Whirling D

Ok… against my comfort level… I have both of these photos on my dating profile.

Funny you say that. I’m kind of shy, although almost no one would likely predict that upon first meeting. Confidence is something that goes over extremely well where I am, even to the point of arrogance being rewarded, rather than humble and kind. Overconfidence and arrogance is a huge currency, and often gets the girl. I do see really nice ladies here that have shy and quiet husbands. But those husbands are almost always at least 6’ tall. Many aren’t even that much more “manly” or good looking than I am. So, since this is true, I can’t imagine they are that much nicer, more generous, or more anything than I am… other than short hair and tall. That seems to be the only real variable in these examples. The tallest men here can even be kind of quiet and unattractive. But they almost always have awesome wives. Almost guaranteed. A girl I dated a few years ago loved my long hair. So, I can’t say no girls like long hair. If you have broad shoulders, a tough demeanor, and a manly look… long hair has a specific audience. Effeminate, relatively short, soft spoken… We remain literally ignored. I have felt that my entire life. It’s not my imagination. I can tell when I’m taken seriously and when I’m not. Most times, in a crowd, it’s not even subtle. I’ll be in line at the store, and the girl on a register will speak to the tall guy before me with a sparkle in her eye, and with energy, even if the guy barely says hi. I’ll approach the same cashier with a pleasant greeting and engaged demeanor, and I can tell almost instantly that the girl’s interest just dies. It’s so clear. I’ve seen it my entire life. It’s not in my imagination. I see so many ladies on dating sites that suffer the same fate, but for very different reasons. I know they are being ignored, as well. I feel for them, and then I ignore them as well. I feel like I contradict myself. I do get it. Out culture consists of the haves and have nots, and there is a pretty wide line separating the two sides.

Interesting question, Bat. Niceness. Well, I grew up within a culture that is known for being a kinder gentler people. Where I currently live is not at all that way. My mother, who lived where I am for four years, said it is the most unfriendly and detached place she has ever lived, within many many places that we as a family lived while I was growing up. she points out that she the entire time she was here, she never once got to know any neighbors on either side of us. Ever. Was never invited over, was never spoken to out on the street. After my parents moved away, I lived in a house for 17 years in a very thick residential area surrounded by houses, and the entire 17 years that I was there I only said hi to one fellow who lived in a small attached apartment next to my driveway. He was the only neighbor I ever even saw, let alone spoke to. That was limited to “hi, how are you“ that was it. 17 years of living in an affluent neighborhood in an urban area, and I could only tell you that I spoke to one person in my entire neighborhood the whole time I was there. That’s not kinder gentler. That’s guarded and withdrawn. It’s a cultural difference. People down here have to contend with millions of other people within a very small amount of space, whereas where I grew up was small town and rural, so people had to learn to adapt and appreciate the people that were nearby, when they could. When I visit the place that I grew up, I can see what it means to be a kinder gentler people. For example, when you go into an establishment there, people talk to you, and smile with friendliness, and ask you questions about yourself, and it feels that they care about who you are and want to know you. Although nothing is universal, I don’t feel that nearly as much, sometimes at all, where I live. It’s very competitive where I live, and you are often judged by how popular you are, or your pecking order in the neighborhood. Who knows, since I haven’t lived anywhere else as an adult, I don’t know if I would suffer the same difficulties if I lived elsewhere. I get the feeling I would not, though. To me, niceness means that you are polite and friendly with everyone that you meet, almost regardless of their social status, income or friendliness. I feel like that’s part of who I am, it’s not something I try to do. My natural inclination is to want to talk to people, and ask them questions, and smile when I greet people, and be polite and often a little goofy. That’s exactly how I have conveyed myself within my online presence. Why would I want to change that, just because I’m not getting any hits? I want to try to pretend to be somebody that I’m not? I suspect many guys on the dating sites present themselves as being nice and a bit goofy. But most of them who have success have things I don’t… Height, broad shoulders, perhaps more personality… More of an alpha male personality. I have zero of that, and I think it’s pretty easy to see the moment you lay eyes on me. I definitely have an alpha personality once I get to know my tribe, but definitely not upon first meeting. I do have the capacity to be somewhat shy and reserved, but that does not mean I am not friendly, cheerful and polite. I am definitely on the soft-spoken side, and probably don’t present as someone who would make very many women feel safe and secure, which is what almost all dating coaches say is among the most attractive attractive qualities in men around here… Women want to feel safe, provided for and secure with their partners, and that’s pretty clear with an every photo I almost see on Facebook with couples. I look through Facebook, and almost every couple that has a photo on there features the female gazing up adoringly into the eyes of her dominant male. Almost always. It almost always seems to be an alpha/beta relationship, with the male being the alpha. I’m not really interested in that kind of dynamic, and maybe that shows, who knows>. I actually like who I am. I just don’t think others feel the same way. Maybe I am fooling myself, I don’t know, and truthfully I’m getting to the point where I don’t really care. I am who I am, and I try hard to do well with others. Doesn’t seem to matter in the dating world.

The anxiety I feel is a trigger response from trauma. Maybe not PTSD like someone would have after coming home from a war, but people have trauma from all kinds of different things. I could write a book on the topic. I get trauma triggered in situations like this, probably because it happens over and over and over again and the result is always the same, almost regardless of what I do or don’t do. Niceness and decency doesn’t fit into the equation. Never has. I’m starting to lose those things because of it.

I’ll sign off tonight by reiterating this story that I conveyed on a post a year or two ago on here. I have been on dating sites for years, and have almost pretty much never gotten many responses at all, ever. So, about 20 years ago, back in the early days of dating sites, I did an experiment. I had almost the exact same write up that I have now, and I had a couple of pretty decent pictures, but was getting, literally, no responses. None. I did something rather diabolical with my experiment… I went to the same dating site from a city on the other side of the country, and I lifted a picture of an average looking guy, but a little more typical than I am, and I put that single picture on my site and took mine off. This fellow wasn’t a hunk, or buff, he just looked like your average kind of geeky guy. Middle of the road. Nothing else changed on the profile except for that picture. By the morning, I probably had 50 responses, many from seemingly really nice women that I would love to be able to have a chance to go out with. Do you really try to want to convince me now it’s all in my head?

Maybe because I’ve encountered this outcome time and time again? From women that weren’t nearly the status of a doctor? You’ve already heard some of my stories before. It happens over and over and over. And what you say is true. It’s only been a half an hour. But she logged off, and based on the last handful of days I have been writing to her, she won’t be back on until tomorrow night, so if somebody asks you out and you don’t respond even with a “thanks for the invite, let me get back to you on that“, that seems pretty clear that they’re gone. What I am feeling is a trauma response. Where does trauma come from? It comes from repeated experiences that are detrimental to one’s own mental health. I don’t believe this is self created. I believe there’s only so much rejection and isolation that a person can withstand before they start to lose their mental stability. I think that’s kind of a fact of social conditioning.

Thanks for the encouragement, Bolt. you are right. This girl isn’t going to wreck my life. It just is going to set me back for a while, and likely make me feel even less hope that I’ll find somebody that I like who likes me back. I’m not getting any younger, and I’m starting to feel like I need to change what I am hoping for, which has never worked out well for me. I just can’t pretend to feel like I’m really into somebody if I’m not. And it just doesn’t feel right. yes, I have found a few girls when I was younger that were into who I am, but they ended up being disasters… They weren’t good choices for me, and there was even deceit and manipulation on their part to get me to pay attention to them, which then changed after we knew each other for a while. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t walk around day-to-day feeling sorry for myself all day long. I try to move forward, and this will be no different… But when does it end? I see all kinds of bonehead men that can attract these nice girls, and these girls put up with their boneheadedness, why? Because these boneheads are tall and manly, perhaps make some decent money, and make them feel secure. I’m not likely going to be making anyone feel secure anytime soon. My bad. The reasons that these guys get dates is not because they are any nicer than I am. It’s not because I am not nice, or kind, or decent, or pleasant. It’s strictly my physical appearance, and I’ve proven that over and over and over, over many years. And so many people, including my own therapist, say that this is just a fallacy that I’ve created in my own head. Yeah, right. I’ll buy that. So that means I just must not be a nice guy. That’s gotta be it. Right.

Crap… Now I am triggered again. Traumatized a bit by something stupid. A nice lady gives a glance in my direction, which virtually never happens, says hi, then disappears, and now I feel back to square -5,000,000. I just went back and read our entire exchange, and I don’t believe there is anything in there that would warrant a ghosting… But that seems to still be what I constantly get. Although I am not her, and I can’t say how anybody else would respond to what I write, but I usually try to be warm and engaged and a bit silly. That’s the kind of thing that almost every dating coach says girls like. It’s what I, myself, would find charming and fun. That’s why I constantly say to people, and my own therapist, that I just don’t think I’m built for the culture in which I live. Or, I just don’t have the look that the kind of lady I want to attract finds attractive. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and as a bunch of you here have said, I can always cut my hair, and get a better job, yada yada yada. Niceness and decency don’t yield results where I am, unless you’re 6 feet tall, broad shouldered, have a chiseled jaw, or earn a lot of money. That’s just the way it is. I don’t think it’s necessarily this way in other parts of the world, or even of the US. But I hear story after story from guys I know who have no trouble getting dates. I can’t get a date if my life depends on it. If it has anything to do with what I say or what I write, then it just comes from having a different language. Somewhere in the world, maybe in a different part of the US, there would be people that think that how I look, the things that I like, or think about, or write, is charming and valuable. It’s just not happening where I live, and it almost never has. I’m getting fed up with it, and it’s feeding into my constant anger at the lot in life that seems to constantly be heading my way. I’m kind of pissed. I kind of wish this girl had never reached out. If she wasn’t willing to follow through, what’s the point? What does this say… That she might’ve liked what I said on my profile, and she might’ve liked my pictures, but then when she found out I was a lowly public teacher and I’m not fully employed right now that maybe she had second thoughts? She didn’t like my brand of humor? She didn’t like the fact that it took me a day to get back to her? What? There was zero in our interaction that should have been a turn off, except for maybe I was a bit more enthusiastic than her comfort level might have wanted. Who knows. Just great. Can you tell I’m triggered? Can’t imagine you don’t.

I said it would be nice to meet her for a beverage or a bite… Maybe the Saturday or Sunday after I return… pretty straightforward. Not too intense. Left off with a silly unrelated observation. I shouldn’t worry (although I often do…) whether I said too little or too much. It is what it is. If she seems interested, she’ll get back to me… but I’m getting a sinking feeling. Yes, I have been checking in to see when she read it, and she read it within the last half hour, but no response. I suspect a ghost, but it’s too early. I’ll tell you, if it was me getting a nice offer to meet, if I even had a moderate interest, I’d be writing back pronto. So, I suspect, as usual, I’ll end up disappointed. I’m confident enough to think that nothing I did or said should have really made that much difference. She either likes my photos, enjoyed the vibe I was trying to present, or she doesn’t. I suspect there’s a lot of guys that have a lot more typical American male characteristics than I do, so what woman with her background wouldn’t want to peruse those options first? Seems like a no brainer. She’s a doctor. My current life status is low on the social ladder. Yeah, there will probably be a lot of people that think I blew it by this or that. I don’t really think so. If the girl really seemed to like what I had to offer, she would be around and responding. One would think that someday some nice lady will see my photos, and read the good-natured and a little bit silly things that I write, and find them attractive enough to not just like my profile and then disappear after a note or two. i’m not holding my breath about it. I start to forget about dating for a while and I begin to stabilize, and then I start enjoying other things in life… And then something like this comes along where a nice lady shows interest, and then disappears. And then I feel heartbroken all over again. Ughhh…

Ok… seems like the general consensus is that I should just wear the big boy pants and ask to meet her. So I did. Now I’m regretting it a bit. But it is what it is. My gut told me we hadn’t really caught a vibe yet, and asking her out was premature. Just a hunch. But what will be will be…

I think those are all reasonable ideas, but a couple of clarifications… I think my messages with her really clearly showed interest, maybe not directly, but indirectly… Like… “Nice to see you on here“… joking with her… Asking her questions, etc. They were two generally nice messages that both of us sent to each other. For clarification, I went back and looked. It was only 24 hours that I waited to get back to her, not 48. I don’t think that should send any indication of lack of interest, do you? Also, her messages were 24 hours to respond to both, as well. I also noticed that she did not ask any questions in her second message, like she did in her first message… She paid me a compliment regarding my profile, then she asked me what kind of work I did. No questions in the second one, just banter. I wonder if that shows a waning interest? Plus, I have every intention of getting back to her, so I’m not bailing out after two messages. I’m just trying to gather my strategy before I do.

How so did you find it a red flag? One message?

Yes, I can see how all of this is likely true. it’s also worthy to note that this lady seems to be online about once a day… And usually mid evening, so I suspect she’s not spending a lot of time looking at her phone looking for dates, like I often am. Or even perhaps thinking much about it. I also suspect that a woman who is only tolerant of about two messages before she gives up on them, particularly because she hasn’t heard back from them for 24 or 48 hrs., isn’t likely the one for me, either, since that seems a bit extreme to me.

Thanks, Blue… Well, I pretty much get zero responses from nice ladies on dating apps, so when someone nice shows interest, I’d rather not screw it up. Not to mention that I’ve pretty much given up on cold messaging ladies, since I’ve probably written 100 thoughtful, often funny messages to ladies I think would be “in my league” and my return message rate is 100% zero. So, it stands to reason I want to be careful with nuance.

I don’t consider waiting a bit to message playing games. I was just trying to not seem to needy or desperate, which I know can be a red flag. That is more for strategy. One would hope if she liked my profile, and our interactions, she would follow it through. But… the other suitors. Part of me things that if she moved on that quickly that she wouldn’t be the right choice for me. Is this perhaps lowballing it? I mean, she liked my profile, and we exchanged nice texts, only briefly, twice. Unless she found red flags, like my likely income, or my delay (which for me would not red flags), I can’t see that someone would move on so quickly, unless they were interacting with someone else that they seemed to like better, and if this was the case, why would I want it to continue anyway?

I do read a lot of dating theory. Some of it seems reasonable and plausible. Of course, it’s all subjective. For me, personally, I would think that someone asking me to get together after only two previous exchanges would be a bit of a red flag. That’s just me though. Wouldn’t she want to know a bit more? Wouldn’t she want to know more about who she might be spending her time with? I dunno. I can’t imagine she’s not getting a ton of suitors, so she may have the luxury of being selective. There’s also the thought that if she didn’t respond to my last quip, her interest level is not likely high, so why would I pursue it? Is it really worth chasing someone who detaches so quickly, generally speaking?

Do you guys really think that sending just two medium-sized messages is too long to wait before asking someone out? I haven’t gotten that impression with many of the things I’ve read. Some of them said maybe wait until you’ve been messaging for about a week, or so, or something like that. It’s probably different for different people, right?

Nice to hear from you, Bat, interestingly, I wasn’t getting a strong read that it bothered her that I didn’t make any money. We didn’t get too far into detail, but in her first message, she asked if I had a job that was fun, because my profile has a few fun bits in it. I told her I’d been a teacher for almost 20 years, but was just earning some income on the side doing lessons now… She responded by saying that she was just thinking that she had wished she would learn an instrument, but thinks her brain was no longer firing on the required cylinders to do that… Which was her way of trying to be funny… I can certainly appreciate that. what I could do, and you guys can tell me whether this is wise, is write her a nice note now… Telling her something that is true… That I spent the entire day yesterday driving 12 hours to come up to where my family is to attend my dad‘s funeral later in the week. That might open the door to a response. In that same article I mentioned, and it may have been in psychology today… They said double messaging can actually still be quite effective up to a week later, maybe more. I guess the question is… Should I be aggressive and text her back next anyway, or give her another few days to see if she responds to my little quip? After all, there is no real way to know why she didn’t respond to it with another little quip of her own… but I know if it was me, I probably would’ve said something smart alec-y back to her…!

Yeah, I didn’t answer right away, and I know I’ve read multiple places that they say that sometimes answering right away seems desperate. I think I was also busy and it got late. I did read somewhere where they took a poll and asked women if it is hot or not when someone messages you right back each time, and the general consensus was that women found it attractive when men messaged them right back on dating sites. in our second exchange back-and-forth, she was showing a little bit of south deprecating humor, so I returned that. I was talking about how we are both the same age and told her I was just noticing that the year I was born has the same last two digits as my age, for the first time in my life… Was just a silly observation, which she seemed to enjoy. She responded by saying that she was born in the year prior to me, so she will have to look for that double digit thing which would occur for her next year. she concluded by saying that she was tired because she’s been out all day, and I was driving my kid home when that note came in, so it was already half an hour later when I got it, so I didn’t think she was going to likely see my final message, but I wrote anyway and said… “Well, when you said you were born in March, I was going to tease you that you are older than me, but then when you dropped the 1962 bomb (which makes her younger than me), I can now tease you that I am older than you!” Yeah, I know, someone on here is going to tell me that was a bad joke. I don’t think it was, and if someone thinks it’s a bad joke, then that person wouldn’t be for me.

Hi all… Haven’t been on here for a little while, since things have been going OK on most fronts. Things with my kid have smoothened out and are going well. She hasn’t been asking to go live with her mom, which is good… Things with her mom have been good, as well. Then there’s the dating thing. There’s been a bit of a development. Finally, after what seems like forever, a nice lady liked my online dating profile. I wasn’t sure what I thought about it, at first, in terms of first impressions… So I let it sit for a while, plus I was busy with other things. After a couple of weeks, I liked her’s back, and we matched… At some point, I wrote her a nice introduction… Simple but fun… Within hours, she wrote me back a nice reply… Asked me what I do for work, and made a comment about something she liked about my profile, regarding something fun I said on there. I wanted to write back right away and see if we could get a back-and-forth exchange going, but I thought about it over and over, and did some research, and eventually decided I would wait 24 hours. Then, I got busy, and it turned into 48 hours before I got back to her. I wrote her a nice reply, not lengthy, just said hi and asked her how things were going… I asked her what her job is that she had mentioned previously but not specified… Took her 24 hours to answer, but the following evening she sent her second note, also nice, pretty straightforward… And to that, I commented very quickly afterward kind of a one-liner regarding what she said. She didn’t pick that one up until tonight, 24 hours later, but hasn’t responded to it… It’s hard to say whether my one-liner warranted a response, but one way or the other, one would think, if she wanted to respond, she would have. There is always room for a response if somebody jokes with you about something. So, there is more… She tells me she’s a primary care physician… UGG. I am barely employed and most months I’m not even breaking even. I can’t even really afford the Starbucks I have three or four times a week. How am I supposed to entertain a physician? I know that many of you are going to say the obvious… That I am way ahead of myself… That people shouldn’t judge each other by their economic income, but I think it’s more complicated than that… There is a potential social status issue. Is it really practical to expect that someone that is high income and runs in a fairly affluent circle would be able to keep reasonable time with somebody that has pretty much dropped out of society and lives out in the woods with zero money and a house that’s falling apart? That just seems like a recipe for a heart break, at least for me. so, I don’t know what to do about that. The other question would be how to handle the message situation, given that she read my one-liner tonight but didn’t respond… When should I reach out again, and what should I say? She lives in a beautiful little town that I know reasonably well that’s a little over an hour from me, and I know fairly quickly I’ll suggest to go up there and we could meet for lunch and walk around the town… But maybe I need to be a little bit more methodical. When would I ask her to do that? The third message might be a little quick to do that, but we’re both on there, allegedly, to meet someone, so why should I beat around the bush? I don’t know. I thought about sending her something a little silly like I have done before, and say to her… “You know, you probably might have questions… So I will give you five free answers… To any questions that you can come up with, and I’ll try to answer them as honestly and ask completely as I can… OK, go…!“ See how that goes. I read on a psychology website recently that there had been studies done about double texting, which means one person texting twice in a row when the other person drops out. If I recall, it said that your chance of having the person respond back to you again goes up by about 10% if you wait for 24 hours to send the second text, but it goes up considerably more if you even wait a week. given that I didn’t really say much on my last response to her, other than a joke, does that really count as a response? Do I owe her something with a little more substance, since I didn’t really respond to her second nice message to me? Or, should I wait and see if she says anything more? I could give her another day or two, but I don’t know what that’s going to change. She saw my message from last night, and hasn’t responded. Since she opened the app, she was on there to use it, and if she saw my note and didn’t respond, that may tell me something. Maybe she’s already determined that there are red flags? I don’t know. Just thinking out loud. What would you guys do?

To me, it’s not like I am trying to find a needle in a haystack. I see these girls all over the place, kind of. I worked along side of a bunch of them this past weekend. Lively ladies. They’re just not dating guys like me. They’re dating tall broad-shouldered guys with beards or bald heads. Don’t know how many times I need to say that. I see it over and over and over. Ughh. But to be more specific and answering your question… if I had to put my finger on the qualities that I would value… Decency… Friendly… Pleasant… Cute, maybe pretty… Can talk about a lot of different things… Loves nature… Maybe plays music like I do… has values that are similar to mine… And has something in their life that gives them drive and focus that may be community or culture focused. You get the idea. I don’t expect to find all of these things in a partner, but some of them would be nice.

Well, as much as it annoys you to hear the labels that you described as being like junior high school… It still makes me feel like I’m low value. Like in junior high school, if you are the last one to be picked for a team, it doesn’t make you feel like you are valued. Now that you mention it, I can even remember it back then. Was always picked last for teams. Always. statistically, if you look at it, if one or two girls out of 10 like guys with long hair, and that may be best case scenario where I live, that leaves the pickins as slim. I would bet that the ratio is much further than that… I would guess that may be one out of 25 girls might like guys with long hair. Maybe less. to be fair, occasionally, I will see a girl on Facebook with a guy with long hair. Then I also notice that the particular guy she is with is usually a lot taller than I am. And much more masculine looking. Think Michael Bolton, or Russell Brandt. That brings the odds likely to about 100 to 1. As Jim Carrey’s character said, I believe in the movie Liar Liar, when he asked a woman what the chance was that she would date him, she replied… “About a 1,000,000 to 1”…, and he responded… “So there’s a chance!”… I’m even boring myself now.

Yeah, my tone. I’m sorry if it’s bothersome. You can probably tell I’m a bit pissed off at life. it doesn’t matter whether I would be high value in the way you describe your husband to be, or not. I just don’t get the opportunity to show that or prove that, at all. Almost ever. If I can’t find anyone willing to get to know whether I’m high or low value, and they go basically on photographs, or what I look like, then I think my prospects will be few and far between. as for doing things to “improve“ my presentation. I have $90,000 of school loans, because I went back to school at 31 years old, and onto my masters, to “improve“ my value. I worked in a giving profession for almost 20 years to “improve“ my presentation. I currently work a job that I want to do, so I don’t feel the need to “improve“ my presentation by getting a “better“ job. I like my hair the way it is. I value that my hair grows the length it was meant to grow by nature. I don’t feel the need to “improve“ myself by getting a better haircut. am I pissed off at the world? Maybe just people. You bet.

The term high value/Low value is a common term used in dating videos, and by dating coaches, etc. it pretty much means exactly what you could presume… High value would be people who are often sought after and desired… Low value, well, not so much. Given my history with dating, and how I haven’t been able to attract almost any women my entire adult life, I can only assume that I clearly fit in the low value category. I am also going to predict that your husband is fairly masculine… I.e., broad shouldered, maybe facial hair… Or balding? Am I close? Ask me how I know.

Thank you, Bat… That is very kind of you. it’s hard to really see myself through other people‘s eyes, because I can’t possibly know what others see. I do know what’s in my heart, and I do know how I believe I present myself… And I feel pretty good about that.… Decency, kindness, a little bit of shyness, a little bit of an edge once you get to know me… But that’s a bit of the problem… Once you get to know me. Not many do, because I don’t get that many opportunities. I probably said before that when I was in my career, which was a teacher, I always walked through my building smiling, ready to engage, and friendly… I couldn’t tell you in a million years why I was never once invited to a party, or to have lunch with somebody, or to join a group for something. Ever. Except for my immediate team of three other teachers, I mean. And that was always nice. I haven’t been to a party or a gathering since I can remember. I currently service about 15 families with the work that I do, and I see them once a week. Most of them treat me like family, and I know their kids well because that’s who I work with, but in about the six years I’ve been doing this, only one family has ever invited me to participate in an activity outside of that work. For my entire adult life, I can’t remember ever being invited to a party or a gathering, unless it was of a friend of a friend, or something like that. I don’t really make friends. I couldn’t tell you why. I think people just think I’m a little bit of an oddball. My daughter constantly says that. She’s only 15, and I expect her to diss her dad, but she works at a large supermarket chain, and I will go in and just start chatting with whoever is there, and she gets really embarrassed and says things like… “dad, you’re not funny… No one wants to talk to you…“ I joke with her about it, and tell her that someday she will see that people do want to talk to strangers, and they do enjoy chatting and being joked with while they are working. But still, it’s a bit triggering to hear her say that, because the results almost weigh in on her side. No one follows it up. Almost ever. I said this before, but I do think it is a bit of a cultural difference. When I go back to Canada to visit, almost any store I go into there are people that will engage in a very lighthearted chat and seem interested in connection. I think people are much more likely to be that way up there. Where I am here, if people need to provide a service, they will certainly talk to you, and joke with you, but down here, it almost seems like people talk at you, rather than talk with you, if that distinction makes sense. They will say stuff to you, and enjoy it, but then go right onto the next thought when done. I think there are just so many people down here, and it’s too much for a person’s brain to fully engage each person. I think people have to evaluate and make judgments fairly quickly. And in my case, I think they judge that I’m a nice guy, but I am low value. And it’s not because of the way I interact… it’s how I look. We all do it. We all make judgments of the people we meet based on how they look. I do it. If I meet someone, I quickly make what might even be a subconscious judgment about who they are and what value they have to my needs. If it’s a lady, it’s usually pretty clear fairly quickly. I’m not proud that I judge like that, but I think that’s what people do, particularly when you are in a place that has so many people that you encounter on a regular basis. A lot of times, those judgments are based on physical characteristics… Am I attracted to this lady? Do I feel warmth emanating off this lady? I think it has to be both. I feel like I don’t attract people here. Maybe it’s the way I look. Maybe it’s the way I talk. I remember a time a couple of years ago that I was talking to a guy on the phone about a musical situation he had advertised. Maybe I advertised, I forget. We spoke for about 10 minutes, and he suddenly got agitated and said something like… “ I can tell I could never work with you. You’re just so full of yourself and you’re not listening to what I’m saying“ the call got a little testy after that when I tried to be proactive and ask him what his concerns were, and he just got nasty and said some nasty things that were hurtful. I didn’t get it. I was just being my usual thoughtful self, asking questions, describing my interests, and trying to be decent. And that’s what I got? so, I realize that I irritate people for some reason that I don’t often quite understand. And I don’t really care to anymore, truthfully. I’ve gotten to an age where I’m having less tolerance for people like that who will nitpick for reasons beyond my understanding. If that’s the way they want to be, so be it. But it still hurts to hear someone speak to you like that for no reason other than the way you interact with them. I’ve had that happen repeatedly most of my adult life. Maybe everyone has, who knows. Maybe because I’m a little on the soft spoken side that it might give some people license to feel that they can be abusive to you. Who knows. Of course, if I was a Robin Williams, and I had a personality a mile high, I could make up for a lot of this, and I do see that occurrence. But I’m not. I am a simple, generally pleasant big kid. That goes over OK upon first meeting, but it doesn’t round first base and head towards second. I think most people appreciate how I engage, but they’re not interested in taking it further than that, likely for the reasons above. The women I meet, and who I have been reaching out to lately, are good people. They are higher value. They will engage me, and talk for a bit, and I can tell they’re just not interested and they move on… like the lady that this post was referring to. She said she’d admires me. To me that is a major statement. I don’t hear that often. She had the courage to reach out and say that. But for whatever reasons, she won’t go further than that. Nor will the other several that I’ve encountered recently. And the ones before that. It goes on and on. If I was 6 feet or taller, or had short hair, I’d be undoubtedly higher value. I have seen it in Canada. I see guys that look a lot more like I do who are about 4 inches taller than I am, and they are with higher value women. The kind of women I would enjoy knowing. It’s so obviously clear why. when I look at the countless Facebook profiles of the women that I find interesting and attractive, they are almost always looking up into the eyes adoringly of their spouse or partner. Dating gurus say that women value feeling safe and secure with their partner. Because of my small and slim profile, I’m not going to be making too many women feel safe and secure, I doubt. That’s a physical characteristic I just can’t project. I think that’s a huge deficit. it’s a social hierarchy, and I am much lower on that totem. It just is what it is, and I have to manage it. It doesn’t stop me from pursuing lady friends, it just seems to give me little hope that I’ll actually find what I have in my head. That can be frustrating and saddening… A little angering all rolled up into one.