Whirling D

I hear you, blue. There’s only so much time in the day to re-create events from every angle. I can only re-create them from my angle. I try to be accurate, but as you say, I could be biased. I tend to think that she may be a bit tone deaf. Not a lot, but according to what I wrote just a few moments ago, she does have certain expectations, which are a bit entitled. My ex-wife was the same way. And even the two girls I’ve dated since had a bit of entitlement. They all had good jobs, and that came with certain expectations for them. It’s not the way I roll, but it was also not a greater part of who they are. Just a small piece. I think I could handle that. But I am also definitely oversensitive, so that is where my problem comes in. She knows I over analyze things, and I think that may make her feel stressed out. Understandably so. I’m getting there. I haven’t done it as much these days. my biggest overreaction was the hair thing, when I told her that just now makes three different things that she still unclear about… in actuality, she wasn’t really saying she thought it was a make or break situation., she just wondered if I would make adjustments to suit her needs, which to me, seemed like a red flag for her if I wasn’t … And I said, does that bring about the question that we may not just be the right fit? She got a bit testy about that one, saying that I was trying to force these decisions to happen right away. I backed down and said I overreacted, and that’s not what I was expecting. That’s about as far as it went. A few months ago I probably would’ve went further. A little later she said she was happy with the outcome of that conversation. But was she really?

Most of the time, I do a pretty good job of just running with enjoying ourselves. A little bit of the times we talk about serious stuff. Only a little. I have also gotten stronger at letting things go quickly. But I do think about them more when I have downtime, and that’s what I fear about her… She’ll be thinking about these conversations, and how reasonable some of the things I said to her actually are… Will I be able to fit into her life? That’s really more for her to figure out, but she hasn’t made it easy with these conversations. Well, she seemed to be enjoying herself, until recently. I’m seeing a whole crap ton of stress and anxiety coming out now. I know that her being with me causes some of that, because it puts pressure on other areas of her life… And ultimately, she’s going to eventually have to make a decision as to whether to stay with me or not. Perhaps this weekend made that abundantly clear. I guess I made that abundantly clear. also, she has many very endearing and decent qualities, as I have said, over and over, but she does have a little bit of a streak of entitlement… Meaning, she knows she’s worked hard, she knows she is in one of the most respected professions there is, and I think that she believes that along with that comes certain expectations… That her partners meet her rules. she jokingly said something like that to me this weekend when I was kidding with her about how much work we were doing to keep the place clean… She said something like, “yeah, if you’re gonna be with me, you’re gonna have to suck it up“. Something like that. I was enjoying helping her keep the place nice over the last several visits, because I enjoy being there with her, and because I valued her wanting me to be there. I’m not sure how sustainable it is for either one of us to be working like that for a good chunk of the time we are down there. As far as I’m concerned, why would I want to go then? I think she was starting to think some of the same. She may even be conveying that thought to being with me in general… If dating, someone, or dating someone like me, comes with all of the stress and anxiety, and extra cleaning, and extra planning… Is it really worth it? She did say that after she got out of her last relationship, which was about 15 months ago, she was relieved to not have to answer to anybody and have time on her own to manage her own affairs. It could be that she starting to yearn for that again. I can only hypothesize. I am still grateful that I know her, and that we are still currently together, and that we are still making plans, last I knew. But it’s been a few days, and who knows what could happen during these few down days, and minds could be changing. It won’t be my mind anytime soon. I think most of what I write relates to what I am trying to figure out she might be thinking… Every relationship I’ve had has difficulties in some similar way. You either choose to try to get through them because you believe in the person, and I do believe in her, at least, as much as I know her after 10 weeks, But so far, I would say she is worth it.

She just mentioned it in casual conversation, and I don’t think it was meant to be anything much deeper than that. It didn’t really feel like she was giving me a major warning of any sort, really. Maybe that’s what it was, I can’t tell. Also, I think she doubts her own judgment. She stayed with two guys that turned out to be not good fits, and I’ve asked her why she did that numerous times, and she doesn’t really know why she stayed with them for so long, despite her being chronically unhappy, and disconnected. I suppose she must’ve felt connected to them at one point. I think she’s a bit paranoid about making the same mistakes again. That in itself can be a bit problematic, because, at least from my own perspective, it can lead someone looking for problems. I do that all the time because I’m afraid of making stupid mistakes. I think she’s just trying to be cautious, and I also think she may have a sneaking feeling that her and I may be too good to be true. She may be right, but for perhaps different reasons. We’ve talked about all those on here, so you’ll likely know what I mean. I do think it was a rough thing for her to say, given she knows that I am pretty sensitive about being judged for being different. I think I may have said that to her. I told her I wasn’t crazy about being scrutinized like that, because it makes me feel overly sensitized. Upon saying that to her, I think I felt like I was sticking up for myself, and demanding a little more respect than that. That’s what I did with the hair conversation, as well. I got the sense she respected that I stood up for myself, like that… Not sure she liked it, but I think she respected it. The conversation didn’t really go much further. I don’t remember if I made it clear that I would be there for her one way or the other, despite the feeling of being observed, and judged by her family. I can handle that. It might’ve been a little bit of a test, as well, to see if I would crack under pressure. I kind of did crack a bit when I told her it made me less interested in coming up that weekend, but I believe I told her I would one way, or the other, and I wouldn’t let the scrutiny deter me. It was a very brief conversation, so I don’t remember the details all that well.

Another conversation that her and I had this past weekend, just popped into my head… She said that next weekend family members would be up at the beach house, and she would like for me to come up there to meet them… And then she also revealed to me that their opinion of me will matter a lot to her, because they picked up on things about her exes that she was not able to (she gave specifics), and they were the things that eventually let her to leaving those people. I told her that made me less interested in coming up there, although, although I said, I absolutely will join her, because I don’t want to be scrutinized like that. I told her it made me feel uncomfortable to be judged by others like that, and that she’s a smart woman, and should be able to fairly easily tell from what she knows about me, what I’m all about and whether or not she’s missing anything. She told me that she did not pick up on the things that her family members were saying until much later on when it became problematic… I’ve always told her that I’m pretty much what you see is what you get. I guess that could be arguable. I’ve always been upfront with her I think. I probably shouldn’t have tried to make her think that asking her family members what they thought of me would not be useful. I guess I kind of regret saying that. I may walk that back when I see her next. If we start talking about it. I wonder if she has even given that conversation another thought? I’ll bet there’s a good chance she hasn’t.

Thanks, O. Nice to hear from you! Hope all is well for you over there on the other side of the pond… 🙂 I’m really surprised that there are many that scoff at this mindset as being a “poor work ethic” or lazy, or whatever. I think we’ve been culturally conditioned to think that we have to be moving at all times, and have to be achieving and acquiring things to be successful. Where did that get me? Divorced, poor and unhappy. All of the income, status, and possessions in the world is probably not going to change my level of happiness. I had a great career for quite a while, arguably, and our income was pretty decent. Didn’t make me any more or less happy. In many ways, despite what I say on here, I’ve been much less stressed out, and consequently happier, since I’ve been barely employed. I feel much more in control of my environment. The hard part is not having as many connections. My self-esteem was shot from my previous experiences, so it’s hard for me to reach out to friends and family, and that’s what I will likely need to change the most. Dr. lady has all of those things… Wealth/status/possessions, and she guards them with her life… But if I was to ask her, she would say that she is lonely and unhappy. I feel it in her vibe, as well. She has a happy soul, and she has plenty of people around her, but for the most part, she is lonely, and often gets depressed. That is likely because of the stress and anxiety that comes from the cultural expectation that she achieves something, and continues with the way of life that she is experiencing. But it would cost to her mental health and her happiness? I think I am a bit of a conundrum to her. She sees me able to do things that I think she wishes that she could do… I have mornings off, and I can sleep in if I want to. I don’t present to her as being stressed out all the time, even though I do my share. I think I’ve hidden it from her somewhat. I think she thinks that I am relatively carefree and happy, which is far from the truth, but I think I’m way more that way now that I am barely employed. I call myself semi employed, and semi retired.… that may have to change because my savings are going down, but that’s another story. So, I don’t think she has yet been able to wrap her head around what she thinks of my situation. I think she respects my choices, but she is up against the social pressures that say you need to be with someone who is financially secure, etc. There may be valid reasons for that, but there are equally as many valid reasons to choose what I do. As Bon Jovi sang… 🎶 it’s my life… It’s now or never… I ain’t going to live forever… I just wanna live while I’m alive… Life is like an open highway… Like Frankie said ‘I did it my way’… I just wanna live while I’m alive… It’s. My. Life.🎶 Touché 😂

Thank you for your thoughts, Bat. I enjoy reading your stories. One of the difficulties with writing on a forum like this is that one can’t always describe all the details that fall in between the stories that I write on here. Most of the time, stories that seem like judgment are not meant to be that way, but just to describe details. For example, I don’t really care at all if she buys expensive things for herself. I kind of feel good for her that she is able to do that, and I don’t think I feel any real resentment. I choose, the income bracket that I am in, and I have to take the consequences that come along with that. I’m completely OK with that. I remember walking through stores with her a couple of weekends ago and feeling really happy for her that she was able to look at different things and consider buying them for herself. I think I was even encouraging her to splurge on a few things to make herself happy. If I see her happy, it makes me happy. I may feel a little envious, but not really. I have much of what I want and what I need, and I don’t feel this big need to have more all the time. I think I’m in a good place in my head in regards to that. I haven’t felt any real judgment coming from her, regarding the way I live my life, with the exception of the hair thing, and maybe the strong chance that I won’t be able to travel with her the way that she may want. That’s kind of why I cornered her the other day and kind of said, “look, maybe after all of these things that you are saying, maybe we aren’t the best fit“. Maybe that was part manipulative as some of you have been saying, but part of that was looking at the facts. There’s part of me that is not sure how much I want to invest in something that is possibly going to fall apart in the future when she realizes that the fantasy she has may not be able to come to fruition. Does that make any sense? If looked at from that way, that’s not really manipulation, that’s basically putting your cards on the table. That’s how it felt to me at the time. Laying it out in front of her. That being said, I think I’ve written on here many times why I choose the lifestyle I do. I worked like a dog for 20 years in my profession, spent about seven years in college in my 30s and early 40s, and worked multiple jobs in my 20s just to make ends meet. I knew how to work. I was tired, and cranky, and groggy, and hugely stressed out all the time. Saturdays, my wife would hit the ground running asking what we were going to do all day, and I could barely function for half the day because I was coming down from being completely wiped out and exhausted all the time. then, on Sunday, I had to psychologically regroup because I was stressed out about the thought of having to do it all over again. Is that something that I would want for myself in my aging years? I don’t. I don’t want that for myself. I value the time I have on this earth enough to know that’s not what I want. Part of me thinks I would rather be poor and partially depressed than living like that. That’s the choice I’ve made. Her and I have talked about that, and I see the stress and chaos in her. I have repeatedly offered her support and empathy with how she feels, and what she is experiencing, even when she was having her “crazy moments”. I told her I get it, because I’ve lived it. So, we didn’t talk last night, since I offered to wait and talk today, and she took me up on it. But she described her day yesterday, and I think her head is just completely overloaded. She says that it is and I can hear it in her voice. She went on and on about how she had to go from one task to another the entire day off. she had to drive the hour each in heavy traffic to take her mother to appointment. Then, she had to drive an hour in the other direction to her own doctors appointment, which is related to the medical condition she had, which she said was found to be nothing, thankfully. And yes, I did forget she had even told me that story a couple of weeks ago about her needing tests… she didn’t get into a great amount of detail, so I forgot. My brain still has a fair amount of overload on it, as well, and I do forget details. Her and I are very alike in that way. She said yesterday was a blur, and she was exhausted and mentally drained. If anything, one of my biggest worries now is that she is going to start thinking that having this relationship is just too much for her to handle and that it is causing her too much logistical stress. Her comment on the phone this morning was, “this is what happens when I try to have fun on a weekend… Everything I have to do just gets piled up while I’m away, and then I am a mess afterward”. She didn’t say it was because of me specifically, because she likely would have gone to her beach, house, one way, or the other, whether she knew me or not. But I do take up a lot of her time in the evenings, when we talk, and on the way to her work in the morning, and when her and I see each other on her days off. I didn’t even want to bring up when we would see each other next, and I don’t think she is even thinking that far ahead. I think she presumed it won’t be until my next free weekend without my kid, which is more than a week away. I could certainly get up there this weekend for a few hours here, and there, when my kid is at work, but I’m almost unlikely to suggest it, considering when I asked her if she was going to be able to regroup this coming weekend by herself, she said she only had Sunday off because she has a friend coming in from out of town on Saturday, but she’s not entirely sure how long the friend will stay. That doesn’t sound like a great amount of time to regroup. She says she needs downtime, as I do. I have plenty of that, and if I didn’t, I’d be likely feeling the same way she is. Then, she has her vacation week the week after next, and she said this past weekend she was hoping I could take days off to be up at the beach house with her, and I had to groan inside with the idea that I can’t just easily take days off from my teaching business to go up there, and that I also have my kid on my usual days, so there’s gonna be no easy times for me to go up there. I may try to figure something out, since it’s summer time, and the kids I teach have more flexibility, so I may be able to sneak up there at some point. to answer rainbows question… I delete these posts, because sometimes I want to take a break from the distraction, and sometimes things are going well enough that I don’t need to purge what’s on my mind. I purge the darker thoughts that I have, and you guys don’t see a lot of the positive things, so to come to conclusions that her and I are simply not compatible, or that I am not happy, or that we don’t do fun things together, it’s not at all accurate. I wouldn’t be staying with her if we didn’t have a lot of those things going on. You hear pretty much about solely the darker things that go through my mind, for better for worse, Because that’s what is pressing at any given moment. I am also self-conscious about leaving this kind of stuff available online, because who knows who might eventually see it, and figure out who wrote it. I don’t want to be leaving paper trails much any longer, so yes, you will likely see this thread disappear in the not too distant future, as well. So, my biggest fear that I will probably carry a little bit throughout the day is whether or not this lady is going to back away of this relationship because of the logistics. I’m sure all the other factors are thrown in there, as well, but her being as stressed out over the last few days as she has been, and to the degree that she hasn’t really been able to get outside of her head to check in and say hi, makes me feel that something is unsustainable, either for her or for me. I really hope that’s not the case, but I’m wondering if the facts are leaning in that direction… i.e., tapering off of day-to-day correspondences, although it’s only been for the last little while… Extreme stress, and distraction on her part, which may or may not have anything to do with me, very little affectionate emojis or indicators through texts, which was always common, and also considerably less affection when I was up there over the weekend. Again, each of these things may or may not have anything to do with me, and may have more to do with where she is in her head with other things like responsibilities and career. she has said that she has been stressed out about those things, so maybe I’m just seeing them more and more since the “honeymoon phase” is starting to taper off to day-to-day reality. It’s not really totally clear which of those explanations may be true, although I probably have more facts, leaning toward that this is just a natural evolution of this particular relationship. I think if I was to ask her right now, she would say that yes, she is stressed out, but yes, she is happy with the way things are going. That could just be my wishful thinking, but I don’t think so. I think she really wants this to work out, and I think she really cares for me, as I do for her. That doesn’t mean they’re won’t be stressors, and then compatibilities, but isn’t that the case with almost every situation? It was a reasonably nice chat we just had on the phone for her drive to work, though. She told me how her days have been over the last few, and she asked me about mine. She wasn’t as bright and cheery, as she usually is, and I don’t know if that has anything to do with me or not. So, it is what it is. I can’t change whatever she is experiencing. I just need to keep moving forward, whether it’s with her or without. I do hope it’s with, but I also have to start being aware of what costs might be involved. If this turns into a similar situation with my ex-wife, where she’s stressed out all the time and can’t find a time or energy to self regulate, that could be problematic. But I don’t know that to be true yet. there’s still a lot of joy inside of her, and that’s what I find myself gravitating toward. This may just be a slightly slick patch, who knows.

Thoughtful questions and posting. Thank you. I would say that through the beginning of this past week, being with her has brought immense joy and value. It’s when I’m not with her that my mind begins to falter, and I worry that hers might start to drift, as well. this weekend was likely the most complicated, and it’s probably because we are letting our true nature is come out a bit more, and we are taking the rose colored glasses off, if you will. I still really like what I see, with some reservations. I suspect that’s the case with most couples, though. There is nothing terrible between us… If someone was to ask me what my biggest gripes were, I would likely say that I am starting to see anxiety and avoidant behavior with her, and that’s triggering to me. Also, clearly, for being a bit Jaggi here, and there hasn’t been great. Her tact during these conversations could use a bit of work. I bet if someone asked her what her grapes were about me, I’m willing to bet she would say that I overthink things way too much, to the point of it getting kind of invasive and annoying… That would really probably be the main thing for her. She might say that I try too hard to make her happy, which might make some people feel uncomfortable. Who knows.

I have plenty of autonomy, cat. I have every day of the week off, up until about 2 PM… And I do my activities. I go out for coffee in the morning a lot. This time of year I go out to farms and pick berries. Might go to the supermarket. Definitely have a lot to do around the house. She doesn’t sit still either when she has time off. That’s part of her problem. She doesn’t have a lot of time off that is not taken up with something else. She has a lot of people interested in seeing her, and she has a mother that is almost 90 that she pretty much cares for on her own. Neither her brother or sister live anywhere nearby, so whenever her mother needs to go somewhere, she pretty much Has to call the doctor lady. and she lives an hour away. It’s always hard for me to imagine how the doctor lady functions under such conditions. That’s why I’m trying to give her some space to self regulate. She needs it.

All true, and well said, blue. Thank you. She says she likes talking to me this much, and when we are talking, she seems really glad to be interacting. I don’t think she feels that comfortable talking to other people very much, so it’s meaningful that her and I can talk a lot and she can feel heard. That’s my take on it. when I see her, this much is clear… I really like her. I adore her. We enjoy each other’s company. It just seems to… Fit. These conversations about hair, and religion, seem to come a bit out of nowhere and cause havoc, whereas up and to those points, things just seemed to move rather easily. The fact that I get all worked up about stuff, like not hearing from her for a day and a half, those are my issues, obviously. As you say, she is busy and a high-ranking professional. She has her own issues, and she’s aware of them. There is likely a bit of dependency going on between us. Not likely, clearly. Lots of people are like that, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s a bad thing. I’m not sure what that means, yet. I was watching a really good video today about how to manage yourself if you’re feeling really insecure in a relationship. The presenter presented a lot of the same things that we talk about on here, so it wasn’t particularly new, but it was good to hear what she was saying. Yeah, in a nutshell, she was saying that we have to learn that what we feel when we become dysregulated in such times does not mean that something bad is going to happen or that what we feel is inherently bad. It’s just a feeling. We can learn to understand that feelings don’t necessarily equate to facts, and if we allow ourselves to simply feel emotions, when we are anxious about something, we can then learn to compartmentalize those feelings and learn to look beyond them. She used the antidote of being hungry if you are trying to lose weight. Just because you are hungry, doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to eat. If you can become used to the feeling of being hungry, and separate that from the need to eat… Just allow yourself to feel hungry, and be OK with that, there is more likelihood that you can then make the better choice of not eating. I may not have presented that well, but you get the idea. Like today… I was very anxious. Maybe something was wrong. I started thinking about the facts. The facts didn’t entirely support that likelihood. Maybe a small possibility? Perhaps. But the overwhelming majority of the facts seemed to indicate that there was likely nothing really wrong other than she is very tired, perhaps, from even being ill. I’m a little worried about that. She said she was having some tests at some point soon, and I can’t remember if it had something to do with some sort of lump in an area where there may be lymph nodes. It sounded suspicious. I’ll have to ask her again about it. I forgot about it. I hope that’s not why she’s been feeling tired and down for the last few days. When I saw her this weekend, I think I saw a little bit of what she can be like when she is dysregulated. It’s not great. She was anxious, even a bit snappy, definitely on overload. It was not a good look for her. But I do get it. When I worked all the time, I got like that as well. That’s not a feeling I ever want to feel again, which is one of the reasons, as I tell her, that I’m not keen on ever having to work like a dog like that again. Life is too short to feel that kind of fatigue and stress. But then, on the other hand, I have to deal with way too much free time, and the possibility of becoming depressed, because I lack contact with people. Who knows which is worse, but I suspect I’m much happier Now than I was when I worked full time, that’s for sure.

I think you are correct. I just don’t think she has it in her to feel challenged by her dating life by any of her colleagues. She is very shy and introverted, even worse than me in many ways. She can’t imagine how I have the confidence to stand up in front of people and play music. I think she had some sort of hero worship when she found out I did that. To me it’s no big deal. I’m an Asian rock and roller that plays in a very mediocre cover band. To me that’s almost the dreggs of music performance… 🙂 another example… She has a cousin that wanted to come up and visit her today. Originally she asked if I was available, and it wasn’t just because she thought I would enjoy it, but I think she felt she needed the padding… Because I think it makes her feel anxious to entertain people on her own like that, without somebody else to take off some of the pressure. That’s how I am, as well, so I get it. I wouldn’t be grudge her doing that, because I feel the exact same way about that kind of thing. I would love to have her around if I was going out to dinner with somebody I hadn’t seen for a long time. Just takes the pressure off of shy people like us.

That’s a good question, Bat. She told me some financial details regarding the beach house over the weekend… For example, she said that she has to pay $20,000 a year for the taxes on this place. I didn’t really understand why she’s the only one paying those taxes, considering that the house really belongs to the entire family. She also put $300,000 in to it after on money, so I suspect she’s paying on that. She says that the rest of the family really doesn’t put a dime into the place, but uses the place whenever they are around. Seems patently unfair to me, which I kind of said, but she didn’t seem to think there was much alternative. She’s not demanding and not aggressive in financial matters, I think. I think that’s why she’s paranoid about money. She presents as being cash broke, which is hard to imagine with her profession, but I’m not one to doubt what she is saying. She spends money almost the same exact way that I do, and as if every penny counts. But then on the other hand, will buy a $300 purse. I think that’s just how people in her income bracket sometimes operate. They’ll take the big things that they want, but really cheap out on the day to day.

I am not entirely sure I see what you are seeing as being so much wrong. Because we have an income disparity? Because she’s much more conservative in presentation than I am? Because she feels awkward presenting me with long hair to her professional colleagues? I don’t really talk about the things that much that we have in common, and that we enjoy together. First and foremost, we are becoming really good friends. That accounts for tons. I also haven’t said that the attraction is fading. The chemistry is still pretty strong between us. Don’t forget, we are both 61 years old… And our age, I think priorities begin to shift. Friendship, and feeling good about each other rises to the top, where it should be, above so many other priorities. I can talk to her in ways that I don’t think I often could with almost any other partner I’ve had. But, I can’t really put myself back in those places with any kind of real accuracy, because they were such a long time ago. The doctor in lady and I do think a lot alike in so many strange ways. She had been saying fairly often that she thought the universe kind of arranged for her and I to meet. Seems like that conversation has been tapered off a bit with the onset of these latest red flags. Isn’t it likely that every couple that gets together struggles with things that they are going to find difficult within each other? She has never said anything about not wanting to continue forward. She’s constantly talking about the future, despite these problems. It has toned down over the last week, which is probably why I’ve been more anxious. That could be just in my head, or it could be, realistic apprehension. I don’t yet feel the need to back away. As I said earlier, she has so much going for her, and we have so much going for us as a couple, despite the setbacks. I think it would be fairly tragic to see this thing implode. It may very well, but it would likely be due to my own incapacity to let things be what they are, similar to how I was incapable of doing that with my ex-wife. Of course, if the doctor lady starts taking on more of the characteristics of my ex-wife, that could be troublesome, although, I think the doctor lady is much more likely to be able to let go and just have fun then my ex-wife could. She could only to that under certain circumstances. I didn’t really wanna live like that. The doctor lady might pull up some of those same triggers for me, but I’m not counting on it yet.

Perhaps. It’s been more than a month, if That means anything. First time I got together with her was April 30. So we’ve known each other, and have been showing interest in each other for 10 weeks… Which is still new. we’ve been sleeping with each other regularly for about six of those weeks, I’d say. Maybe eight. It’s been pretty intense… And it’s settling into a routine now. I like it. I hope it stays that way. Yes, some of the sheen is wearing off, replaced by routine and comfort, but that was almost expected, particularly at our age, maybe? just speculating.

And to answer blue’s question… I left her house Monday morning, and we talked for the full 45 minute ride home… By phone when we were driving… Then we talked that night video call for probably 45 minutes… But it was yesterday morning that it went South, and she said she was tired and cranky… then I didn’t hear from her last night or This morning. Update… I just got a nice new text from her now, saying she’s been running around all day and is already exhausted… But she should be home and we will talk after 7 PM. And then a heart emoji. That’s felt nice. As usual, I was my typical passive self and said something like, “text me when you are in and settled and I will call you then” rather than just call her when she said she hoped we would talk. It feels wishy-washy that I say stuff like that. I put all the power in her court, and take away a lot of my own initiative to make decisions on our behalf. I do that a lot, as well, though.

I think that’s why it is up to me as to whether or not I feel like I can fit in her world. The fact that I have gotten as far as I have, Sindy, is an indicator that I often do feel that it is not a better or worse situation, and that we are both equal in so many ways… But by having the hair conversation, it makes me feel that she isn’t able to manage that part of being with somebody who is different than she is. But that just might be my head trying to wrap itself around something that will give me an out… So I don’t have to Work hard at something that is going to pit me against myself. I think ultimately, she is worth it. She treats me nicely… We have fun together… We are a good team together… And we can have difficult conversations without them getting too far off the rails. Why would I not want to continue trying to fight myself to make this work? It’s not like I have opportunities like this come along every day. I’m with someone who I know cares about me a lot. Should the fact that she seems to want to bend me to be what she would prefer me to be be a dealbreaker? I’m not so sure. I’m a bit confused by that. Maybe I am trying to do the same with her when I encourage her to lighten up with the amount of cleaning work she seems to feel like she needs to do. Who knows. Getting to know someone like this can be very hard work, clearly.

I don’t think it’s unusual for there to be a ton of excitement brewing in the first weeks and even months of getting to know someone… The excitement of finding out all the things that you have in common, and all the things you look forward to doing together. We certainly had that in spades. I guess I think of the common term honeymoon phase and interpret its ending as meaning that the initial excitement is starting to wear off, and the reality of real life sets in. I think that’s almost exactly the point her and I are at. I actually am trying hard to look forward to that transition. It’s not easy for me, for all the reasons i’ve talked about many times… Insecurity/not being able to fit in her world/losing myself in her, etc.. I think it may even be harder for her. To her, now there are more hands on her time, more demands for her to be looking at things from different perspectives and someone getting into her business, so to speak. I think that may be what I am encountering. I think for her, and I shouldn’t probably speak for her, but if I was, she used to always say that she liked that I was different than the other guys she’s dated… And that I was the first guy she has ever dated that has been so interested in what she has to say, and her feelings, and getting to know her on a much more personal level. I have enjoyed doing that, and not because I’m trying to, that’s just how I interact. but it might be harder for her… Suddenly she has someone in her life that is different than her norms and traditions. I think it hits herself against her own expectations . At first, I thought she thought it was interesting and unique… But beyond the beauty there are always cracks that appear. Like my hair… Like my religion… Like my disinterest in feeling like I need to appease the wants or interests of distant others. Those may be hard for her. That’s real life, and defies fantasy. I have always said to her that I would do what I could to make things easy for her in her life and to try to make her happy… That includes if she wants me to put my hair up in a ponytail if we go out to professional engagements. It’s not the end of the world. I wish that she would respect me enough to know that I can handle myself in almost any kind of situation like that, and that if someone thinks badly of me or judges me because of those things, they would not be somebody I would have much interest in getting to know anyway. I pretty much told her that, and I believe it, but she says that this is the real world, and she has to work in it And get along with the others, and so I guess I kind of get that. if this conversation ever came up again, about the hair thing, part of me has thought about using an analogy like this… Although I know it would be a very bad idea to do so… “dr. lady, what if you were to put yourself on the other side of this conversation… Let’s say, one day, I invited you to a musical performance, and I said to you… Dr. lady, I love you just how you are, but I think you would look much better if you dyed your hair purple. All the people that will be at my gig kind of respond more to people that die their hair different colors… And don’t you wanna look better? Purple hair would make you look better“ I tend to think that if I used that anecdote, she would probably never speak to me again… But it’s so true. That’s pretty much kind of what she’s saying to me from the opposite perspective. How easily should a partner be able to manage when they hear something like that? It feels like it has taken a chunk out of my heart, and I wasn’t expecting that from her. part of me is torn between the thought that this conversation may have been a bit of a dealbreaker for me, and whether I can ever really feel that I trust her emotionally again, or that my brain is just making up this as an excuse to not have to work hard at maintaining a relationship. After all, no two people are going to see everything exactly the same, and there’s always gonna be times where we step on each other’s toes, right? Is that simply one of those? I get some of you are going to think that it was highly insensitive of her to say those things, and there are equally as many that think that she was just being honest. Still, if your partner discredits you like that, even if it is in superficial ways, is that something you just get over and move on from?

Excellent questions and thoughts, Lootie. Thank you.. for sure the honeymoon phase is wearing off. That has been fairly evident over the last few weeks. if I had to say what I feel, rather than what it is, I would say that I feel that the honeymoon phase wearing off has been harder for her than it has been for me, but that’s just from my own gut reactions. But then again, I may be projecting. I believe we really enjoy each other’s company. If I had to predict, I think she is more set in her ways than I am, despite the things that may seem otherwise that I write on here. Everything has a perfect place in her beach house, and nothing else is acceptable. She works hard to keep it that way, but it clearly runs her ragged. I definitely get that, and I have tried to respect it, but it is very anxiety prone for her. Me, too… I don’t wanna have to be working away all weekend if we go somewhere. I think the biggest part lies with whether she will be able to accept me for my limitations. She knows what they are, because we’ve talked about them, and I make it clear that I come with limitations. Yes, I could go out and get a “real“ job, and I’m surprise she hasn’t pushed that a bit. Or, I could cut my hair to make her happy. When I was talking to her about that a few weeks ago, it was a trim, but I think she was hoping I was going to do a lot more than that. One would not even really be able to notice I got it cut. when I think of the DBT skills that I could be using, I don’t know what they call them, but if I look at the facts, there shouldn’t be any new problems going on right now… Unless a few days away has exacerbated some of the already existing problems. when I talked on the phone with her on Monday night, she seemed like she was in a really good space, and we literally laughed hysterically for about 10 minutes and couldn’t stop. Only the second time her and I have ever done that. She seem to be in a really decent place. Not so much the next morning. that’s why I am in a pickle as to whether or not to reach out to her right now. Maybe it could be helpful to say hi, so that she knows I’m thinking about her, rather than wondering why I haven’t said anything to her today. On the other hand, she may not even be thinking about it, and just going about her day, knowing that we will catch up at sometime soon, and also knowing that I have my kid with me right now, which she probably would say makes it harder for me to break away to call. It isn’t, but that’s probably what she might be thinking. As for the fantasy part of it… There is no doubt that there has been fantasy on my part, but I get this feeling that there may even be more fantasy on her part. Someone that “gets” her oddity and her quirks, as she calls them. early last weekend, I was feeling somewhat estranged from her, probably after the night she was cranky, and as we were going to sleep, or maybe as we were both awake in the night, I got a sense that we were both feeling estranged, although I can’t say for sure that she was… In the dark, without having talked about anything else for quite a while, so it was completely silent… I said to her, “I’m sorry I can’t be what you want me to be“. I think she must’ve known what I was talking about, and she said something like… “But you are, you get all of my little quirks And you accept me anyway”. I had to think a little bit about what that meant in the overall scheme of things, but one way or the other, I can somewhat appreciate what she said. Didn’t have anything really to do with me, but nevertheless.

Hugely insightful and thoughtfully written, blue. Thankfully, after that first conversation about hair this weekend, I had a chance to drive for a couple of hours back home before I returned, and I thought a lot about the hair thing and whether it really should be a big deal. It was really about her own insecurities of being judged, and maybe labeled, perhaps, because she’s a doctor lady that’s dating someone of a bohemian… I guess I can see how that could be a bit unnerving for her. She feels she’s got a reputation to uphold. But that’s just ego stuff. But as you say, I have to be thinking about how someone else’s sharp edges are going to affect me. So far, it’s been just these talks. Every moment we’ve spent together, outside of those conversations, have been awesome. That’s why I am tempted to let go of these conversations. But I’m kind of afraid to. As I said to her, I fear the worst. That’s what you just said. I have a good reason to feel the worst. She knows why I fear the worst. She knows all my bad stories now. The weekend before last I told her about all of my terrible experiences… Losing my career, etc. Losing multiple other jobs for stupid reasons… the next day, she said she didn’t think those made her believe any differently about me. I wish I felt that to be true now. She said she was thankful that I was able to open up to her about some of these skeletons. I wish I felt her thankfulness. So now there is silence… Maybe I said something that irritated her over the weekend? I couldn’t say. Maybe the hair conversation got under her skin, or the fact that I challenged her on it, perhaps making her feel a little bit uncomfortable, because it put the point her back towards her own insecurities. maybe she didn’t like what I had to say about the conversation when we got up there, and how she was describing how she gets anxious like that when she’s under stress. Maybe I was a bit too preachy in responding to that. I don’t know, but as has been said… Do I really want to be feeling like this all the time? Like I may not be measuring up, or I’m waiting for the other foot to fall? I feel so good when things are moving forward with her… Every minute of the time we spent together is generally good, until we have those conversations, or until she gets stressed out. That’s really only happened in a major way just that once. Although, I have to say, she was willing to work like a dog for about two hours to get that beach house, spotless before we left. I helped in every way I could, and we worked well as a team, but even on the way back, she said to me “you are right, we have to figure out a way to not have to be cleaning the whole time we are up there“. I did have some suggestions, but for the most part, I remained relatively out of that comment. I kind of just wanted to say, “well, the place doesn’t have to be perfectly spotless, you know. There are things that might be more important”. I’m sure I’ll end up saying that at some point, and it may not go over well. I just wish I knew what was going on with her right now and what she might need from me, if anything. If she hasn’t reached out, there’s only one of several things a.). She’s probably a bit cranky, which she said she was very cranky yesterday morning, and maybe she doesn’t want to spread that over onto me or let me see it… B) she’s been running around all day, taking care of things, and she has been saying that it’s been hard for her to do that since we’ve been together, and it’s been the same with me, but she knows I have much of each day free to be able to take care of things… she knows we will likely be talking at some point today, so she’s just being the doctor lady. C) she’s upset about something I said, or did, or conversations we had, and she just is struggling with it. C, is the only one I truly dread, and it’s the only one I would have a hard time handling. The others aren’t great, but perhaps they are part of getting to know someone. I also don’t really know what to say to her next time I talk with her. Part of me wants to say, “you know, that’s probably the longest in six weeks that we haven’t spoken to each other… Is there anything on your mind that you may want to talk about, or that you’ve been having a hard time with?” Partly also knows that that seems a bit manipulative, because that is likely more about my needs than hers, and I don’t wanna come across as needy, and if anything, I probably displayed a lot of that over the last bunch of weeks. Although, I’ve been much better at not displaying that, as well. if I ask her, if she’s upset about anything I did, or said, that also feels really needy on my part, although, in a better world, it wouldn’t… A partner would feel that it would be easy to put those fears to rest, given that she knows of my traum and history. I am presuming. I will talk with her at some point today, but if it’s not me reaching out to her, I worry that we may not speak, and my anxiety will go up even more. It’s usually me that reaches out to her, so I don’t even know if maybe she’s wondering why I haven’t reached out to her today. These are also complicated, I don’t even know what to do.

Yes, ask far as I know, we are exclusive. She refers to me as her boyfriend, and she is still describing things in the future tense, so, as far as I know, we are official… Although, it’s began to settle down a bit… Become routine, maybe? I’ve noticed a drop off in her demeanor… A lot less lovey-dovey, and excited… A lot fewer texts during the day, although she sent me a really sweet one on Monday morning, which would have just been hours after I last saw her… a lot less willing to be intimate, all of that was only for one weekend for the aforemention reasons… So, my logic doesn’t add up that there is any problem… Unless, of course, the last few days has got her thinking about things… And that’s what I am the most worried about. But, yes, today I’m giving her space. But that worries me, as well, since I don’t know if that’s going to tell her something… There are times that I wonder if my main function is one of distraction for her. I mean, there is a little bit of that with all couples… We keep each other company and we take up some much-needed space in each other’s minds… I’m OK with that, because I need that, too, since we are social creatures… but there are times that I wonder if it is this need of hers to have somebody nearby that is driving her willingness to make sacrifices for me, like her religious belief, her determination to not feel uncomfortable with me in public, Etc. Those should be deal breakers for a lot of people, but she seems to be willing to put those aside… I have to wonder if that’s because they are not as important to her, or because she is settling just to have somebody that treats her nicely to take up space with her. That may be a little bit of projection, as well, because those lenses could definitely be flipped… Am I with her just because I can’t find anybody else? There may be a small part of that, but unlike almost anyone I’ve ever dated, I feel really at home with this lady. We are so much alike rather than different.

Valid thoughts, cat. at the time, I thought I was being truthful. I thought I was giving her an out. I didn’t feel like I was being manipulative, but I can’t tell. I told her directly that I wasn’t crazy about what she was saying regarding my hair. I think she respected my fortitude about that. But these red flags are kind of what I’m thinking right now. How am I going to live up to all of these expectations with her? That’s pretty much what I was trying to say to her. I can’t tell if it’s part of my avoidant attachment disabilities to think about pushing her away under the circumstances, but because she’s really a very nice lady, and I really do like her a lot. I love her, but do I really want to have to feel like I’m not measuring up in somebody else’s world? I’m not sure I want to live the rest of my life like that. It may not be that big of a deal, and it could be all in my head. We operated as a pretty decent team this past weekend, fixing things up around her house, going for walks, talking, etc. That was really the only downside, was the hair conversation. That conversation seemed to end well, where I backed down and told her that I was likely overreacting to her hair critiques, and we both agreed it wasn’t that big of a deal… I’m trying not to see my part of it as manipulative, but I suppose it very well could be. It was also an attempt on my part to see how serious she was with some of these things she was thinking about. Afterwards, she said she didn’t think they were a big deal, and she was happy with the way we were talking about them and trying to figure out each other’s needs. That seemed good. She seemed to be able to let it go. I am trying to let ot go, but I’m wondering if that’s why there’s this stretch of silence which is hugely uncharacteristic. There’s been barely a day in the last six weeks I haven’t heard from this lady, either very early in the morning, or in the evening. Didn’t hear from her last night, presumably, because she went to bed early… and that can easily check out because she told me yesterday morning she felt off and tired. But then the nothingness this morning gives me great concern. Why would someone that you have spent greater parts of every week with for the last six weeks just suddenly not text in the morning, given that we have spoken every morning for about that same period of time? that would tell the average person that either their partner doesn’t want to talk to you for whatever reason, or she’s just too far in her own head this morning to break out of it. That’s what it felt like when I first arrived there last Friday… She was so far in her own head that she barely had space to even acknowledge that I came in the room. that’s tough for me, given that I am still quite sensitive about where her and I are going. She keeps saying things that indicate that I’ll be around for a while, but then, when I get the latest notion that maybe I won’t be, I start to get really anxious, like I am today. That feels like a tough way for me to move forward. So, it’s afternoon here now, I’m wondering should I just sent her a quick hello, or just wait it out?

You are not really giving him anything to go on, so why would he push forward? He’s getting a chill from you, and perhaps that’s appropriate, but perhaps not. You will never know until you find out more information. It’s pure speculation at this point. only you will be able to fully know in your heart whether you think he is playing you or not. I haven’t really heard anything that makes me believe that he is just trying to play you. But there’s no real way for me to know as an outsider. Perhaps, the next step, if you are at all interested, is to open up a dialogue with him that would be relevant… “Hey, Mr. Italian guy, it’s nice to hear from you, but last we spoke, we were moving on… Has something changed for you that should make me think that things are different?“ Something like that. This would be proactive, and direct, without blowing him off, completely, for not giving him any reason to think you might still be thinking of him. Just my thoughts on the matter… 🙂

I don’t necessarily see it that way. I haven’t read your entire thread recently, to see if there has been any new developments with the Italian guy, but it could be simply that he’s reaching out to say hi. See how you are. See if you are interested in talking more. It doesn’t have to be more complicated than that. You don’t have to read anything more into it than that. I am certainly not the pillar of romantic gestures, for sure, but I think if I were going to reach out to someone I haven’t spoken to in over a month, that would be pretty much what I would say… There’s nothing overly sophisticated about it… He figures if you want to answer and continue conversation, you will.

Thank you everyone… Some really solid responses here. Wish I felt I had it in me and had the time to respond to each and everyone. They have all been valid. I haven’t felt any negativity. All good… 🙂 I guess this will be a long post. Not for those who don’t have a tendency to want to read through a lot of stuff… here goes: This past weekend was complicated, but overall fairly good. It didn’t start off that way. I hadn’t seen the doctor lady for a few days, and when I arrived at her house to make the hour long trip up to her beach house, I encountered a very different person. She had just come home from work a few hours earlier, and she was running around in the garage like crazy. She didn’t even look at me when I came in the door… Which is highly unusual. typically, she’ll come right over and give me a nice hug, and we will kiss with a smile. I almost always have a sense of feeling welcomed and valued. Not this time. I think one of the first things that happened when I saw her is that me she asked me to do something. OK. More than happy to, but I felt very ignored. I am getting much better at knowing that not all people are going to be in the same frame of mind that I am, and that people have different modes of connection. I was trying to understand that in these moments, but it wasn’t easy. I started to feel self-conscious, as if may be some of the conversations we have been having, were rising to the surface, or she was just getting bored of seeing me. I don’t know. Eventually, when we got up there, she had simmered down, and somehow the conversation came up about her frame of mind when I got there. She said something like, “now you’ve seen me in my crazy mind“. I am OK with that, as long as I understand it, and know what to expect… I guess. But am I really? I don’t know. That’s how my ex-wife was most of the time, and it caused a lot of problems. Perhaps most people have these frames of mind, I don’t know. Guess I’m not most people. But I have my problematic state of mind, as well, as you know. People are different. So, as time went on, things were going OK… And then the topic of hair came up, I think the next morning. She hit a little harder on the topic of my hair, saying stuff like, “I don’t understand with such a cute face like yours you wouldn’t wanna look better by putting your hair up in a ponytail like I just did“. I responded by saying that better was a matter of opinion. That I liked my hair the way that it is, and it’s a rock ‘n’ roll tradition for me. Almost a right of passage. I mean, I know, I’m outside the norm there, and I’m OK with that. She went on to say that she was still worried that if she invited me out to professional outings that she would feel awkward, and being the socially sensitive person that she is, she doesn’t want to have to feel awkward or feel like she has to explain herself… Something like that. That felt highly manipulative to me, and also very selfish, despite the fact that she said to me that she didn’t think I was thinking of other people when I was telling her that I thought that it’s really more about the other person if they have a problem with my long hair. Why would I feel the need to validate myself with people who would judge me by how I look for how long my hair is? I think I covered that earlier. She said it’s the world we live in, and that I am ignoring that and giving people a reason to be judgmental. Eventually, I think I told her that I would be more than happy to do what I needed to do to make her happy under those circumstances, but I also expected my partner to allow me to be who I am, and respect that and allow me to live the life that I feel is authentic for me. She seemed to respond to that, and the following day she mentioned she thought she was happy with the conversation. It took me a while to come to grips with that conversation, and I had to think about it a while, and let it go, up with the understanding that not everyone is going to like how I have my hair, and it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to be a dealbreaker. It kind of made me think it was kind of a shallow conversation, though, but I have to perhaps understand that she’s within a professional circle that likely has very conservative values on stuff like that. Not sure that necessarily excuses what I think it’s fairly narrow minded behavior, but I have to take the good with the bad. I do know that she is so loving and decent and giving in so many other ways that I have to navigate this, or not. I guess I will choose to navigate it. At what cost, though? Now that I think of it, at some point, I started to get fairly clear minded with her, and say something like… “You know, this is now the third thing that seems to be a red flag for you, and if that’s the case, maybe we should start thinking about whether or not we are really the right fit for each other, because right now I’m kind of getting a sense that I may not be able to fit into your life the way you think I should”. She was quite startled by that conversation, and began getting a little upset, and telling me that it sounded like I was expecting her to know all these things right away, and come up with an answer. I assured her that’s not what I was saying, and the topic began to die out. I guess if I’m still thinking about it and writing about it, it must still be distracting me. Not sure what to think about it. Ultimately, I think we would want to be with somebody that values, and will except you for who you are, which is what I said to her. I don’t know what all that says, in the greater scheme of things. The rest of our weekend went quite well. She even asked me to stay over on a work night from Sunday into Monday, and I got up with her and saw her off to work, and everything seemed like it was going fairly well. We weren’t intimate… Meaning, we didn’t have sex the whole weekend… Because, although, this may be TMI, she said she has some sort of condition that makes her quite sensitive to pain, and that she was still kind of recouping from the week before, which was fairly active in those regards. OK, I have similar issues, so I’m good with that. But I wondered if she was coming up with reasons to kind of avoid that kind of intimacy. Can’t yet say. History will reveal that. Onto this morning that I am a lot more reactive, and a bit dysregulated. But Her and I have talked every morning and every evening for probably the last month and a half. It’s always happy and easy and fun. Last night was different, and I know that there is no evidence to feel fear, but I do, maybe because of the interactions we had over the weekend… Hair… Religion the week before… Etc. I think I’m going to be easily triggered to feel like I’m walking on eggshells. So, yesterday morning, I called her on her way to work, and she seemed really down. She said she was really tired, even though I certainly didn’t keep her up the night before I tried to respect her sleep needs. So, I asked her if she wanted to spend her 45 minute drive without having to manage talking to me, and just have some downtime, and she seemed OK with talking, but she said may be a shorter call… All good. She perked up a bit as the conversation went on, and it seemed like we were in a good spot. She is still talking about future life events with me long into the future… “If we ever get any other animals… They definitely won’t be sleeping on the bed…“ That kind of thing. Still shows a future that she sees with me in it, so I left that conversation feeling that I haven’t blown it and that it’s not going to cave in. She knows that’s my greatest fear and she tries to be sensitive about it. She had said in the morning that she had a lot to do that night, and I told her that if she needed to skip our usual talk before bedtime, I would understand. And I would. Or would I? I don’t know. I would always make time to talk to my partner before bed, even if for two minutes to say good night. Later in the day, I texted her a nice meme, and she texted one back…but around 6:30 PM, she texted me “I’m going to go to bed now, so I’ll talk to you tomorrow“. I responded by saying “have a nice snooze, dear lady… If you find yourself awake later, I’ll be up… LY ❤️❤️”. She read it two minutes later, but didn’t respond. I mean, is it too much for me to expect that the person you’re dating responds to a nice good night like that? Could just be smiley faces or hearts, or at least some thing? I have tried not to feel avoided. I guess I’m starting to see that she has avoidant tendencies. That worries me. It probably shouldn’t, and I’m looking at all the facts behind why I feel what I do. Other than the aforementioned things that she has brought up recently, things have been going OK. But how do I really know? I don’t. so I have to just assume that things are fine, and she’ll tell me if they are not. But I don’t even know she will tell me if they are not. Not yet, anyway. I have this dreaded fear that I’m going to get a call or a text and she’ll say something like, “you know, I’ve been thinking about a lot of the things we’ve been talking about, and I think I agree that you and I are just not going to work out in the long run” Although, part of me would understand what she is saying… Given our differences, I would still be devastated, and sent back into the dark world that I spent so many years and over the past while, and most of my adult life. That’s not a place that I want to be. So, it’s approaching mid morning, and this is probably the latest in a day since I’ve practically known her that I haven’t heard from her or I haven’t texted her back. We did have a conversation, maybe the one on the way to work yesterday, where she was saying that it is a bit of a challenge to balance being in a relationship and trying to get the proper amount of sleep and downtime. I might’ve started that conversation, but I’m wondering if that is a predictor of what I’m experiencing now. She may just be taking the time she needs to be in her own head and concentrate on the things that she needs. I completely get it, but if I hadn’t spoken to somebody that I had engaged with every morning and every night for weeks, and I missed a night like we did last night, the first thing I’d be doing in the morning would be texting or calling. Not today for her. I’m trying not to read too much into this, but even typing it out, it’s pretty clear that I am. I’m feeling like I’m slipping a little bit on the priority list, possibly? She does say she has the capacity to get depressed and down a fair amount, and I’ve seen that, so maybe that’s what I am encountering, who knows. Thanks for reading. I know this is more of a purge than it is and ask for help, because I think I already know the answer. I have to be distracted and go do other things and not be thinking about it. And I’m getting better at doing that. Somewhat. So I guess the one question I am bouncing back-and-forth… Do I check in with her, to show consistency and thoughtfulness, or just go silent and let her reach out when she’s ready? Haven’t decided yet. Before we were really steady and considered ourselves partners, which I think is pretty clear now, (but it would be interesting to hear her response If I asked her that), on days like today, I would just wait it out and eventually she would check in. I do have a concern that if I wait it out today, she might be wondering, why I’m not pursuing. Don’t know if we are still in that stage. She seems pretty solid in the thought that her and I are together and her lack of connection today would probably be nothing to her, because she knows we’ll talk later. But I don’t know that. My anxious attachment style never feels that anything is a given or solid. And considering the complicated conversations of the last few weeks, I feel even less likely to believe that her and I are as solid as she sometimes seems to indicate. Anyways, I guess I better get a life and get moving and get on with my day… Thank you for reading… 🙂

Very likely all true… But, as I get to know more about attachment style theory, there is no question that my main style is anxious. I completely am terrorize thought of being abandoned or being left… The theory often states that all of these attachment styles are pretty much developed from infancy, although I wouldn’t necessarily believe that my childhood was that fraught with trauma that it should have cultivated this kind of abandonment anxiety. Yes, here I am. I suspect that my pathetic anxious-ridden soul is likely looking for reasons to disengage, and she may be doing the same thing, who knows. Part of me hates to make a mistake… And then end up feeling more alone in a relationship than I might have otherwise, wishing for the perfect match. We actually sat and watched a really good set of attachment videos the other day, and she was glued to the screen. I suspect that she is a bit avoidant, but I’m probably way more anxious than either of us with any style.

Very insightful post, rainbow. Thank you. I haven’t talked to my therapist in about three weeks, due to vacations, etc. I’ll talk to her next week, although I thought about trying to reach her for a impromptu session today, but didn’t. I am having a hard time discerning whether I am an avoidant or anxious attachment style. Many theorist suggest that people can actually oscillate between the two and have multiple characteristics, although they will center on one or the other. I’m tempted to say I’m more anxious attachment, but maybe you have another thought on that?