blueangel

I had a bad experience with antidepressents, but that doesn't make me biased or anything. Here are some things to be aware of though:

• Your doctor may prescribe you to a pill based only on what you tell him. I told mine that I was depressed and couldn't focus. He gave me wellbutrin which took the tool of keeping me extremely focused... but only on negative thoughts.
  
• Most doctors will try to persuade you to be FOR antidepressants. It's better to find a doctor hesistent so he may really reason if you need it. But yeah like i said, a doctor's personal reasonings may be all that is decided upon. Make sure you check out certain things for yourself- information and all
  
• It affects your brain chemistry. There are other methods to lift yourself up with... so pills aren't always needed.
  
• It will not fix your problems- just your moods will slightly alter at different times than they normally do. You don't really become JUST all happy. You become happy at different times.

Another girl told me that it was childish- rhyming comes off as a shallow way of illustrating things.. too light hearted for deep subjects. She really didn't like my poem. I don't whether or not I agree. Becoming better is something though that is difficult. I am moving there slowly.

Leave her. Love shouldn't feel like so much is being gambled with, you know? That's just tough to live with. You may trust her but that doesn't mean she'll be faithful.

Let her go and if she comes back, she is yours. Like the old saying goes...

The sunset glimmers with a shadow or two

Sinking down

As I wander around

in my mind

I ask myself

and the world,

What do I do with this time?

The grass blades are elongated together

Each one bringing up a force of its own

How I feel like resting in this forest

In it, find my home

I stretch my fingers out with my arms

Pretend for a while I can fly

Before I can count the seconds

It spreads- the night sky

Whom do I pray to?

What forces do I seek?

I have to say that I've meddled

In almost everything

Sometimes I speak from it, from within

But my exploring words come slow

Imagining all the possibilities

In a world that continues to forego

The spiritual nature of which its inclined

To be spitually activated is something we can't find

Lessons to learn and boundaries to overcome

There's so much from I've wanted to run

Perhaps I can create things from these spaces...

Of dark

Turn them to light as I tear

the years apart

The type of eye contact you give her should be the first to alter. Watch her a lot and let her know it- in a smiling way though (not creepy, inside your head way) and start giving her compliments, like, "You have this glow about you today." Hold eye contact when you're talking to her strongly, but don't get or act too intense.

Tickle her jokingly when you can. Smile at her everytime she enters a room. If she reacts different at all as well- as in smiling back or acting more attentive- then just start talking with a more flirty tone. To talk in a flirty tone, be teasing but have a serious voice... and always find a way to be close near by.

After a while, should anything spark or even if nothing happens, just randomly say, "We should go on a date." Take it from there.

I think it tells a story, is it your story or some personal experience you had with someone? Then I kept coming back to the last line of your poem...

 

It really got me thinking about my own life and what was passed on to me by my parents and what I dont want to pass on to my own children. I found your poem really thought provoking.

Oh, good!

Well its easy enough for you to say these things of having no fear but someone like myself with extreme shyness CANNOT just lose fear. It hangs over you like a shadow and even if you try it looms, like I said it's hopeless.

I'm shy too. I've been extrememly shy for years. I remember the days I couldn't talk to people and so when I tried, I would actually just bring up things like, "Did you know that Japan is making robots?" I am a dork!! lol

It's not hopeless. You are too attached to your fears and use them as safety nets... to pull you into your comfort zone when you are just about to step out. Everyone does this. But we all have a time to blossom. It takes baby steps to blossom... and it all starts by becoming aware of yourself. Don't lie, don't hide. You need to do that first before you can really love others. Practice makes perfect. You develop the skills the moment you refuse to give up.

I've learned this the hard way. With the way you are resisting, you will too I can see.

 

Find Tanner. Get in touch with Derek.

Okay! That'll be my mission (I have many, hehe)

 

 

ps. Okay, this is totally off topic and maybe not very appropriate (sorry in advance if this is the case but) I looove "Princess Mononoke" too! Have you seen Miyazaki's other animated films? I love them all ... but my favorites are "Spirited Away" and "My Neighbor Totoro."

 

I've seen "Spirited Away" but not "My Neighbor Totoro." If you like these, I recommend watching "Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within" and then "Final Fantasy: Advent Children"... I only like "Advent Children" because of one high in the air, cool fight scene and then, the special features talk about life and "what is it trying to tell us?"

 

I like anything that gives me cool perspectives on life. I use them to help myself understands things in a way that won't make me hopeless. Only inspired.

 

Thank you, Ellie, for being who you are. Many times we forget how words can reach the soul. Yours reached me when I was feeling so doubtful and scared of what I did BECAUSE it left open a vulnerable door... that my dad may just leave untouched. He may neglect to walk through. He may in fact shut it... shut me out. I don't know. He hasn't responded yet. I don't know what that means. I won't try to judge it though. I will let it go until the time matters. It's not good to be totally serious about everything for TOO long. I know people at my school who have the same story every day, like, "What is this guy thinking? I can't believe he did that. I am wondering what to do. I just want him to be into me. Bla bla bla bla."

 

I've learned to let things go so I can be a healthy person. And I also feel like screaming at redundant people who only choose to contemplate about one thing always and then never move on. Some would call them "worrywarts."

 

There are bigger things to get to though...

Here's what a good friend said to me in reply to this (I told him through email. He doesn't go to this site which is why he didn't post)

Wow...looks like you've as much family drama as I do. I never knew you had a stepbrother! Anyhoo, here's my two cents. You always tell me how important it is to tell people what you're really thinking, and I think you've done that here. Your dad's an ok guy. I know that because you'd never let yourself get close to someone who ever meant to hurt you. You just don't seem to see much of him, and it's hard to get close to someone that way. You and I talk like...every day! You're around your mom every day, too. That's how you get close. I know he cares about you; he's your dad! But he's also a man who probably spent his whole life never exploring his emotions. It's like exercising a muscle that you've never used. The longer you've let it sit, the harder it is to get it working again. So try not to be too hard on him. You've opened the door for him. Just...patience, grasshopper. ;-)

Dear Angel,

 

I am deeply humbled by your degree of maturity and the kindness and the tenderness you have for your family. I am sending you a great big HUG! and hope your Dad is as deeply impacted by your letter as I was.

 

Best wishes to you and hope you're able to reconnect w/ Tanner soon ...

...thank you. That's all I wanted to hear honestly. I feel like crying. Life is hard... but reading the quotes in my signature helps me (lol)... because you just confirmed that I'm everything I've been trying to be. After much anger and depression and dread and emptiness, I am there. It is strangely possible. I feel so much love for life right now. I hope I can always hold onto this second... and come back to it. Even if I feel it all alone. I know God shines through my soul if I want him to. It's really a choice and a neverending one. i love having that choice. every moment in my life has been worth having now that I've achieved the right perspective. That's all that matters and I don't care how much I've suffered. I am who I am now. Finally.

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

Don't be scared. I believe in you. Even if I don't know you, expression is the first step to realization. Then from realization comes clarity.... and then strength. It can be a fast process once we choose to be aware of it and ourselves.

YOU CAN DO IT! YOU CAN MAKE IT!! NO ONE CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM YOU.

I love you, dear!

Anyways... when we feel pain, it is because we are living wrong. Not because of outside situations.

THAT is hard to deal with, but it's true. Strive for happiness if you want automatic success. That's what people don't see- that when they really love themselves and become aware of their baby steps while growing...that...there are so many doors open. You don't have to decide. You have to focus on feeling other things until you're ready to handle thinking about all this.

Yes, life has a time limit at every place we arrive, but we can capture time by taking time. See the now, not just your thoughts. Heaven can come to your heart in seconds if you learn how to do that. It's amazing.

To me, sexuality is very apparant and the differences of that. It can cause attraction or tension.

We could be friends with anyone we wanted on any level if we didn't label things as "friends" or "lovers." I hate that. It takes a long time to let go that need of defining yourself and yourself with others, but it gives freedom to be who you really are. That's what we're after, isn't it?

The steps we take out of strength are the most productive ones. Here's a song by Jessica Simpson. I'm in love with it. It's a hard truth to deal with but I like hard truth now.

"I Belong To Me"

I belong to me...

It's not that I don't wanna share my life with you baby

It's just that I'm the one I need to be true to baby

And I won't give up me to be part of you

It's not that I don't wanna have you in my life baby

It's just you gotta know that it's got to be right baby

Before I open up my heart to you

I don't need somebody to complete me

I complete myself

Nobody's got to belong to somebody else

I belong to me

I don't belong to you

My heart is my possession

I'll be my own reflection

I belong to me

I'm one not half of two

And if you're gonna love me

You should know this baby

I belong to me

I gotta let you know before I let you in, baby

That who I am is not about who I am with, baby

That don't mean I don't wanna be here with you

I do

I don't need somebody to complete me

I want you to know

I'll give up my love but I'm not giving up my soul

I belong to me

I don't belong to you

My heart is my possession

I'll be my own reflection

I belong to me

I'm one not half of two

And if you're gonna love me

You should know this baby

I belong to me

Oh yea

Love don't mean changing who you are to be

Who somebody wants you to be

Nobody's got to belong to nobody

I belong to me

I don't belong to you

My heart is my possession

I'll be my own reflection

I belong to me

I don't belong to you

My heart is my possession

I'll be my own reflection

I belong to me

I'm one not half of two

And if you gonna love me

You should know this baby

I belong to me

First, before you read this, there are some things you should know. It goes in this order:

[*]My dad left my mom when I was little but I visited him every other weekend. (before me, he had another wife and kids)

[*]Ray, a verbally abusive man, moved in with my mom- he was nice to me most times though

[*]My dad moved in with an intimidating and jealous, insecure woman named Elaine and her little, beautiful son, Tanner. Elaine died of cancer in later years and I've also lost contact with Tanner though he fills up my heart so much

[*]While she was still alive in the hospital, my dad left her and moved in with a woman named Karen and her son, Derek. They got married.

[*]Karen felt the need to confront me about every little thing but eventually it faded out because I put her in her place everytime with my intellect

[*]I thought Elaine was haunting me for a while and I suffered a lot out of grief and guilt and my parents took me to the hospital and left me there

[*]life seems more normal now-less drama and I'm more at ease with myself, but now from afar...

[*]Derek, my stepbrother, moved out (he's 14) of my dad and Karen's house. My dad told me about it and I tried to express myself to him. It was hard so when I got to the public library, I went on internet and sent him this email

 

I could hardly believe it when you told me Derek moved out... but in a way, I felt I saw it coming. He's always had that essense of lonliness to him as does Karen in a way and you do too. I know that, being an adult now (yay!), you probably feel like you've tried everything you could in life and heard it all. Sometimes, I feel that way too. But we can't give up on other people or let them go. I'm sure this step hurt Derek as much as it hurt Karen. He obviously has trouble facing things- I doubt anybody ever just sat him down and just had a heart to heart talk to him about his life... I doubt anyone has ever tried to give him real guidance or try to understand him and show him that.

 

I bet you're wondering where I'm going with all this and I know you hate thinking about relationship issues! image removed Then again, why would you confide in me? So I don't REALLY know how you deal with them. But I know how you dealt with me...

 

I remember once I almost sent you a letter telling you to leave my life. I felt like you just didn't care enough about me to take interest on a deeper level. I hate talking and feeling like someone isn't talking back. I try to talk to you about deep stuff and by doing that, I pass you right up. You try to talk to me about light stuff- briefly to keep it fun- and because I'm not always into it, you pass me up!

 

It's so hard to be real with people as well as ourselves. But I think it's the only important thing in this life: to really care.

 

Hope that helps and hope Karen finds her way also... maybe she can bring Derek back to her. It will take a lot of raw and hard love. A child's worth it though. When life reproduces its self, to preserve it and protect it is the only thing that matters... and the only thing that leads us to also understand life> when we really put ourselves out there into it.

 

Good luck, Dad.

 

Love,

 

Sarah

You know what? You should go anyway! Tell her you're sick and go anyway. She will be amazed that you wouldn't cancel. It shows you are VERY interested. Give it a try and have faith. Anything can happen and you may see how much SHE cares.

Great job, I like the way you change things around gradually through the poem.

That's because my moods do! lol

I hate it when you hold back

And don't know what to say

I hate it when you fail with grades

It takes so many days

To bring things back up again

Can I win?

I'm not stimulated- it's hard to succeed

And socially, I am lonely

Sexy girl- I know I am

Kristin Cavalerri mixed with Gwen Stefani

But I don't express myself with clothing

I've found I play it safe

Always trying to imitate

Who I imagine makes no mistakes

It's a person in my head

Elvish stance, bright green eyes

She's mainly gothic, at least at night

And she cries to the stars to what she doesn't understand

If God was once a man

SHe thinks he'd understant

What would a happy person do now?

What would they say?

How I can be healthy

And keep it that way?

Where do I go on a winding road

Nothing is gained for long

I look into my puppy's face

Jasmin always wishes to play

I'm too lazy and I hate myself for that wall

I can't propell any part of myself forward

But I'm trying

I'm not dying

So I 'm hiding

I'll try to recreate myself

I'll come to you God

Can't do it alone

THis is me speaking to you now

You're in my soul

I'll keep you a part of my world

Whether others believe

You're real to this girl

I don't regret anything.

And how do I make this connection, its a bit hard to break the shell by the way.

Answer: You have to be fearless to try.

Just tell her you're sick. She might bring you over some chicken noodle soup!! (and then it'd be worth it!)

Dude- that's a WEIRD thing though for him to be doing. Does he know you know? (that'd make it even WEIRDER)

hey, long time no see (sorry if you find that comment trite).

 

 

 

that's how i usually write poetry, too. it's hard to convey the meter sometimes, isn't it?

 

i knew that i would like this when i saw who had authored it. i guess i'm used to your intense depth and your mastery of the language from reading some of your prosaic posts, but your sparing use of rhyme here - bravissimo.

 

if it's constructive criticism you're after, i can offer only this: you might consider pluralizing the final word of the poem. for me, the singular "life" stands out against an otherwise perfect piece, and not in a wabi-sabi way.

 

EDIT: i also would have said "struggle silently", as opposed to "silently struggle". but that might be just a matter of style.

Thanks! What you said was most fulfilling. Yeah, I like critisism a lot...just the mindset of it is fun... too bad I don't follow it though.

You can have one anytime you want. You just have to take the intiative to be interested in someone. Make a connection- don't wait for one. A LOT of people are single in this world. It isn't your fault. You just need to take steps.

it's better to find out the truth rather than assume things.

Exactly.