Mishka

Hello. I am a new member of enotalone.com and am in need of some advice. I hope you don't mind reading because what I am about to write might take awhile. So, here goes. I have been in a relationship for a few years. Actually, it is my first ever lesbian relationship. I fell in love with her instantly. Her innocence and naive behavior is, probably, what drew me to her. In the beginning, and like other "new beginnings", everything was so perfect. From getting to know each other to the passion we have developed between the two of us, she was everything I was looking for in a life-partner. So I thought. Her and I, we are each others first. Meaning, I was her very first kiss, her first intimate partner, her first relationship, and (she) hopes I would be her last. As for myself, she isn't the very first woman I ever kissed and not the very first woman I ever made love to. But, as for the relationship part, she is my first (and I hope she, too, will be my last). I love this woman. At least, I think I do. I mean, everytime we get into an argument, which was plentiful in the beginning, and now (just not as often), sometimes I get this feeling that our relationship is over And everytime I feel that we have reached the end of our relationship, I feel sad and upset and alone. Being over 30 years of age, I keep telling myself that perhaps my reason for feeling that way is because I have become very insecure and am actually afraid of being alone. Before I met her, I was alone for a very long time. I loved my freedom. I always thought that sharing my time with another would be too much work and being in a loving and caring relationship is something I would never want to get into. Well, that idea changed right away, at least after meeting my partner. Intimacy was great, in the beginning. But that too has changed. Before, I wanted us to make love almost everyday. And she felt the same way. Presently, I do not seem to have the same urges. When she starts to seduce me, I always seem to make excuses. I would tell her that I am tired, or simply tell her the truth, that I am not in the mood. And when we do make love, unfortunately, I have faked it a few times. I feel really terrible. Why am I feeling like this? How did I lose my passion for her? Lately, I have been longing for another woman's touch. I fantasize about being with another. In my fantasy, she fulfills everything I am missing in my real world. In my fantasy, she is everything I have been looking for. And when I wake up, or "snap out of it", guilt sets in. Here I am, a person in love, and she wants to be with another. Why is this happening? What is going on with me? With us? Can you please help me? Has anyone else been, or going, through what I am going through? Did I get into this relationship too quickly? HELP! Please HELP! Thank you for taking the time to read my writing. I apologize for its length. I hope to hear from you soon.