blueangel

share common relationship goals.

Most important part, I'm finding out...or at least, the most mastering.

In our minds, to be with a certain person always plays out more wonderfully than how it actually happens. By the time we see straight again, the moments pass and we miss them. This missing propels us back to the person we made the memorie with...or just to someone that has a familiar quality to that person. It can be an unending pattern/process until we become adults... and even after.

You have a great attitude (except for the part you called yourself loser. No! Bad! Dont do that!)

I think you are guiding yourself through this just fine, taking chances and wanting friends. The key is persistence as well as patience- with yourself and with others. We have your back! (sorta- in an internet way)

blueangel, I think you truly are one. It's a relevation I've had within the past few days. I kept thinking "wait until I meet a NEW man, and if he isn't in to me I won't hang on for years hoping he will change, I will be good to myself."

 

And it hit me: I can start treating myself well NOW, I don't have to wait for another relationship. I can take care of myself and be the woman I want to be by trying to look forward, not into the past, not obsessing about them but concentrating on me and my future.

 

Wow you're only 16? Wise woman.

If I told you something that you already know, then that makes you also wise.

Oh, I'm sorry I didn't see this sooner!

Obviously, the only thing you can do is talk to her. That's all that will let you know. You can't read her mind, you can't analyze the way you two would work together or even how you could fit yourself into her conversation. You just have to put yourself out there and pay extra attention to this person of light in your eyes. Go to them, smile at them, talk to them... BE yourself. Not forced. Just relax and they will relax with you. There is nothing to be afraid of.

I believe in you!

"I can't live and I can't die."

But you are living. You are understanding the flaws of life and of the people around you. You realize how they trap you. Maybe you can be one of the people who changes the world with your song. I know you have a great talent for writing, creative thinking and analyzing when you are inspired, and also for sketching. That in itself is your way out.

There are many ways out we receive from God. You have to look at what can be. The solution is something you pick,but solutions in general are all around. They are here on this site. They are there in your real life. You have to see your path before you can walk it. Perhaps plan it, perhaps pay attention to the crossings along the trails. You'll see it. I know you will. The right perspective comes back to you pretty quickly, I've noticed.

You should write a book about your experiences...they're so..deep and meaningful in so many ways. I really like the last verse of the first poem ("...Right now we are dreaming"..). =)

Haven't you heard? Life is but a dream!

Really? I should write a book? mm... I'm writing a book called Finding God that is about a fictional character named Synasia. I could incorbrate (sp?) my experiences into that.

Wow, Blueangel, you are a really strong and unique individual who is like... a spiritual FIGHTER. crazy stuff youve been thru... but i bet its for a reason. i believe you. (and IN you.)

 

i didnt like this poem as much except for the dreaming part. i think you should have expanded and wrote more through that tone.

I don't know about spiritual fighter. All of that was kind of embarrassing to share- I normally don't speak openly about my "experiences"- but if it's truth, then it happens for a reason... there's a reason to know why it happens. Reporting my experiences also helps to rationally try to understand things that happen when I take a step back to read and really look at them. At the time, what happened seemed scary, but a lot of me now believes that I caused it because of stress/panic. The mind is a powerful force, like a strong tree that is unmoving/stubborn. We can make ourselves believe anything if we don't control it. The average person can filter out day to day things that they don't want to experience fully or believe or learn about. I learned through my experience that... those with minds a lot more easily stimulated have trouble and get sucked into their thoughts/beliefs/mindset. Maybe someday I can comfort others who have been through fearful things like me and explain it to them.

"At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet." -Plato

 

both of them are very expressive. the first one figuratively sucked the breath from my body as i read.

 

in case you're wondering, my compulsive inner editor finds not a thing to question.

 

+1 for using the word "slunk" in a post.

thanks I put a lot of thought into my vocabulary obviously

I had another similar thing happen to me last night too. Whether or not you care to know, I'm going to tell you!

This last week, I've slunk into this loner persona, full of ice regarding other people. my grades have been faltering and I have been too distracted/lazy to bring them up. Basically, all my homework has been completed during class IN the class it is due and on the DAY it's due. It's a stressful way to live

So inside, I felt this silent screaming. Like, I visualized myself standing in the middle of nowhere with darkness and dirt all around me, just screaming. I felt this sensation, image pass through me often.

Last night, the same hopeless thoughts were crossing my mind. I was watching this really good western on TV (yes I'm a nerd!) about two cowboys (who robbed trains and banks) getting chased by really good and mysterious bountry hunters. As they are running from place to place, they become more dreaded at the thought of losing their lives. At the end, they are finally surrounded and killed. It made me really sad inside to think about how life can just end. I went up in my room, staring at myself in the mirror, feeling that inner scream again. I looked at my hands and saw them as someone else's (not literally, but I felt unfamiliar to myself when I realized how fragile I was). Suddenly, my body started acting strange- extremely restless inside- like my soul was being twisted. I felt my soul in me as air and the nothingness/openness of who I am inside... I just couldn't stand it. I realized that being sad or lonely was better than this feeling (I thought I was dying again- my breathing got strange) in my soul, like wind, being bent and twisted. It was so WEIRD. I was praying extremely hard for it to go away. I wondered if I had some medical condition, but I see now, it was a natural result of the stress in my mind how my body was acting... in such TORMENT and AGONY.

Finally, I said outloud, "Okay, I get it. I'm sorry. I didn't realize. I didn't realize. I didn't realize that this is all I am- as fragile as breath. I understand now I need to hold onto it, I need to live or I'm just nothing... I don't want to pass away only to be tormented. I'll live!"

It was like this understanding passed through my soul without words. The screamer inside me left. For good, it feels. Like I learned, I had to be more positive to save my soul.

(as a side note, ever since I was on wellbutrin and thought my deceased stepmom was haunting me, this door opened in my brain so that when I'm alone for too long, I can resort to panic if I dont control my thoughts. I control it more and more with time. It's all linked to my emotions... so I have to stay either passive or calm no matter what happens or my brain overstresses and goes out of control. It's quite scary. With time, this problem has ceased- but it's sure taught me how harmful negative emotions are if I hold onto them. It's taught me to never fear because fear harms me as well. It's been a LIFE lesson as well as a health influence.)

A. I'm attracted to a boy with a different race in my American Lit. class. He has a cute dimply smile, wide and big eyes and long, straight eyebrows that make him look really deep. He also wears a cross everyday and I think that immediately tells you about his character, or that he has morals (unless it's just for show)

I can't always turn the switch to being suddenly happy, but at any time, I can go from being serious to playful... so I guess that's happiness in a sense.

People can transform though if they want to. She needs the type of guidance that will gain her understandings of life and of herself. Basically, when someone has behavior problems, it is because they are LOST. A child lost is what you are seeing. You have to look past her attitude in the moments to get to the soul within... who sees and feels and knows a lot. Maybe she feels she knows too much already and in these spaces of realization, grows resentment. She honestly can not be thankful for anything because she keeps growing this way. Only love, real love, can face this type of anger.... so you must not give into your own. There's a point that discipline can cross into plain intolerance. This is rising in you about everything she is and you judge her so. Perhaps try being the one in her life who does not judge her, instead- understands her, and helps her by trying to learn what is inside...and since moods change from second to second, there's a lot going on inside her. Can you give the type of interest to stick around and stay secure yourself when the storm inside her shows? (the storm inside that FOR NOW cannot be easily tamed? on the outside, she appears to want her own way, but deeper than that, of course she wants to be loved and to get along. She's just trapped in her inability to communicate these needs)

Blueangel.. thanks.. I will try harder to back off and be softer. But you know, I have feelings too.. and they get hurt.. just like hers.. and when you ghive and give and you get pooped on.. even by an 11 yr old.. it comes a time when you just wanna throw your hands in the air and say SCREW IT!

If I let her.. she will watch TV ALL DAY, so I am evil for telling her to read a book!... go to the playground, color, paint.. all she wants to do is WATCH VIDEOS and NICKELODEAN! She has no desire to live! no desire to LEARN! No desire to fly! I feel so sad inside for her and when I try to show her something different.. she looks at me like I am crazy!

You are making a fool of yourself in these actions. Let her be when it comes to matters of interest. Try to join in on whatever SHE'S doing so she's not alone. I used to watch TV all the time and it was used as a release or escape. It's understandable. Also, she's young. Her mind isn't as ambitious as yours. It is simply learning and taking in what it sees.

She may still feel uncertain of herself in your home so she pulls away from you and everyone in it. She's probably been through a lot. Respect that. Stop trying to control her (however happily you seem to act as you do). We respond to those that interest us or are like us. Maybe before she goes to sleep at night, sit by her and talk to her a little. Build that up over time

Ever think that she can't wait for the second she will see her mom again? No matter how rocky a mother is with her daughter, the bond is greater there than it is between the father and daughter. The poor girl sounds really homesick like there's nothing for her there at your house. You have to show her that there is something. Talk to her about her feelings someday- open it up in a gentle manner. There's a way to work people- you just can't give up. You have to mainly take control of yourself and how you act (not so much the other way around)

To your step daughter you are the other woman, you are competition for her dad, you have come along and displaced her mom (this is from her perspective right? I'm not saying any of this is true).

 

She doesn't see that you have or should have any authority over her and she totally resents that you do.

This is totally true whether it is right or wrong. In a way, you have to either force your authority, grow it over time, get her father more involved in that aspect, or simply EARN it. Earning it is complicated and it goes along with how you relate yourself to her in this setting and how close you get to her over matters of the heart. Basically, it's natural instinct to want to step back when she pushes, but if you keep stepping forward lovingly (joke as you ask her for something, say it smiling> little ways to make her feel at ease and less awkward), sooner or later, a wall will break and you WILL have a relationship. This takes longer but it is more effective than the other ways I listed.

Okay, I think I understand more than about your situation.

Her mom's lifestyle and choices probably has affected her. The perspective she sees through is one she's been taught (as we all have in our own ways) If one person in your life goes, "I dont care" suddenly a new option comes up in your mind. "I dont have to care either then" and in the times she feels insecure or unable to know how to take your love, your world, she will resort to taking that option. It's a way of separating herself from her pain. Remember: older children are pained easily (as you were) and scarred a little longer than younger children are. They also do not have the skills to deal with it always healthily. They are not as aware as an adult is.

Focus on getting to know her before you "change" her. Right now, she's learning to piece together what things in life are secure- at least for HER. It will be a while before she sees parents as something secure again. Where trust should be, resentment and anger has taken over in parts of her heart. It can take years to go through the adjustments of a parental situation changed... or it can take a second, one moment of warmth, of giving her a place of respect within the home. You have confirmed her role (her new "option") everytime you react to it as though how she acts is who she is (and nothing deeper). Treat her as your equal for a day. Pretend like she is the younger you. What would you do? Only you can know.

Sometimes, all it takes is the alteration of your approach. Will you be kinder or more aggresive? Will you show you understand through your words or react to her like she's just an alien teenager? Will you be angry before you are gentle? However you are, you will teach her to be also... in some way, in some form.

You can't control relationships. When my stepmom was alive, I remember wishing that she and everyone else around me would stop being fake and phony about the situation. I couldn't see how they could be happy (since I wasn't)

I just wished that one day, she would have sat by me and said,

"I understand this is tough for you...this transition. So many things in life happen that we don't always like. I want to make this easy for you. I want to be here as a friend. I'm not trying to take over you or take the role as a complete parent... after all, I'm only your father's wife, not your real mom. I don't want to be your real mom- you already have that. I know. What I want is to know how you feel- the good and the bad. Trust me, I also know how it feels to be alone. I really don't want you to be that." Then smile, look into her eyes- LISTEN. Children have deeper feelings and thoughts than you seem to realize. In fact, I felt the MOST anxiety/depression when I was at that age. The years following I got rebellious but then mellowed out.

Oh, wow- I almost cried writing that dialect piece. It strikes a cord in me because it's something I wanted, but none of the adults in my life could be real and caring with me or take care of me EMOTIONALLY. They just expected me to go along with them. What they didn't realize is that I didn't know how. I think that is what your stepdaughter is going through.

Put yourself in her position. She doesn't have social skills that great so she's putting up a guard. You have years of social experience. She also doesn't feel secure. You've had years to build that up in yourself. She's only starting NOW.

A Surreal Moment

Last night, I wanted to die

because I was stressed about

where my life

was going and how to overcome

school and

everyday emptiness around me.

I was praying God to take me.

Then, my mom was sitting by me suddenly.

I wouldn't look at her,

but out of the corner of my eye,

there was light illuminating her hair and face (my ceiling light)

and it reminded me of an angel or a sad and glowing ghost

My dog cuddled close beside me

and I started crying because suddenly I didn't want to go.

The ceiling shifted a bit and the shades of things got blurry

and because I was scared, I cried in my head, "No. Never mind. I dont want to go."

By the time my focus

Shifted back

I looked at my mom

Who left the room

She grew impatient

Staring at me

Waiting and nagging for me

To reveal everything

The moment wasn't lost yet

I turned to pet my dog

but she jumped off the bed

Even though sometimes

so much was far away

I wasn't ready to leave it

At least, not today.

I am the only person really alive.

Prove to me your consciousness.

ha ha ha ha

What if I am also you?

There- that's proof.

Touch my skin

I'll let you in

As ice fades

My heart rate

quickens.

Take a step

I'll make the next

Come closer

I'll let you in

Move your hand

Up my arm

I am freezing

I need your warmth

Smile at me

Really smile

My eyes twinkle

Once in a while

As the last snow

Hits the ground

And the ice

Begins to melt

If you just reach out

I promise you

That I'll be there

When you are screaming too

I'll still reach forward

To brush your hand

And let you know

I understand

...Right now we are dreaming

Open your eyes

There's so much you're thinking

That you try to hide

But it, the light

Reveals the soul within

As the sun shines through

Let me in

Yay! -does little dance-

LOL

 

did we get into Mommy's coffee stash today, or is that just natural exuberance?

 

Oh, it's all natural!

I think what was meant to be conveyed here is how many feel pain or want to end their lives over the insignificant details of the day, of who they are... whereas, because there were so many who died but wanted to live, life should not be taken for granted in comparison of your life because you have so much more than they did, back then.

It's a great lesson.

It's not so much that we're being watched or even by who. The key is to be thankful for what you have because so many lost so much and would have easily traded their life for yours. So in respect to them, live fully and love and laugh. Don't give up what others would have fought for... and what others HAVE.

thank you, blueangel, for that excellent, thought-provoking post, the depth of which far exceeded that of the poem itself. "they say he talked to himself", though autobiographical in the main, is merely a poetical lament and should not be read as a manifesto or declaration of my personal beliefs. i take no official position on either the historicity of Jesus or the divinity of the Bible. mythical or not, the stories in the Good Book undeniably contain much wisdom still relevant in our own era, and the Son of God is a wonderful role model upon whom to pattern our own lives.

Wew- THAT was just... so articulate.

Thats a great piece of poetry. Blueangel you have amazing talent.

 

Weiieeeeoooh weeeeiieeeeooh weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

translation: why, thankyou, Rozi. You are just too kind. Really, really you are.