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I will book an appointment tomorrow. the thing is, i think everyone is in on it. i remember now, that when i went to see my gp in january he asked if i was having any unpleasant flashbacks. that he got a call from a friend of mine asking him to lie to me, and tell me that something that had happened hadn't happened. that my friend thought something bad had happened to me in association with this shop. did i know the woman who ran it? did i go in there very much? probably best not to. was i still taking those herbal tablets? that's these thing. these tablets weren't even supplied by my gp. i bought them in a health shop. my friend also said he was afraid he was going to have to speak to my parents about me, was there a time he could ring them when me and my sister would be out? i have never been psychotic. no problems before. now i cannot understand what is happening to me. i would rather my friends and family told me the truth than all conspired against me. i could have therapy to deal with it. i am sure that would be better than not being sure whether this incident happened or not, and just thinking i'm going crazy. thanks for replying to my posts DN.

thanks DN. i am going crazier and crazier. i think i did something really awful that night. i am going mad. i keep remembering all these conversations i had with people, and i don't know if they are reall or not. i remember my friend asking me, if i had done something really really awful to someone, would i prefer to know about it or to be convinced that i was psychotic. at the time, not taking him that seriously i said to convince me that i was psychotic. now i think i may have assaulted someone. i think i remember doing it. i feel really sick. conversations i've had with my friends and then forgotten about keep popping into my head. i can remember them so vividly - where we were, who said what. i can't be imagining this. yet my friends won't tell me that i'm not imagining it. from our conversations i gather they thought it was best i never knew what i did. the woman i assaulted is ok, although i did something really bad to her. i haven't seen her since then- i just know because my friend told me. he told me to look at her picture on a website to see if i recognised her, but i said i didnt. i think my friend even said he was going to call my gp to let him know that if i ever came to him having flashbacks, he would know that i wasn't psychotic and would tell me that i was psychotic and give me some non-psychotic medication... either way i am mad. either way i am stupid to post this on the internet. this is probably a rambling boring post to read, but i am going out of my mind

Thanks Altaleks i really am going mad. i think that either i need to be on anti-psychotics, or that all my friends have been told to lie to me. i know this sounds mad, but bear with me. i remember a while ago my good friend pete told me that he needed to get some email addresses off me, because he needed to email people about me. and that he might need the phone number of my ex boyfriend as well. at the time i thought it was strange. he said 'if you'd done something really bad, would you want to find out about it, or would you prefer to think you were crazy?' i said that i'd prefer to think i was crazy. i remember he sent me an email, and i sent back addresses - he told me it was for my own good and not to ask too many questions. i gave him my ex's number, and pete told me he'd spoken to him, and that he was surprised i couldn't remember what happened because he thought we'd talked about it when we broke up. and finally did i ever go in this particular shop? - i said no, but its the one i was banned from. he asked also if the people were good liars, and if they would be able to lie to me about myself. that it was about something i was very very ashamed of - masturbation. i am now going mad. either i have imagined these conversations, and really think they were real, in which case i am mad, or all my friends are conspiring against me. for very good, right reasons, but i would actually now i think about it, prefer not to think that i was mad.

i have to write some more about what was definitely the worst night of my life, even though i didn't realise at the time. i have already done a couple of posts about this, but even then i hadn't remembered everything that happened. i was out with my boyfriend, who was fairly new, and who i really really liked. because i am so shy, i'd taken these anti-anxiety pills, and drinking on top of them had a really bad effect. as well as spewing out a load of really embarrassing stuff about sex, and announcing to a group of people i've never met before and work nearby that i masturbate and then telling them exactly how i do it and more, which was enough to get me barred from a shop by a local shopkeeper who happened to be passing by and was disgusted by what i was saying, there was more. apparently i called my boyfriend ugly. this is really strange, because i never remember thinking it before. i didn't think he was really goodlooking, but definitely not ugly. but now i can remember, i told them that wasn't it strange that we were going out when he was really ugly and i was really goodlooking? but he had a much nicer personality than me. they asked me how i knew i was goodlooking, and i said because when i was younger people told me i could be a model. this is true, and at the time i was stupid enough to believe them. i guess i must still have believed them - sometimes i have thought that; whatever i think about my personality i mostly think i'm attractive. i said to my boyfriend 'you don't mind me calling you ugly do you?' that is how far gone i was. he was totally crippled with embarrassment. he said 'no, you can call me it as long as you don't really think it.' and i said 'but i do really think it, i do.' no wonder he was really mean to me and then left me. i feel so awful about this. i feel bad about what i did to him, i feel bad that i am such an awful vain ugly person. i feel bad that all this happened near where i live and i still see the people i was talking to sometimes. before i remembered, a few of them approached me and asked me snide questions about it: because i couldn't remember what happened i didn't know what they were talking about. one said 'you're not a model, by the way.' i said 'no, i know i'm not a model.' and he said 'that's not what i've heard.' when another girl asked me had people told me before i could be a model i said yes, and she said do you think they were right and i said maybe if i lost a bit of weight i could be a catalogue model. i am so ashamed. with good reason i know. i can't think about anything else, i can't even concentrate enough to have a normal conversation. i don't know what to do. i can't take it all back. i can't change the past. i haven't even written down here some of the worst of what i said, and didn't mean. i am unemployed, i have to get work, but i can't, not in this state. please help.

Thanks guys, feeling much better. Still not sure that spanking is vanilla though...

Hi, thanks for replying. Unfortunately it wasn't just masturbation i was ranting on about. i can hardly bring myself to write it all down. at one point i remember the barman coming over and asking my boyfriend if he was alright, i was making such a scene. mo'Nique, you make a good point. but i just feel so stuck. i'm going to have to write down what it was i said. i told him about how when i was seventeen with my first boyfriend i didn't make any noise when i had sex 'cause i was too embarrassed, but that the boyfriend wanted me to, so i decided to practice making noise on my own! i ended up doing it really loudly, the neighbours heard (i just know they did from their reaction to me the next time i saw them). i am blushing as i write this, but it gets worse. i told him about how i once read a book of erotic stories about spanking and it turned me on and how i wasn't sure that it would in real life, but maybe i would like to try it... then i said about how fantasy is really different to reality, and told him the wildest thing i ever thought about, which will sound really sick. it's not something i thought about a lot, and it's also not something i would ever want to happen in real life, but i think that if someone else told me that i would probably think they were a bit weird. i told him how an ex of mine once got me to close my eyes when he was going down on me and then put a dildo in there whilst he was doing that and how although i was weirded out at the time the sensation was enjoyable and i still thought about it sometimes. i don't know why all this stuff came out, but i wouldn't shut up. there is more - of similar stuff, i've written most of the worst bits down, without going into too much gross detail. then, the last time i saw this ex boyfriend, he and his friend were kind of interrogating me, to see how much i remembered. he kept repeating things i said and his friend was watching for my reactions. as i had no recollection of what had happened, i mostly had no idea what they were talking about. they also got it wrong, i remember his friend saying that i did an 'embarrassed laugh of recognition' when i really was clueless as to what they were getting at. now i can remember i feel so completely humiliated. this was a guy i really thought i was falling for. he thinks i'm a total pervert. i am in my mid-twenties. i come from a supposedly liberal community, i haven't had a religious upbringing. i was going to say 'any replies welcome' but that's not quite true. replies from anyone who doesn't think i'm sick. especially anyone who understands that sometimes you might think about crazy stuff in your head, but you'd never actually dream of doing it. e.g. violent fantasies of punching this ex of mine....

this is totally the wrong forum for this post, but anyway. i am going really really mad. i posted before about one evening when i got drunk and had also been taking these anti-anxiety pills, and told my now ex boyfriend loads of stuff i was really ashamed of. i feel like a complete pervert. i know i am not, in that i want normal sex with a normal guy - but there are things in my past which i can't believe i confessed to. i cannot deal with him knowing all this stuff about me. i cannot stop obsessing over this. i can't believe that anyone else would ever want me either. it's all going round and round in my head and i can't get rid of it. to give you some idea of just how embarrassing it was, i announced to all the bar staff in the place we were in that i masturbate! that is sort of funny, in a really hideously embarrassing way, but you get the idea. i am scared that he will tell lots of people. i am scared that everyone else would react like that too: run away in horror. i guess maybe it was information overload, that i told him too much all at once. i told him kinky fantasies (which are apparently 'normal') i told him i told him.... cannot cope. brain overload. i don't understand exactly what was wrong with me that night. please help. any tips on how i could at least stop thinking about this, short of drinking and taking drugs. i just want to feel like a normal person again, not some sort of perverted monster.

Thank you annie! i will try to bear all that in mind.

me again. i don't know if anyone will read this, or what, but i have to get this off my chest. that wasn't the only thing i told him. the alcohol and the anti-anxiety pills acted together like some kind of truth serum and i blurted out other things. things i hope i would usually have the sense not to say. but it's not just that i said them - it's the fact i did them at all. i told him about a past boyfriend who was quite kinky and something he got me to do which i ended up enjoying, and then felt totally ashamed about. i was boasting as well, talking about how a lot of people fancied me at university - trying to somehow make myself look more attractive to him and also of course giving myself an ego boost at the same time - and revealing that i am in fact a vain cow. worst of all, i betrayed a member of my family. it doesn't matter that he, ex-boyfriend, will never meet this person. it matters that i said it in the first place. now i feel like crying all the time. i can't get all this out of my head. and then there he was, this ex boyfriend, parroting back to me all this awful stuff i said, and me thinking it sounded vaguely familiar, or wondering why he was saying such bizarre stuff, but not really making the connection. his friend was there too, and must of known what all this stuff related to. i am tempted to ring him, just to talk about everything. i don't know if this is a bad idea or not? i just can't go on feeling like this.

Thanks again everyone.

thanks so much for the replies. no lady00, he dumped me. having made a lot of snide remarks and jokes about it in front of his friends. i feel so humiliated. like i am a disgusting freak. your replies have helped though. i am never drinking again (well, not on meds anyway).

hi everyone please help me i feel really sick even thinking what i'm going to write. i had a boyfriend i really liked, we had only been going out a few months. one night i was with him and i got really drunk - i was also on medication - and i ended up telling him something i never told anyone. that when i was younger and first started to masturbate i used to look at my genitals in a mirror although i'd always imagine there was someone else there. is this really sick. he thought it was. now i feel so awful i can't think about anything else. has anyone ever heard of anyone else who did this?