Whirling D

I am not at all saying that a woman, at least to me, has higher value with a lot of guys chasing her. I’m just saying she is considerably less available to someone like me. I just don’t see Women who I think are more like me in my environment. Actually, I do, and they are with tall broad shouldered guys making a lot of money, living in nice houses with a large boat in the backyard, and two or three kids to support. But then again, they must not be a lot like me, because they probably wouldn’t be all that interested in that kind of lifestyle, but it seems that maybe they are. I couldn’t tell you. But, yes, I would rather not date at all then to date someone that I don’t feel that interested in, or that I am not that attracted to. I have to own that. I know that somewhere out there there must be someone that thinks like I do, and that I could date. I’m just not finding them. Maybe I’m blind, who knows.

I guess in my definition, a high value woman is one that has enough good things going on that she has many many men chasing after her, and has plenty of choices… And as I mentioned quite a bit earlier, as Dr. Ruth would say… A high value woman doesn’t need to settle for someone with no money and is not overly attractive by western standards. Ironically, I’ve had many girls say that they think I am attractive and they don’t understand why I don’t have many more women interested… Although my mother likely wears rose-colored glasses, she says the same thing… 🙂 When I look in the mirror, I see a pleasant face, that conveys easy and approachable energy. Sadly, I just don’t think it’s this kind of face that most women find attractive in a partner. it shouldn’t be surprising for me to say that I read a lot of psychology studies, and particularly regarding attraction… And I always fall in the lower categories of what women find attractive in these studies. For example, women are attracted to masculine characteristics… Like a square jawline, and broad cheekbones. They are almost always attracted to taller men, and broad shoulders. These findings are almost universal. Obviously, there will be some women that prefer different characteristics, but they are a very small portion, and they would also have many choices in front of them. The scientific take away from these studies is that women choose these kind of characteristics either from cultural beliefs, or a biological conditioning to look for men who would be strong physical and economic providers for potential families. Now, I’m too old to fall under those categories, but from a cultural standpoint, if women are conditioned to think that tall broad shouldered man with a lot of money are the bees knees, that’s not likely to change as they grow older. I do have a vision for the kind of lady that I would like, and it’s not Cindy Crawford or Elle Macpherson. It’s not like I have my bar set way too high, but clearly, it must be set higher than I am able to reach, since I can’t even come close to reaching my own goals. I appreciate cat feeders encouragement and positive attitude, but those things won’t change what is… There are just too many high value women, and way too many higher value men chasing after them. It’s really a Numbers game. It’s a game I don’t seem to be able to possibly compete with. As for asking married women who they may know who are single… I don’t really feel that it’s appropriate to do that unless I know these married women well, which I don’t. I see them in a business context, so it would probably seem really weird if suddenly, after talking about business, I say to them, “oh, by the way… Do you know any single women you can set me up with?“ It seems weird and opportunistic. I like the business card idea, and I almost thought of doing something like that years ago. I thought about going out and getting a business card made that said something like… “You seem really nice and attractive, and I’d like to chat with you to get to know you… Here’s my Facebook page and my email address should you be interested in knowing who I am“ or something like that. I could hand them out rather randomly to people that I saw that maybe I had a little bit of contact with, or perhaps even strangers. In theory, that seems like a brave idea, but in practicality, it seems desperate and coercive. Clearly, I haven’t done that. As far as meeting people when my band plays, we are still playing smaller places that are typically filled with heavy drinkers, and that’s not typically at all my scene. It was highly unusual for those two women to come into that place that we played at a few weeks ago, and I was fairly proactive to go up to them and actually ask her for her number, a lot of good it did. It was probably one of if not the first time I have encountered somebody when I play out that I thought I could really like. So much for that. Hopefully, if this band starts playing more reputable places, I may start seeing more girls that might be available. Typically, when I go out to these places, the girls are there with their all American boyfriends. Not much for me to see there. So, I’m not really feeling a lot of hope that there are avenues for me to pursue, unless I go somewhere and start waving a flag, or I am constantly going places I wouldn’t normally go, just to meet women… And I don’t really see myself doing that. I already try to put myself in situations where I would meet women, and it’s just failing. Maybe you would call this a self-fulfilling prophecy, and I call it 40 years of experiencing the same kind of thing over and over. So it’s getting to a point that I almost wonder if it’s even worth the effort. Yet I still try.

Well, all of these ideas are good ones… thank you… But not necessarily ones I haven’t tried before. I was helping with my daughter’s theater group prior to Covid, in fact I even ran a theater group a handful of years ago at my school, and I would work with, and even oversee, plenty of women, but they were all married, or partnered, and almost always with taller and more financially able men than I would ever be. Right up until Covid, I was helping serve a free community dinner once a month in my town, but there weren’t a lot of single women, if any that I found. There’s also the fact that I am non-religious, and many of the ladies that I encountered are way more religious, even considering the last two women that I dated were much more religious. It’s not a dealbreaker for me, as it wasn’t for them, but it does create a little bit of a chasm that may at some point add complications. Here’s another story that I was telling my daughter today, when we were talking about relationships… She’s 14, so I thought it might benefit to hear that she’s not the only one that struggles with people treating her meanly. About 20 years ago, in the early days of online dating, when nobody had pictures… I began chatting with a lady about my age that lived a bunch of towns over. We bantered for about a week back-and-forth (this is kind of before I knew better…) and she began to get quite enchanted… She was saying things like, “we sound like we’re almost made for each other… I can’t wait to meet you… I think we’re going to have so much in common and I expect to know you for such a long time“. Even back then, I sensed that this wasn’t what it probably looked like… she seemed way too eager… But I put 1 foot in front of the other, and I arranged a date at a restaurant that I knew… The time came for us to meet at the restaurant, and I got there before she did… I watched this lady come in to the restaurant, and look at my direction, and from the nanosecond she laid eyes on me, I could tell that her heart sank, and I could even sense that a feeling of anger came over her quite strongly. I took her to our table, and we sat down, and I could tell from the second I looked in her face that it was not going to be a good thing. I sat across from her for about half an hour, and tried my best to keep a conversation going, to be light and easy and funny, and be attentive… But this woman wanted no part of it. She barely spoke, had nothing but a pissed off look on her face the entire time, and when the dinner finished, I paid for the check, and she literally pretty much just stood up and walked away without even acknowledging the effort I put in. It kind of makes me sick to my stomach to even think of that night. I even wrote her a note later that night thanking her for getting together and hoping that she had a nice night. Didn’t ever hear a word from her again. Still think I am imagining these things in my head? I have multiple more of these kinds of stories. So if you think I’m exaggerating when I am saying that I don’t easily attract women, particularly high-value women, maybe you’ll stop and think that maybe I could be telling you the truth with the stories. Just saying.

I am doing what I can to make my own opportunities. I stood at the line of the café of the local supermarket and chatted up three different ladies but I didn’t even know. Only one of them seemed interesting, though, and she didn’t seem interested enough to go beyond a quick banter. I don’t really spend a ton of time writing long bantering texts to girls I don’t really know, like Batya has been saying. For example, with the girl I was supposed to go out with a week and a half ago from the dating site, who I probably should have clarified with prior to date night, and it got messed up, I think I only went back-and-forth with her twice before I asked her for a meet and greet. She was pretty responsive to that assertiveness. I kind of wish that I was a bit more assertive clarifying about our date, but I figured it was clear when she said she would text me the next day where we would meet. And then she didn’t, which seems low interest. I don’t want to blow that off, but I haven’t gotten back to her after that, because she said “why don’t we just wait until after Thanksgiving“ that was 10 days ago. I didn’t have a lot of interest in waiting around for her. I’m not sure we had a ton in common. I should probably revisit that one, lol. I should probably revisit that one, though. interestingly, a lady was standing at the café with an English accent, and I began to talk to her a little bit about where she was from… She said that her and her husband, who is a Yank, have been living near where I am in the northeast United States for a little while, and she said she hates it here. She said she feels that people are really unfriendly, and that if you just start talking to them randomly while standing in a line, people will treat you as if you are a weirdo. She said she has been incredibly lonely and can’t wait to go back to England . So, that’s exactly the experience that I have… Which makes me think I’m not imagining this stuff… 🙂 My parents moved here from Canada and lived here for four years, and I stayed here after they moved back to Canada… To this day, my mother says that where I live is the most unfriendly of the many places we lived all over North America while I was growing up. Just saying. that’s why I often somewhat think that I am caught between cultures here… I have very much a non-American personality within a very American culture. It’s just a different way of spinning in the world, I think. I have learned to navigate to some degree, but still feel like a huge outsider, and I don’t think it’s because of my inability to connect with people. If I can be so bold, I think it’s because of many other people here having a difficulty connecting with other people.

That’s 100% exactly what I am thinking and I’m going to try to do. Thanks for clarifying this and putting it into words. That being said, from everything I know about this girl, I have this feeling that she could be almost exactly what I would like, and do well with… But how do I know, I’ve never even met her. but she’s moving. And she’s high value. She’s probably in no place and no hurry to be taking on another responsibility like a potential date. I will be patient, but I’m not sitting around. I just sent out another nice note on a dating site. annoyingly, a bunch of the dating sites have gotten really stupid over the last little while… And they won’t notify someone that you write to that you have actually written, unless they like your profile before they even know you have written. If they like your profile, then they will be shown that you have written to them. I suppose I get it… That likely prevents women from being inundated with a full inbox from people they have no interest in. It’s annoying for us guys, though, because the likelihood of women liking my profile is very small, considering all of the guys that are on there, which outnumber women about 10 to 1, if I remember correctly.

Yeah, my gut told me that would be a nice thing to offer… But then I think of a lot of the things that I have read, about not coming on too quickly, or pushy… And to let things happen organically… I think that’s what I was going for. And still, I’m not going to text her anytime soon. It’s in her court. Maybe in a couple weeks if I don’t hear from her, but if I haven’t heard her in two weeks or so, I probably never will, at which point I have to wonder if it makes any sense to try to encourage something that just isn’t likely of interest to her. It’s disheartening, because this girl seems like someone I would like a lot… even likely way more than the gig girl… And those opportunities haven’t come along since I can remember. Hence, that’s why I’m on here bemoaning it. 😩😤

This seems a bit cynical, wise… I can’t read into what somebody else will think when they read some thing that I write, but if someone wrote a message like that to me… I would think that they were simply being conversational. I attempted to ask her questions and show interest in what she is experiencing… Like, where is she moving? And tell her that I know it must be a big deal to be moving. Gloating about not having to move for 17 years? Just conversation. Relating. I did think about asking her if she needed any help, but thought that was presumptuous and may be a bit opportunistic/overly eager, so I left it out. I have second guessed that a bunch of times since I wrote to her. I wonder. I didn’t feel at all that I was coming across as unrelatable, but then again, I have no idea what someone would read into it. If you did, who knows whether she did. I certainly wouldn’t, if someone wrote that to me. as far as wanting someone to come in and take care of my overgrown property and help with basic bills… I haven’t asked anyone for anything pretty much my entire adult life. If anything, I think I come across as being someone who is stubborn and perhaps overly independent, which may have its own set of issues… For example, my mother, who will be 90 this coming year, insisted four years ago she was going to buy me a new car. She said that she didn’t want her grandchild riding around in the older car that I had at the time, which had 220,000 miles on it, which by my standards, should’ve still had another couple of years left on it. Plus, I’ve been driving older clunkers for years, and have gotten good at managing living with a car that can have problems at a moments notice. It’s not always fun, but I get by. so, I repeatedly told my mother thank you, but I am doing just fine with my car and I don’t need a brand new car. I told her to save her money and use it for things she may need in the future. I said it over and over, and she continuously nagged to me about it and told me I had no choice and she was going to buy it for me if I didn’t pick one out myself. Her beautiful theory, was that I was going to get that money anyway, so I might as well do what she is saying… 🙂 For several months, I dragged my feet, until I got a text from my older brother, who said in a rather terse way, “You’re coming across as extremely ungrateful. Just say thank you for your thoughtfulness and go buy the car“. As independent as I try to often be, I can’t resist that kind of pressure from family, and I caved pretty quickly under pressure from others. Deep down inside I knew I wanted to take my mother up on it, so eventually I did. That car that sits in my driveway is a constant reminder of her generosity, and I am out there cleaning and polishing it every time the local temperature gets up over about 70°. It’s the only new car I have ever owned in my entire life. A year and a half ago, in a moment of carelessness, I backed the car into a large object, and put a fairly sizable dent in the back hatch. It was appraised at $3000 worth of damage, and I couldn’t afford to either fix it or take on the insurance hit, so that dent remains in the back and breaks my heart every time I see it. Other than that, that car barely has a mark on it, at least that I did… It has a couple of door dings in it from other stupid people, despite the fact that I constantly take heat from others that I park that thing way down at the end of the parking lot and every place I go just to prevent that kind of thing from happening. Still, other than the big dent, and the two small door dings, the thing looks brand new. That is my way of honoring my mother and her generosity. So, there’s a relatable story for you.

Interestingly, as I mentioned, I go into customers houses all week long, and I encounter middle-aged women that have all kinds of money, and they don’t really seem any happier… Several I could probably be convinced have little crushes on me… Perhaps because they can sense that I value something other than working and making money. But they would probably never date someone like me, because I couldn’t give them the kind of stability they seek. Stability seems to be a huge draw, although almost no women that I encounter would have any way of knowing whether I’m financially stable or not. I don’t judge or disrespect my lady customers who are well off, really. I am envious of them. They have good families, and friends, and active lives… But they are stressed, and work all the time, just like I was until five years ago. I think secretly, they probably envy that I am out and about quite a bit during the day and I am not enslaved in the ways that they are. Of course, we are all enslaved in our own ways. I am enslaved by financial instability, so what I do has to be within those confines. But, what is more important to me is that I have the time and the mental space to find peace and meaning. Clearly, it doesn’t always work… 🙂 also, I don’t seek to find somebody financially stable. It certainly doesn’t hurt, but I usually don’t give a rats rear end about somebody’s financial situation. I kind of look for things like… What do they do that gives them meaning, and what do they do that may have an impact on others. I find that hugely endearing. I have also encountered another trend in my dating life over the last 30 years… The last three women I have dated seemed to feel that they want to be the Alpha, and part of that comes with offering money and stability. All three of them literally went out of their way to convince me that they could bring financial stability to my life, and I think that was a bit of a tool for them to try to gain the stability they were searching for. when it was clear that they would never be the kind of alpha they may have been accustomed to previously, that took a lot of air out of their sails. That’s a bit of a hypothesis, though.

I do mention that I value living a simple life with purpose, yada yada yada… So whoever reads should at least get somewhat of a glimpse that they are not going to be writing to someone that values things, per se. One of the things that I am most proud of is that I do own my own house on a beautiful property out in the woods. It’s the only meaningful item that I have ever really owned… Outside of my musical equipment, and my plants and animals. I would like nothing more than to find somebody who would enjoy living here and helping maintain the property. It’s got so much room for gardening, and I just can’t get to it. It’s just too much. The girl I dated up until over a year ago loved this place and would’ve moved here in a heartbeat. We had that in common. It was sad to see that dream die, truthfully.

Actually I think I do, but many people on here seem to think that I am confusing things. It’s my face, height, slim profile, lack of masculine feature… not as much my hair. These have been proven with multiple experiments. So, by what you’re inferring, I should cut my hair and get a better job. I’ve actually proven multiple times these don’t work. Thanks for your insight. Not.

In all fairness Bolt, I didn’t choose for heating oil costs to double this year, as compared to last year, when I had less difficulty affording it. Mostly, I’m angry at that. And how relatively poor people are having such a hard time making simple ends meet. Sadly, likely way too many families are affected by oil company greed, which is happening across the earth, and then people blame the National government for policy inadequacies. Really? But I won’t go there. The girl I dated up until a little more than a year ago, who I wrote about equally intensely on here back then, always offered to contribute to the household, because she had value in the life I was trying to live, and understood it… I thought that was hugely thoughtful and meaningful. I never took her up on that offer, though. I made ends meet. Boy did I love that girl. She was hugely unstable, though. Broke my heart and soul. But I digress. To answer your question… I guess I AM willing to sacrifice that, and in some small way, I think the lifestyle I live is meant to sacrifice attracting people who aren’t willing to take someone and be OK with the choices that they make that they feel are right for them. Kind of reminds me a story I probably told in the first couple of pages, about a good friend’s wife who couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t get my hair cut and find a better job before I went on dating sites… Because, according to her, who would want some shaggy looking guy who doesn’t earn a decent income? That’s exactly what I don’t want in my life, and that’s exactly what I’ve had to jostle since I can remember. Judgment and ridicule. Perhaps, subconsciously, those are the exact kind of judgments that I have no interest in and perhaps my lifestyle will help collate. So, even with this new girl that I might like… Some of the things she mentioned on her dating profile seem to jive with my values, and she obviously liked what I said on mine… Once again, I actually have reached outside the box, and although it’s still too early to tell what the outcome will be, I can’t be surprised with what is likely to happen… Because it’s happened over and over and over, almost without variation.

That is a value choice. I’m not complaining I’m poor, I’m complaining that people in my circle complain that I am poor. Or they make judgments on that. I don’t particularly care that I have no money. It’s annoying. But it’s not as annoying as getting up at a pathetic hour, barely seeing the light of day, and then being exhausted all night, which is exactly how I felt working a “normal“ job. I don’t want to live the rest of my days/weeks/months/years living like that.

Another update… Well… 48 hours since I answered her last text, which included questions… As to where she is moving? no response. I get it… Her interest may be low. She may be busy with moving. You guys may be right, and that I shouldn’t be putting a lot of thought into this, but I do. she was on Facebook today and wished her son a happy birthday, and then forwarded an art related meme to her page. But she didn’t have time to respond to my last message? if I had to predict, I don’t think it’s that this girl is not interested in eventually meeting. I just don’t know if it’s high on her priority list. Could be due to lack of attraction, could be due to where she is in her own life. It’s almost pointless to speculate, yet I still do. But, anyone who responds to my first personal text to her asking her to chat or to meet with “love to”, is either unusually kind, which is possible, or is truly actually interested in getting to know me, but just isn’t in the right space or time. But then again, who knows. If I had other irons in the fire, I’d be certainly stoking them.

Thank you, bolt… I guess… There are negative judgments and positive ones… Most of the characteristics I see with this lady are positive assets… Not negative ones. So, perhaps I am judging her, but in many ways they are complements… She is a class act. I kind of dismiss class, more just in the way I live my life, but not by being a snob. Most of the customers that I have are quite wealthy, and I go into their houses every week and I really enjoy what they’ve built for themselves… I don’t walk in with a chip on my shoulder, or think negatively of them because they have much nicer houses than me and boats in the backyard. clearly, I would enjoy those things, but the things that are important to me at this point in my life are not those things. I value things that are similar to the people where I grew up, almost in the outback… Where things are simpler, and people and interactions outweigh objects. I enjoy objects, like my wealthy customers do, I just can’t afford them, and I don’t put my time toward trying to acquire those things. I’d rather have a bunch of guitars and time to play them than a large house or boats. In the past, what you say is exactly true. I have avoided higher-level women because of a fear of being hurt. I have a good reason to feel that way, since it has happened countless times, and I have story after story of reaching out beyond my comfort zone to be virtually humiliated for doing so. So, my hesitation doesn’t come out of the blue. It comes from a history of that kind of hurt and humiliation. for me to even engage with this lady as much as I have, or to ask the girl at my gig out, were huge leaps… Where has that left me? Sitting home alone in a cold house in which I can’t afford the oil this year to heat it properly. I’m sure this latest lady will certainly appreciate that… NOT. For that I am a little bitter. I did a lot of things to move forward in my life, and at my age, I still can’t afford to keep my house properly heated. I hold onto anger in many areas. Yeah, I could get a better job, and be able to afford oil, but at what cost? My sanity, as I have learned in the past.

Batya… I really appreciate the time you’ve taken to engage… I enjoy your stories, and find value in your experiences. I really do. you and I are not similar in many ways, as I read your stories… You’ve had 100 opportunities on dates to meet people. That’s about 95 more than I have ever had. That makes the two situations hugely dissimilar. Plus, this lady that I am interested in is older. I tend to think that her somewhat aloof demeanor, and it’s not entirely aloof, but very casual, is likely due to the fact that she’s 67 years old, and she’s been there and done that with men, and there’s a strong likelihood that she could probably take or leave getting to know new men that may be interested in having a relationship with her. That’s probably hugely common. before the last month or two, I was starting to get used to that same kind of notion… That maybe I was better off single, because I typically go through all kinds of emotional turmoil when I do start to get close to someone. Either I do or they do, that’s for sure. as for working on myself… That’s pretty much mostly what I’ve done throughout the majority of my adult life… I followed artistic pursuits in my 20s, spent my entire 30s as a full-time college student and grad student, then found an admirable career that led me down a 20 year path… Which went down in flames five years ago at the hands of a terrible relationship I had with an employer. What a surprise. I have asked for help from almost literally no one in my entire adult life, have been part of the therapeutic process either directly or through research for most of the last 30 years, so I’m certainly not a stranger to self improvement. ironically, despite a lot of the self deprecating things that I say, which you accurately point out, I feel like I’m a really sweet decent guy… I’m generally pleasant to be around, I have a lot of interesting things that that I do and can-do… But they’re just not the kinds of things that the average woman in my area finds value in. They’re just not. it’s hard to be motivated and feel wanted and desired when the outcome is almost always the same. I look at the presentation that this new lady puts forth into the world… How she dresses, what she wrote in her profile, the way she carries herself… I have never ever attracted women like that. Ever. How can I delude myself into thinking that I could be different this time around? I shouldn’t, but I still have this glimmer of hope that maybe this time it will be different, and maybe some high value woman like her may actually value the kinds of skill sets and offerings that I do. Who knows, wonders may never cease.

Yeah, sadly, I think I’m gonna stop thinking about this girl, at least for awhile. I have a subscription to match.com, and have my profile on about four other ones that I’m not paying for… Historically, it hasn’t really mattered which dating site I am on. I get virtually, not virtually actually, no responses from any girls that I actually like, but do get an occasional like From girls I would never really date. I feel so superficial and judgmental when someone likes my profile and I think… No way. But I’ve tried to change my expectations and try to be with people that I don’t initially find attractive or interesting, and it just seems to always backfire. I feel it’s kind of one of my shortcomings. my childhood friend, who lives in a different country, texted me yesterday and said he thinks I have too many conditions and should loosen up a little bit. He’s probably right, but I think if a girl was even close, I’d probably at least see where it goes and date for a while. I usually don’t even get that far. as far as this girl goes, I think she’s just at a stage in her life where she thinks it would be nice to have someone, but if not, she’s perfectly happy as she is… That’s the perfect place to be for anyone, that’s just not the place I’m in, obviously. I was watching a video the other day of this fairly slick life coach, and she was saying that it’s ridiculous when people say that you should be able to just love yourself and not feel incomplete if you are not partnered. I wish I could feel that way, and I’d probably be better off that way, but I spent a good chunk of my adult life feeling like an outcast, and that kind of propels this interest to be partnered, for better or for worse, even though almost every time in my life I have been partnered it turns out to be a disaster, a lot of times because I end up feeling often avoidant and neurotic as hell. You can probably tell that just by what I write. I feel like I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t. I still will wouldn’t rule this latest girl out, but I’m gonna spend a few days putting it on the back burner, kind of like I’ve done with the last dating site girl after we got our signals crossed. I probably shouldn’t have ghosted her, since it was marginally understandable how we got our signals crossed, but even when I finally did text her through the dating site at about 6 PM, when we were supposed to get together at 7:30, she didn’t even look at the message until the next day around mid day, so she clearly wasn’t paying a huge amount of attention to whether or not I was trying to get in touch with her. That just tells me that she’s not really that eager to prioritize meeting someone. The question then becomes, can someone who is eager be easily partnered with someone who is not? I think I’m the kind of person who needs quite a bit of validation, which is not really what relationships should be all about, and is likely destructive on my part. I’ve gotten considerably better at not being this way over the last few years, and I think age and diminishing libido have a big part in that… But still… That need for validation dominates my actions and reactions in situations like this.

You have a good point, Kwothe. I hadn’t really thought of it that way. I think I’ve been too caught up in the notion and excitement of meeting her, but I haven’t really read between the lines. I don’t think it’s all dire, since she hasn’t cut off communication… But you’re right, she hasn’t really asked me anything about me, and she is pretty much making me play my cards… Basically saying… “Would love to chat, give me a text sometime this week”, rather than saying “I’ll text you later in the week”… And now “talk real soon” which is closed ended and puts the control in her court. Almost as if she doesn’t really want to do any of the work. but then again, I get the impression that she either is, or thinks she is, a high value woman, and she may very well be, with lots of potential suitors… She may believe that she can be in control of that destiny, and that’s not a terrible place for a human being to be… on the other hand, there could be a little bit of self absorption there, expecting that things will come to her and that she will be in control of things, rather than sharing in such situations… there is really no way to know, and I can only speculate on what her interest and character is. it’s in her court… I texted her last, as you could see… And it’s really up to her to reach out next… Unless it goes a week or 10 days, at which point I may check in. i’ll take the steps, but try to concentrate on moving forward and other areas, as well. Not like I have a lot of other potential dates. I’ll try really hard not to hang my hat on this one. Maybe I’ll get to meet her and things might be interesting, or maybe I won’t. I’ll try not to balance my self-worth on it, and I’m getting better at not doing just that.

OK… I have an update… but before I get into that… I’ll say this, although I’ve probably said this many times already… I think the experience of dating is vastly different for those who are pursued regularly and aggressively, and those who are virtually not pursued at all. yes, I am highly anxious regarding hearing back from people, because I’ve spent most of my life not hearing back from people, or hearing back negatively from people, and almost never, or at least rarely do I hear anything positive when I reach out to try to date someone. So, when I do get some positive feedback, it’s probably like an animal that hasn’t been fed in a long while… And like the animal, I get very anxious and eager to see when the next meal will come. it’s not like I hang around pacing waiting to hear from someone… I keep busy and go on with my life, but I have enough free time, being semi retired, that I can think about it a lot, and I can write on here to try to manage my thoughts. But I do spend a lot of time reeling and an inordinate amount of time thinking about this stuff. so… I feel like it is good news… I heard back from this lady… I think it’s positive… She began by referencing a goofy remark I made in my first text with her own goofy come back… and then said… ——— “Hi (my name)… Not running (from the weather, which was related to my goofy comment) like the gingerbread man… Sorry! Still in the midst of moving!! More of an undertaking than I imagined! Talk real soon! ✴️. (Her name)” ——— I may have been more long-winded than I should have been with my response just a few minutes later, but here’s what I said: “Moving? What the heck? Where are you moving to? Or to be grammatically correct… To where are you moving? 🙂 Thankfully, I haven’t had to move in 17 years… Longest I’ve been anywhere. Hope you are looking forward to your new digs. Moving is quite a big ordeal, for sure... ughh… Give me a holler when you can, ok? 😊😊🎶🎶😊😊” —— So… One of the reasons that I wasn’t a little more assertive with saying “hey do you wanna go…” It’s because I haven’t been at all clear about my daughters schedule for the weekend, and I’m booked pretty solid right up through that time… And it seems that she’s busy, as well. Would you have tried to ask her for a date during this latest back-and-forth, or wait until she seems less distracted? I feel a little more excited, but I shouldn’t. That would be getting way too ahead of things… Although I can’t help myself, usually. If I sniff a potential meal (hungry animal reference), I can’t help but feel the neurotransmitters starting to fire up… ughhh… let the anxiety flow. Not.

Duly noted wise, but in each of these cases, there’s been no banter. I sent this last girl one text… telling her I’d like to chat or meet. She seemed happy to engage. If she’s turned off because I didn’t offer her a plan 2 days later, that kinda seems like a red flag. woild someone really be turned off upon receiving just the second text, which was meant to create a dialogue? Im not crazy about sitting at a coffee shop for a first meeting. Most dating sites say to try to avoid that also… it’s too intense and lacks activity, which would be a much better environment to get to know someone. If there are no other alternatives, I’ll do coffee. I’ve been on coffee shop dates many times. It’s no big deal. I just prefer to do something else. Hasn’t gotten that far yet, though.

I think there’s a subtle difference bolt. She asked me to text her in a couple of days. That’s what I did. If she had initially said to me, “hey, nice to hear from you, text me when you get this”. I would’ve texted her in a nanosecond. Each and every time. if she had reached out to me first on the dating site and said, “hey… We are neighbors, it would be nice to say hi.“ I would’ve texted her back in a nanosecond. Each and every time. I do think there’s a difference. I followed her instructions.

I am so incredibly impatient. Maybe because I judge a woman’s behavior based on what I feel I would do under similar circumstances… For example, this latest potential date Texted me on Sunday night and told me to text her some night this week… Although I didn’t text her right back, I waited until Tuesday night, and said hello a brief hello… Finally, I see mid evening tonight that she actually picked up the message, but no response. There is no way in purgatory if that if I was interested in dating someone, and they texted me first on a given occasion, I would not text them right back and at least tell them I was busy but I would talk later. No way would I not do that. I just don’t get that with lots of these women. But, maybe I do… I suspect that this women, like Many, get tons and tons of male attention, and they are high value. That makes guys like me low value, and she probably knows it. Thus, if she doesn’t feel like texting back, she won’t, because she knows that if I turn out to be a dud, there may be many more to follow suit. That leaves the priority and the need to be punctual almost nonexistent. I think it was the same with the dating site girl last week. Meeting someone new just isn’t high on the list. they don’t really feel the need to work at it. I certainly do, which kind of makes me feel at a disadvantage with higher value women. Also, I’ve experienced what Bat was talking about several times. One time, about a year and a half ago, I started to chat with this nice lady on a dating site… She was a little bit younger than me, and a very nice looking lady. We texted for about a week, And one Friday night, we spent about six hours texting back-and-forth until about three in the morning. We made plans to get together that Sunday, and she told me to text her the following day and we could solidify the plan. In the meantime, Near the end of our talk, I texted her all of my contact information, just so that she would feel secure and comfortable making a plan to get together. So, the next day, I texted her early afternoon. No response. I texted her later in the afternoon. No response. I never heard from her again. About eight months later, I saw she was still on the dating site with new photos, so I texted her and said hi, and asked her if she would be willing to explain what happened back then and why she just disappeared. No response. there is really only one of a couple of possibilities… She either just chickened out, which wouldn’t jive with the evidence found regarding updating her dating profile, or she gave me a Google search and found my Facebook page, which has a few clear pictures on it, whereas my dating site really had a very pixelated and blurry close-up. I knew it wasn’t a great picture, but I was too self-conscious to put a full array, which I now do. So, I suspect she saw my photos and determined she could never date me. That’s the only real explanation. This lady seemed awesome when we were texting. Although, it was foolish to get sucked into that, which I don’t nearly as much these days. I got sucked into something knowing full well that it could fall through for any number of reasons, which clearly it did. I have many stories similar to that, So it is probably no wonder that when something seems like it’s a potential, I get quite anxious and perhaps a little over excited… Because when those who don’t get many opportunities think there may be an opportunity, it’s a big deal. So, this recent lady not at least texting back to say hi tonight, just seems like more of the same. “Well, I’ll just talk to him whenever I feel like it, because there would be more of people like him lined up for me if he doesn’t work out“. why would that make me even the least bit interested in pursuing this girl? That, I don’t really know.

Well… I texted her… But I didn’t yet ask her out or say anything to that effect. Perhaps I should have. No response yet after a half an hour. I just made a couple of goofy remarks and said I hope she is having a nice week… I figured I would wait and hear back from her and then I will start talking to her about making plans. Maybe see if she likes to banter a bit by text. I usually do fairly well through texting… Which is not a great strategy, but I’m probably better at bantering and flirting in text than I am when I first meet someone. I will wait to ask if she wants to join me for the small outing further away until after I meet her. Thanks for encouraging me to not ask her that, although she seems like the type that might appreciate that kind of spontaneity… No way to know. Doesn’t seem like she is online all that much… If someone tried to contact me through any portal, I would know within minutes. I guess I’m a bit of a technology junkie in that regard… I hear what you guys are saying about not judging her based on first impressions or appearances… I am trying not to do that, but my gut says that my past experiences have shaped those perceptions. Although, the way you present yourself certainly lends credence a bit about who you are. She is flashy and colorful… Calls herself the free spirit. That could be interpreted in many ways, of course, because I could also probably be called a free spirit… But there’s different kinds of free spirits… And not all would likely be compatible. I am usually pretty good at just letting go of things and taking one step in front of the other once things get rolling. And in the likelihood this date or meeting will happen, I’ll just go in with my best attitude, and try to be at ease, sociable, maybe even a little silly… It’s hard to be silly upon first meeting, though. There’s not enough foundation there yet. Did I wimp out with my correspondence? I guess it’s not very confident and aggressive.

Yeah, I doubt it. That’s just who she is. Very colorful and very slick. In so many ways, all the things I am not. However, she obviously liked what I said on my dating site, and my photos, and what she says on her dating site kind of fits me. So, who knows.

well, I suppose the notion of inviting her on a little outing was to present the idea that I can be spontaneous, fun, and provide an opportunity where you’re not just sitting across from each other anxious and awkward. i’ve been trying to think of alternatives, and at this time of year, the only things seem to be coffee shops and restaurants… Booooooring. as far as not responding to her to thank her for her text right after she texted On Sunday evening… I guess I’m also trying to do what a lot of resources have said… Not seem too eager… Not seem too desperate… Even though those things may have slight truth to them… 🙂 Maybe even to present some mystery… It backfired with the online girl, Since I waited her out, and apparently she was waiting me out, as well, or just not paying that close attention to it… The fact that I didn’t hear from her until I texted her after we were supposed to get together, tells me that maybe she’s just not that interested, or emotionally available, per se. And then to say… “Why don’t we just wait until after Thanksgiving“. To me those are kind of walking signs. No, I have no interest in waiting until after Thanksgiving, two weeks from now. If I want to meet someone, I want to do it at the earliest possible time, not put it on the back burner. I don’t want to live my life that way. I know, I’m probably making too much out of it, but I don’t want to chase anyone, but I also don’t wanna come across way too eager… I may be playing these wrong… I don’t know. As far as the girl I’m supposed to text tonight… It feels very anxiety provoking to sit across from this girl and be looking face-to-face, rather than actually doing something together. I dread the thought of it. I’ve done it many times, and I’m sure I’ll be OK, but I’d like to be able to find something to do that’s not quite as face-to-face, at least for the first time. A walk outside would be great, but the weather is annoying right now for that. ughhhh… I guess it’s time to put on the big boy pants.

Thanks, bolt… Well, that’s what I was kind of wondering… She did say text her in the evening one day this week, so technically I’m not ignoring her, but I am doing exactly what she said… I am just not responding to her responding… Does that seem like ignoring?