rachel1571

Well Balllys i'm in two minds, part of me thinks just end it for non confrontational reasons, you know 'i don't think its working out, it's not you it's me' but she strikes me as a girl that would try to work round that. It's strange, this has all been going on behind my back and yet she talks to me about valentines day, meeting her grandfather, going on holiday, whether i want children or not! I feel so ashamed about going through her phone, it's not something that i have ever done before. But feel that it would take me telling her that for her to accept that it's over. Such a mess! This is what happens when you go against ur instincts because i knew from the first night that it was a mistake to get involved with her. Hope ur keeping well Ballys

Weekend disasterous Tigris, apologies if i have spelt ur name wrong. A little worse for wear! Annie, had told me previously how her boss had been hitting on her in the most grotesque kind of way, which stopped shortly after she told him that we were dating. She was over 4 hours late for our getting together, which was how she used to be before we got involved. Of course it's always something dramatic as to why she's late, i don't know why i did it but when she was out of the room, i looked at her phone today. In her sent messages there are several to her boss telling him that she loves him. I've made a hasty exit and have no clue how to handle things from here! Nightmare.

thanks helpneeded for taking the time to respond. I have tried to ask Julie time and time again how she feels but she is unwilling to talk about it most of the time and is more intent on sounding me out than telling me how she feels. We talked last night but I was getting texts from Annie, the second one I got she just tutted and said that she wanted to go and hung up on the phone. I'm bewildered as to what this woman wants from me everytime i think that we have settled it, something else happens to spark things off. Julie is not talking to me again and is unwilling to discuss how she feels, so i'm going to give her space and wait for her to contact me. I'm seeing Annie this weekend and i'm looking forward to it, would have liked to maintain the friendship with Julie but the longer we go on like this the less likely that is to happen. I just wish it didn't affect me the way that it does! Take care

Hi, I ended my 4 year relationship 4 months ago and after an initial bumpy start both my ex and I are good friends. Finally! I ended the relationship for several reasons, one being my attraction to another woman. Annie although was telling me how much she liked me, said that she didn't want a relationship as her life was so complicated. She has a son, very stressful job and family issues. I took this onboard and relaxed into being friends. I started going online again and started chatting to a woman that I met in a chat room, there was an instant connection between us. We talked every day several times a day and into the early hours of the morning. I was blissfully happy! The problem was that Julie was ending her relationship with her gf of 16 months, we agreed to meet and it was disasterous! I was painfully shy and she kept talking about her ex and trying not to cry. I had told Annie that I was talking to Julie and that we were meeting up, she said that she hoped it worked out. After the meeting with Julie didn't go great I was pretty devastated because she had taken up so much space in my life, I felt her absense keenly. Annie rang me to see how it went and was suitably sympathetic, she was making a real effort to stay in touch, something she wasn't great at before! Any way Julie got in touch, saying that she wasn't ready for a relationship that it was too soon for her. Which I agreed with but she still wanted to be friends. It was uncomfortable at first and I did really struggle with it as I was extremely attracted to her and had very strong feelings. But time passed and i was coping better with it, again we were talking every day several times a day and were talking into the early hours of the morning as well as meeting up every now and again. I was still very attracted to her and hoped that things would change but she made a point of telling me that we were good friends and nothing more. So I was invited over to Annie's for the evening, she seemed nervous when I arrived and then when her son went to bed she started telling me how hurt she was that I was talking to Julie. That one of her main reasons for holding off was that she wanted to make sure that I was properly over my ex before she asked me out! So when I told her I was talking to Julie she knew that I was and felt like she had missed out, now that she knew that Julie and I were just friends. She wanted to start seeing me. I was shocked to say the least! That previous night I had been on the phone to Julie until 6am and then she called me back at 11.30am and we talked to each other most of the day, as she knew that i was going over to Annie's the whole time I was on the phone I kept hoping that she would give me some sign that she wanted more from me than friendship. It didn't happen. So I agreed to start seeing Annie, I stayed over that night and things esculated and we ended up having sex. I was a little shocked that I had done it as this is not like me at all! I felt really strange the next morning, as if I had cheated or something, Annie had plans that day so I left. She pushed a note into my hand that expressed very deeply what she felt for me, I was very touched. I went home and called Julie, but she wasn't taking my calls, she agreed to meet me online but was very curt. Then she didn't talk to me for 3 days, in that time I saw Annie once and was really starting to come round to the idea of being with her. Julie confessed 3 days later that she had been devastated when I told her that Annie and I were together and that we had slept together. She behaved as if I cheated on her, was extremely angry and it didn't matter how many times I told her that she had said that we were friends and nothing more it didn't register with her. She said that I should have known because of the way we were talking all the time! So here's my problem Julie is 40 a catholic and still hasn't told her mum that she is gay and is living at home due to ill health and is clearly struggling with her sexuality. She says that she has very deep feelings for me but still needs time to heal from her previous relationship. Annie is 30 has a son, is very comfortable with her sexuality and is very tactile in public, she has complicated life, very abusive past which still reverbs into her present. She can be very distant at times and only sees me at weekends so far. In my heart of hearts I know that Annie is the better choice and I love spending time with her when we are together, that it would be a much more fulfilling relationship in many ways, even though so far we only seem to see each other at weekends. Everything feels so easy and good with Annie and she's touches me on so many levels. But I can't get Julie out of my head even though, she tells me that she cares deeply for me and wants me she's not ready. Part of me thinks that it would be easier for me to just cut Julie out of my life as I feel that it's just a complication that she will never know what she wants. But I miss her so much when we don't talk. I feel churned up all the time and one thing that really gets to me is neither of these women said they were interested until they knew about the other. I made the decision last week to commit to Annie 100%, again Julie said that she wanted us to stay friends that she felt like it was the right choice, then it esculated and she stopped talking to me again! We are talking now, but I don't know what she wants from me. I'm just so tired of feeling so bad all the time! Anyone with any advice or similar situation get in touch. I really need to hear other opinions other than my family's!

Thanks Patience, I have considered meeting her in neutral territory, we seem to get on better when we do. I'm gradually cutting off the things that i don't find acceptable, and certainly won't be giving her money any more. She's not unreasonable and when i make her aware of things that are unreasonable she does pay attention to it. I would be devastated if i can't salvage a friendship out of this, she's been such a big part of my life and mostly positive. Just hope that it gets easier with time. Thanks for responding.

Thanks Tigris, i'm sure with time it will get better. Thanks patience, there are qualities that are surfacing now, that maybe i've ignored in the past. Tainted - i'm sorry to hear about your situation. Although i don't know how you managed to live together for so long after splitting, i could only handle it for 2 weeks, but we only had one bedroom place! Things have improved a little in some ways, i saw her over the weekend when she brought her washing over! Which i've now put a stop to, she is being more honest about being upset that we split. Which has actually made me feel better, but the other thing is, she's always spending her money on going out, new clothes and didn't have enough money for her rent. Like you where i'm a caring person i feel almost compelled to help her out, she left with clean washing a bag a food. Although i did draw the line at giving her money again! So may suggest not seeing her for a while, just til i feel like i'm on and even keel.

Hi Mishka, I've read your post and was in exactly the same situation, I met my gf when i was 30 she was my first in every way just like you gf. After being alone for so long I don't think you can ever fully prepare yourself for how intense the relationship is in the beginning. Nor can you prepare yourself for when the intensity is no longer there, there is a feeling that it is half the relationship that you had before and you wonder if you are settling. You should talk to your gf, tell her how your feeling she maybe feeling the same. Or maybe able to reassure you that things aren't as bad as they seem at the moment. There is a lot of pressure on having your first serious relationship so late in life and there is a strong element of fear to ending the relationship when your in your 30's. I understand this completely, the situation is very harrowing and I wish you both all the best however it turns out.

It's so weird i have times with her where it's really cool and i'm really glad that we can still be friends and then other times where it's just a nightmare! I think the less said the better. Take care and thanks for replying.xx

Thanks Antigravity, it makes sense my perspective is a little skewed at the moment.

I recently split with gf of 4 yrs about a month ago, we have split before when she left in July but she came back. I instigated the split this time, our relationship had become more like friends and friends that didn't have a great deal in common at that! It was all very amicable and we have managed to stay friends, but i'm finding this harder to cope with and don't know if it's something that will pass or permanent state. I saw her a couple of days ago and I was looking forward to it, i have days where i have felt very insular. She has been talking about girls that she is interested in, which i have no problem with as we have both been talking freely since the split. But she recently told me that she has read my diaries, I was so shocked at the time that i didn't say anything. Another bone of contention is that she is always telling me how happy she is that we have split and that she knew the relationship was over in July but didn't have the courage to follow it through. My peeve is the violation of her reading my diaries and the fact that i feel that i can't say anything now. The other is in July she gave up her job to leave me so when she came back not only did i have to deal with the fact that she was in a really bad way, the fact that there was additional pressure on me to support us financially until she found a job. I feel like an idiot! To go through all that for something that she knew was over?! Should i say something or let it blow over?

Apologies Ballys for late reply, a budget has been in place since what I now call the 'unpleasentness', all available money has been diverted to saving up to send Eileen to Turkey for her brother's wedding. So your suggestion may be an option for us now, although on her return from Turkey she said that she wanted to leave me. After talking about it for some time she has decieded to stay but has been very quiet since. I have taken her out suggested days out at the weekend or even going away, ( also suggested Laughing Sam's idea) none have been greeted with any real enthusiasm. I have said that if she feels that she has made a mistake by staying with me then she should go, she says that she doesn't feel like that she's made a mistake. She has been swapping txts with a woman she met in Turkey and has talked about her frequently, I am trying to keep my rampant paranoia in check but I'm starting to feel like im fighting a losing battle, or that I should get WELCOME tattoed accross me!! Suggestions anyone???

Thanks for your reply Ballys, a move back north really isn't an option for us for a while because of the financial situation. It is extremely tempting to go back but I feel that it would only put more stress on an already stressful situation. I am more hopeful and know that we have a strong foundation to work from. Thanks for taking the time to replay and for your thoughtful words. Take care.

Thanks mgirl, What you write makes a lot of sense, I feel that we have become quite insular since the move, I appreciate you taking the time to answer. Take care

I met Eileen in August of 2001, she is my first relationship and I was hoping my only one. She was the first woman I felt confident meeting and considering I was 30 that's quite a statement. After four months of a long distance relationship I made the move to the North of England and we moved in together. After some initial adjustments we were blissfully happy, Eileen is the same age as me and had never lived away from home and at times was feeling a great deal of pressure from her mum to continue to carry on as if she was still living at home. Eileen was finding this very upsetting and thought that if we moved to the South of England where i'm originally from this would solve the problem. We have been living in the south of England for nearly 2 years and it's been a nightmare, we had problems finding work, then finding better paid work. This lead to a set of circumstances that effectively bankrupted us, my family is extremely volatile and destructive to be around. Our relationship has suffered tremedously, we rarely have sex. We are not very affectionate with each other, we are both naive about relationships and wonder if we should ride the storm or to accept that our relationship is over. We still love each other very much but neither of us is sure if it's in a relationship way any more. I'm finding the whole situation very confusing and upsetting. It just feels so empty after what we had before and I don't know if it's just a blip and will pass or whether we are over and too frightened to admitt it. Any advice that you have would really help.