Whirling D

This one is a bit obscured, because it’s me at a gig, and it was a year ago in the winter. This is probably how long my hair was before. I got it cut a few weeks ago. I purposely picked one that is a little less clear, just out of embarrassment… 🤢

Let me think about that. Let me see if I have a photo that represents it well. Nowadays, I usually wear some sort of hat, because I’m quite balding… I parted in the middle with no bangs. I had a cut a few weeks ago, and prior to that it was probably 4 to 6 inches down from my shoulders, now it is probably right at or a couple of inches past my shoulders. clean is all relative. Nobody would know how much I do or don’t wash my hair. She said that sometimes it looks scraggly, but I also told her that I brush it before I go anywhere, so I don’t know when she would have seen it like that. But it is long, so it will get straggly on its own if I’ve been out for a while. I don’t really know what this all tells you.

Maybe… I hear what you are saying. I think in my case, the pickin’s are slim, so most of my analyzing comes from my anxiety, and that likely comes from me believing that she is going to eventually leave. I won’t be good enough for her. That’s part of my attachment expectation. So I’m looking for clues, and in search of evidence that maybe that’s not the case. because good things like this, haven’t come to me easily. Hardly ever, particularly with a lady in which things started off so promisingly.

If she ends up, inviting me, and I expect she will, that’s the only choice I have, and I will do what I always do… I may tell her I’m a bit anxious going in, which she would expect, and she would likely say to me, under certain similar circumstances, and I’ll walk in with a smile on my face and my hand out open to greet them. I’m certainly not the life of the party, but I usually approach people with a smile on my face, and a willingness to engage. I think she admires that a little bit, because I suspect it’s hard for her to do that. She is much more reserved and quiet than I am under such circumstances. At least that’s what she has said. She didn’t say a lot to the ladies at the blueberry stand, either, but she may have chirped in a little, I don’t remember.

Jaunty… she made it pretty clear what her issue was with the hair thing at her professional gatherings. She said she’s too shy and awkward to wanna have to deal with anybody that might have any problem with it. Those aren’t the exact words, but pretty close. You can draw your own conclusion with that. Everyone has a different take on it. And also, I can only really think that there was one conversation about my hair prior to that one, and it was wsy back near the end of April when I was on vacation. Other than that, it hasn’t really come up until she brought it up at the beach house during that conversation. It came up a second time that weekend, or the next weekend, which is where I kind of got a little bit defensive about it. As I believe I should have. But everybody has a different take on it.

It’s not like that Sindy. The things that we did when she was at my house that I took her out to do were different than anything she normally would do. For example, I found this lovely little remote blueberry farm near me and we went to pick some berries for about 25 minutes. I thought it was awesome, and she seemed to enjoy it. She said she’s never picked any kind of berries before, so it was a new experience for her. At the end, I was chatting with the owner for about 10 minutes, and she was fairly quiet, and then in the car I asked her if she had been getting antsy while I was chatting, and she said she was because she was getting hot. It was fairly hot that day, and I think she was standing in the sun, which she doesn’t like to do without sunscreen. I think later that night we went out and had homemade ice cream at this cool little farmstand near here. Not exactly nightlife, and ice cream isn’t her favorite thing in the world, but we enjoyed each other‘s company. Overall it was a pretty low profile weekend. I believe it was at the end of that weekend when we were Hanging out embracing for our last moments that she thanked me specifically for all the different things that we did. That was very sweet of her, and it meant a lot to me that she did that. I’ve done that with her, as well. now I remember about what we were talking about recently that referred to her and I doing things in the future… When she was at my house the weekend before last, I sat with her while she watched about three episodes of a drama show on Netflix. I sat next to her and kept an eye on the show and worked on my guitar at the same time. i’ve already told this story, but as we were preparing to leave, I told her not to continue watching it when she got home, because I would enjoy watching it with her. She seemed happy that I said that, and had a look on her face of appreciation that and joy I was willing to sit with her in the future watch the shows with her. I think she was kind of surprised! She knows, and has a bit of reservation, about the fact that I told her when I met her it was hard for me to sit idle like that for Any length of time. I think it was meaningful to her but I offered to do that in the future. so, I think it was last night… When she was sitting in front of the TV when I video called, I joked with her and said, “so… Did you watch any more of that show that we were watching?” She replied with kind of a smile on her face and said, “No… Because you told me not to, and said that we would watch it together…!“ so, the more I think about it, the more I think that this is mostly in my head… Mostly but not all.

If it were up to me, I’d like to be going out and doing something almost every weekend… Even on a work night. Nothing big… Just to go out for ice cream, maybe travel into the city and hike around… Now that I recall, that’s what I said to her last night that we should do at some point soon… I watched carefully to see her response, and it seemed favorable… She said something else in the last few nights that referred to us doing something together at some point in the future, so I still get the impression she’s thinking in terms of forward motion, and not ending things, but how do I really know…

That’s a good point, waffle. Thank you. The last time we actually went out and did anything was probably 2.5 weeks ago. The following weekend we were supposed to go into the city to see July 4 fireworks, which I’d been looking forward to most of the year, but it had been raining all that day, and she didn’t really wanna go… I should’ve pushed a little bit, but we were having a good time at the house. then, one time she just wanted to hang out at her house, when I would’ve been perfectly happy going out somewhere. The one time she came down to my house, I pretty much found the activities to do… I think she enjoyed them, but it wasn’t easy to tell. I guess I have kind of made suggestions and helped decide on the things to do when we were at her house, as well, but for the most part, she knows that area, so she picks out the things to do. I will be mostly a follower this weekend if I go up to her beach house, given that there will likely be other people there as well, which will be a bit daunting. I think she is more of a homebody than I am… Although I get a chance to hang out for the early part of the day, so I guess I’m a bit of a homebody as well. Not nearly as fun when there’s nobody to go out with. So I sit at home and write on here… 😭 there is another thing she told me about the other day… Her friend that was up visiting her at the beach house told her that she had an extra ticket to Bruce Springsteen sometime later this summer, maybe September. She seemed to be pretty excited about it, but knew she was going to have to take a day off of work for that… She needs eight weeks in advance from her employer to take days off. my initial reaction is happiness for her that she’ll be able to go out and have a good time like that, but when I think about it more, it also makes me sad that there is almost no way in purgatory that I could afford to do something like that with her. Plus, I’ve kind of lost interest in going to big events like that anymore.

I believe that me saying that to her in the middle of the night may have been a distant follow up to our conversation when I told her maybe it was time to start thinking about whether I was going to be able to fit into her life.

I know we will talk at some point… I don’t think our video call is the way to go. Especially when she’s getting ready for bed. if she invites me up to the beach house this weekend, maybe on the hour long ride up there would be a good time, but even that may not be great. you should know exactly what I’m afraid of. I’ve heard it so many times in my life… “You’re not good enough“.

Well, if anything, I think it may be a case that we shared and bonded more quickly, rather than not bonding. We had a lot of sharing that we did very quickly. We noticed how similar we were, and compared those things and reveled in those things for weeks. It seemed very clear that we had so much soul energy in common. It almost seemed uncanny. You heard about it forever. We still do share. Our calls aren’t as exciting as they might’ve been a week or two ago, there’s not quite as much smiling, and eye gazing, and we were constantly complementing each other, probably right up until about 10 days ago… That stuff is pretty much gone away. Same with her sweet, loving emojis and salutations. Pretty much gone. Nada. Nothing. But she still squeaks out. I love you at the end of our calls. Usually first. I have to wonder if she thinks that that’s what I’m hoping to hear, and she doesn’t want to make waves, but it may not necessarily have anything to do with where her head is truly at. I wouldn’t really think so, though. I know she’s quite shy and reserved, but I think if she really was struggling with something, I don’t think she’d be telling me she loved me. Well, perhaps she would, if she was struggling with something, but if she had kind of changed her mind about our compatibility, I doubt she’d be saying that. She still seems genuinely happy to hear from me, and, as I mentioned, last Monday, we laughed our selves silly over the stupidest thing… I don’t even remember what it was. So I wouldn’t be so quick to say that our calls don’t have connection. Just not as intensely as they were, and it seems somewhat… Guarded… Here’s something else I thought about today… Last weekend, I saw a side of her that I have not yet seen… We will call it avoidant. If you recall, she barely looked at me for about the first five minutes. I was in her garage when she was shuffling around… She was distracted, and a bit cranky… And even when we first got to the beach house, she was kind of the same way. It wasn’t until quite a bit later that she said, “now you’ve seen me in my crazy mode“. But it may have been just a few hours later in the middle of the night that I saw she was awake, and I was thinking, maybe she was distracted about something related to her and I, and I said to her “I’m sorry I can’t be for you what you need me to be“. And I don’t remember her exact words, but I think I remember her saying… “But you are… You see all of my quirks, and you accept me anyway”. Those were the only words we exchanged in the middle of the night that night. That was all that was said. I was feeling quite estranged. But when I think of one of the times that we were up there, not that long ago, she came over and laid across my lap with a hugging like posture, and literally laid there with her head in my chest for about 20 minutes. It was quite awesome, really. That may have been the first time I was up there, I forget. She may have done that again while we were lying in bed one of the nights last weekend, I don’t recall. But it wasn’t nearly as intense. The intimacy wasn’t nearly as intense. It was much more “routine“. I don’t really know. There is as much information that tells me that things are fine, but just evolving, then there is information that tells me that it may be devolving. She hasn’t made any difficult declarations in the last 10 days, and I would almost think if she was struggling that she may be willing to say something by now, but given that she heard how I responded to her hair conversation, maybe she thinks that I’m going to stand a hard line if she shows me any uncertainty. Interestingly, there was a meme on a Facebook dating site that comes up in my feed, and it said something like… “Don’t waste your time with somebody that isn’t sure about how they feel about you. The person who knows exactly what they want is out there and waiting for you”. Something like that. I think that’s what was such a blow to my heart with the trifecta of conversations… Religion, my house, my hair. It just told me that she isn’t really sure what she wants. I think she liked the attention that I was giving her, and she liked the thought of somebody who thinks so much more like she does, which, in many ways we do, but culturally speaking, we’re quite far apart. I suspect that is weighing on her a little bit. It’s also my guess that she is just trying to chill and let things unfold organically, but given that we both said, even on our first real date, that we both have a hard time, trusting people, she may have kind of put a safety net around her heart, and is now playing it safe. That’s kind of exactly what I’m doing, as well. It’s now baby steps time, because we both may feel vulnerable to getting hurt. She’s pretty good at hiding that, and I don’t pick up on a lot of signals if she is feeling vulnerable, which I suspect she is… But I know if she was on here having the same conversation, she would likely be saying that she has no way to tell if that’s what I’m feeling, as well. I’m not crazy about asking any of this on our calls. We connect so much better in person. It seems, because I can look right in her eyes, maybe even hold her hand while we are talking. I think that helps bridge huge gaps. It’s just been 10 days since I’ve been able to do that. Typically, other than a week and a half ago when she was in her crazy mode, the minute I see that lady it seems to fall right back into the perfect rhythm. I’m a little worried even that rhythm is going to be off the next time I see her. Especially if it involves going up to her Beachhouse and the possibility of family being up there. I’m guessing she’s going to be whacked out. I’ll just go along for the ride, really.

Well, I have a little bit of hope that she it’s just a natural ebb and flow due to timing and Schedules… But that doesn’t explain everything. I may just be seeing who she really is, and not as much the fantasy she was presenting earlier. Could be that we were just both really psyched, and that’s tapering off into routines. Hard to say. I wasn’t getting the impression she was upset about anything, she seemed like she was OK and not really distracted by anything. She’s not always easy to read her like that, though. I will try to wait and watch patiently, I think. We will see.

Well, maybe it’s a translation thing from print to word. I have a pretty soft and engaging Voice, and although I may use what seems like more formal phrasing, the doctor lady has always responded very positively when I use that language in the way that I do. To others, maybe it’s cringe worthy. I wasn’t saying that rainbow suggested that, but others have. Yes, I am being patient now, and I have been for about the last 4 or 5 days, but it almost feels a little disingenuous. If I suspect something might be on her mind, it almost seems like the right thing to do to ask her if she has anything on her mind. But that comes with a risk. If she doesn’t have anything on her mind, then it would appear meddling and needy for me to bring that up. I don’t think she would interpret it that way, but it’s possible. On the other hand, not bringing it up, could give the indication that I don’t care that there’s been this fairly big shift in how we interact on a day-to-day basis. It’s a bit of a conundrum. In terms of when I do talk to her, things seem fine, sort of. It’s when I’m not talking with her that things have changed fairly significantly. Well, I might have to take that back, couple of weeks ago at this time we were pretty much begging to find out when we would see each other next, and constantly strategizing. None of that right now, which could be completely normal, considering that we spent almost all of the Fourth of July week together, and then the following weekend this past weekend. That’s a fair amount of time in a stretch, and we knew I was going to have my kid this weekend, which was going to mess that Continuity up. I have always said to her, that I would be up there in a flash, even on a work night, which would prevent us from having to go that length of time without seeing each other. She doesn’t seem to wanna do that, even though I spent a work night there last weekend from Sunday into Monday, and it was great. She stayed up later on her own, and I didn’t encourage her to do that, and I tried to stay completely out of her way in the morning, and it was really sweet. We ended up talking all the way home in both of our cars, and she sent me a text just a little while after that telling me she already missed me. That was after our difficult talks, and spending a lot of time together over a few weeks. But lately, dry as a bone. So, I don’t really know what to think, and I think the only choice that I have is patience, and that has its own risks.

It makes complete sense, and that’s what my gut, and years of therapy would encourage me to do. That’s what I did last time I felt like this, and she responded so well to that assertiveness. but then I fail to believe in that inner voice when I hear lots and lots of people on here telling me that it’s cringe worthy to keep looking for validation like that. Because whether it’s offered in shiny words or not, asking the doctor lady something like that, according to many of you, it’s for my own validation and is discouraged and frowned upon as being manipulative and damaging to a relationship.

Thank you, rainbow. Good points. my handle on here is not as anonymous as one might think. Anyone that knows me, including the doctor lady, whom I have told I purge on relationship forums could probably figure out who I am just by my handle. They would probably have to be pretty desperate to want to come looking for this, but who knows. it’s not hugely comfortable for me to know that I have fairly private information floating around on here that is often not very flattering, and would probably be a dealbreaker if anyone, including the doctor lady ever read this. I am not proud of a lot of the stuff I say on here, but I say this stuff as a stream of consciousness, purging into the voice dictation command of my devices, as a means of trying to make sense of things, whether they are flattering or not I don’t really come on here as much for the theoretical stuff, because I get loads of that through my daily activities and the therapeutic process that I’ve undergone over about the last 30 years. When I get into that kind of stuff it’s mostly just for conversation and for comparison. Like they tell you in school… Compare/contrast. I have no idea how many people read this stuff, and I get the impression that there is likely not too many people that would really value or learn from much of what I say on here. I have no way of knowing. That would really be the only reason to leave these posts on here. There is also this feeling of “letting go” of a lot of this stuff, after it has been written and considered… Me hitting the delete button is like telling myself that no two days will be the same, and I may not feel today, or even in the next moment, the same as I do right now. In many ways, I feel that this progress. I’m trying not to carry this with me as baggage. There may be a time to let things go, and hitting the delete button lets me know that nothing is infinite. Part of what I find intriguing, but so much mystifying about jazz music, and jazz musicians, is that the music exists in a singular place and time, and then for the most part, it will never exist in The same manner again. I like to think of life is very similar to that. It’s not easy for me to live that way, but that is a pursuit of mine… I learned that from a jazz composer I worked with years ago. I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t want the songs to sound similar each time we played them. Lots of jazz guys are like that. They have no Interest in hearing the same thing twice. this forum is not much like jazz... There is a lot of repetition, mostly from myself. Moving on from each thread helps me clear my head a bit and start writing from perhaps a slightly different perspective. Doesn’t usually work… 🙂 and lastly, deleting threads allows me some time away from here. As many have observed, I spend a lot of time purging on here. I suppose a lot of people journal, which isn’t hugely different, and that is hugely advocated during the therapeutic process. Lots of credentialed people say that journaling is a must for people that struggle with mental health challenges. often I can’t tell if writing on here is an asset or a detriment. Sometimes it can be a little bit of both, but I tend to think that it often leans toward the detriment. I’m on here mostly because I am lonely and want somebody to talk to, and I actually feel like somebody might truly “get” what I am experiencing, or what I am saying. Most of the time, although well intended, most respondents want to try to say or do something helpful, or less and less, just try to do the tough love thing and give me a little bit of a smack upside the head. I don’t respond as well to that, and likely any mental health practitioner would say that Toughlove is a very outdated concept and has been pretty much proven over and over again to be more damaging to relationships than an asset. well then…

I think I may delete this thread soon. I write on here a lot because it’s a way for me to purge what I’m feeling and thinking. No other real reason. Well, I guess the other reason is that I am often feeling pathetically alone here at my house out in the woods… With no family members around anywhere… All of my lifelong friends living in different parts of the world… Only working a few hours a day, Which is the way I would prefer it to be right about now, but that might need to change at some point in the not too distant future. A large part of me doesn’t dislike being here at my house by myself. I feel safer on my own, as many introverts do, then having a lot of hands on my time. But it’s not like I have nothing going on. Canuck asked me what I did yesterday other than write on here… Well, a fair amount, really… My main playing and gigging guitar amp blew up a couple of days ago, so over the weekend I researched for places to have it repaired, and there’s only one place in the whole region that could do it, so I had to pack up my gear and drive the hour plus into the big city to take that in. Then I had to clean up the mess where water leaked into the house during the big storms, vacuumed different areas of the house, did at least three loads of laundry that are still not fully put away. Woke my kid up and got her on the road to her first day of her new theater camp. had to drive her there. Drove to the next town for what should have been magnificent fireworks, only to get there, and find empty streets, because the ceremony had been canceled due to flooding fields. Oh, boy. Sad to miss that this year. So, I came home and practice guitar for an hour, mostly in preparation, for what could be my band’s final gig in two weeks. That is also some thing that is weighing heavily on my mind, since it seems like this band will be imploding after this gig, and I will likely have limited choices of who to play with.I’ve actually been answering ads for about the last month, in anticipation, but there’s not a lot going on around here that suits my taste or my level. So, if anyone gets the idea that I don’t have a lot going on, maybe not by comparison to our over-challenged society, I have no shortage of things to do. My house is still a mess. I can’t keep up with it all which is another fairly large source of anxiety, coupled with this conundrum of being alone, versus having difficulty reaching out to people, which I did also yesterday. I was texting back-and-forth with my friend Larry last night… Curiously, we didn’t actually talk on the phone, although I did call him the other night with that in mind, which I think it’s a bit of progress on my part. I usually avoid talking on the phone. I’m sure there’s more I did yesterday, but that’s the main part of it. I have a lot of hours to fill, which is how I get lured into coming on here. As far as coming on here goes… I “debate” things on here because I enjoy hearing different perspectives and thoughts, and yes validation. I’m OK with that. That’s what forums like this are often good for. As wise and blue say, I think there’s a lot of times on here that exacerbate my anxiety, mostly by some of the responses that are left on here. I shouldn’t care how others interpret what I say on here, but I do. I’m starting to develop a slightly thicker skin, though. I think that would be beneficial on here, and even with the doctor lady. I will probably continue to write on here, and then eventually delete threads, because I don’t really like having all of this stuff live on digitally. A lot of it feels like bad energy. Lots of stuff gets misconstrued on here of what I say. No idea why. Makes sense to me, and if it doesn’t, I’ll often offer a disclaimer. I do the best I can to be honest and clear with what I say. You may agree, or not agree. Part of me doesn’t really care. Part of me is ultrasensitive, so I may be defensive here or there. I don’t really care about that either. I’m on here mostly for myself. moving forward to right now… So here is where things are at with the doctor lady. We talked again last night on a video call. She seemed happy to hear from me I guess. She even mentioned hypothetically about stuff her and I could do in the future, but I don’t recall what it was. In conversation, it seems like there is absolutely nothing wrong. And maybe there isn’t. If that’s the case, I’d be OK. I just don’t know if there’s something up with her. There has been so many changes over the last week, that I just can’t get a feel for where things stand. Plus, being the ultra sensitive person that I am, many comments on here make me feel uneasy to just be the person I feel like I would want to be, and that person would eventually say, “OK, doctor lady, there’s been a lot of things that have shifted recently… Should we talk about those things and kind of see where we are at?“ it’s clear things have changed. That wouldn’t be a big mystery. There has to be reasons for those changes, and I suspect it’s just not natural evolution. These are choices, and choices usually have reasons. For example, I used to enjoy waking up early to call her in the morning on the way to work. For quite a while, she encouraged me to do that, and openly told me that she really enjoyed talking with me on the way to work. It was a nice way to start her day. I no longer talk with her on the way to work. That’s not just coincidental. It’s a choice. I stopped calling her in the mornings because I asked her on Sunday night, although some of you thought it was cringe worthy, when I should call her next. She said, in the evening, not the morning. That tells me that she wasn’t interested in talking on the phone in the morning. Last night, when we end the call, she didn’t say “call me in the morning” which she often did previously, or “talk to you in the morning”. That’s pretty clear that she has moved away from wanting to talk in the morning. Why I couldn’t say. That’s a change, and changes have reasons and consequences. Without me asking her about it I have no way of knowing why or what might have led to the change. Also, up until probably a week ago, it wasn’t uncommon for her to text out of the blue and say, “hope you’re having a nice day, my love“. That’s completely stopped. Every text I got from her would have ❤️, or 😘, or 🥰. There hasn’t been one of those in a week. Not one. That’s a noticeable difference, and I can’t imagine it’s just simply settling in. Last time I went a week with these kinds of changes. I eventually asked her about it. She told me there were reasons, and that she appreciated that I asked her about them so we could talk. It ended well. We had a great weekend that weekend. She appreciated the open and honest inquiry. I’m not doing that now. And I’ve left her lots of room in the last handful of days to not feel pressured. I haven’t said anything about this to her, I haven’t been calling or texting her as much. I have no idea whether she is noticing this change, and for all I know, she’s feeling the same as I am, and wondering why I am dropping off. I can’t imagine she’s not thinking about it, because she notices things just like I do. It’s even possible that she thinks that I am backing away, maybe because of the conversations we had about the aforementioned hair/religion/income. I have no way of knowing because it seems like neither one of us has the courage to talk about it. Neither one of us like rocking the boat. There has been zero mention when we will see each other next. But it’s only Tuesday. Typically, we would be talking about our next gathering with enthusiasm and verbal excitement. We haven’t even mentioned when we’re going to see each other next. No mention of her previous invitations up to the beach house this weekend, when I am pretty sure family members are supposed to be there. I think this will be a real test. I’m not going to mention it, and I’m going to see how that plays out. I have a bad feeling, but my bad feelings are often incorrect with her, that the weekend is going to come, and it will be like, “well, I’ll be up at the beach house this weekend, so I’ll have to catch up with you later“ with no mention of me joining her as had previously been planned, and even accepted on my part. She may remember me telling her that I wasn’t psyched about being up there and being analyzed like she was saying would probably happen. That didn’t mean I wouldn’t go, I would go without hesitation, but I don’t have to be happy with knowing that I’m going to be a little bit scrutinized by family members. But that’s life. I would go and do the best I could. The only thing I seem to be able to hang my hat on right now, is the fact that we’re still talking. And it seems engaged and nice. Even at the end of our call, just like the night before, there seem to be a little bit of awkwardness as to how to sign off, and a tiny bit of dead air, and I think I gave the kissing sounds, and she awkwardly mumbled, “love you… Love you”. Maybe I should just be taking that to the bank and appreciating that? I just don’t know.

I do a much better me as I learn more about why I engage with the darkness sometimes like I do. Believe me when I tell you, that I am way better with the doctor lady than I have been with most other ladies I’ve been with. Way better.

See, that’s where I think your theory is off track. Often times, traditional addictions are learned compulsive behaviors. There’s also mental health issues beyond those behaviors, and nothing is absolute, clearly. An attachment disorder is a neurological impediment, if you will, that is part of one’s cerebral conditioning, due to a style of attachment that was adopted at a very young age. That’s a very different condition than traditional addictions. I guess we are talking semantics here, because those are two very different disorders.

Wise, you can call it whatever you want. To me, it’s proactive to try to understand what happens to oneself, and, as rainbow said, understanding is the first steps towards changing something. If I hear someone say something that I don’t feel as accurate, or isn’t fair, would you expect I just don’t say anything? Often times I think people here get upset or annoyed, because somebody says something that contradicts what they believe. Perhaps I do the same thing. I don’t often say something related to theory unless I have a reasonable explanation for it, particularly when I’m talking about theory of things like attachment disorders, or borderline personality disorder, which I spent months and months researching and still do.

In all of my time, studying and researching attachment disorders, I’ve never seen it described as an addiction to conflict. I don’t think that’s true. It would likely be more accurate to say that people with attachment disorders have brains that think in a way that is a variant and sometimes believe in an alternate reality, if you will. When someone learns particular patterns of attachment from a very young age, their neural pathways actually develop in response to those patterns, therefore, they are almost “imprinted” although that’s not the proper word, but they are almost imprinted upon to respond in a way that includes anxiety, panic, fear, and disorder. I don’t believe it has anything to do with being addicted to that behavior, and I’m certainly not addicted to it. I would give almost anything to not feel this way. It’s just the way my brain operates. My therapist, and also lots of my research, states that Brian can be redeveloped, and is known to have neuroplasticity, which means that it can be reprogrammed. I don’t know how that will happen, and I have to wonder if it ever will happen, but one way or the other, despite the fears and the virtual paranoia that I convey on here, when I am with the doctor lady, or talking to her directly, I am considerably more stable and invested than I have been with almost anyone else I have ever dated. I will take that as my reality.

The theory of borderlines is that they fear being abandoned or left. There’s an attachment disorder there. Often times, unbeknownst to them, they will sabotage or self destruct a situation that gets too heavy for them to handle, because they believe that allowing someone past their emotional gates will reveal that they are heavily damaged, and that eventually their loved one will leave them anyway, so they set off their bombs of self destruction, partly to put themselves out of their misery, but also to test whether the person will leave them under duress. This is not a conscious action or reaction, a lot of this is going on under the surface and out of the awareness of the borderline. I have borderline characteristics. I’m not full-blown, but I see it, particularly in situations like the hair one. And just to be clear, I wasn’t getting all down and dirty, calling her all kinds of names… But I did say that it was not a good look for her to be fighting for that, especially with the concerned that she had, and I still don’t. She has almost nothing to lose. She’s at the top of her game… Probably the top of her income bracket. There’s no where else for her to go. No one else that she needs to impress. She’s way beyond needing to do that. She could probably tell anyone that objected to her coming with a dude with long hair to go F themselves, and it would probably not make one bit of difference in the universe.

Yeah, and I think we are both now just getting used to the fact that we aren’t perfect… And our armpits are still going to smell when we are near each other… 😵‍💫😵‍💫. I know, not a great analogy, but I think you get my drift… of odor… 😂

I have been understanding and saying on here that fear has been driving my anxious attachment all along… I’m afraid I’m going to be abandoned. I’m afraid she’s going to leave me. It’s a repeating pattern. I’ve been saying that over and over and over! 😊🎶😊

I don’t know if you are directing that comment at me, but I can assure you, drama is not something I crave. Never has been. I create the drama out of fear, and me being a pretty strong leaning avoidant, you should be able to understand where that’s coming from. Did you watch either of those videos? 🙂

This is absolutely true… I’m trying to step back a bit and give her some breathing space. For example, for the last month or so, I’ve been calling her every morning as she drives into work. She has always said she likes it, but she hasn’t been encouraging it yet this week. So, when we were finished with our video call right now, she said, OK “I’ll talk to you tomorrow… Love you“, and I didn’t feel the need to ask when we would talk, or whether she would want me to call her in the morning for her ride. Part of me wonders if I should call her in the morning anyway, because it might be a little bit of a surprise to her. But part of me also find the value of giving her space. She hasn’t asked me to call her in the morning, and even last night, I specifically asked when would be a good time to call her… She didn’t say “in the morning” like she pretty much had for the last month or so, so I took that as a sign to not call her this morning, which I didn’t. I may call her at some point in the morning this week, but I don’t think it’ll be tomorrow.