Ms Omaniac

i can tell you truly love this woman...but you two sound like youre toxic for each other. it sounds like she is literally driving you crazy and you are not have a lot of control of your emotions or anger right now. the fact that you have become abusive also is telling how youre losing control of the situation and youre resorting to violence. violence, though, will make the situation worse...i hope you realize that. you shouldnt resort to that but i guess i understand why you did...but that doesnt make it acceptable by any means.

you two really do need time apart though. you two are making each other miserable. it's upsetting, i know....especially since you have children. but you dont want your kids to see your relationship like this. they will base their future relationships on your actions and what you and your wife is doing is not remotely healthy.

if your marriage is going to work....you need counseling to try and communicate better...maybe she can tell you about the stuff youve been suspecting all along. maybe you cant handle that though because it is a lot to digest and then forgive.

sorry for all the pain you must be going through...hang in there.

- ivy

well i guess i didnt understand that part that you were broken up because i was thinking why would she be upset of you looking at porn when you two arent even together. but i guess you two were trying to keep talking and she caught you doing that. she still has no real right though to be upset because once youre broken up....anything in your personal life whether it be you dating someone else or what you do is not of her concern anymore.

she is totally taking your porn thing too seriously. i know you feel bad because it sucks that you lost a great friend and girl but it's not because of you...it's because of her issues. that prob isnt much of a consolation because the person is still gone from your life...but she needs to work on her insecurities about it. i guess she thinks the next guy she dates will not look at porn...which is TOTALLY a bad assumption on her part.

maybe one day she will realize that porn is a healthy outlet and be more understanding and contact you to apologize. but i personally do not believe you should apologize because it's like being ashamed. and you have nothing...absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed about.

sorry i didnt understand the broken up part...i thought you two were trying to get back together because i didnt fathom her being upset of the porn thing now that youre a single man.

well

it sounds like you use porn like how most guys use porn...which is a release. hell im a chick and i use it to as a release also. it's not like your heart belongs to these nameless people...that is reserved for the girl you referred to earlier. maybe try telling her that? also...i get ideas on what to do with my guy so that he gets to enjoy the benefits from this also.

but people who are threatened by some porn (if you truly are not a porn addict...because really...it should all be done in moderation) have some form of insecurity that THEY need to work on. at least that is how i feel about it.

any other opinions...im totally willing to listen to.

but the fact you do this in private....i might wonder WHY it is private. i am all about open communication though so i can sorta understand her insecurity. if she is open to it...try sharing the experience. it might make her less insecure about it and make you more open to share new experiences?

at least that is my take on it.

- ivy

has she tried those strips that have mouthwash in them that melt in your mouth?

i also hear brushing your teeth AND your tongue help with bad breath.

also certain hard candies maybe? wow that's a toughie.

but if it bothers you that much...i'd definitely tell her something because im alllll about open communication.

- ivy

she is extremely frustrated and hurt. and sometimes people take out their anger on the ones closest to them. try try TRY to not take this personally.

you are doing a world of good for her whether you realize it or not. the fact you keep listening to her shows you care about her. it sounds like she needs you to vent and to use you as a sounding board to her problems.

during this time...i suggest keep doing what youre doing and to try and not let her personal comments hurt you. i know that is easier said than done but it does make you appear to be a very understanding person.

- ivy

because she asked for space...you really need to give her space. i understand that you moved too fast and sometimes it's hard to slow down because youre so caught up in the high of the beginning and most fantastic part of the relationship. and sometimes you realize too late that you went too fast..... and that now you desperately want to slow it down to save the relationship.

well...i have had the same situation to me happen...and yes... you can fix that. at least i was able to. i gave the person as much space and time as they requested and was as understanding as i could possibly be.

when he was ready...he sought me out. what's important though is to NOT try to make this process go faster...it will go on it's own pace whether you want it to or not.

one part that does not sit well with me is the fact she says she is not ready for ANY relationship...including one with you. she really does need to be comfortable in her own skin and really does need to be able to be happy alone before she can be happy with someone else. maybe that's why she knows there is no future between you two because she doesnt know how long that is going to take and she doesnt want you to wait for her. and i dont blame her. maybe after she is finally ready...so much time will have passed and you two will not be the same people because people are constantly changing. or maybe she knows that she really shouldnt start a new relationship when so much of her heart will not belong to you because so much belongs to someone else....and it's not fair to offer you so little of it.

either scenario though...if she needs time and space...then totally give it to her and let her go if she asks you to.

-ivy

i went through the same thing. it is reallllllllly hard when your world used to have this one person in it all the time and now you have to make adjustments to have an ordinary world without her in it.

you need to delve into old or new hobbies, hang out with your family and friends, read self help books...hell read anything, talk about your feelings with people you know and even strangers (which is why this place helps), exercise, put up all things that remind you of her in a box and store it away. one of the things i did that my therapist recommended was to wear a rubberband around my wrist...and whenever i thought of this person...to snap the rubberband on my wrist somewhat hard to try to snap out of it and think of something else. i know that seems childish...but i realllllllllllly needed the help at the time.

- ivy

genetics is extremely powerful. but so is environmental issues so there are things you can do.

because you are more susceptible than others and have a predisposition...you should try to not make your chances any higher.

if your family has a predisposition to cancer...then always get checkups and eat plenty of antioxidants.

if you family has heart disease...then always exercise (especially cardio) and dont eat a lot of fats. also, get checkups on that regularly (high blood pressure, etc).

- ivy

i certainly believe it is possible to be friends with you ex's. i know one of my best friends is my ex. BUT there was no way in hell we could be friends immediately. after we broke up...it was about a year...we started talking again.

you know when youre ready when you can hear about your ex dating someone and not feel jealous...and your ex can do the same. now i listen to my ex's sex life and he listens to mine with no problem. neither one of us has an agenda to secretly want the person back. sometimes we reflect on our past but we do it in friendly fashion.

it's great to have him as a friend because not many people know me like how he does. even my current bf knows him now and doesnt consider him a threat. i think he might have at first...so that's why i introduced him so that he could see how we truly are just friends and that he should have no worries.

but if you want to be friends with your ex....you DEFINITELY need a time off period right after the break up. most of the time...when someone wants to stay friends IMMEDIATELY...they have an agenda or alterior motives. Some want to remain friends in hopes they will rekindle the relationship and some want to remain friends to continue helping boost their self esteem and some do it just use the person because they know how easy it is to walk all over this person.

it defintely is difficult though and not all people can. i know there was one ex that no matter how hard we tried...we could not stay friends.

-ivy

i agree with sex with another usualllllly helps getting over the ex.

BUT if you are hung up on them...then no amount of sex with multiple people will help.

the way i got over one of my ex's was to start dating others.

but then there was one ex...that no matter how many others i dated...i could never get over.

i guess it just depends on how hung up you are on this person and your personality type.

- ivy

i know when i first saw porn that i thought was toooo freaky...i was too weirded out and stopped talking to the guy.

id talk to him about it to try calm your worried mind or it might bother you to do the same.

- ivy

hey shorty

i know what you mean. i was in the same situation for a long while.

unfortunately...since you live under their roof....you dont have much of a choice. if you dont like their rules, then move out.

but because you dont have the means to move out yet, youre stuck. about the most you can do is try to talk it out and HOPE theyll be understanding.

i know my mom wasnt understanding AT ALL but that was more inspiration to hurry up and graduate so that i could move out. once i finally moved out....my relationship with my mom finally got better.

but i know when we'd butt heads about my freedom...she always told me to leave then. and she was right...it's her house...i have to respect her rules.

- ivy

maybe your ex realized how great a catch you were and how much fun you two had together and missed that.

i HOPE it's not because he needs a booty call...but with some men... who knows sometimes.

- ivy

wow...she judged your family too harshly and way too quickly. and then you keep making an effort to see her family....talk about extremely unfair.

i am very big on not putting up with a double standard...and that is what this is. she wont spend time with your family but expects you to spend time with hers. i would have a serious chat with her asap. if she still doesnt budge then i wouldnt stick around. she is controlling you on this one issue and you shouldnt be controlled. that's not fair to you nor your family.

i love my family dearly and i love my boyfriend dearly. if either one of them had a problem and insisted i didnt see the other...id have a huge problem with that. no one tells me what i can and cannot do...that is my choice. if it is a mistake...it would also be my mistake that id have to own up to.

her insisting you dont spend time with your family is also very selfish of her. my god...they are your family....they were there before her and they will be there after her. their love for you is unconditional. you should never let anyone tell you to be away from them. they always have your back and you should be greatful for that.

also...no family is perfect. the fact your sister lives at home is not a big deal...but if she sees that as a flaw...then she doesnt know what huge flaws are. if your sis lives at home still..she has her reasons and that's not her business. my family is far from perfect but i still embrace them and try not to change them. who is perfect to begin with?

- ivy

this guy has done you wrong. realllly wrong. and he has the potential to keep hurting you.

he has done you a favor by cutting contact. you dont want to know him. he sounds like he is confused and he is dragging you with him through this process. i think he will still be cheating on you with this girl since she is so close and readily available.

try to get over him...go out...do stuff with friends and family...try not to dwell on him. he lied and cheated and is capable of doing more harm than good now.

at least that's what i think....i had a ldr with a guy that cheated on me with his roommate's gf. he promised he'd stop but he never did. i guess i have a bad taste in my mouth because of my situation years ago...but i know i got better once he was out of my life.

- ivy

ok...im 33 so im REALLLLLLLLLLLY old. but you NEED to be bold and go up to him and have a piece of paper handy with your name, number, email..etc. tell him to give you a call so that you can hang out during the summer.

you realllllly should do something. when i was a senior in hs in 1990...the same thing happened to me and i didnt go up to the guy. i freaking still think about that with regret. i wish i would have had the guts. even if he ended up not calling me...at least i wouldnt have this regret that i was a chicken.

- ivy

i would talk on and on about how great my bf is and how much i love him and how i'd never do anything to hurt him. then all my stories would revolve around him. hopefully that is a subtle enough hint.

if they dont get that...tell them rudely.

that SHOULD work...if not....you got a stalker on your hands. be careful.

- ivy

im sorry you bf is mentally keeping you hostage.

and he probably is doing this because he really needs you. but because he is cruelly keeping you there and not getting help himself...this is becoming more and more painful and this is a loop you need to break out of for your own sake.

no one can be anyone's savior. if he wants to better himself...he has to want to. and he has no sense of urgency if you continue to be there for him.

also...i know he has helped you before...but that in no way makes you obligated to be there for him if he has no intentions of bettering himself. he has no right to hold that over you.

and believe me...if someone is always late in meeting me (your example of him being 5 hours late)...they either need to rapidly fix it or i'll fix it for them by not being around anymore. and since he treats this behavior like youre the one being irrational...that would irritate me even more.

you'll soon be going to college and meeting new people. new experiences await you. this guy seems to be holding you back. dont let him. if he offers to change and realllllllllly means it...i'd understand. but he seems to be having too much fun doing what he's doing now to be mature enough to want to change. you need to make changes now...and personally...id leave the guy.

i believe different people are brought into your life in different times in your life to help you through tough periods. and they dont necessarily stay in your life long either. maybe this guy's time is up. if it is...you should move on.

- ivy

wow that is very manipulative.

you should talk to her about how she manipulates you and that she shouldnt do that with affection and sex.

personally...i wouldnt stick around with someone that tries to control me in any way. and that is exactly what she is doing. you two need to have a sitdown asap.

- ivy

wow...you must be in agony. im sooo sorry.

it sounds like she never got over her ex though. i think even if you proclaim your love to her...she will still pick him. she has the choice now to pick either one of you and she is choosing him. i believe this man might still have most of her heart.

but since she wants to stay friends with you..it sounds like she still has feelings for you. but you probably shouldnt stay in contact with her...that is too painful for you and not fair. you will be able to heal much faster with her not around.

also...she seems to always go back to you when things with her ex dont work out. that isnt fair to you. that must also do a number on your self-esteem and make you feel 2nd. you need to find someone that makes you feel like youre the only important person in their life. you deserve that.

i dont think your ex is a bad person. i just think she loves both of you guys but most of her heart still belongs to her ex. when she started dating you...you might have been the rebound guy for her. and the rebound guy usually makes you feel good about yourself because they are usually into you much unlike her ex. it's not fair though that she can go to you to feel good and you cant go to her.

- ivy

haha..i do the same thing when im going through a breakup. i first make a cd of only depressing songs...i guess im somewhat a masochist...but that makes me feel even worse. maybe it's to just get a good cry out or something. but then i make a cd of songs that are empowering to get over him.

you sound like you need the songs to get over him. you DEFINITELY need "i will survive" by gloria gaynor. that song is amazing. those lyrics, to me, are like poetry.

i also like duran duran's "ordinary world". also empowering.

- ivy

you handled that wonderfully.

and yes...not just WOMEN though...ahem...but sometimes men & women purposely try to make their significant other jealous to see their response. i know my best friend does this often to her bf. she says she does that to keep him on his toes and to show him he better appreciate her or someone else will. also, she does it to see if he even cares. ive told her time and time again that if he doesnt respond with irritation that doesnt necessarily mean anything. but to her...if he doesnt get irritated...then he must not be that much into her.

personally...im like you...i think jealousy is a wasted emotion.

- ivy

alpal....my god my paranoia would be to the roof also. first...i never fully trust anyone because i believe you never ever REALLLLY know someone. and then i'd think...if it was me and i wouldnt have a condom unless i planned to have sex with someone. i also know though a relationship will not work if you can trust the person and that if you keep questioning their actions...they will eventually get tired and leave you.

personally...i'd give my bf the benefit of the doubt but be on the lookout for anything suspicious. i know that sounds awful and many might disagree me on this but im being honest.

i have a lot of friends that are guys...and some that i wouldnt even suspect are complete dogs. one dear friend of mine has a great, beautiful, sweet, smart gf. any man would be lucky to have her. he even knows he loves her. but whenever he goes out of town...he cheats on her. he says it's because men have this strong urge to procreate and to have the thrill of the hunt. now i know a lot of guys are NOT like this...but ever since he's told me this...ive often wondered who else thinks like this. he insists casual sex has nothing to do with love. now i know i dont love like that.

- ivy

wow....your choice of either taking the career or being with your love is a very very tough question and something only you would know the answer to. have you seen the movie with angelina jolie called Life or Something Like It? in it...she is so career driven she that she neglects her love life and realize she isnt happy because of that. BUT then there is the opposite spectrum that if you give up your chance to further your career...you will always resent your bf and yourself for the sacrifice you made. i hope you make a decision that doesnt have you regretting it later.

-ivy

i have been in your same shoes and i know your frustration.

i understand doing the career thing now....and if you dont...you'd regret it and even resent your bf if you dont follow through with this. and this is important to you and your self-worth so i understand you following through with it.

i also know that that a lot of time apart causes a lot of stress on the relationship. a year is a lot to ask for anyone...but if you two are willing to try...then hopefully it will eventually fall into place. it sounds like a difficult task actually...i hope you two can do it.

a friend of mine that was in your situation...her and her bf didnt work out because her bf got too lonely. but then another friend of mine waited it out and now she's married to her bf. it's hard to tell if it's in the cards for you two.

one thing i remembered in my psychology class is that some relationships dont work out solely because of timing. there was plenty of love and compatibility...but because the timing wasnt right...the relationship didnt make it. i hope that doesnt happen to you...but you should think realistically and brace yourself for either outcome. good luck with that.

-ivy