Steve_uk
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Ok so we are talking again on msn, just being friendly, gettin along fine....she said she had to go for something to eat, so i say cool and she said she would be back later, i just put a lil "x" and she sends me back one of them rose things, lol i got a flower....ooooh.
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But she messaged me......she didnt tell me to go or not want to talk or anything....whats very annoying is that she only has the internet tomoz before she goes back home and will then only have her cell from which she cant make calls, only text, then we wont have any contact! I know maybe i should have said i cant talk as im just off out or something but i couldnt....too difficult right now.
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Ok so we talked for like nearly 2 hours on MSN, and now im totally confused....she was a bit offish at first, but once she knew i was just being chatty and friendly she was ok, we somehow got onto the subject of me and our relationship.....i know i made alot of mistakes and i was explaining to her how i would rectify them if i was put back in time etc....she was saying stuff like its just a shame its taken this to make you see, shame you couldnt see it when we were together...she was telling me bout when she went shopping yesterday and buying 2 coats......so it was quite good, it was just a friendly chat in the main, then she had to go as she said had to be up early....she said cya, and i asked if she got my email, she said she had which was kinda cool that she was talking to me after she got it....and then she said speak to you again......so hmmmmmm.... i dont want to analyze this whole thing now but i am...oh dear
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Well she messaged me on MSN... she is talking to me......
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She has just sign in t her msn account, she has now changed her name to "he said to me i look stunning, i smiled and said thankyou"
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How do i unsend an email?!! The ball is in her court, I said its up to her wether she contacts me or not, I left the door open for her, I hope she does of course, I miss her like crazy, I have no idea how she feels right now, I asked her last night when we spoke and she said she wouldnt tell me!
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A difficult day today, I ended up emailing her. I told her im just going to get on with my life, going to get rid of her numbers as she asked me to last night, but told her i love her deary and ill never forget her, if she wants to contact me she knows where i am.
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Jesus christ, that was not too good to start with...... So she went onto the forum that i mentioned earlier, the one she sometimes visits where i am a member, and she read a thread that i had put up about"if you want to lose weight get the one you love to split up with you".... anways a bunch of people had posted up and put hope you get through it etc.....and she didnt like it, sent me a message accusing me of being the only one hurt, saying im making out its only me that care's etc, when i hadnt put that at all, i didnt put anything about why we split or whose fault it was but she really didnt like it. she told me to delete all her numbers and email etc..... woah.... this was on messenger, so anyways she was messaging me saying "you dont care" etc etc coz if i had of done i wouldnt have put that up etc....saying that i now have no chance with her, she said a leopard never changes his spots and that im not trying to change etc etc......saying ive lost all my chances, so it was her who broke the no contact. So after that i HAD to call her, she answered, she wasnt impressed, still she was saying the same stuff, accusing me of not caring etc....at this point it looked like i was losing the battle as she was so angry fo spouting off about my problems to people, so i had to start saying how i was changing and wanted to change for her, and gave her some examples, telling her about mistakes i had made in the past and what id do to change that now. She didnt like the fact i had put that i may go out this weekend and try and have a laugh! she really didnt. she was like yeh go out and forget about me and have fun, go out and find someone, but then she was ok with saying how she had been out a few times to the pub or friends houses etc ffs Things gradually got calmer and i was explaining what i intended to change and she was listening, and i said i wanted things to be different between us and they would be alot different in the future if i was given that chance, i know more than anything i need to change a few things for myself in the first instance. she kept saying but why now, you wouldnt change before..... i know, but i have such a reason to now. So we are carrying on the NC thing for the time being, at first she was like ill text you but not everyday like we used to, and i said what about the concert, you were going to text me just before then in a couple of weeks, so she said ok stick to that then.......and that was it, she went.....jeez, I dont know if trying to save whats left is going to be worth it but i tried.
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OOOOH she is online now, its so difficult not to message her......
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Dont take her crap but dont be an ogre?? Whats he meant to say then??
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Why not??
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Well i tried writing some sort of a poem today! I am so close to putting it on another message board that i use simlpy as she is a member there aswell but only checks in when she has internet access which is when she is at mine or her parents, she is at her parents this weekend.
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Just back from the doctors, signed off work for a week, I dont know if thats a good or bad thing, I started to say why i was there to see him and broke down, tears and all, its not getting any easier, only the 2nd day of NC.
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Jeez this awful, just been reading through so many posts throughout the whole site. I dont want to grieve, but i cant stop it, i keep think of the last few times we were together, we went to the Zoo in London, and she was so happy, she was dancing around without a care in the world of the underground (tube) platform...we had such a fun day. I havent got dressed today, its now 1.05 am, im not tired right now, I just want her back, back here with me, I want to go to bed and wake up next to her again, give her a kiss good morning and see her smile......
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Yes i know its not good, i am not going to email her. My mind is in a daze, just keep thinking of earlier this year when she would say'I have never loved anyone as much as you' or when she sat on my bed at a time when she was on anti depressants and she said 'If im not with you i may as well be dead' and now she isnt with me she is fine and its what she wants, its killing me inside.
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She said to me last night, when i mentioned that she hasnt given me the impresino she misses me, that im not giving her the chance to miss me which gives me a bit of hope. This is all so out of the blue, she even bought me a xmas present just before she said she wasnt happy and needed some time and space last week. I just dont understand. My phone is here on the desk, she normally texts me all day every day, the silence is deafening, I just feel like she is giving her attention elsewhere, her love elsewhere, her texts elsewhere, sad i know, but she is forvever on her phone and texting me or others...... I just feel like i want to curl up and hibernate for the winter, or longer if it helps. She is going to her parents this weekend, i know she will have internet access, i want to write her an email, nothing heavy, just saying i know we need time apart and its the best thing to do etc......but i know i shouldnt, im too weak though.
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I am not going to call her or contact her now, she wants space and time which is fine, but the other day when i suggested exactly that she didnt like it and said why cant we still be friends and talk? but now its totally different. Im scared that she wont get in contact with me again, im scared that she wont miss me, im scared ill never know anything of her. She lives 30 miles away and im not just going to bump into her walking down the street. Im so scared right now, my life feels like its falling apart, I have had to take today and tomorrow off work to try and sort my had out, I couldnt get to sleep last night and felt so sick, work were understanding and i have a doctors appointment tomorrow afternoon to get some help, but right now it feels like nothing will help. Christmas is coming up, a time to spend with the one you love, then new years, again a happy time to spend with them, I dont want her to spend it with another.
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Disaster tonight. tried to ring her and no answer, tried a couple more times and no answer....then her phone is turned off for half an hour, try again it rings and and no answer, try a few more times but no luck, so i text her and ask her to please speak to me as i need to say a few things as i posted above and need to talk to her. She replied, ok have it your way she said. So i called her, she want in a very good mood, seemed the reason she was late in from work and hadnt answered at first was she cut her finger and had to get it looked at, then her battery died so phone was off.....but she wouldnt even tell me that without some questions being asked. Anyways i said all i wanted to, and way too much, just kept repeating stuff over and over, I aksed her if there was anyone else and she did say there was some guy who was nice who she had been chatting to lately but didnt know very well, the only reason she talked to him was he follows the same football team as me! but they have alot in common apparantley and when i asked her if she liked him, i got "he is a nice guy". She said she wanted her break and she would contact me in a few weeks as im meant to be going to a concert with her, so she will get in touch with that, also possibly going to the football on th 11th, but she said she may not beable to go due to work. She said if she got in touch it wouldnt mean anything and we would just be friends if we went to the concert, and by her having a break and me changing things in my life it didnt mean that we would get back together, she wanted time to think and look at things, she also said when i asked her, that she didnt love me right now. All in all very bad, she said towards the end of our convo that i was starting to piss her off and annoy her and she was tired and ratty, i was just saying the same things about how i would change for her etc, I was weak, i know, I couldnt help it. So now we have a small period, 2 or 3 weeks of no contact and ill have to wait and see if she gets in touch, its 2.35 am here, i have to be up in 4 hours, i feel so sick and ill, i really dont feel well and my head is banging, I made such a mistake tonight and i just want to rectify it somehow. Im so depressed
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No, you dont seem to understand, she is a chef, she works with all guys, I trust her that she doesnt like either of these guys romantically, I really do, I know i have nothing to worry about with them.
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Well as soon as I turned the PC off last night and got into bed she sent me a text back! Her phone was on silent it seems. So i called her up and we had a chat for a good 40 mins before she started to fall asleep (she had been up since 5am) I said there were things i wished id done differentley in our relationship, such as going to see her more and not making her come and see me, also not talking to her enough, plus said that there were lots of things I needed and wanted to change in my life, Im still living at home, mainly due to 2 redundancies and a broken leg which meant 9 months off work in the last 4 years, I just havent been in the right situation to move out so have no independance and no space, I said this was something i wanted to change and put right and get on at work and make something of myself, also prove to her that i would change and be like the guy she first met and fell for, anyways she started to get real tired and she had to be up fairly early so she said call me tomorrow which i am going tp do later. Now i have to decide what to say to her later, I want to change and prove to her that i will but want her to see it so need her around to do that, im going to ask her if we do have any sort of a future together and wether she is just letting me down gently or wether its all a smokescreen foranother person that she likes. She is very ambitious and very get up and go and I havent been the past year, i want to prove to her and tell her that i want to be and i will be. Another thing she said was how she had 2 ticketd to go and see the football team that I follow on December 11th, I got her into the sport and we used to go together with my family, I said id love to go and she repleid we will have to see what happens.........still confused.
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Thanks, yes im off to bed, im reading other area's of the site but my mind is just getting bogged down with all the info as to what i should or shouldnt do...... Id like to try and keep you updated, its good to talk. Thanks again.
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Well i tried to call her again beofre i went to bed but no answer so i just sent a lil text which read as follows... 'Ok well im not too sure why you wont talk to me but i thought it would be nice to both know where we stand, would be cool to hear bout Paris too. Guessing your not to comfortable talking about it in depth at the mo which i understand somewhat. we should talk sometimes and see how we are getting on, other than that ill give you the space and time you want, take care shortyx'
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Im sure you are correct, but im just one of these people who has to sort things out, if we ever argue I just cant let it carry on, or wait until the next day, I have to sort it..... Im scared if I just leave it now, neither of us will know whats going on, she is very strong minded and stubborn as she has to be for work and I know she if i say no contact, would def not contact me....it would be me that would struggle, and struggle an awful lot. She is not one to show emotion or open up easily and never has been, it takes time and effort to get her to speak, and when we have spoken at length before she has opened up and we have spoken a great deal about her past problems etc, but as she is this way inclined she is very unlikely to just come to me and say i miss you or tell me how she feels, again this worries me alot.
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I want to do all thses things, but at the moment im so down and out that its not possible, ims till basically grieving and im no way in the right sort of state to exercise, I have hardly eaten, Id collapse after a couple of mins! At this moment I just cant let go, cant imagine not talking to her, having no conatct, we have spoken nearly everday, morning noon and night for the last 15 months....I cant just foget that, I have a huge hole in my life now, and the silence is deafening......I will hopefully beable to do the things you say soon, but right now its not possible, its only been 4 days but already feels like a lifetime, the fact she says she doesnt know what she want confuses things even more.