Whirling D

Well, it’s not like I’m standing here pointing a finger at her, calling her useless and nasty. We all have our characteristics that are good and not so good. Just to even the playing field, here are some of mine… I’m hugely reactionary. I sometimes tend to look at things from a very negative perspective. Sometimes. Every once in a while, I can get angry and snap at someone. As I’ve gotten older, there are sometimes that I may be a little elitist myself… If I go into a store and I hear someone say something that I think is rude, or a driver does something aggressive, and then gives me the finger, I may give them the finger back, or say something nasty back to them. I never used to do that. I guess life is catching up with me a bit. We all have our pros and cons. I have pointed a few that I believe are a few of her characteristics… I wouldn’t characterize it as me calling her satans queen, or whatever it was, that wise said. I think some of you are taking what I say. Way out of context, and way too far. That’s just my opinion. it is sometimes this kind of mischaracterization that makes me want to delete these posts.

I agree with you for most of this… But the carrot that I have been dangling, has been pretty much an offering to her, and an opportunity, if not a nudge, to let me go if she thinks these things are going to be big deals. I would almost rather have her put me out of my misery then to have us both keep trying hard to make it work, if it is only going to fail in the long run. I thought about saying that to her recently… “Doctor lady, if you really are struggling with all of these things that we have talked about, then, perhaps I should urge you to let me go, so I can go find someone who won’t have these red flags”. Perhaps it could be me that does the letting go, but I think I know better. I think she’s worth it, and I don’t think she wants me to let her go. I’m not sure letting go is right thing to do, though, because getting to know each other is hard. Especially to people that are so painfully afraid of getting hurt. I think that’s what’s happening with her, but I can’t speak for her.

I don’t believe she has ever been around kids that much. And for others… I use the phrase, “talk her down off the ledge”, rather tongue in cheek. If I looked at it more closely, I do believe she was out on the edge last night. That doesn’t mean I knocked out on the edge a lot. I probably was last night as well. It wasn’t meant is any form of disrespect. Just observation. She was extremely struggling with something that seemed to be traveling her. We talked about it, and I try to do what I could to offer, encouragement and explanations. Maybe too much. I felt like I was groveling at some points. That’s not where I wanna be.

Well, can I be disillusioned still love her at the same time? It’s hard to love someone that you are just getting to know. Especially when you are now getting mixed signals from them. I’m trying to not do exactly what you guys have been saying, and that is self destruct and run. I don’t want to do that. I want to continue getting to know her. I’m doing the best I can with that. We talked a little bit about that difficulty last night.

“Unless you kick me out” was meant as a joke. That was all.

Stop. I believe you’re reading this all wrong. It wasn’t like that at all.

I’m not following, rainbow. I get it. It’s a combination of things, but it came out last night and one fury directed at the fact that I didn’t have enough time for her. Or she for me. I get it, and have already expressed that it was likely building up from how I responded to the hair talk, etc. If you read what I said about that conversation, I think she was hearing what I was saying, in a way differently than it was intended. I was trying to give her an out if she wanted it. I wasn’t at all telling her I wanted to break up with her. Or I thought we weren’t a good fit. It felt to me that that’s kind of what she was. Trying to tell me. I’m sorry if you think I didn’t get what you were trying to say. I always value what you have to say.

I did that, wise. I told her from the beginning of the conversation that I would try to work something out to be up there on Monday and Tuesday. I thought I mentioned that on here. I’m not entirely sure I know what you are referring to about gaslighting her with psychobabble. That’s an unfair assessment. We talked about what each one of us said, and try to come to an understanding of where it may have gone off the rails. She led with fire, saying that she thought we weren’t going to work. I had to try to bring her down off that ledge by trying to encourage her to think that it wasn’t as bad as it seemed. I don’t get where that is gaslighting psychobabble?

I was a bit in a fog last night when we ended the conversation. Unless something changes today, I think she is expecting me to meet her at her house late on Friday and we will go up to the beach house Friday/Saturday/Sunday. I was able to negotiate not doing child duty for Monday/Tuesday so I will be able to stay up there with her then. If she still wants me there. then, she has to come back early Tuesday for a delivery at her house, and then a doctors appointment on Wednesday, so she’ll probably go back up on Wednesday night. Conceivably, I could probably go up there after band practice on Wednesday night, but I wouldn’t get there until probably 2 AM again, and I almost fell asleep on the road a couple weeks ago when I tried that. I guess I could get up to her beach house on Thursday morning, and stay overnight and come back mid day Friday to pick up my kid from camp at 4 PM. Don’t know if that’s too much driving for that 24 hour period of time. I’d probably enjoy it, though. I have my kid the following weekend, from Friday pick up through dropping her off at camp on Monday morning… Doctor lady will be at work on that same day, I believe. I have a gig that Sunday afternoon prior, and my kid will probably be working on Saturday, maybe even Sunday, so I don’t know how that will play out. Still have to figure that one out. So, as far as I know, I’m supposed to talk with her today, around 5 PM, and I’ll be a nervous wreck until then, almost expecting more bad news… “I think I’ve decided we are just not going to fit”, And if that isn’t the case, I should see her early Friday evening for the ride up to the beach house. I just looked back at a few videos from about a month ago, and it’s really hard to imagine that she meant what she said yesterday about it not being a good fit. In so many ways, her and I have the capacity to fit like a glove. That may be part of the problem. When you have two people that really want to learn to coexist like that, it can often be hard to differentiate the fantasy from the reality. If she really was having a hard time with me, not having enough time for her, then why hasn’t she invited me up at all this week? I think she may have been inquiring about today, but she knew I had band practice tonight. I probably could have gone up there for a couple of hours this afternoon, and maybe that would’ve been a nice relaxing time to finish up this conversation and feel better about things. Instead, I will likely be on edge until I see her on Friday, but maybe the car ride up will be good for us. Also, I’m having a hard time deciding whether I should check in with her by text right now and just say something nice… “Just wanted to say hi and tell you I’m thinking about you… And that I love you, and I am not going anywhere, unless you kick me out… 😖. I’m so sorry that things got off the rails last night. My heart is sore, but I am here for you if you want to talk more about it :-)” Smart or dumb? 🙂 Something like that.

I’m not sure I mentioned this before, but as that conversation was closing out, we were asking each other how we currently felt about how the discussion went… And she said to me “at least we weren’t yelling at each other“. And I responded by saying, “is that how things went with your other boyfriends when things got difficult?“ She said, “oh yeah”. I didn’t go any further with it. It might even be reasonable to think that I may have scored some brownie points with that conversation last night because I wasn’t heated and letting my guns fire. I wonder if that could be part of her baseline to hit below the belt when things go wrong. That doesn’t really change anything, though, because that would pretty much be a dealbreaker if she continues to hit below the belt like that… Of course, if she was really truly thinking that things were not going to work out between her and I, that would be an entirely different matter, and probably also a dealbreaker, but from a different, vantage point, if that makes any sense. I think it could even have been seen as a bit of a power struggle… Mostly from her end. She wants what she wants, and she was willing, possibly, willing to hit below the belt to get it. Just hypothesizing.

I am not sure I follow. How should I have been reacting to her? Yes, I do come across as being a bit of a problem solver, I think. But last night I was relatively emotional… I was quiet, may be coming across as a bit sulky… And eventually, I said to her… “Let me make it clear, I don’t want you to leave. I really want this to work out. I don’t want to date anyone else. I’m sorry I found this up. It wasn’t that I deliberately wasn’t thinking about you, it just went over my head. I do believe that we can work out the scheduling issues and the other things, so in many ways, it’s really more about what you wanna do that it is about what I wanna do, because I’m making it clear… I don’t want for you and I do not see each other anymore. I’m committed to this” She wasn’t able to say the same, and thinking about the meme I posted from yesterday, or at least recited, how long should we be waiting around for somebody that doesn’t know what they want? In the language that you and I have been talking about, attachment styles, I’m getting the impression that she is way more avoidant than I currently am at, and I suspect that’s what this might be… As you say, she was frustrated and hurt by me forgetting and potentially leaving her up there by herself, and she reacted, harshly, by saying that she thought we must break up. More or less. And as you say, that may have just been reactionary on her part, and maybe she didn’t really mean it, and said it’s just because she was angry? That’s not a language that I do well with, so as a blue, very eloquently, said, sometimes you just have energy that when it comes together, it burns too hot or too explosively. Something like that. It was kind of like that with my ex-wife, as well. I think it’s pretty common with two people that really care about each other. It’s hard to keep a lot of that emotion in check and understand what’s actually happening as it’s occurring. The result, is that interactions like this push buttons very deeply down, and perhaps reveal some of the fantasy of the romance, rather than the reality that you were dealing with two different people with complex emotional histories.

Very lovely and poignant post, rainbow. Thank you. You are right. Maybe I’m not really getting at why she said what she said. It kind of felt me that she was just stomping in the sandbox, as bat was saying, and not being willing to play nicely with others. I suppose she could have just been hurt, thinking that I was trying to break up with her and not showing her the interest I had previously, when I told her, she should go find somebody that shares her religion, if that’s important to her, or whether I would fit into her world, because of my long hair, or my house. She could have interpreted those things I said as being ways I was trying to find an escape? If I’m understanding you correctly. There actually could be some truth to that. I may have been testing for a bit, subconsciously, to see if she would bail outv or to give myself an escape hatch should I need one. But I am learning, rainbow. I’m learning I have a tendency to hit and run. I haven’t wanted to do that with this lady. For the most part, I really adore this lady, and I don’t want her to disappear.

I think she began believing that I was going to be up there for much of the week, but I knew that wasn’t going to be likely or possible, so I think we were just on different pages as to what we thought was going to happen. I never told her I would be up there for the entire week. That I’m pretty clear on. I can only hope that’s what she is understanding today, rather than the reality she is just getting caught up in the maelstrom of a guy who lives an hour and a third away, has a 15-year-old daughter that takes up a lot of his time, and a band that also takes up time, and just doesn’t have the amount of flexibility that she may feel she needs, despite the fact that she sets up her own time boundaries. If that’s true, then it tells me that it’s not really me that she says she loves. It sounds more like the thought of me, or the thought of anyone that she might be attracted to that could live according to her needs. Does that at all sound potentially true?

your last sentence is very observant. Thank you. Yes, I think the doctor lady was quite reactionary last night. The doctor lady went into “well, if you can’t make it up for my vacation, that just means that this just isn’t the right fit“ rather quickly and reactively. mind you, I was probably doing that with the hair conversation, and even my response to her telling me that she didn’t like my house… I guess those are similar conversations… But hers started off, rather in the extreme, and she seemed so convinced and serious that her and I were just not going to work out. I think that would be hard for anyone to hear. It’s almost traumatic for me. It triggers almost the exact fears that send me into this wild anxiety. I’m going to be abandoned. Again. And because I made a mistake and forgot something? I can’t change that now. Actually, I did change something, since I was able to talk my kid’s, mother into allowing me to not have to do child duty on Monday, and Tuesday, which were the extra days I was hopeful to be able to get up to Dr. Lady’s beach house anyway. I’m starting to wonder if I even want to go. There was a lot of negative energy flying around that call last night. Which is so saddening because there was so much positive energy going on right up until that point. It kind of turned on a dime. It makes me wonder where her head is at. I adore that lady, I could probably even say that I love her, but I certainly didn’t adore the way She responded to what I told her about how available I was. I don’t know where to go with that. I really can’t tell if I’m over reacting, or if my gut is accurate in thinking that this lady began that conversation in a hugely destructive manner. It almost doesn’t really matter. What is done is done. Many say that my conversation about being the right fit for her because of the hair conversation was destructive. I can’t wrap my head around that. I thought I was speaking my truth. Maybe she speaking her truth? Maybe she thinks she needs more from someone than she thinks I’m going to be able to offer. It could be that simple.

Because she was basically telling me that she didn’t think it was going to work because I couldn’t commit the time that was needed to make her happy. well, I countered that by telling her that I could be up there a lot more than I probably am, but it was really up to her to make room in her life to make that happen… Mostly on the days that I have free. She understood when I said that. I also asked her about her other boyfriends, and if they were able to have an easier time adjusting to scheduling… She didn’t answer, but I know that she previously said with her last boyfriend of three years, she only saw him once every other weekend, because he was a pilot and never in town. so, it’s not like she is not used to having to wait to see the guys she’s dating. In some ways, this situation sounds loads better than that one.

For me, I was hearing that she was going up there one way or the other. I understood that family members would be there, etc. now she says family members aren’t going, and she will be by herself. I think that’s what she’s most pissed about It wasn’t at all clear to me that she was expecting me to go during the week, but hoping I could. I believe my response to those several queries was, “let me see what I can do. I suspect I’ll be able to get up there at some point.” I don’t remember seeing anything more definitive. it may have been 10 days ago it came up last… probably less than that when I agreed to do drop off. Just a mess. now I don’t know what to do. I almost want to text her to tell her I’m sorry I botched things… but mostly to feel less anxious. I kind of don’t know what to think. Bat says this may just be a matter of incompatibility. Others say that it us both self-destructing, which I think may be more close to the case. I think we are both struggling with what it takes to make a relationship work… maybe just this relationship. I think I may have more invested in it than she does. Particularly if she’s so clearly he’s going to throw threats like that around to end things when it gets tough. I don’t think I would ever do that. I told her I was committed to making it work. But For how long? to see how she came apart when she thought that she was going to have to spend time at her beach house alone during her week off, and that I might not be able to join her, was very annoying to her… And she told me that I should’ve done a better job organizing this, since I’ve known about it for about six weeks, which may be true. on the other hand, I said to her that it’s no different than with her job, which needs eight weeks advance notice to take time off… I told her there’s no doubt that she would be going away with us this summer on our vacation in August, but it’s too soon for her to get the time off… I don’t really see those situations as been hugely different. They both involve responsibilities that would prevent us from being together, at least in the short run. I continue to mention that once things get rolling, that her and I could make sufficient plans with enough advance notice to prevent this kind of stuff from happening. She seemed to respond positively when I said that. I just have this feeling that I’m gonna be constantly be feeling condescended upon or badgered by this lady if something doesn’t go the way she thinks it should. She has a pretty strong sense of entitlement in that regard, as if it was expected that I was going to be able to do what she wanted or needed. Almost doesn’t matter what my needs were in those moments. once things settled down at the end, she seemed to be putting a little bit more care into what I needed, but by that time, I was already a basket case. I don’t know how many more times I can feel like a basket case before I have to make a decision that might be for my own good. that being said… When I see this lady, she has so many nice things going on, and for the most part, there should be very few reasons that I wouldn’t want to continue getting to know her. Other than when things go wrong like this, she makes me feel like crap. I don’t know if that’s really a dealbreaker or not, although at times I wonder if it should be… that this maybe as much of a me problem as it is a her problem. I may just be taking this all out of context and making way bigger of a deal of what she said to me last night than maybe I should be. but then again, when somebody pretty much outrightly tells you with a straight face that they don’t think it’s going to work out, that leaves me a pretty strong reason to be concerned. It’s now hard for me to truly understand whether she meant that, or she was saying it to be passive aggressive. It’s now hard for me to truly understand whether she meant that, or she was saying it to be passive aggressive. I tend to think the latter. lastly for this post, somewhere around 2/3 of the way through that conversation, I stopped and said something like, “so, what do you think, after all this, does it feel like we will be able to move forward?” She couldn’t really answer it. She didn’t know. I don’t know if it had anything to do with the way I responded to the conversations in the past weekends or not. although I am repeating myself, I think she was hearing those conversations last week differently than I was expecting them to be heard. Pretty much said she thought I was threatening to break up last week, but that’s not what I was saying. I think she was hearing… “from what you are telling me, it almost feels like we are not going to work out“. But that’s not what I was saying. I was saying, “from what I am hearing maybe you have to decide whether you believe that we can work out“. I’m not sure the exact wording I used, but there is a distinct difference between those two statements.

I hope so… Other than her determination to make me feel like sh*& for making that mistake, I could tell she was trying hard to figure out a way to find a middle ground. Kind of. It felt like I had to kind of coerce her to do that, as if what she felt was completely rational to her, and understandably that would be true, and I get the feeling she thought I was trying to con her into thinking otherwise. Maybe that’s true also, I can’t yet say. as mentioned in the last post, she seemed to want to let it go and get a bit lovey-dovey, right at the end, while I sat there, almost in a daze, clearly having a hard time functioning… That probably wasn’t a good look for me. I felt like I was conveying to her that I can be an emotional wreck. welcome to my reality. I could hardly get a coherent sentence out the whole conversation. That’s also not a good luck. I think she probably could tell that *** had me up against the ropes.

Thank you, bat. It’s morning now, and I’m still not sure how I feel about it. It was not a good conversation, nor a good look for her. But I am also embarrassed. First things first. I know a lot of you on here. I think that this is a little bit of a turnaround and almost the same as me, saying what I said to her last weekend, “maybe we’re not a good fit“. But there is a difference, however, subtle. Last weekend I was suggesting to her that maybe it was her that was thinking we were not the right fit. Not me. I never said that. I would have continued to negotiate, which I did, but I was saying to her last weekend “doctor lady, there seems to be growing list of things that you’re not sure about… Which makes me wonder if it’s time for you to think whether I am the right fit for you and whether I’ll fit into your life”. I think that’s pretty close to what I said. I think that’s different, because I’m putting the onus on her, which I also did last night. I said to her, rather awkwardly, because I felt awkward the whole conversation, given that I felt like I was being used for target practice, whether that’s true or not, that’s kind of how I felt. At least for the first half of the conversation. The second half, I was so frazzled, it It was hard to focus well. I said something like… “Doctor lady… I would be up here in a heartbeat at almost any point, but I’ve been trying to allow you to steer that ship, because I know you are really busy and you said that you don’t really like spending time on weeknights, or your day off on Wednesdays because you have a lot going on and you need your sleep. I’ve been trying to honor that, but the truth is, I would come up here any of the nights I have off and even if I didn’t get here till 8 PM, I would very much just enjoy hanging for a few minutes and then going to sleep. I would do that for you, so the notion that you and I don’t have that much time together, it’s really in your court now, because I would be up here a lot more than I actually am“. I think she was able to hear that. What I am sensing fairly clearly from last night is that she needs to be convinced that something is true. That likely comes from feeling gaslighted a lot from her boyfriends, if that’s actually what happened. I can only go on her stories. She seems to need to be convinced that something is true… Like she was very upset that I couldn’t get up there during the week, although it was never really clear to me, that she wanted me there, even though it seemed clear to her that she was asking me to do that. That’s not the way I understood it. So I had to explain that to her until she felt convinced that what I was saying was true. Then I had to convince her that I could be up there a lot more than I was. I probably could’ve had the conversation and convinced her that she could actually come down here more than she has, if she wanted to spend time together, but that seemed kind of coercive. I know I will think of more examples from the conversation that would exemplify this, but it still seems like she comes to these drastic conclusions, perhaps, like I might, and then I have to bring her down from the ledge. I almost felt inauthentic trying to talk her down from the ledge last night, because her determination, at least early on in the talk, was to convince herself or me that her and I weren’t going to work out for about the first minute and a half, that’s pretty much what she was saying. Here’s the context, but I probably already said this… Right after I told her that I was not likely going to easily be able to get up there during the week for various reasons she got very quiet, even though we had been so jovial for the hour prior… And I asked her “you look like you are upset”, although it was really more just stunned that she looked… “Yes, I am upset…”. Pause… “I think I need to be with someone who can devote more time to me and prioritize seeing me when I have time off“ something like that. I paused for quite a long time and then said something like, “so why am I hearing what I think I’m hearing? Care to elaborate on what you just said?“ “I guess I’m saying this is just not working out you knew this was important to me, and yet here we are you telling me you don’t have the time off, even though I’ve been asking you about this for weeks“. And it took off from there. It felt terrible for me to feel like I was having to defend myself for about the next hour, and when we talked about the situation of me, taking my kid to camp each morning, I get the impression that she, like the borderline lady, felt I was somewhat manipulated into doing that. I had just previously told her a conundrum with my kids, mom where her mom was clearly trying to manipulate me into changing my schedule to benefit her mom, but disguising it as being what’s best for the kid… More on that another time, if necessary… I felt I had to convince the doctor lady that me taking the kid to camp every day during the summer was fairly routine, and I’ve been doing it for years… I often take her in in the mornings, provided something doesn’t prevent that, and her mom picks her up in the afternoon, and sometimes I do that as well, like yesterday. I didn’t feel coerced to say yes, it was about 10 days that her mother asked me, and I just routinely said “yeah, I can get her there”. It just happened so quickly, and I wasn’t thinking much about it, obviously. It had nothing to do with me not prioritizing the doctor lady, I don’t think, it was just a completeOversight… I tried to explain that, and even though the doctor lady said, she is very forgetful, I don’t think she was taking too highly to me forgetting that. I think she made me feel a little crappy about it, rather than understanding and forgiving. That’s why, when it seemed like she was being a little hard on herself later for not being clear, and she theater said she was trying to own her part in the conversation gap, I was trying to tell her that I would never make her feel badly when she makes mistakes and I don’t want her to ever feel that I would be pointing my finger at her in anger if she does something by mistake… Part of me, believe that’s true, but part of me was kind of going… Hint, hint… If you know what I mean. Because I did feel she was being highly critical that I forgot to consider this week before I made that declaration. I can’t beat myself up over it. It’s already happened. I can’t change the past. I just have to figure out what to do Going forward. Our conversation before that was just so much like the ones from before… Flirty, fun, lots of smiles, lots of comparing thoughts… I think I’m feeling a little less critical of her response this morning, although still worried that the bottom is going to fall out. I said that to her last night… That was all of these “problems“ and her telling me that maybe it wasn’t going to work out, but I feel like I’m going to be going forward on eggshells, and that doesn’t work well for me. Eggshells. That seems to be how I’m going to feel all day, and until things start to stabilize a bit with her. If they ever do. Once again, I won’t be surprised if I talk to her later today and she starts talking darkly again. Ironically, at the tail end of our call, during the sign off, she was starting to get kind of lovey-dovey, which I haven’t seen for a while… Like saying, she wanted to give me a big hug, the smile had returned to her face, she felt she was glad that we had to talk, and that it was productive… Even though inside, I was feeling completely opposite… And she asked me if we were going to be able to talk before my band practice tonight, and I told her when I could call her… All the while, I’m feeling kind of beat up inside, and feel like I was kind of a manipulated with her whole demeanor in the conversation… Although, I was trying to take a step back and acknowledge that she was trying to own her part in it, and trying to come up with a solution that was good for both of us, despite the continuous feelings that she was still kind of pointing the finger at me and shaking… “Bad dog“. I’ve heard that all my life, and I won’t be able to hear it much longer. what are together, my heart is very sore this morning, and I don’t really know how to let that conversation go. I tend to think I’m triggered and overreacting and emotionally dysregulating. Would that be a fair statement?

Wise, we left it with the understanding that I’d go up over the weekend and I would try to get out of taking my kid to camp on Monday and Tuesday. She was hinting at me trying to do the same for later in the week, but I don’t think I’m going to try to push for that. I just agreed to take the kid to camp this week simply not connecting that I was going to try to go up there next week for a day or two. It just went over my head. at One point she said something like it was frustrating to think that I wasn’t even thinking of her when I agreed to that. It wasn’t on purpose at all. I just didn’t make that connection. Probably too much other stupid stuff going on in my brain. So, I know it wasn’t that clear in the last posting, but it ended with her saying that she didn’t clarify when she wanted me to come up, which is seemingly true from my perspective… And that I would try to rearrange my schedule or favorably for next week. I probably said some thing that didn’t go over well… I try to encourage her not to be hard on herself for not being clear, because she seems to be a little discouraged by that… And I told her that I will try hard not to point fingers if somebody makes a mistake… Which was my back door way of encouraging her not to point finger at me when I make a mistake I definitely felt like she was pointing her finger at me as a result of my mistake, and it was pretty clear she wanted me to know it. that kind of behavior may be a dealbreaker for me.

Wow… What a bizarre conversation I just had with the doctor lady. It started with our usual evening, chat, and it was great… It was fun, engaged… But after about an hour, it then it took a very drastic turn downhill fast. She asked me what my thought was about spending time with her at the beach house this coming weekend and next week for her vacation week. I was psyched that she brought the topic up, and it seemed like she wanted me to be there more than I had expected her to be. My understanding, probably what I have even said on here, is that I knew I could be there over this weekend, but I would likely have to work for at least some of the days next week, but I was hopeful I might be able to get a couple of days off by rearranging things. But then it occurred to me that I made a pretty terrible mistake, and that I had forgotten that I had promised to drive my kid to her theater camp each morning, and it completely went over my head that that would mess up my days next week that I may have been able to go up to the beach house. She was pissed. As soon as I pointed out that I had made that error, she said something like “well, I’m upset by that, and it makes me think that I need to be with somebody that can prioritize spending time with me when I’m available”. She didn’t say it angrily, she almost said it as if a switch turned off, and she was coming up with an Epiphany, a reality of sorts. It sounded like she was basically ending it. And when I inquired as to what she meant, that’s pretty much what she was indicating… That it was not acceptable that I wasn’t able to spend the time up there that was important to her, therefore, it was endangering us continuing. That felt hugely manipulative and toxic to me. And for about the next hour, I was having a hard time focusing on anything else other than that one statement. It was triggering that I was almost feeling like I was being threatened, that if I didn’t spend the appropriate amount of time with her, that her and I would not be a good fit. She was pretty clear with that. I was able to calm myself down a little bit, and try not to feel like I was being manipulated, and it’s unclear to me now whether it was manipulation, or she was just telling me what she was feeling, which was, she was frustrated that I had made this stupid mistake, and that I hadn’t prioritized what she was hoping was going to happen next week. After I clarified what I understood from her, she was able to admit, and I hope this was truthful, that she could now see that she wasn’t really clear exactly how much she actually told me that she wanted me to be there, and in her head, she thought I was going to try to work things out and be there a good chunk of the week. I always knew that wasn’t likely, but we never really clarified what each others expectations were. So, over the second hour of the conversation, we were able to come to some conclusions, but even at the end, her language was something like, “well at least you know that if you make mistakes like that again that it’s probably going to lead to this not working out“ or something like that. She didn’t use those exact words, but that’s what I was hearing. Again, it almost sounded like a threat. To me that seems toxic. I don’t know how to move forward with that. So now, I have to figure out whether or not I’m over reacting, and maybe just triggered by thinking she was being manipulative, or whether she actually was being manipulative. The evidence that points to her being manipulative… was that she would hold something like that over my head, even before I told her about the mistake I made, or maybe it was after I don’t remember. I almost got the sense that she was saying, “you are either going to be able to see me X amount of time, since you knew this was really important to me, and if you’re not going to be able to ship up, then you’re gonna have to ship out“. It almost parallels the hair conversation from how I interpreted it. I’m not sure I’m explaining it well. It’s hard for me to grasp but I heard. It didn’t feel pretty. Most of the time anyway I just have to be sure that I am interpreting what she was saying correctly. I know she was frustrated and upset. I almost wonder if she had had a few glasses of wine tonight, since tomorrow is her day off. There were times where I thought that her thinking process seemed a little stilted, but I can’t really say for sure. She may have just been tired. I’m not sure whether my thinking was failing due to being upset and anxious at what I was hearing. I don’t think I was at my best for the rest of that conversation, and I’m not sure that I probably made a very good impression after that. It seemed like I was mostly trying to dig my way out of a hole, although, eventually, she seemed to settle on the notion that she hadn’t really clarified how much she wanted me to be up at the beach house, and for how long, which is true. I had no way of knowing that she was hoping I’d be there the whole week. I expected that her family was going to be there and I couldn’t presume that she was going to want me there the whole week. But she said tonight she would rather be up there with someone (she didn’t specify me) rather than by herself. I had no way of knowing she felt that way. She comes across as being very independent, and wants her downtime, so I would have thought she might have wanted a few days up there by herself. I would have no idea cause we didn’t talk about it. so it was really a classic misunderstanding. But, through much of our negotiation, I felt her finger pointing at me, as if she was blaming me for her discomfort, as a result of my mistake. Through most of the conversation, she seemed irritated by the mistake. As I mentioned, at one point, she said that she thought that me that making that mistake made it clear to her that this kind of thing might be more likely than not to happen again… meaning she felt like she was in a tough space, and was feeling pitted up against what I need to do in the other half of my life, which is managing my kid. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around whether I feel like I was being manipulated when she was saying that she wasn’t convinced that these things are not going to continue to happen, and prevent us from seeing each other, and that this would work. At one point, toward the end of the conversation, she even stopped and said “so from what you’re saying, it sounds to me like we should probably just say this isn’t going to work“. I told her I never said that, and I don’t even think that, but she said, because of all the conversations we’ve had and how I jump to the conclusion of “well maybe this just isn’t going to work”, she saw that as me coming up with reasons why it wasn’t going to work. I don’t think what she was fully grasping is that I was saying those things based on the reasoning she was giving me that she was having problems… Religion/hair/scheduling/house. The list seems to be getting longer. she would probably tell you that she didn’t think those things were a big deal breakers, but once again, she was saying that she felt I was pushing her to make a decision. Well, in some way, that’s probably true. If those things are problems for her, then, perhaps it’s better to figure them out sooner rather than later. But then she turned her mood around after I said to her that I am no way was interested in calling it quits… then she suddenly was more positive about working out the problems rather than calling it quits. So the conversation was somewhat confusing at times, because her thought process seem to be going from one direction to another. Mine can do that as well, but I thought I was pretty stable for most of the conversation, and I was pretty clear when I told her I was not happy about the part when she said that since I couldn’t make it up to the beach house that maybe she needed to be with someone that could prioritize that kind of time with her. I told her that felt like a really hard thing for me to hear, but I didn’t tell her that it felt like a threat, but that’s exactly what it felt like to me. am I not hearing that rationally? Did that not sound like a “if you can’t give me what I want I’m gonna have to just go find somebody who will“? Wow, I’ll probably have a rough night. I’m not feeling warm, fuzzy thoughts right now, that much I can tell you. Are my dark feelings justified here? I wonder if she was able to come to the understanding that it was just a communication issue, notwithstanding the mistake I made? I almost got the impression during the early part of the conversation that me making the mistake was not acceptable to her, and she almost kind of preached to me for a while about how making a mistake like this could have consequences, in terms of her wanting to continue. I don’t like being held to that kind of standard, I don’t think. We all make mistakes. Anyway, I’m rambling and it’s getting late. I am almost wondering if she’s going to think that I was too melodramatic and how I handled that conversation. I was not warm and fuzzy through a lot of it. But neither was she. She may wake up tomorrow and say she doesn’t want to deal with that kind of drama, who knows. Although, in some ways, I think she brought it on herself. Communication gaff, or manipulation? What do you think?

Well… I don’t actually know if I will be going up there yet Plus, we didn’t actually have sex last weekend. But then again, I had seen her Tuesday/Wednesday the week prior, but I think I was a little weak in that department, so who knows if that had anything to do with it.

I am afraid to ask her when I will see her next. It’s not so much I’m afraid to ask her. I’m afraid of the answers and what conversation it will bring on. Mostly. I’m just afraid. more than usual.

She doesn’t like my glasses either. She doesn’t think they are a good fit for my face, and thinks I could find some that are more flattering. Fine. I’ve had a couple of other thoughts and the last little while… I don’t know if they are relevant… It’s more just trying to figure out where her head is at. I wonder if she feels a little more vulnerable now that she has allowed me to see her more complicated sides of her personality. I definitely feel more vulnerable after telling her all my stories. I wonder if she’s feeling a little awkward, and may be feeling a little self-conscious because of the conversations from last weekend, and witnessing her in her “Crazy“ mode. I may have already said that. It just feels different, though now, but it said that 1 million times. She’s still smiles and looks happy to see me on the video calls, but I can tell it’s just not the same. Those adoring gazes are just not there any longer. She doesn’t smile for nearly as long. Seems almost routine now. Maybe that’s OK. I guess it just depends on other factors, but I won’t know until we talk.

Well? I couldn’t find any other good pictures, but I saw a few wear my hair looked a little ragged. If I don’t brush it, it will get a bit bushy and it looks a bit unkempt. There is a chance that she saw it like that on a bunch of occasions, because at least three times we have been out and about in the rain, where I’ve had a hood on it probably ruffled it up a little bit. By and large, I don’t think it’s a complete disaster. Get your gawking in now, because I’ll be deleting these fairly soon… 🙂