Whirling D

If she told me, there was a dress code, so be it… It just feels a little insensitive and controlling for her to almost make it sound like it’s a mandate, only needed to make her feel less scrutinized. But you know what, we all have our needs, and our hangups. I’m trying not to make that big of a deal of it, but as you know, I probably will. I need to learn to chill and shut up more. If I drank more coffee, I would probably feel less depressed on a regular basis… It’s when I don’t drink coffee that I start to go cold, turkey and get all weirded out. Like yesterday and this morning.

That’s such a nice invalidating post, rainbow, thank you. Well, I pretty much agree, although I know if she invited me to one of her doctor events, I would probably be asking her what would make sense for me to dressing, just to make her comfortable… But to have it mandated by her feels a little controlling, which I think is what you said before, and which that Facebook posting was also saying. If this topic comes up again, I’ll use the anecdote of asking her to dye her hair green if she ever comes to one of my gigs. :-)j

That’s exactly what I did when I was married, and it worked out fairly well. I didn’t have a lot of zeros in my own personal account, but every once in a while, my ex-wife would throw some extra cash my way, because she knew that eventually I could probably use it for something… Which I eventually did. As long as I had a little bit of coin in that account, I was usually OK. And when I say a little bit of coin, that mean only about $1000. That’s about what I felt I was financially worth at that time… But little did I know I probably could’ve had a lot more in that account, based on information I found later, but I don’t really care about that anymore. As long as I know that a future partner is going to be willing to stretch a little bit if Something Happens, like my car blows up, or what have you, they can have all of my money, as long as all the bills are paid, and I get to buy a little something, maybe, once a year… And when I say a little something, maybe $1000 worth of musical equipment or something. Not extravagant by most standards.

I want to hear that and internalize it, but I’ve been judged by how I look, whether it be my hair, or my “tender” physical appearance, almost my entire life. If that’s almost never been positive, believe me. So when I hear someone who claims to care about me, making comments about perhaps making her feel uncomfortable, at one of her professional environment, that makes me feel a bit triggered and uneasy… Almost a little bit offended. I’m trying hard not to feel that way, but I kind of do. Part of the way I try to live my life is to try to let go of stuff that is detrimental in that way… I don’t always get it right, but I’m trying. I try to cut back on my thinking that whoever I’m dating is going to be any sort of reflection of me, one way or the other… And that person should be able to present and carry-on in which ever way they feel they want to live their life… And if I don’t like it, I have to either live with it, or find somebody else. I am just hoping in this case, she is not thinking I am rigid enough in my thinking that she would need to go find somebody else… I did try to tell her I would do whatever I can to make her feel comfortable in those settings, whatever that meant to her.

OK, so I guess my patience paid off… The doctor lady texted me… Said that her friend had left, and she was now able to chill for a bit. I feel a bit more relaxed now. I sent her a short, silly reply, and she said she had a good time with her girlfriend yesterday, and they went out shopping in one of the tourist towns nearby… And then had some time for a girl talk… To which I replied… “Oh, I’m not sure I even want to know… 😂🤣” I think I am leaning towards the notion that I am creating all this chaos in my own head. Do you think this is perhaps so?

Such a true statement, S. Thank you. I spend way too much time thinking about what might happen, and then, trying to compare it to what already has happened, which reinforces what might happen. It’s this endless circle that goes around in my head. I’ve been revisiting this notion of going on medication. I don’t know where to go with it. My daughter had this absolutely extreme meltdown on, I think Thursday. Just as she was starting to come out of it, I had this idea of suggesting that she takes her antianxiety med, and she thought it was a good idea. Within about a half an hour she was a different person. She might’ve been settling in anyway, but I asked her the next morning if she thought that the medicine made any difference, and she said she thought it had helped bring her down. She literally had the devil inside of her for about an hour and a half that night… It morphed between bawling, her eyes out, and this persona that was like, “FU, I’m going to do exactly what I want and you can’t stop me because you guys are A holes”. It was like a completely different person had inhabited her body. That was exactly the same with the nurse practitioner lady I dated up until about two years ago. I loved that girl, and she could be the sweetest woman, and so giving and generous, but when somethings snapped in her head, it was like evil lightning bolt struck her. She became a completely different person. Not one that I knew, or even wanted to know. It was so sad. That is a strong characteristic of borderline personality disorder, which is what the practitioners at my daughters mental health program back in March were saying she suffers. It’s not medically accepted to diagnose kids that are 15 with this disability, but that’s pretty much what they were saying. I think my former girlfriend was beyond a doubt a borderline. Just for reference, the term borderline takes its name from being borderline psychotic. When people that have this disability start to “Split“, they almost become psychotic, and their brains go into a mode that is almost trance like, and the symptoms are defensiveness, anger and almost a psychotic delusion. Anyway, that’s got nothing to do with the doctor lady.

So, in your thoughts… Leave her be… Not even a simple text like, “hope you are enjoying your time up there with your friend… 🌺❤️“ Not even a little hello like that to tell her I’m thinking of her?

All true, blue… Although, she was the one that encouraged, at least in the beginning, and really still was… That we talk almost every night and every morning. There were Times I wondered if a codependency was brewing, and I didn’t really think that would be such a bad thing, if both of us were up for that. But it turns out that it may be more complicated than that, if she is not really capable of sustaining that kind of contact. I’m sure I wouldn’t be, either, in the long run… But I do remember that even when I was married, my ex-wife left the house at an ungodly hour, and we would always talk on my 45 minute ride to work. I think it was pretty much every day. Same with my daughter. When she stayed at her mothers, her mother would call me and let me speak to her every single morning. That’s just the way it was. So, from that perspective, I don’t think it’s that unusual that two people would wanna say good morning to each other if they really care about each other, and that’s the perspective I’ve been taking… Same with our phone calls at night. That’s what makes me scratch my head a bit about this radio silence from this weekend… It’s highly unusual. But you are right, I was worried about these kinds of gaps when I first was talking with her on dating apps. I don’t think there’s been this kind of gap since then, really. Maybe during the day, or so, but it always straightened itself out within about 12 hours. This has been 24 hours (even 48 hours if you consider the brevity of Yesterdays correspondence), and I wouldn’t even care that much if it wasn’t proceeding a complicated weekend. and I like the idea of giving her time to herself… I tried to do that on Tuesday night when she told me to call her, and I offered her to just talk with her in the morning because I knew she was exhausted. She accepted. I was trying to offer her that space. I hope she wasn’t thinking I was trying to be avoidant, but I suppose that’s possible. I can only shake my head with how screwed up I feel right now.

All true, and a very valid question, rainbow. my ex-wife had extreme avoidant characteristics. I’m starting to see some similarities. My ex-wife could be loving and giving and generous to a fault. But I couldn’t come to grips with the fact that she was fairly angry and avoidant a good chunk of the time I would be with her. I know I will have my share of avoidance, as well, and you have pointed that out on multiple occasions. The difference, I think, is that I am able to tell when I am becoming avoidant, and even being able to tell when I am creating things in my head, which I may be right now… But sometimes what I feel in my head turns out to be true, and that’s what the doctor lady said a few weeks ago… It wasn’t that I was imagining something, it was that I was smart. That’s exactly what she said. Being with an avoidant like my ex-wife was tough for similar reasons. But always left me thinking I did something wrong or said something wrong, and you are right with your question… Do I want to live like that? with the doctor lady, the jury is still out, since I will need more experience. If I get a chance to have those experiences, which I hope. The doctor lady is also a lovely lady, but I get the sense that she can come back from that avoidant mode a lot more quickly than my ex-wife could. A little bit of that a speculation, though. my ex-wife couldn’t tolerate being touched, and if I can be clear, physical intimacy wasn’t something that my ex-wife particularly valued. I think she did it because she appreciated the closeness, but she felt almost nothing in terms of arousal, and most of the times it often felt she was doing it for me rather than for herself. That’s tough, because it’s important for me for it to be a mutual experience. Doctor lady isn’t that way, or seemingly isn’t. She enjoys and encourages the intimacy… And can derive pleasure from it from a slightly more hedonistic perspective, if I dare say. I’ve tried hard to allow her to experience that, because she said she didn’t get that for the longest time. Ironically, we were not intimate that last weekend… Since she had said pretty quickly that she had been sore from the previous weekend, because of some condition she apparently has… I don’t remember the name. I did wonder if that was just a way out for her because she wasn’t feeling it? I don’t think so, because she had described that condition previously, even before she had become sore, so I do think that there is something that happens with her that makes it less comfortable to be intimate. I even told her that I have a similar condition, which leaves me feeling almost impotent on a fairly regular basis, and also even changes my brain pattern… If I am feeling “impotent” At any point, I suddenly become a huge avoidant, and start looking at people and life and my partner in a very negative light. It’s almost predictable. When I start to feel incapable of being intimate, my brain just changes. It’s like a switch goes off, and my brain becomes much darker and my attraction toward my partner goes down into the negative numbers and far down. That’s when I push people away prettyAt any point, I suddenly become a huge avoidant, and start looking at people and life and my partner in a very negative light. It’s almost predictable. When I start to feel incapable of being intimate, my brain just changes. It’s like a switch goes off, and my brain becomes much darker and my attraction toward my partner goes down into the negative numbers and far down. That’s when I push people away pretty strongly. strongly. as for her being avoidant… Which I have seen evidence of, and she has likely seen evidence from me… anyway, more specifically, if I found out that she was avoidant here and there, I could probably handle that, but it depends on what extent. If she’s avoidant every time I see her, I think that would be a problem. She was avoidant quite a bit last weekend… She was running around like a crazy girl doing this and doing that, worrying about the dogs and how clean everything was… so, I would have to ask myself this question… How important is it that I get 24 seven attention from this lady, given how decent and sweet I know she is in most other scenarios? She has the capacity to be awesome, but then again, so did my ex-wife. Look where that got me. I was incapable of sustaining that level of avoidance. It was doing the same thing to me then as this is now. As I say again, look where that got me.

Additionally to mention… She knows I have my kid all week, even knowing I told her my kid works for six hours each day… But she’s the type of lady that would probably think she doesn’t want to disturb time with my daughter this weekend, perhaps knowing that we’re going to see each other a lot next weekend. At least I hope that’s what she’s thinking.

Thank you rainbow. Your thoughts are welcome anytime, whether you think I’m listening or not… 🙂 yeah, my heart and soul have been preparing all weekend for what you are saying. But she’s a tricky lady in that regard. She’s fairly emotionally complex. On one hand, she conveys herself as being fairly needy, and seems to appreciate and need constant attention and reassurance… At least she did until recently. The flipside of that coin is that she may be a bit avoidant, and have a hard time sharing her time in space with someone else, although she was with her double X for 15 years, and then her last boyfriend for three, both of which she said she felt little connection with for a good chunk of the time she was with them, but yet she stayed. The alternative thinking pattern, and there’s also evidence of that, is that she feels secure enough at where her and I are at and she knows that we will be talking soon enough. I’d like to think that’s true, and every once in a while my brain clears and I Believe there is a strong chance this is true. If you recall, I have felt this insecure when there was gaps before, and it was always perfectly fine when we reconvened, and it turned out to be almost all in my head. I would be perfectly fine with this downtime between her and I, if we weren’t coming off of a weekend that had a couple of stressful moments. Moments that basically amounted to me telling her she should be considering whether her and I are the right fit. She seemed to get by that conversation, but how do I really know? if I look at the positive side of things… Here is what I see… I didn’t hear from her by text at all on Friday, and I backed away, and she called me out of the blue at around 8 PM Friday night, after she had decided not to leave. That was sweet, and it took away a lot of my anxiety. However, of course, there is the possibility that my presence in her life just takes up her dark spaces… Which could be sent the same to be true for me. But I do like her, from what I’ve seen so far, and I think she likes me as well. She even told me on Friday night, as you know, that she wasn’t going to have a chance to talk on the phone over the weekend, but she would check in with texts. She did that yesterday, although not with much fanfare, but that’s been kind of what our texts have been like lately. That could be another indicator that she is secure enough in where we are at to feel she doesn’t need to be lovey-dovey all day long like we used to be. That’s probably a much healthier place for her to be, I guess. I don’t know. I like that kind of contact and exchange of emotional gestures. I know a lot of people do. That’s just a difference in style, I guess. I’ve been known on many occasions since I’ve known her to create things in my own head that may not be true, and if I even think back of the conversation that I had on a video call with her Monday, which would have been 48 hours after the difficult conversation, if I remember correctly, but I can’t member what day the difficult conversation was, either Saturday or Sunday… Anyway, something we were talking about made her start laughing, and we both started laughing hysterically… It was a blast. It was a nice call. Things seemed OK, at least somewhat for a good chunk of the other calls and video calls during the week, although she said she was exhausted all the time, and she sounded it. I was worried that it might’ve been because she was anxious about me and being with me any longer. I think I still said… “Love you…“ The last time I spoke with her on Friday, and if I recall correctly she returned the sentiment. when I think of all of these things, it makes me think I may be hugely overreacting. But as you say, I have to prepare for the worst. There’s a strong chance it’s coming. Her silence this weekend could be a very strong indicator of that. I’m hoping not.

And you know… There is no way she hasn’t had tons of time to be thinking about sending me a quick text that would say, “thinking of you, wish you were here”. That would have been fairly common only a few weeks ago, I think. Radio silence this weekend. I almost have to be a blockhead not to think that this is a little bit of a sign of what is to come.

Thank you, bat. I appreciate that. When you say, isn’t it obvious, are you talking about the fact that her and I are not a good fit, or that if her friend convinces her otherwise that she’s not a good fit? I am not entirely convinced that her and I are not a good fit. Outside of all the financial stuff, and the religious stuff, her and I connect quite well. We have a lot of the same feelings of being introverts and outcasts, and we connect on that level. We enjoy being in each other’s company, a lot, and enjoy doing a lot of the same things… There are plenty of things we have in common in that regard. We both really enjoy how we get along when we are together. We talk a lot. She laughs a lot at the things I say, and I could use that in my life. A lot. I feel so drawn to her when we are together. Like no one else. Many times, it almost feels like two peas in a pod… to a degree. We kind of speak the same language in so many ways. It’s only culturally speaking that we’re very different. What does that really mean in the long run? I don’t really know. I don’t really care that much, but I’m getting pretty clear signs back that she may. If anything, that’s where my biggest fear lies. Like what she said in the middle of the night last weekend when I said to her, “I’m sorry, I feel like I can’t be what you need me to be“ and she responded, if I recall correctly, “but you do… You see all my little quirks, and you accept me for them anyway“. That’s a little bit of an odd response, but it goes both ways. She has, at least, until recently, been seemingly willing to except me for who I am. At least, seemingly. That may be changing. So, I’m tempted to not reach out to her today, although over the last month or so, it’s always been me reaching out to her at night with a call… I don’t usually text her before hand and ask her if she wants to talk. I just called. She always seems happy to hear from me. Do I risk making her think I’m being passive aggressive by not following the same routines? If she is a traditionalist, she may be expecting me to be the one to take the lead. I’ve been happy to do this, but if I stop doing that this weekend… I fear that she may begin to think I’m playing games with her?

I’m curious… What in the world would make you think that I look down on her success and her financial freedom? I don’t think feel that I do that at all. I’m happy for her, and only a little bit envious. I don’t desire fancy things or a lot of money. They are not going to make me happy. Human connection, and understanding are about the only things that I have any real value for. Perhaps maybe knowing that I would grow old with someone in a partnership, and knowing that partnership could help keep me safe should something go wrong with my partner. That might be the exception. Another example… I enjoy her house, and I also really enjoy her Beachhouse. But I don’t really enjoy them anymore than I enjoy my house and environment. I come home to my house and really value this beat up old house out in the woods. It speaks to me for what it is, rather than what it isn’t. My house tells stories of history and tradition. The words to me represent the energy that somebody in the past has left behind here. I can open my windows here and let the fresh air in, whereas in her house, all the windows and blinds are closed because there’s a massive interstate highway, about 2/10 of a mile through the woods. She drives a fairly expensive car, and is already thinking about her next expensive car. I drive a Honda CRV that I actually feel drives better than her expensive car and has more safety features than hers does. Same year. So, I don’t go by the motto that expensive things are necessarily better. They’re just different.

I have felt completely out of sorts for the last several days. I’m uncommonly depressed. Lack of energy or will to do much of anything. I’m still trying to keep busy, and I do feel better when I keep my mind occupied, but I can’t help feeling the same rain and clouds in my head that I see outside my window right now. It’s raining pathetically. I can’t tell, if what’s been going on in my head is imaginary (which it may very well be), and when I look back at the last bunch of times I was with the doctor lady, yes, there were some complicated moments… Just one last weekend, really with the hair thing, but that was kind of a combination of a few complicated conversations over the last 10 days or so… I can’t help but think that the silence that I’ve been experiencing over the last 48 hours may be the residual effect of that. Consider: this is a woman that I have spoken to, for the most part, each morning for a half an hour, and each evening for at least a half an hour (even with the evening in the morning we missed this past week due to her fatigue)… and even when I was on vacation back in April, when we were just starting to really date in earnest, we would text at least a bit every day, with her often being the first to check in, and then I spoke with her in a video call every night. No pretty much silence. Although she kind of warned me that she had no time to talk this weekend. We talked briefly on Friday night when she decided to get up early and leave the next morning. We exchanged a single text yesterday morning, with her offering “grey day”, with no emojis or anything. You saw yesterday what I wrote back. The radio silence just seems odd, and somewhat perplexing. In my puny little brain, it seems to be telling a story. A story in which my character feels like I’m being put a bit on the back burner of her life. Generally speaking, not just this weekend. Maybe even the stove with that burner has been turned off. That’s the end of the meal, so to speak. I’m very glad she is spending the weekend up at her beach house, and I am presuming her friend ended up meeting her there (as of Friday night there was a little bit of doubt her friend would make it up there, but the friend said she thought she would). I would be happy for that. But I’m also nervous about that. She told me that her friend is also a doctor, and lives a very lavish lifestyle… I have this bad feeling there could’ve easily been a conversation such as, “yeah, my new boyfriend doesn’t have a penny to his name, and has long hair”. It is almost culturally, appropriate that her friend, being of high value, would say something like “Dr. lady, why would you choose someone like that, with all the guys that you would likely be able to catch with who you are? Is this really the road you wanna travel?” I suspect that’s what her mother might also say, and her brother. That’s not at all a comforting feeling. Of course, if I met these people in person, I would have no trouble presenting myself as a smiling, decent person that can engage fairly easily, and at least marginally hold a conversation. That doesn’t necessarily mean that the person on the other end will actually like what I had to say, and feels any kind of kinship. We know my luck with that kind of thing. So here I am, early on this Sunday morning, feeling almost a little annoyed that things seem to have shifted to radio silence, for reasons I don’t understand, and I don’t relate to. If it were me going on a trip with my friend, Larry, I’d be sending her photos and emojis off and on all day, like it was a month ago between her, and I. So there’s really only one of two things this lack of communication might mean. She’s having fun and enjoying herself, and she knows her and I will talk soon enough… or…she is starting to pull back and rethink the prudence of being with me. I was almost getting a sense of that last week. Although they was still scant evidence to the contrary. Her state of mind the last time I spoke with her indicates the former, since she said that she’s not gonna have a lot of time to talk while she’s up there. Maybe she’s taking the time to be separate, just because she is an introvert, and openly says she needs her own downtime. When I’m not struggling like this, I feel exactly the same, so I get it. It’s just not knowing that drives me batty. I feel so alone and rejected, even if it’s only in my own head. Yes, I’ll keep busy today, yes, I’ll tried to take care of myself, but yes, I’m going to end up being a mess, one way or the other. So now I have two choices… I can send her a brief text later on this morning, wishing her a nice day, which would be almost expected, or I can follow her lead. She knows how I feel. She knows I enjoy talking to her. She knows she told me she wouldn’t have a lot of time to actually talk while she was up there, although she did say she would text. The proactive part of myself says I should wait it out, and let her come back to me, like she did yesterday morning, although with not much really to say on her part. At least it showed she was willing to reach out and she was thinking of me, however, briefly. I do worry a bit that if I don’t reach out to her today, and I don’t hear from her, it just might be sending a stronger signal to her that I am acknowledging that things are fading. Is that the message I wanna send to her? So… Do I wait it out, or do I sent her a very gentle good morning later on?

I’ve never held it against her. I guess. I hear what you are saying, and I get it. However, if the roles were reversed, and I married a lady that had virtually nothing, and I loved her, I would want to make sure that if I was the one that passed first, but that lady was well provided for. That’s just me, I guess. I consider her assets almost an inconsequential part of who she is, as I would hope she would consider my lack of assets inconsequential. It hasn’t seemed like it has been an issue, but I can’t really say what she’s truly feeling and thinking.

For sure, but we have talked about partnership before, and her and I both mentioned prenup… Whatever that amounts to. In some ways, that should’ve been a bit of a red flag, regardless of whether I have any interest in her supporting me or not, which I don’t, other than the usual partnership mutuality.

I wouldn’t think so, wise… Based on many of the conversations that we have had. I get the impression that she is starting to think I am stubborn, and with the hair thing, perhaps even inflexible by her standards. I think that in order to come to that conclusion accurately, one would have to fully understand the concepts of the other, and truthfully, I can’t yet say whether she does. She does say that she comes from a more “traditional” background… Which is much less “progressive” then my thinking patterns tend to be, so I know that likely plays a part of it. For example, she has said several times that she has always believed, by tradition, that the man pays for dates. That may very well be why she doesn’t question me forking out the cash pretty much every time we go out. Mind you, she does other thoughtful things for me. She has made me dinner two three times (mostly these very expensive pre-prepared packages, which are actually pretty good) and breakfasts, and I have done the same. So in that regard, it’s pretty equal. I think she sees me as being fairly self-sufficient, or perhaps she is starting to see me as a bit too much self-sufficient. I think it probably made her think differently when she came to my house, and saw how much of me is embedded into this house, or how much of my kid was a part of this house. I don’t think she felt hugely confident that I was going to be able to break away from that. She may be right, at least in the short run. There is certainly a possibility that, perhaps, even subconsciously, she sees me a bit as a pet project… Someone that she thinks has so much potential, and with the right dial in, maybe I will become more than she might think I am. If that is the case, and there is a bit of evidence pointing to that, her and I will never work. I can’t, and won’t be someone’s project. No differently than she could probably never be a pet project of mine, but because of her positions in society, that would never happen. Her role in society is well regarded, and respected, and mine is disrespected. Continuously. That’s a cultural bias. And that’s my opinion, of course.

Same. I wouldn’t ever dream of asking to pool money with the doctor lady if we didn’t get married. I’m talking about later on if that was the case.

You may have misunderstood, bat. I wasn’t imagining saying that to her by text. I was wondering if I should say that to her next time I see her. About three weeks ago, I felt the same kind of tension, and I didn’t see her for the whole week, but I could feel that something seemed to have changed, so, within the first half an hour of seeing her, I asked her if something had been on her mind, in almost the same words I suggested above. She was highly appreciative that I brought it up and was willing to talk about it. She was upset about a few things, and one of them is about how my daughter got into my car that night, and was disruptive and rude. We talked about it, and she said that she was very happy that she was with someone that was willing to be sensitive to her feelings and could talk about things thoughtfully. And yes, from one perspective, you could say that it was manipulation on my part to ask her that, because, yes, I was worried that she was mad at me for something. If that makes me manipulative, then I guess so be it. It also makes me someone that wanted to get to the bottom of why things might have been changing. That’s for both of us, as well. All was well that ended well that day. I’m not sure I’m going to use the same strategy this time around, but I can’t say. I’m kind of bursting at the seams to talk about those things I mentioned above… The hair conversation. Me telling her whether we’re going to have to decide whether I can fit into her life, etc. But, who knows, maybe it’s best I just shut my mouth and try to enjoy my time with her next. That’s probably what blue and wise would say. 🙂

And then there’s the thought that my daughter and my ex-wife just got back from a cruise, and I asked her how much she figured her mother spent on a cruise, which is really none of my business, but I was curious… And my daughter said she thought it cost them over $6000. My entire savings is only four times that amount, so I can only imagine when the Dr. Lady starts talking about wanting to go on a cruise, and I’ll be basically telling her, “not a chance for me.” There was another posting somewhere, I think also on Facebook, and it was a discussion about what happens when one partner earns more than the other. Almost 100% of the respondents say that they believed that both partners put all their money in one bank account and act as partners, regardless of who earned more. They said it was the only way to do it fairly. I’m not saying that I agree, or not agree, but my ex-wife, and I pretty much did that. I had tons of more expenses than she did, but she earned slightly more than I did. We pooled our money into a central bank account, and she took out a larger amount for her own little kitty, and I put a little bit in a kitty for myself. I’m not really a spender, but maybe once in a while, I would buy something for my music interests… But other than that, the most I would ever really spend would be a Starbucks or something like that. I didn’t buy clothes, hardly ever, or shoes, only when needed. She bought lots more of that kind of stuff. Even if the doctor lady and I did pool our money, it wouldn’t be much different. I wouldn’t go on spending sprees and go nuts just because I could. That’s not my interest. Of course, there would be times where things would happened, like my car might break down, or I might need another car. I don’t need a new expensive shiny car. I wouldn’t abuse her money like that. Not sure what my point is other than I probably agree with wise that what will likely bring this down will be the socioeconomic difference, likely more than anything. She may want to live a more luxurious lifestyle and go on lots of trips, I won’t be able to do that. She even said that it would be fun to go traveling in an RV someday. I’ll never be able to contribute much to that. Unless I sell my house. We did talk about that a while ago. She asked how I was going to manage as I became older, and I told her that I thought that with a partner, my financial situation and picture would be much different. I wouldn’t be paying my full mortgage and all my bills. It would be split a little bit more easily, which would give me a little bit of breathing room. She said that made sense. Don’t really know what my point is, other than thinking out loud on here..

Yeah, I have spent a good chunk of the afternoon feeling depressed and devalued. I can’t let go of a lot of the things that have happened. Just not sure it’s in my head, or I should feel devalued. I was reading on a Facebook posting of a lady that said her daughters boyfriend didn’t like the fact that she was wearing short shorts and halter tops, and he was telling her that he didn’t like it, and even offered to take her out to buy her clothes that he thought would be more appropriate. The general responses on that posting were horrified that the boy had the nerve to try to control or change the girl he was dating to his own wishes. I have to say, I feel the same thing about the hair conversation. I know I’m bringing up the same topic, but I just can’t seem to let that one go. To me, it does feel controlling. It’s almost as if she was suddenly trying to say, I’m not going to approve of you unless you do this or that. That’s a dealbreaker for me, as it was, for almost every one who replied on my Facebook posting. There was almost nobody that empathized with the boy who wanted, the girl to change her clothing. They all said it was his problem. He was trying to control her, and it was only going to get worse, and she should dump him right away. That Facebook conversation reverberated in my head, but I still can’t find clarity as to whether or not I’m making way more of a big deal of it and it should be, and perhaps I’m looking for reasons to self destruct. It doesn’t feel that way my gut. I feel like I was disrespected. I just do, whether right or wrong.

There has been many times that the doctor lady has noticed me suddenly get quiet or looking around, and she’ll say, “what are you thinking about now”, or, “where did you just go”. sensitive people like her and I notice when something changes, and many might believe that it’s healthy to actually proactively ask their partner, if anything is on their mind. I would not at all find it cringe worthy if, and when she said something like that to me. I would think it was thoughtful. If she thinks I’m troubled by something, I would encourage her to ask. That’s kind of transparency in a relationship is built upon.

I can only imagine. I’m sorry to hear that you suffered from that. That is one of the reasons that my tendency would be to want to ask her about it again, because I would find value in sharing that pain, if it could even lower that burden for her, if even only for a short while. Beyond what people on here might think, I consider myself highly empathetic, and I do feel other’s pain quite acutely. it’s just harder to do that right now when I am wallowing and feeling a potential impending loss. Or self-destruction, however you wanna look at it.

Thanks, blue, I am sitting in a café right now just chilling for a bit. Thank you about asking about my daughter… She is a very complicated kid, and her mental health challenges can make things change on a dime. She is highly triggered by her mother, who often goes head to head with her. Me, not so much. So, I was in the middle of the rift the other day, but as soon as she left the presence of her mother, she started to settle down and things have been pretty good since. Thanks again for asking. Interestingly, I was raised within a family and a culture that didn’t promote reading. I think I’ve only read about three or four novels in my entire life. I read other stuff voraciously, and two of the three novels that I read where when we were transferred to the US in Middle School. That was pretty much it… then we moved back to Canada, and reading novels in high school in Canada was nonexistent in those days. I am probably ADHD, because I can’t sit still long enough to read novels, or to watch movies. That was troubling to my ex-wife and daughter, because they would sit in front of the TV all night every night, and I just couldn’t do it. Even the doctor lady wanted to sit in front of the TV at my house last weekend, and I sat and watched a couple of episodes of a series that she liked. I enjoyed it, and she seemed tickled when I asked her to not watch any more until we were hanging out together so I could watch it with her. A very sweet and validating smile came over her face… Kind of like “wow, how cool, you will sit and watch this with me?”. Sometimes, at night, she tells me not to call her after 8 PM, because she wants to watch the bachelor… Under my breath I just go, “ugh”. It’s not that I hate shows like that, because I’ve watched shows like that in the past. It’s just that where I am in my current head, I just don’t have any interest in sitting down and watching a show that I don’t connect with any longer. We did talk about that, although I didn’t use those Words, but I told her I’d probably be happy to sit and play guitar there beside her when she’s watching, or work on my iPad or something and that was no different for the last few lady friends I’ve had, and even my daughter. I will sit there with them and just do my own thing while they watch TV, and occasionally I’ll glance over and talk about what’s going on in the program, and they still feel a sense of connection when we do that. So that’s good. i’ll have a lot to do this weekend, so I’ll be able to keep myself busy and occupied. Doesn’t mean I won’t be thinking about her and wondering about all of these things, although I should probably get off of this platform soon and start to concentrate on other things. There are times I think writing on here exacerbates the anxiety, because it’s not allowing my mind to go elsewhere, where it would likely be much more productive. That’s one of the reasons that I often delete these posts and disappear for a week or two. That usually means I’m not obsessing as much and I’m busy doing other things.