Whirling D

All true, wise… And if I recall correctly, we had a really good night. But that’s a week ago, and my elderly brain can hardly remember… We went into the small, coastal town the next morning, and had a blast, so that was nice.

Likely true. The good news is that I thought about it, and weighed the choices, and tried to look at it from her perspective. I let it go. Kind of. It probably deserved a short conversation with her, but who knows what perspective that would’ve brought up.

I just thought of something else that got on my nerves last week. At times, she does act somewhat selfishly… In small ways, and they certainly are not deal breakers, because I’m sure I could identify a few things that I do in that way, as well. But, last weekend, I played a gig midday, and a few days earlier, I was suggesting to her that after my gig, I could come up and we could drive together up to her Beachhouse, because we had a day and a half and I knew she would love the opportunity to go up. So, she thought that was a fine idea, and that was a plan for about 48 hours… Until I was done with my gig, and I called her on the phone… She said to me “I’m not going to go to my beach house now, so let’s figure out what we can do around my house”. I was kind of distracted by that… Because it wasn’t, “I’m not really feeling like I want to go to the beach house now. It’s just too much stress to go up there for one day. How would you feel if we skip at this time?“ However, what she said, seemed singularly one-sided, as if she didn’t really need to consult me and ask me what I thought about the situation. It didn’t feel like partnership. It took me about an hour and a half to settle with that, and not try to make something out of it. I knew going up there for her could be stressful, because she puts so much energy into packing, and cleaning the place up when we leave, etc., and I suspected that’s why she was changing her mind. I kind of wish that she would have included me in on the decision, and I do have a little bit of this feeling that she’s going to try to operate as the queen bee from time to time. That won’t work for me either.

I think we are both still very much getting a feel for where things lay. When there is something that comes up that makes it clear that we are very different about a particular topic, it strikes us both down a notch, because I think we have been so marveled with how alike we are in so many different ways, that now that we are seeing how we are different, we are both kind of a bit disappointed by the differences. I think it takes both of us a bit to reevaluate and begin to see that those differences aren’t really that big of a deal. But I can’t really speak for her. At least she always seems to come around and tell me she doesn’t think they are a big deal, because I always seem to roll back around to those topics a little while later, just to check in to see if she’s been thinking about some of those things. She always says she appreciates that we are talking about things and trying to come up with solutions, and that none of her other boyfriends would even bother doing that. That’s a significant positive.

Thanks, Smackie… Her and I are so alike in so many ways. When I went up to her beach house 10 days ago, I was kind of a mess for the first while I was there… Didn’t think it was for me. Too rich and snobby… But after a while, I started to chill and concentrate on just being with her, and she was lovely… made me feel very at home, and at ease about it. I told her I was very anxious and not feeling like I fit in there and was deserving of that kind of lifestyle. She responded by saying, “why wouldn’t you be deserving of this, you worked a lot of years to be good at some thing that is important in the world, working with kids“. It was a very thoughtful thing for her to say. Part of me wonders if despite all of the things that may be prohibitive for her, she is staying with me because of chemistry and attraction. Unlike almost every other woman on the planet… she finds me very attractive, and that seems to be taking her and I a long way. I can feel her attraction to me, and I hear her words, and it’s quite strong. But that’s only part of it. She told me quite a few times early on that I was one of the few people that would accept her quirks and all, and kind of “gets” who she is. I do in most ways, except for lifestyle. We are very different In that regards in many ways. Not so much in others. I think my biggest fear is that I’m going to be constantly feeling like I am lesser than. That won’t work well for me. It might have to be up to me to get over that and get over myself. For the most part, I don’t have this feeling that she is my superior… I think, intellectually speaking, and personally speaking, we are both pretty close… It’s really the socioeconomic thing that has made the biggest differences… And what she brings to the table because of that. maybe the religion, as well. probably my biggest complaint with our situation, and perhaps, with her, is that she has a little bit of an entitlement streak. It’s not overwhelming, and it doesn’t come out all the time… But every once, in a blue moon, I hear something come out of her mouth that is a bit snobby… I could probably live with that. My girlfriend from a couple of years ago was way worse. I guess I can be inverse snobby, as well from time to time… 🙂

Thanks, Bat… I was thinking many of the same things… I don’t think I would dare make a comment about someone’s house like that, but I’m trying to look at the fair side of it. I asked her what she thought about being here, and I guess I have to be OK with the answer to a question that I actually asked? I don’t know. She strikes me as being fairly thoughtful, overall, except for when she gets these things in her head… Germs… Money… Maybe religion… Can differences in these areas coexist? she was in a bad mood the other day, when she woke up, and was very sensitive about it. We were watching a video on YouTube, about attachment styles, and the presenter was saying that conveying negative energy in a relationship is destructive, because even though one may not be physically or verbally assaulting their partner, the negative energy can build up and be toxic. I completely relate to that, since I have spent a lot of my time with bad energy… Not as much these days, but when I was working full-time and raising my kid, I’d be constantly in a nasty mood. I think I was overwhelmed. I think she is somewhat overwhelmed, so I’m kind of being tolerant of that. She never animed any of that negative energy at me, and I would probably point it out quickly if she did. But, she showed a lot of embarrassment that she wasn’t feeling great and didn’t want for me to be affected by her negative energy. I’m trying to understand that all people will have bad moods, and feel anxious from time to time, certainly myself included. She doesn’t seem like she is in a bad mood all the time. Just some of the time, probably just like me and most of the rest of the planet. I don’t think her occasional bad moods, or being overstressed is a dealbreaker, unless it became more prevalent or aimed at me. So far, so good. as far as the dishwasher goes, I just got a fairly good one a little over a year ago, and the owners manual actually says that there’s no need to prerinse, because that’s what the machine is made to do. As usual, I would much rather take the chance, with the likelihood that there may be a stray encrusted utensil here or there, rather than rinse everything that goes in there. She likes to rinse. Other people I know like to rinse. I think it’s a waste of time, but certainly not a dealbreaker, I doubt. But do most couples go through these kinds of learning curves, and have to tolerate these kind of difference, or do these stories bring bigger likelihood of issues? My anxiety over the last 24 hours is making me think that I’ll just never live up to her expectations… And that’s not a life I’m sure I’m interested in living..

So… It’s been a week or two since I’ve been off of here. Lots to report, I guess. There is good, and not so good with the doctor lady. I’m hesitant to come on here again, since first of all, I don’t think the site is moderated all that well, and second, I was getting tired of the nasty, subtle comments that were meant more to make the poster feel powerful rather than to be helpful. It’s not appropriate. I don’t come on here to read backhanded nasty comments that are derogatory and mean. If this is you, don’t post on my threads. If anything even comes close to being mean or nasty, I will report you and block you. I come on here for thoughtful perspective and encouragement. Not to defend mean condescension. I won’t be on here as much over the next few days, but I will be reading, and may be replying with short thoughts. So, with that out-of-the-way… I don’t even know what I said last. I may have said we had a fantastic weekend up at her Beachhouse. This weekend it was her first time spending the weekend at my house. It was certainly triggering. I worked like a dog to get the place in good shape, and for the most part, it was as good as it could possibly be when she got here. I will preface this by saying that, even though I say that my house is often “dirty“ it’s not a pigpen. I just can’t get to every nook and cranny, and I can’t dust every surface on a regular basis. Some things haven’t been touched for a long time. I’m OK with that, because I have to prioritize. That’s life, I guess. The night before I tried to give her an “out” and tell her that I’d be more than happy to come up to her house since I do enjoy going up there. She very happily told me that she was looking forward and wanted to come down to my house. OK, good, but I was a bit apprehensive about it, and likely for a good reason. I guess the main point of this posting is to figure out whether what I am encountering and what I’m feeling is just normal wear and tear for a new relationship, or whether or not these kinds of things are just going to spell chaos moving forward. for example. She is hugely germ phobic. I suppose that could be considered expected, consider, she’s a doctor… But it seems way overboard to me. I don’t spend a lot of time worried about germs and bacteria, but she looks for it in every corner. She doesn’t get angry about it, or seem to get an a huff about anything, but she’ll certainly point things out… More specifically, when I was up at her house, I offered to help with the dishwasher, and she asked me to just shake off the tops of all of the items that might have water on them and let them dry in the dishwasher further, because the bacteria can grow, and mold. So, I went one step further, and said, I would empty the dishwasher out, and I began to do that, and I told her that in my house, I’ll take the stuff in the dishwasher that’s even a little wet and just put it up in the cabinets… I know that it will dry there, and I’ve never noticed any detriment in doing so, even considering my house is very humid most of the summer. She replied, in a somewhat disgusted tone, “well, that’s how you can get bacteria and mold, growing“. I don’t really think about that, and I don’t really care. But I respected what she was asking, and I would comply, but I personally think it’s a bit overboard. There are many examples of this kind of thing when she got to my house. Most of the time, it was just casual conversation and observation that would bring these things up… And, of course, things appeared that I tried hard to take care of, like a spoon that was put back in the drawer that still had remnants encrusted on it since the dishwasher didn’t get it all off. Usually I try to keep an eye on that, but one spoon slipped by, and of course it’s the one she found. If it was me that found this, but it wasn’t, I would just take the thing over to the sink and rinse the thing off with a sponge and then use it. But she’s not me. She had to point it out in a somewhat annoyed manner. There were several of these kinds of encounters. But there were a couple of bigger ones where, on the second day here, I said to her in a somewhat confident manner, “so, what do you think now after being here for a little while… Do you have a different perspective on being in this house?” Her reply was not at all what I was hoping for. She pretty much said she thought it was worse than she thought it might be, and that she could never live in an old house like this. She seemed disappointed and somewhat disillusioned. I’m not sure those are the exact words she used, but it triggered me to no end. It made me wonder why I was even trying to introduce this lady to my world and how our lifestyles are just so diametrically different. Not to mention, I don’t think I could ever in my life say something like that to someone who I knew loved their house. It’s a little angering to even think of that conversation, truthfully, but I may be extracting a lot more emotion out of what she was saying then she was trying to convey. She may have just been saying that old houses are just not her thing. The conversation lasted for a while, and I tried to figure out what it was that was so triggering about what she said, given that, in a similar occasion she was in my kitchen, and I asked her what she would do differently in a house, like this, and she pointed out all the things that personalize the space… All the stuff that my daughter hangs on the walls… The Christmas cards and birthday cards that I have hanging on a rope above the doorway, which I’ve been collecting for years… She doesn’t like that stuff. I think it adds character and personality, but not her. I tried to evaluate what it was bringing up in me that her and I had these differences, and I thought it was because if she critiques my living environment like she does, and pretty much blatantly says she could never live in a house like this, I told her that it’s like criticizing a little part of me, because so much of me is wrapped up in what this house represents, warts, and all. Thankfully, she said it was still a work in progress, and she is trying to ease into being over here, and she never once said she was uncomfortable, which was great. We pretty much had a good time while we were here. We also talked about the likelihood that would have to be compromise, moving forward, because I’m not going to just not want to hang stuff up on the wall that’s meaningful to me because she doesn’t like it. It just can’t work that way. She seemed OK with that I think. It also brought me back to a conversation we had a couple of days earlier, and I don’t even remember how it started, when we started talking about religion. I’m not traditionally religious. On our second date, I brought up that i noticed that she wears a necklace with a cross on it, and we talked about it, and she clearly said “well, it’s really not that big of a deal“. well, the other night she started asking me about it, and I started inquiring as to whether or not she was truly OK being with someone that couldn’t share her religious beliefs. Now, she was saying she wasn’t really sure. That’s still a work in progress, as well. She still thinking about that. It seemed like a bit of a red flag was surfacing for her. We talked about it for a lengthy period of time, and her issue wasn’t necessarily that I don’t believe in “God“, but seemed more interested that I believe in some sort of higher power. She became quite emotional when she was thinking that it would be hard for her to be with someone that didn’t believe that we would someday be reunited with our loved ones on a higher plane. It was hard for me to reconcile that conversation, and the one related to my house, because to me, it said this… Am I going to be feeling that I am not enough for this lady moving forward? I woke up this morning with this strong feeling that I need to end this. I woke up feeling not enough. I have spent most of my life fighting off this feeling of not being adequate enough for people in my environment. My dad, my older, brother, previous partners, people in my workplace, it always seems like I wasn’t enough for everybody else around. I needed to be or do something else. I don’t want to feel like that anymore. Ultimately, my biggest struggle is wondering whether this is all in my head, which it may very well be… Given my abandonment tendencies, and perhaps even a little bit of avoidant attachment stuff… So, I know all the usual stuff… Every situation has differences and compromises… And she even pretty much ended both of those conversations by saying that none of those things were likely major issues for her, even though they kind of seemed like it when we were talking about them, although that may have just been my triggered brain making a lot more out of the conversations than we’re really there. I don’t know. I did say to her after the religion conversation that I thought that I wanted her to find a situation that had all of the elements that she needed in place, and that perhaps her and I were not the right fit. I don’t know where that was coming from inside of me, but it felt like I meant it at the time… I don’t want her to settle for something that doesn’t have all the important elements that she needs to be happy. I wouldn’t want that for her. She said back to me, in somewhat of a sad tone, that she didn’t want me to leave, and that we would be able to work these things out, and time would make things more clear. Well, as I wake up this morning, I start thinking that I don’t have a lot of time. Do I really want to be putting time into a situation that seems likely to have systemic issues this early on? Can two people that have lived very different lives come together and resolve these differences and successfully move forward and not resent each other for having to bend too far in another direction? I think I could probably accomplish that, but I’m not sure. It feels like I’m kind of on the downside, looking up fairly early on, and I’m not sure that’s fair to myself, really. Maybe I should look at this for what it is, and two people that just are in very different places in their lives, and have very different interests. If it’s that simple, I know what the answer is. But the bottom line, despite these hitches, this lady is awesome. I enjoy her tremendously and feel a massive connection with her. But it draws out a lot of my triggers and skeletons probably more than anyone else, because there are so many positive things between us. I’m not even really sure what I’m looking for with this post, other than to purge a bit, and hopefully, my thoughtful friends on here will tell me whether these are things that they have struggled with in their relationships, and whether or not the parties involved were able to let some of these things go in their minds and get on with just enjoying each other’s company and valuing what is there, rather what is not. I do believe I think she could do that, although it would not be easy. She’s likely more stuck in her ways than I am. That’s a argueable, though. so, I ended up talking with her on the phone this morning, as I usually do, when she’s driving on the way to work, and she seemed so positive and talked about things we can do in the future, that kind of thing, and it started to ease my anxiety and make me think… “Oh, maybe she’s not going to have 1 foot out the door after all…“ Which made me think that it’s just my abandonment anxiety kicking in… But then, after thinking about all these things I just mentioned, I go back to thinking that may be these are problems that could be detrimental moving forward. What do you think? Thanks for reading, and again, I appreciate your responses, as long as they are kind.

This is a tough story to read. I’m so sorry this happened to you, especially when you are so vulnerable. there are multiple trauma based mental health conditions that would cause somebody like him to be like they are… It’s even quite possible that he really did like you, but something snapped in his brain when it became too emotionally complicated for him. One way or another, as I think wise said, you dodged a bullet. You should use whatever technique or tools you have in your tool chest to get you through the next few days or months, because the pain will subside, and you will begin to feel back to normal… you will likely even feel the wiser because of it. and if anything, this might bring you a little bit of the reality that you are attractive to potential suitors out here, and you will meet people that will be tickled by your fancy… 🙂 Hopefully, whoever you find next will not have the same characteristics… 😟😵‍💫

Who the F cares WHEN she offered you Sunday or a night this week? You have no idea why she took that amount of time, and why would it even really matter at this point? You. Are. Just. Getting. Go. Know. Her. What’s stoping you from saying… “Hey! Sunday sounds great, what time and where?“ Or, “nice to hear from you! Which night this week is good for you and where do you wanna go?“ your responses to her tossed it back into her court. That seems passive. Somewhat disinterested. Not clear. It’s likely sending her almost the same kind of cloudy signals that you say she’s sending you. That’s my read on it. That’s how I would interpret your responses. Double heart at the end of her message? Crap! Doesn’t seem too unclear to me. She would enjoy seeing you. Now go effing see her!

What’s the context we are looking at, Lamb? are you not available tomorrow, Sunday? she says she is open weeknights this week. Are you going to nail something down? from an outsider‘s perspective, it almost seems like you’re playing a little hard to get. Unless I am missing something. I haven’t read the whole thread.

I was getting absolutely no response on dating sites, as well, exactly as you are describing. At least, no one that I was even remotely interested in, almost exactly as you are describing. I wrote literally hundreds of thoughtful, engaged, often silly messages to women. Many that I thought would be in a very similar wheel house to myself… Not. One. Single. Reply. but you know what? I don’t consider myself ugly. I just consider myself different. I think that’s a major consideration for you. I suspect that you would not be ugly, at least by my definition, or likely even most people. You may be different, and have a different look. But that doesn’t mean you’re ugly. That’s a very different distinction. i’ve never felt ugly, so I haven’t had to battle that, but I have felt weird, at least in terms of what other people thought. That’s been a big liability. so, I don’t really know what my point is, other than to say that I can empathize with what you are experiencing. however, I very highly doubt that most people I know would consider you ugly. Different, maybe? Not ugly. That might be a narrative worth considering changing. Using positive language, positive reinforcement. I do find that helpful. i’ll tell you another brief anecdote if you’re interested in reading. About 10 years ago, in my chosen career, I found myself with a boss that I knew disliked me. There was no good reason, other than things she created in her head. And she micromanaged my career, to a certain extent, at least enough to keep her feeling secure that I wasn’t going to get her into trouble. I had to walk into that building day after day feeling like a complete misfit, and that I could actually get fired at any moment. This went on for quite a few years, and guess what, that eventually basically happened, more or less. I lost my career there at her hands. but while it was happening, I had to soothe myself by chanting for the last five or 10 minutes of my ride… “I am a good person, and a decent fellow, and I bring good things to the kids that I work with who care about me and value what I have to offer… Don’t let this lady convince you otherwise, because you are worth way more than what she is making you feel“ that did help. I don’t know how this kind of anecdote would be helpful to you, but at least at that point, it helped me change the narrative, if even only a little bit, and allowed me to walk into that building with my head held high, until she found some other reason to push me out the door. But that’s another whole story. A lot of people on here said quite often that maybe people like you and I just need to find our own community. Where could that be for you?

I have to say, I am now curious… about a month ago, I was saying similar things, and someone dared me to post a photo so they could judge for themselves whether they thought I was unattractive to women… I did that, and was actually surprised by the mixed response. I had one lady on here actually private message me and thought I was a nice looking dude and couldn’t understand all of my problems meeting women. then there was a lady that I still converse with on here that said I was an average looking dude… But all of them said that my attitude was cringe worthy. And I felt like that at the time. when I have nothing to look forward to, no one in my circle, no one to make me feel that I am appreciated, at least outside of myself, then I tend to become very negative and angry, and I sense it is the same for you. so, I’d be interested to see what you look like, and I can almost assure you, that I doubt I would call you ugly. I doubt I would think you are ugly. for one, if I understand correctly, you come from an entirely different racial ancestry than most of us that are on here… You may actually, similar to me, be a bird of a different flock. I definitely feel that way where I am. To me, I feel like I look different, speak different, think differently, and therefore, I feel like I am stereotyped and marginalized because of it. so, I get it… with all that said… Call the stinking art lady!

You know, rainbow, I don’t necessarily think it is about the energy you give forth. I can say without a huge amount of doubt that I convey a very strong positive energy when I meet new people. I am smiling, and engaging, with a bright personality. do you know where that has gotten me with all women in the last seven years, minus the doctor lady? Absolutely f-ing nowhere. Zero. Nada. Nothing burger. I say that with a little bit of a chuckle, because the tide has turned, I guess, but I can only imagine what will happen if the tide recedes again. I will feel exactly as lame does, and have for the last 30 years.

I don’t believe it is that simple. I will sit there and watch these really tall guys with beautiful women who are outgoing and engaging, and the tall guys just sit there like dopes without interacting, without showing any kind of real interest in the lady that is with them. Of course, I have no idea what their history is or what their struggles might be, but it is mind boggling to watch two people sit across the table from each other, with one of them being completely checked out, and the other one showing so much signs of life that you wonder why the woman is with this dope in the first place. I see that over and over again. So whether you want to chaulk it up to the tall dude having charm and personality, or she was attracted to him because he looked powerful and domineering, that’s a matter of speculation. Much of what I hear coming from women seems to indicate that tall is a big turn on, so I’m tempted to believe that.

Yeah, probably… 🙂 But I see ugly guys around all the time that are 6’3” with beautiful partners. I see that more often than not. If a guy is tall, they almost always have a nice lady at their side. I can pretty much assure you it is not their charming personality that gets them dates. I even watch them closely, and most of the time the 6 foot three guys I see are fairly shy and don’t have much personality. But those ladies like them for some reason, and many many women will tell you that height is a big draw for them. It makes many women feel more secure and safe. I wrote in the other thread that a few months ago I began chatting with this nice lady on the local Facebook dating page… I thought we would have a lot in common to talk about, and she wasn’t getting much attention on that page, so I private messaged her and we chatted for a bit, and then I told her it would be nice to meet and chat for a bit because I thought we would have a lot to talk about… she made up every excuse, and I let it go for a while, only to find that later she reposted her profile on that page, and at the end it stated something like… “I’m attracted to tall guys, between 6 feet and 6 feet three“ and that’s kind of a dealbreaker for me.” I kind of wanted to say something a bit nasty to her after that, but we all know you can’t always help what you’re attracted to, I guess. so, the OP I think may be oblivious to the fact that his 6 foot three height is a huge advantage to him, despite him saying that he thinks he’s ugly, which I highly doubt is true.

I would not like to think that I was patronizing you, because quite frankly, you have a lot more likely going for you than I ever have… 6 feet three… That’s a huge advantage. I can completely relate to what you have been going through, but I haven’t given up. And it has paid off, seemingly. so that seems to be where you and I are different. You are choosing to roll over and play dead. I have not.

I see so much of myself in much of what you write… I think you and I have a lot of the same skeletons, if you will. at the risk of being insufferable to the other people that are chiming in here, I’ll try to give you a nutshell version of what I’ve experienced over the last month with a lady I’ve just began to date… she was the one person that liked my dating profile that I found interesting in years. But she didn’t say much. She seemed a little aloof, only marginally interested, although it was her that liked my profile… And it took a lot of back-and-forth before we finally got together. but, what I found is that she was nothing like what she conveyed by text. She was warm, and engaging, and I was highly attracted to her because of those things. fast forward over the next few weeks, I would belabor and get hugely anxious because she wouldn’t respond to a text the way I thought I would if I was hugely attracted to someone. I’d get one word answers. Or she wouldn’t be as demonstrative with her praise as I thought she might upon sending her something that she might like. I could go on and on. but it was totally different when we got together. Completely. Takeaway: this lady that I’m dating isn’t great at texting. She’s not timely. Sometimes she won’t even respond at all to something I say. That’s just the way her life works. It may or may not have anything to do with me. It seems to not have anything to do with me, because as hard as it is for me to admit, this girl actually seems to likes me… go,figure… This is shy, awkward, not very attractive feminine looking dude with long hair. She makes no bones about wanting to be with me and finding me attractive. my trust that this is real is almost nonexistent, similar to how you probably feel that it is nonexistent that this art lady may like you. But I can assure you, if it can happen to me, it can happen to you… 🙂 and probably similar to you, I am still walking around on eggshells thinking that the floor is gonna fall out from underneath me at any moment. That in itself sucks. My therapist just suggested, as many here have also, that it’s a self fulfilling prophecy… I expect it, therefore I subconsciously sabotage. I’m not sure that I deliberately sabotage, I just expect bad things to happen. I don’t think there’s any deliberate intention for either you or I to sabotage, but I think we do because we don’t believe that there is any alternative. If it’s not self sabotage, at least it’s not taking the steps forward to pursue something that could make us happy. there are many on here that believe that you and I should probably not be dating secure confident women, because we lack the skills of confidence to be able to sustain a relationship without constantly looking for validation, or reasons that it’s going to implode. That is really hard on a partner, I think, and I feel it happening in my own situation constantly. But this lady hasn’t shown she’s going anywhere. Not yet. That is so hugely anxiety provoking. but as my own personal therapist just said… We have to get out of our own head and enjoy the moments that are right in front of us. Similar to my situation, you have a lady that might just like you. You don’t know yet. There is no way to yet know. She may be feeling awkward about your exchanges, as well, and maybe isn’t completely sure what your interest is. You don’t know yet. but there’s no good reason not to find out. I like the ideas of the others… Give her a call or a text and invite her out to something that you think she might like. She’ll either take it or leave it, or she’ll offer something else in return. Sometimes, getting to know someone is a long journey, with lots of twists, and hills and valleys. She may not even know what she wants yet. That doesn’t mean there couldn’t be a future. and like I have said in my other thread, the stakes feel so incredibly high, likely for you as well, since we don’t ever have these kinds of opportunities, so the thought of them slipping through our hands is hugely anxiety provoking. I hear you. But in someways, it’s probably better than how pathetic we will feel if we do what we’ve done most of our life, and that is sit on the sidelines and wish that something good might come to us. well, in my case, something great has come, and I can only hope not to screw it up… I have an opportunity in front of me. You should go for it and see if it’s an opportunity that you have in front of you, as well. The goodness that you have inside of you is what should propel you to move forward and offer that goodness to this lady. You owe it to yourself, and you may even owe it to her to give her an opportunity to get to know you. She clearly wants that. Clearly. as my therapist would say… Don’t think. Do. 🙂

It would be helpful, at least to me, for you to describe what you mean by “lack of effort“ or pulling back. Could you give some examples? Be specific?

Ouch… Yikes… that’s tough. It would certainly be tough for me, as well. so… Basic information… How old are you guys? you say you have communicated about the subject… What have you guys talked about, and have you been able to determine what kind of problems exist that exacerbate the lack of sexual interest?

I don’t get that. A nice lady that you could like shows interest in you, perhaps arguably, and you are going to leave it in her hands to keep it going? You can spin that anywhere you want, but that is underachieving your interests and your goal. You want to be able to attract a nice lady and get to know them. That seems to be your goal. Here you are with an opportunity to do just that, and you are leaving that opportunity in her hands. I’m going to be a bit tough on you here a bit, and say… Man up! Stop making excuses and go pursue a girl that you may like. F whatever excuses you can come up with as to who ghosted or who changed plans last. If you want to be attractive, try to do attractive things… Show this girl you are interested in getting to know her by coming up with a plan and inviting her out. It’s not rocket science. She will respect your efforts and your determination. It may or may not work, but you have to give it a shot. getting to know someone is a long road for many of us. But you’re never going to get to your destination if you back off and wait for her to start your car. You need to start your own car and step on the gas pedal. Don’t wait for her to drive your car. If you wanna get to know her, make it clear to her and step on the gas pedal.

Lamb… Kiwi hits the nail on the head with this posting. I would recommend ignoring any other negative comments and really listen to this one. it sounds like you had a very positive and great experience with this lady. Try not to over analyze it… Yes, this is coming from the pot that’s calling the kettle black. I do the same thing. from our outside perspective, it seems that you may have a chance at getting to know this lady better, and you should take that chance. Get on your f-ing Phone within about the next 24 hours and text her. Come up with something interesting to talk about, or maybe something interesting to do… “Hey Art lady, how “art” thou? 😊. Really enjoyed hanging out the other day… Would love to do it again… I know of this new place I’ve been wanting to check out… Want to go try it with me?“ It can be as simple as that. It will be torture to send that text and then worse waiting for a response… But you know you have to do that, right? take one step at a time. Expect nothing, and hope for the best. Just. Do. It. I assure you, if it were me, that would be one of the hardest texts to send. But you’ve got opportunity. There’s no way in purgatory this lady doesn’t like you for what you’ve already presented. Try not to compartmentalize, just like I do… “She’s too much of this, or not enough of that…“. Just try to get to know the lady. Don’t put pressure on yourself or her to be a certain way. Just do and be. if you don’t reach out to her in about the next 24 hours, and I knew where you live, I would come and kick your 6‘ 3” arse. as everyone is saying on here… Try to change the narrative. It is now not “I never have girls like me“ it’s now “this girl is showing she likes me, and now I want to like myself enough to allow her past my defenses and get to know her for who she is“ don’t make me have to figure out where you live and come kick your rear end… 😂

Somehow I don’t think we are twin brothers… He is 6 feet three black dude, and I am 5ft 8” feminine looking white dude… 😂 I agree with most of what he is saying… With the singular exception of whether he should continue to take his shot with this lady, which I believe he should. It may or may not pan out, but there’s nothing really to lose, because if he doesn’t take his shot, it will probably feel worse in the long run than at least trying. Lady luck often favors the bold, but it is sometimes very hard to see it that way when lady luck hasn’t been anywhere to be found for a long time, which is what I can relate to very closely to what he has been saying all along. his logic is fairly much spot on also. It’s hard for many of you to really understand what he’s been saying unless you’ve been directly in his kind of shoes, which I suspect many of you haven’t. You would have to be a guy that has been by himself for a while, has been lonely, and can’t find any kind of female attention if your life depends on it. I’ve had extended periods of time where my life reflected just that. So I get it, and I know exactly what he’s talking about.

What the heck? Good for you! is “not intending to cease contact“ your roundabout way of saying that you would like to see her again, and could possibly be hopeful that you can see her again? Tell us what happened!

Well, there is a bit of a difference, and I hope Lamb is still reading… (although he may be turned off by a lot of the comments… And I wouldn’t blame him). The biggest part that is different between our stories, is that I took the shots. That’s what he needs to do. I still agree with much of his philosophy, because I’ve lived it, just like he has. I gave you guys anecdote after anecdote as to why I believed what I did, and most of it is unrefutable. So, in that regard, I can completely relate to what he’s talking about. but if he doesn’t take the shot, how can he land any kind of possibility with this lady? I didn’t think it was possible that I would meet somebody that I like. I still scratch my head and feel like saying things to her to question why in the world she says she likes me, and to beg her not to break my heart. Because that’s been the way the world has been for me for most of my adult life. I’m guessing lamb has already conceded his defeat, although I certainly hope that’s not the case.