Whirling D

Well, duh… i’ve been saying this all along, wise. I suspect that this girl and I will just not be compatible. That’s why I call them red flags, and have been hesitant to feel a lot of optimism. if it were as easy as “having more success with women I have more in common with“, I wouldn’t be on here whining incessantly like I have been… 😂

Thanks all… I’ve been traveling for the last couple of days, and had my dad’s service, so I haven’t been on here as much. I am home now, where I have no family anywhere nearby, and have a lot of time to contemplate my navel… And write on here… 🙂 if you wonder how and why I spend so much time writing on here, it’s because there is no one around most of the time when I am here. I only work part time, and I have zero family anywhere within 500 miles of here, and I only have my daughter half the week, so the other half I pretty much have a lot of space to fill. I don’t mind being by myself A lot of the time, given that I am a little bit of an introvert and shy, maybe even a loner, but sometimes a lot of space lends to a lot of negative thinking. as for the topic of my income. I lost my career 5 1/2 years ago rather suddenly, but I had enough retirement accrued to basically pay my very expensive mortgage in a fairly expensive area of the US for the rest of my life. Everything else I have to earn, so I have a small music lesson business that I do five days a week for about three hours to earn the extra living income. here’s my philosophy, should you be interested. I am approaching Social Security age, so I am no longer young. I have no idea how many years/months/weeks/days I will be breathing, and I have little interest in extending myself more than I want to, given I have no idea how much longer I will be alive. I’m trying not to take my time for granted. with that said, I have learned that things can be taken from us so quickly, and most of my life has been filled with one kind of loss after another, which I’m sure is not hugely unusual for many. I have also gotten to a point where I have, really, not a huge value for money. My time is infinitely more valuable to me than money. Therefore, I would rather work as little as possible, so I can spend my time doing the things that bring me greater satisfaction in life… And also the things that I have to do. for example, I have a fairly high maintenance property, with a 250 year old farmhouse that is in constant disrepair, and the land is filled with bushes, trees, grass, and every sort of environment that constantly needs work pretty much in all seasons. Just keeping my property and my house up-to-date and organized is a fair amount of work. I also want to have time to be able to practice music, and try to grow my band. Those things should be at the top of the list, but they always slide down, due to house maintenance, and work obligations. so, I have no shortage of things that I should be doing, and even a greater list of things that I want to be doing. Working for money is not high on that list. both of my former lady friends, and even my ex spouse, constantly tried to “encourage“ me to expand my business or think of other ways to earn money, which in some ways, devalued my interest in working less. Not sure how relevant it is, but my dad was fully retired with 37 years in the Canadian military and pension when he was 57 years old, both my sister and my brother were fully retired with pensions by the time they were my age. I really don’t feel the need to feel guilty about not wanting to work at my age, but most of the time, because of the cultural values here, I think there are a lot of people that kind of look down on the fact that I only work part time, and I don’t really have an interest in working a lot more. of course, I may have to work more at some point in the not too distant future. Yes, I could start taking Social Security soon, but my Social Security income will be fairly minimal, because the state considers my teaching pension as social security and subtract that from my eligibility, so I literally will only be getting a couple hundred dollars a month for Social Security. Believe me, with my income, a couple of hundred is helpful, and may make the difference between breaking even in a month, or not. It certainly will not be enough for an extravagant lifestyle. of course, I could move to another region and probably live more comfortably. If I moved another hour or hour and a half away from the big city (I live about an hour outside of a major city in the Northeast), I could probably acquire a house that’s worth about half the value of mine, and that may bring my mortgage down quite a bit, but I don’t have a lot of equity in the house, for various reasons, so even moving to a less expensive area isn’t high on the list of things I could likely do, also given that I have my 15-year-old daughter here. When I stop working, I have to sell this house. There’s no way around that. There’s no way I can afford living expenses after I stop working. Unless I did something radical, like sell half of my property, or take a roommate. I’ll manage that when I get there. I suspect I should be able to work in some capacity for another 10 years. so, the last three girls I have been with didn’t really give a diddly squat about my income, but, of course, they all would hear me talk about it and complain, so they wanted to be helpful and try to “encourage“ me to do things to earn more money, which really felt more annoying than not, even though I think they were just trying to be somewhat maternal. but for the most part, I try not to spend much mental energy worrying about money, but I do have to be practical and think about it a fair amount just to break even and to keep things moving forward, and that does come with a little bit of stress and anxiety, but I may be able to put that away fairly easily. but, in terms of dating, I’m sure it weighs down on dating a little bit, considering that the average girl that I might like could very easily have a bias toward the kind of lifestyle that I have chosen. Many may not understand or care for the choices that I make. I think that lowers my partner potential, as well. As Bat said, Who wants to feel like they may have to take care of someone who may not be financially solvent? My three last partners have been very generous in that regard, although I Really never had any reason to ask them for a single thing. so, on to the doctor lady. I just got home from Canada, and I was just looking around my house thinking… What kind of doctor lady would possibly want to spend time in an old beat up farmhouse out in the country? that’s why I think the red flags are valid, and not really just self-destructive thinking. I will go ahead and try to meet this lady, but I have to prepare myself for what I think will be inevitable disappointment, if the obvious surfaces, and she just learns quickly that she’s not crazy about my lifestyle, or even my looks, for that matter. I’ve spent almost my entire adult life battling being judged and dismissed because of these things, why should I think it would be any different this time around, particularly with a lady that could probably pick from any circle of nice guys that she wants? as I have mentioned on other threads, I do believe that I am a nice guy, and I think I have many things that are of high value. I just don’t think that most women feel that way, and for what reason, you would have to ask them. I think it’s all the things I’ve already said… I’m not particularly tall, I’m kind of girly looking, and I probably project disinterest in cultural norms. then there’s the conversations on here about how I worded my last question to her… I looked back on my all of my messages with her, and I really don’t think there’s any issue that should have been of concern to her, so if she decides not to pursue this, which I am not going to be at all surprised if that happens, it will have nothing to do with my wording, my banter, or my question. I think we are talking about semantics with my wording, and I think it’s really not that relevant. Yes I said “maybe I can reach out to you at the end of the week to confirm?” to me, anyone with a half a brain would see that as a valid question that warrants a response. You can argue it any which way you want, but a thoughtful interested person that is trying to engage someone into trying to perhaps get together should know better than to ignore something like that. That’s a red flag. The only out on that one is if she just figured it wasn’t expected to have a response, and that it was a given that I would get back to her later to confirm. That’s not how I would read it, but obviously, not everybody reads things the way I do. sorry for the long rant… I’m home by myself again and have lots of time to ruminate… 😂 also, I’m noticing that when I use voice commands on my iPad, it will not add capitals at the beginning of a paragraph… And I’m sick of going back and adding a capital to the beginning of each word of the paragraph… 😂

Thanks, Bat. I appreciate your stories. Many women on dating sites often say that it’s very important for them to have a partner that’s financially secure. To them, and clearly for you, I would be nowhere near financially secure. I lose money most months, and I don’t really care that much. Eventually, I will hit a wall, because something major will happen at my house that I need to fix, or my car will break down, and I will continue bleeding money. I’ll have to figure that out, probably by working extra jobs, or some thing like that. I try not to spend too much time thinking about it or worrying about it, but I’m sure it affects me in some subliminal way that is hard to point out. I don’t typically reveal on my dating profiles that I don’t have any money. I don’t even say what I did for my career, which was a public school teacher. I don’t tell them that my retirement income only pays for my mortgage, and I barely scrape together nickels and dimes to get by other than that. I did tell this current lady that I was a schoolteacher for 20 years, but I have no idea whether that had any effect on her desires or expectations. and thank you for your well wishes. I’m not struggling nearly as much these days as I was even six months ago. I think that’s a step in the right direction. and ironically, despite me going on and on within this forum about how depressing things are regarding my potential relationships, I will still follow this lead with this lady, and I will, hopefully, show up to meet her, if she invites me to do so, with a smile on my face and a positive attitude. I do wonder what kind of conversations will come up, and how much I will reveal to her about my life situation. My capacity to be able to talk freely in front of new lady friends has mostly earned positive results, and that’s one of the things that the previous ladies that I’ve dated have always appreciated… I’m usually willing to talk about just about anything, including relationships, reflections of things that have happened in relationships, and what I’m interested in moving forward. This time around, I’m a little hesitant to be that open and honest, because it could backfire if this lady doesn’t find that kind of revelation comforting. On the other hand, if that is the case, maybe she should probably know the trajectory of my life sooner rather than later, since if we wouldn’t be a good fit, there might not be any real reason to withhold that kind of information.

Thanks, wise… I don’t think I have a “distain“ for the kinds of women that may come from an affluent way of life. I work for them and I am around this kind of culture almost daily. I secretly admire this way of life, but it’s not a way that I am interested in, really, and it’s not a way that I will break into anytime soon. And, my diabolical experiment did prove something, without a shadow of a doubt. That my dating profile gets no hits because of how I look. It didn’t matter whether my hair was long or short, or what I described that is important to me, or what things I like to do, or the silliness of some of the things I said on there. I still got no hits. I did a different experiment about five years ago on the dating sites… I refrained from putting my pictures on there, but I still wrote to many ladies, anyway. I had very few respondents even then, but I did have a handful that said they liked my profile, but they were confused as to why I didn’t put photos on there. I said to theses ladies that if they wanted to meet me, they’d have to think of it like a blind date and come to meet me without my photo being present. There were a handful of girls that were brave enough to come out, and I met a couple of really nice ladies. Not one of them were interested in dating, though. it was still nice to meet them, and one of them I still chat with online once in a while. She’s now partnered with a tall broad shouldered fellow. I remember when we went out on our “date“… we walked through the city for quite a few hours and went out for dinner, and at the end, she was lecturing me how not having my photo on the dating site was obviously not working for me, and I said humorously to her… “Well I am out with you right now, aren’t I?” I am not sure she found the humor in that… 🙂 I did see her a second time, within the year, when my daughter and I were in her neighborhood, and I told her we were passing by, and she invited us over to her house. We had a nice time, but our status differences were becoming fairly obvious, and it was clear, or it seemed clear to me, that she just wanted to be friends. That was five years ago, and I haven’t seen her since. Who knows what might have happened if I wanted to be a little bit more assertive with her, but I just didn’t see it happening. Not to mention we lived over an hour away. Another interesting sidenote… There was another lady on there a long time ago that said she would not meet me because it was clear that I was not her type because I refused to put a photo on my dating profile. Ironically, I finally met this lady in person, because she is within my community, and I have known who she was for quite a while through her Facebook postings, and a handful of weeks ago I actually met her and worked alongside of her at the soup kitchen I volunteer at once a month. I wasn’t getting warm and fuzzy vibes from her, but she was minimally friendly. I didn’t actually tell her that it was me that she corresponded with A handful of years ago, and quite truthfully, she doesn’t really seem like a woman I would jive with well anyway, but I’m certainly not ruling it out. I expect to likely be working alongside of her again next month, if she still goes there again. I wonder what she will say if I ever tell her that I was the one that she said she would never go out with because I didn’t have my photo on a dating profile. I found that rather odd, really. That’s her choice, though. It wouldn’t be the way I would go about it. But I’d have to be in that situation to really now. as far as a few tweaks go, wording of your description describes “good grooming“ and “well kept“. Those are cultural biases, and although I understand where they’re coming from, I don’t consider myself “badly groomed“ or not well-kept. I just choose to look otherwise. I don’t see it as bad or good, but just different. Might trying to look “different“ be enough at this point to change my potential as a prospective partner? It didn’t in the past, so I have no real faith that it would in the future. I tend to think that my main portal for meeting women that might like someone like me is through my band situation. I have met a few nice girls in the past through working in music… Although none that I still know. My band situation is pretty much at a standstill. You might be saying, well, why aren’t you moving forward with that with more determination? Well, I would answer that by saying that I work to move my band forward almost daily, but kind of like online dating, there’s only so much you can do, and the rest is out of your hands. Either your band will move forward, or it will not, and sometimes all the effort and wishing in the world isn’t going to change things that are not within your control. for me, attracting women that I find interesting seems out of my control, regardless of how I conduct myself on the dating sites, regardless of how I conduct myself when I meet people in the various places that I go. It just is what it is.

Thank you for your thoughts, Lost. to me, affluent often means fairly bright, perhaps educated, and have a pretty good head on her shoulders. That doesn’t preclude wanting to live simply, maybe even off the land, in a somewhat bohemian environment. I haven’t encountered anyone like that, but actually, now that I think of it, I actually have, but they are partnered with tall broad-shouldered manly guys, often with beards. Yeah, that’s a stereotype, and not every single case, but that’s what I see most often. As mentioned earlier, yes, I did have my hair short for a while quite a few years ago, and yes I did meet my former spouse with short hair, but for the most part, it wasn’t a significant difference in the amount of responses I was getting from dating sites. I had women insulted by how I looked when I had short hair as well. Interestingly, there was a fellow with long hair on the local Facebook dating page, and he was much angrier than I am, and really taunting the ladies about not messaging him and making it clear he thought it was because how he looked. Most of the women on there said all the same things… Maybe if you looked like you took care of yourself, women seek other things but just looks, and he went on and on about how untrue that seemed to be, and it didn’t matter how nice he was, it was a matter of him not getting girls message him because of how he looked. I proven that to be the case more than one time, in a fairly diabolical but clear experiment that I conveyed within the first couple of pages of this. My lack of responses on Facebook have nothing to do with how much I banter, how nice I may seem, how long or short my profile is or how much I like to banter. The strongest correlation, and it’s by a wide margin, is the first impression somebody gets by how you look. The fact that my hair has been both long and short on different eras of dating profiles pretty much proves that it doesn’t matter how long my hair is. I still wasn’t getting responses. At. All.

Thank you, Gamon. Sometimes understanding is all we can hope for when we write on here like this. Maybe that’s why I write so much, and sometimes trying to defend myself, because it’s possible that just having someone say “I understand what you’re going through“ could be enough to soothe the nerves a little bit. Thank you. No, I have never had any kind of reasonable responses to online dating, no matter how nice my letters were, how brief, how detached, how much banter. Those things really haven’t mattered. It doesn’t matter what I do or say on online dating sites. I get zero responses. Ever. As someone has said recently, of course, I could get my hair cut, and try to “present“ myself better. They say I have a choice, and if I am choosing to look the part of a heretic, I should expect getting no responses. That feels like a really unfair evaluation, but it’s probably true. They say I have a choice, and if I am choosing to look the part of a heretic, I should expect getting no responses. That feels like a really unfair evaluation, but it’s probably true. I met my former spouse when I had short hair, and the girl I dated years ago, and neither one of them liked when I grew my hair long. So in some sense, it would be a bit of bait and switch, and a bit disingenuous on my part to change what I know I will look like for a good chunk of the rest of my life just the land some dates, only to likely grow my hair out longer later. But, I dunno. Being single isn’t the worst thing in the world, but as somebody said… Is it really worth feeling cast out of over it?

Yeah, thanks, wise. There will be a little bit of sweat, but that’s pretty much what I am intending to do. A little bit against my better judgment for all the reasons I have stated 1 million times before.

Fair points, but I’d be curious to hear how you think I twist words. should I go back and quote almost exactly what I have conveyed here? I wouldn’t expect you to read every post that has been left here, but I don’t think I have mis quoted anyone. yeah, you are right. I do feel like I portray myself as a victim. Because I’ve done many of the same things that you have. I have fought for what I have, and paid the prices. Many the same prices that you have. My mother often says, “you were born under a dark cloud“. She sees it. I feel it. I live it. You may not. And that’s good for you, but I don’t think you can possibly put yourself in the shoes of another until you were actually wearing those shoes. Just sayin. And out of earnest curiosity, what is it that makes you feel that I am getting in my own way? I think I’ve done almost everything well with this particular dating potential, other than strategizing and giving my first message or two a day to percolate. I don’t consider those blunders. Many people take a day or two to respond. That’s just the way dating sites seem to roll. If it’s because of my wording, then in someways, you would be analyzing this in the exact way that I have been… Looking carefully at what I say and how I say it.

There have been numerous people in the last few days that have said exactly that. They mentioned having many girls on the line at the same time, diminishing the need to ruminate about any particular one. Multiple people have said just that, and even you were talking about the many men that you had seen over a number of years. That hasn’t been my case. At. All.

I can’t possibly understand how you would say that I don’t want to meet people in person. Because I enjoy banter? I do that whether I know the person in real life or not. My friend Larry banters with me constantly, and I think it’s great. He is funny and engaging with his banter, whether it’s in real life or by text. I think banter is it a style of interacting. It’s not the only way I want to interact. I wouldn’t be putting all this energy into thinking about it if I didn’t want to meet this girl. Really?

I think you make a valid point, lost. I do wonder if I’m ignoring average women. I don’t think that’s it. I have a bit of a visual as to what I think would be a great fit for me, and it’s not like it would be a supermodel. It would be somebody like me, truthfully. I’m just not getting responses or meeting anybody even close to that. Well, that’s untrue… When I was involved in the musical last month, I met a whole bunch of ladies that I thought were kind of like me… But. Day. Where. All. Married. Or, if they weren’t, they had tall broad shouldered boyfriends, many of them weren’t even that attractive. Just tall earned a lot more money than I do. Probably way better connected than I am. I don’t know how much more control over this situation I could have. I’ve been on dating sites for years. I’ve been playing out with my band for about the last five years. Bars don’t seem to cut it. I go to cafés all the time and try to chat with people. When I encounter people at supermarkets, they don’t seem interested in talking. I do believe that where I live is part of it, but I won’t be moving anytime soon. My kid is here. I feel kind of stuck. Not kind of.

I think some of you believe that dating should be much more straightforward than it is, and for some of you, you may be right. But it’s not for me. My number in this numbers game is one. This is the one girl that has responded to my profile, at least that I find interesting, For years. Years. The only comparison that comes to mind would be if one more house shopping. They want to move, because they’ve been living where they are not happy for years. But there are no houses on the market. None. suddenly, out of nowhere, a broker calls and says that there’s a single house on the market, and it seems just like what you’ve been asking for. you don’t think you would be constantly wondering why your offer doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, or the broker doesn’t get back to you when you ask a question? Is it OK for the broker to not get back to you because there are many other people looking for that same house, and the owners might be talking to a lot of different perspectives? for the owner and the broker, there are lots of “numbers“ as you call them. For this particular homeowner, it is their one and only opportunity to try to procure this house, in this context. Of course this homeowner is going to be wondering, dreaming, planning… “Maybe this is exactly the house that would get me out of this house and moving forward in my life… If only…”. some of you make the good point that I probably shouldn’t even be on dating sites, and that may be true. I do my best to interact in other ways… But where I live people just don’t approach others at places like supermarkets, or malls, and just ask someone out or start chatting. It seems like it’s considered weird and inappropriate here. Maybe not so much in other parts of the world, but still, I try to be sociable and chat up ladies whenever I can. my band isn’t busy. Nobody is hiring for music right now because they are booked for the year. There are no other hobbies I’m particularly interested in, or venues in which I can go to meet people that feel useful to me… But then again, that’s a choice. Not to mention, I have one weeknight available to be able to go out, and half the time I am exhausted on that night… And every other weekend when I don’t have my kid. That’s it. It’s not like I have every night of the week I could go out somewhere, or every day. There are limitations. so I think it’s a bit presumptuous of many of you to say… “Oh, it’s just a Numbers game, and I had tons of opportunities that I was pursuing and I didn’t ruminate about it like you do“.

Bat, there has been nothing unclear about my correspondences with this lady. I have been quite clear from the beginning that I was interested in getting to know her and to get together on the Sunday after we both get back. people on here thought it would be too pushy to make the statement, “I’ll contact you late next week to confirm“. So I asked the question. Deliberately. There has been no answer to this question. I am not sure how my approach to this is wishy-washy, or how it would turn off anyone that was actually interested in pursuing this. To me, that still seems like a red flag. Of course I am pursuing her. That’s what people do on dating sites. It’s splitting hairs to think otherwise. It’s almost no different if you approached someone on a street that you thought was attractive from a distance. One of my band mates says that one of his friends goes to clubs and just goes from girl to girl the girl basically asking them out. That’s a Numbers game as well. But he is pursuing them. I think we are talking semantics here, and I don’t see how what you see as being ambiguous would be a “turn off“ in that context. So, are you saying that if a girl read my message that involved a question as to whether I should check in with her at the end of the week, itnwould be a turn off? I think that would be a dealbreaker for me, if that were indeed the case.

Because she didn’t finish up the conversation? Typically, when you ask a question, you kind of expect the person to reply. As the fellow before said, do i really want to be pursuing someone that doesn’t seem that interested in being pursued?

I do know that she is very busy. So I kind of get that part of it. if she’s truly interested in finding a partner, as her profile says she is, one would think she would prioritize making the people she is corresponding with feel like she is interested. So, yes, I think there should be a priority there. I’m not really feeling it. My specific question was… Was the language that I used in my last message such that one would not really see it as a question, or feel the need to respond? Additionally, the question comes up as to what the next step for me should be. Do I wait until late next week and check in, like I suggested and asked, but wasn’t answered, or do I presume that it’s up to her to get back to me, since she didn’t answer the question?

Thanks for your reply. I think. first of all, you are overlooking some obvious details… You say you were messaging quite a few girls at the same time. That’s a very different scenario. I haven’t, and I am not. Never have. This is the first girl that I have messaged back-and-forth with in probably over a year. Probably considerably longer. I haven’t had a connection or a date from an online dating site in probably three years. That makes our mindsets vastly different. I am constantly messaging girls and getting zero replies. Gee, I wonder why that is. I have plenty of hobbies and plenty of things to do and going on. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to think about this once in a while, or try to understand what might be happening. And the presumption that I’m spending all day ruminating about this and not doing anything else it’s a presumption and it’s false. Your final statement validates exactly what I’m talking about. Am I actually putting all this thought into somebody who is not all that interested in moving forward anyway? That’s exactly why I’m even writing on here. You hit the nail on the head. Little did you know that you are actually validating exactly why I feel like I do.

So… I was out and on the road all day, and I didn’t have much time to think about it this situation. All good. Now, late tonight, I thought I would check out the dating site to see if she had been on there, because evening seems to be the only time she’s on… Turns out, she hasn’t been on all day, nor answered my last question from yesterday… Tomorrow, she’s off on vacation for the week, so she is likely busy… But… It’s still kind of makes me scratch my head that she wouldn’t have answered my question. Here’s exactly what I asked: “Maybe I can check in later next week to confirm?” That’s a question. Questions usually expect an answer. is it reasonable for me to feel a bit irked that she hasn’t answered the question? Does the expectation of an answer seem vague by the way I asked the question? Some of you might say that the wording is wishy-washy? I would certainly never ignore a question like this and not respond, one way or the other. Once again, I kind of feel like a number in her pursuit of a partner. What would you do next if this were you in this situation?

thanks for the thought, wise. I have thought about that… But as a 61-year-old male with a 15-year-old daughter… There’s a lot to unpack there… 😂. I probably couldn’t get a man to live there, because of my 15 year old daughter… And I probably would have a hard time with a woman living there… For the obvious reasons… 😂. I do enjoy the quiet time and the space… And I lived with other people from almost 30 years before acquiring this house. So, I’m not foreign to that idea.

Also, half of the ladies that I meet in my business are affluent, and they are lovely. It’s my guess that they may secretly admire the kind of lifestyle that they believe I live. But they are caught up in our cultural world, which values income and a nice house, and nicely paved streets. I don’t think they want to buy into it, but that’s where the cultural pathways seem to lead for many modern women and men. Nice house in the affluent suburb with a white picket fence, three kids and a tall handsome husband that works too much and gets cranky. It’s a strong pull.

At this point in my life, I do prefer a bohemian lifestyle. nothing would make me happier than to meet a nice lady who would try to live off the land, work together to fix up my old dilapidated 250 year old farmhouse, and enjoy my beautiful natural property the way I do. I think it’s going to take somebody that’s been around the block a little bit to really want to do that, but that’s pure speculation. The girl I dated two years ago loved this place and would’ve moved in within a heartbeat, but she was unstable, and she knew I wasn’t eager to invite her in until things were more stable (particularly because I have a 13-year-old daughter), and that was a source of huge anxiety for her. I think it pretty much led to the end of us dating. I think she saw the writing on the wall. you guys seem to be putting a lot more energy into the banter thing than I am. I enjoy bantering. I may minimize it, but I don’t think I’m going to be stopping anytime soon. If it turns somebody off, I truly think those are likely not the ladies for me. I guess we have to draw a line somewhere.

Thank you for your story, blue. I enjoyed it. I get your points. But I should make clear… What I write on here, and what I actually do, or how I actually handle myself or not necessarily congruent. I intend on continuing forward with this girl. I’ll take the steps necessary. I’ll see where it goes. I don’t have high hopes, for all the reasons mentioned. For now, that’s OK, because you never know what the future holds. Unfortunately, I just don’t have the opportunities to be as spontaneous as you were describing in your experiences. I just don’t have the dialogue with nearly anyone. This lady has been in it for the longest while. That ups my anxiety fairly significantly, since I ain’t getting any younger. I’ll be eligible for full Social Security soon. 🙂 And also understand, I’m not sitting on my hands staring at my computer screen all day waiting for her to respond. I do spend more time than I probably should thinking checking to see if she has read my messages, probably because I am Sammy employed and on vacation, and I have a fair amount more time to do those things. That doesn’t mean I’m sitting around for the rest of the time. I’m at least moderately active, within my meansand also understand, I’m not sitting on my hands staring at my computer screen all day waiting for her to respond. I do spend more time than I probably should thinking about it, and checking to see if she has read my messages, probably because I am Sammy employed and on vacation, and I have a fair amount more time to do those things. That doesn’t mean I’m sitting around for the rest of the time. I am at least moderately active, within my means. if I had a ton of prospects, and a ton of girls writing to me on dating sites, and lots going on in my life outside of my own little circle, I would have no problem being less anxious, or more spontaneous with when I contact someone and how I ask them out. That has never been the case, thus, I find myself ringing every sponge out of every last drop that I can get out of it. So I think about strategy. I think about what I may be doing right or wrong, and I try to maximize my potential. I talked things through on here, and I read psychology articles, and dating articles, which is where I get some of this stuff. Some of them are reliable resources.

I didn’t say I didn’t wanted to date her. I’m just saying that I think there are red flags, and my gut is usually pretty good about those matters.

Perhaps, but I get a very strong feeling this girl is not caring how long I take to get back to her, or maybe even if I DO get back to her. To me, that’s a red flag.

Often times, I ask myself why I spend money I don't have on dating sites. I actually just rejoined this site last week, which may be why I didn't see her intitial "like". I took time off those sites because I was getting nowhere. I wasn't getting any responses, so there was no chance to banter. No other reasonable likes or introductions in my inbox. I wrote a zillion "hello"s in the past few years. Zero. I also didn't say I wasn't going to continue the pathway of meeting this girl. I'm just not holding up a lot of hope. And, I felt a bit of hope when I heard from her last. But we were finishing up the conversation. A quick response from her for this one was appropriate. I guess there's a chance she didn't interpret my question as needing a necessary response? I guess some might believe it's obvious we will touch base next week to confirm? I'm not buying that, though. Most of these scenarios indicate a lack of real interest. That's been almost 100% of my experiences.

Good points. However, I typically don't spend tons of time bantering on dating sites. This lady and I have exchanged roughly 4x messages. I'm good with that, and I'm usually pretty quick to try to move things forward. Sometimes, arguably, too quickly. I think moving things forward and bantering are two different elements. I banter because I enjoy it, and I think it reflects the playfulness of the respondent and the writer. It's not much more complicated than that. So, this lady is busy... This lady has already agreed to potentially getting together, but not yet ready to nail it down. Ok, I can be good with that. But then not responding to a relevant question regarding said meeting certain shows some red flags: A) She's very busy B) her attraction is not high C) dating, or my candidacy, is not a high priority for her. D) which may be relevant to C, she sees that the social class difference could be hugely problematic. Those are reasonable red flags. You may ask, why would a classs difference be problematic? I'll give you something that I noticed from either her first or second message: She told me she had a nice weekend... She went to dinner at an ethnic restaurant that she had never been to, then went to the local concert hall and saw a string quartet. For all I know she was on a date. Sounds like a good date night. I digress... I think about going out with her. I can't afford that kind of night out very often. Do I really think a girl of fairly high means will be ok going out for hikes each time, rather than cultural events that cost more than I can handle? That's problematic.