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Everything posted by ShatteredMan

  1. I wouldn't say anything to her about it. Let her bring up the subject. I assume that she knows you see her Instagram content. I would let it go for a week or so, and then tell her that you lost your copy of it. Ask her if it's out on the site or if she can send it to you. Then pay close attention to her reactions.
  2. It's funny how many stories we see out here about how someone emotionally cheated on them and then they left. Now we're seeing it from someone who's actually doing it to someone else that they're married to. The OP may have gotten more sympathetic replies if had chosen to words that alluded to the fact that he doesn't love or respect his wife anymore but now realizes where this is all leading to.... I think we're all in agreement that he should have cut the cord with his new interest before it became something that it shouldn't have. Should he get counseling? For what its worth in how he deals with future relationships and to identify what drove him to make the decisions that he has, sure. Go for it. However, I'm with Wiseman on this one.
  3. Man, pack that stuff in a box, leave it by the front door and don't answer if she rings the bell. You don't need to speak with her ever again.
  4. Truth. But once you come to grips with it, you'll realize that you dodged a bullet and your life is better for it. I've just realized how much happier I am without an ex that moved on very quickly. To echo what Alchemist is saying, the realization that the fantasy that you build up around someone who monkeybranches to someone else was just that: fantasy not reality. Once you accept the reality that they don't value anything that you thought you brought into their lives, it helps with all the other components of recovery. For me, it was once I accepted the situation for what it was and that I was holding on to false hope of reconciliation (and that in itself was wearing me down far more than the breakup), the anger toward her/the situation/my poor decisions during the relationship/etc, and the anger toward myself started to subside and the real healing and moving on started. Tracee: I know you feel blindsided, hurt, bewildered as to how this could have happened. Just don't blame yourself for this. Take your time to heal and work on things that make you happy.
  5. And make sure that your lawyer has significant experience in dealing with this. I just read most of the thread at a glance. My buddy had an almost identical situation but picked the wrong attorney when it came time settle up. I assume that your PI buddy can recommend someone he's worked with but if you have any friends that are lawyers that they can refer, please check them out as well. Also, make sure her boss gets named as a participant in the court records. My heart goes out to you, KnightMan. Like you basically said, she may blame you for not keeping the flame going but she made conscious decisions to behave the way she did.
  6. Leave the guy alone. You sound like my ex (who pulled something like that on me once). If hadn't know her for ten years before we were in a relationship and been blinded by love and attraction, I would have walked then and there.
  7. I respect your opinion. By not returning communication, you are still sending a message. If she knows that he's "worthy of her time", she'll find a way to see what's up with this behavior. If she wants to know why all of a sudden she doesn't seem to be the object of his attention anymore, she will make her presence known. If she doesn't give a hoot, she'll never reach out. From my perspective, he's got nothing to lose since she's already jacking him around. He's already in pain and she knows that she has power over him at this point and is asserting control. I'm merely suggesting that he take the power back until she demonstrates that she is concerned about him not communicating with her or if he never hears from her again, then he can start the healing process through continuing no contact and self-development.
  8. Dude, you've already answered all of your own questions. It sucks because you're all excited to be getting a new girl......but you're not..... I'm glad this isn't getting you down. You know what else will not get you down: Dating other women. Hanging out with your buddies without her (and her ex who can't handle being dumped). After my big breakup, I was dating several women casually. One of them had an similar situation to this girl you're trying to get with. The guy texted her 15 times during our second date. She told me initially that she had been out of a relationship for 8 months. I told her that she should tell it to that guy, not me. I paid for drinks and walked. She did not like this. Then she began texted me with questions about what I had done....for the next three days. I told her that it sounded like her ex was unaware that they had broken up and that she could let me know when that whole situation was sorted out.....which went over like a lead balloon. Then she began text bombing me angrily until I blocked her. I have no remorse for what I did and I suspect that I had avoided a car crash of a relationship by not getting in the middle of whatever was going on. I suggest you do the same.
  9. Good grief! This is turning into a dumpster fire...... Ask her when she's moving out and getting her own place. (unless I've missed something in this thread that speaks to it already) If she can't give you a definitive answer, then you tell her to call you when she gets settled in her new place. You don't need to get jerked around like this. She's "overlapping" with you as the rebound - as everyone has said out here. If you're actually in contact with other women, how is it going with them?
  10. Had a relationship like this for three years but at least I didn't move in with her, thankfully. Every minute I had to think tactically about what would set her off. I can't tell you how good it felt to break up with her. Do the right thing for yourself. You'll find someone new who doesn't operate this way.
  11. I know that you've been involved with this girl in the past but know that you should drop this girl like a bad habit. She's emotionally attached to someone else (that she dated for far longer than you) and if you manipulate her into a relationship with you, you can forget about trust in the relationship. More than likely, she doesn't see you as more than a "male girlfriend". If you don't want to take this advice, why don't you test her? Go no contact with her for a week. Don't tell her that you're doing this. Just try it and don't respond to anything she sends (and don't you reach out to her, "like" things on social media). Disappear like a fart in the wind. If you hear from her after a week, ask her what's up and how are things going. Don't ask her about this "ex that is not". Just let her present to you what's on her mind. If you don't hear from her after a week, you should take this as a sign as how much she's thinking about and valuing you in her life.
  12. Completely agree with Wiseman. I dated a girl (albeit briefly) who waited until the third date that she was a recovering alcoholic. Her family had a massive problem with substance and physical abuse. It was hard to discontinue the courtship because I really liked her. She was attractive, we had a shared values, she seemed to have a pretty good career going and had some pretty positive goals in life. However, I had heard the stories of people who got involved with someone like this. The fact that her family was all screwed up was the deciding factor for me because even if she led the cleanest of sober lives henceforth, when you marry someone, you "marry their family too"..... A few years later, I met someone who knew her as well and apparently she got into a bad relationship later and fell off the wagon and was a complete mess despite having been sober for 6 years. While I feel very sorry for what happened to her, I'm damn glad that I wasn't part of that. Do the right thing. Let this guy recover with professional help. He's not your project.
  13. When I enter a relationship, I tell her that I'm not a big texter. To me, a text is a "respond at your leisure" message. If its important, CALL ME. I also think its rude that when I'm talking to someone, that they can't control the urge to text someone. I once had a girl pull out her phone to text someone something on a first date (within the first ten minutes). As a result, I asked for the check while she was responding. When her attention returned, she couldn't believe that I did something like that. I replied, "likewise..." and paid for her drink and then walked. If I'm doing something that I'm enjoying and I'm interacting with someone, I'm probably going to be slow to text. I also refuse to take my phone with me into the gym. I detest the millennials that have to have a text fest between sets when you're waiting on a bench or machine. There should be a law against the use of cell phones in gyms, if for nothing else, than to have punishment for those who snap pictures within the locker room. Ironically, I just left a work presentation where 70% of the people had their faces in their phones or laptops. I'd rather people just not show up if that's what they're going to do. OP: He could be multidating.....or drinking beers with his buddies. Its his business and if you don't trust him or feel that he's not fitting into your "system of values", you have the option to dump him. If I knew a girl I was dating was having these issues with my resistance to the need for constant connectivity, I'd be okay with her not being in my life.
  14. I agree with this mindset but I wouldn't communicate that to her verbally. I didn't read the entire thread but don't make any more dates with her at this point. Let her come to you when she's ready. You want her to be in emotionally available state so that you're not always wondering if the ex is still in the picture. About a year ago, I had a rough break up and was still dealing with the pain. I decided to date half the single women in my city (much to the detriment of my wallet) to try and heal. I met one girl that I really was attracted to that I had met through a mutual friend (who didn't see the danger of trying to hook up two people on the rebound) and we had mainly met to talk about employment opportunities in my company. It was the first girl that I really was attracted to that took my embattled mind off of my ex for a while. We met for coffee several times and I didn't mention a formal date because I knew the back story on her. I decided to leave it alone while I dealt with my own issues because I thought she was better than all of the other women I was dating at the time (but frankly never progressed with due to my own state of emotions). After a few months, she called me up and asked me to come over and help her move some furniture. It sounded like she had made a final clean break from her ex and that she might be available. Well she had just moved out of her ex's mansion, but was wearing an engagement ring (that I hadn't seen her wearing in our previous meetings) and was driving a Jag that he gave her. I thought to myself: Yep, a "mercenary". We had a great time hanging out but I didn't push things because I realized that it was too soon. We didn't talk for several months and sure enough, this guy found his way back into her life. Dodged a bullet. In the meantime, I met a great girl and have been dating her for the past 6 months. If I'd pursued the other one, it wouldn't have lasted and she probably would have gone back to the other guy eventually anyway. I wouldn't have healed from the previous breakup and this potential situation would have just compounded things and screwed me up more than I already was.:nightmare: Moral of the story: Don't pursue women that aren't available emotionally. You can fantasize about it but take it for what it is: fantasy. When they are ready and if they're attracted to you, they will let you know.
  15. Completely agree. Always contribute (at a minimum) what your company matches to your 401k. Every time you get a wage increase, add that percentage to your 401k contribution. And if you don't have a Roth IRA, open one soon and budget for the maximum contribution as well. Find ways to contribute to it so that you can make that maximum contribution every year until you either exceed the income limit to contribute or you decide to retire. Also, don't ever make a withdrawl from it as it will be treated as taxable income. A buddy of mine did it while he was unemployed for about a year and said it was the biggest mistake he ever made financially. Taking care of your retirement while your still young will be one of the best things you do for yourself in life. I talk to so many people that are in their late 40's that didn't start a Roth IRA until recently because they didn't realize how important it was to get going on it sooner. Now they're really freaking out that they'll won't be able to retire until they're physically too old to work.
  16. I second Wiseman's and DanZee's notes here. Now that you've done the right thing and ended the relationship, the next hurdle will be the healing from this. This guy's choice to use psychological warfare on you is not your fault. He's probably a narcissist and has done this before and will continue to do this for the rest of his life. You really can't fix these people. Go read up on it and you'll see that mental health professionals have been trying to fix people with this issue with minimal results. Most of their posts are geared toward those that are affected by them and what they can do to heal from the wounds of having relationships like this. Go ahead and let him be someone else's problem. You deserve something better in your life than what he brought.... Go get some professional therapy (not friends or family). Check any medical benefits that you have that might be able to cover the resources and costs. It will be worth it and go as often as you need until you can start moving forward and can stop blaming yourself for this situation.
  17. He's probably unhappy with himself in some way (mommy issues, bullied, etc.) or feels some form of inadequacy. This doesn't excuse his unkindness and disrespectful behavior towards you. Put his stuff in a box, drop it off at his place unannounced and then delete him out of your life.
  18. Agree with Wiseman. You're setting yourself up to be the rebound guy. She's probably still interacting with him or testing you to see what your reaction is to this behavior. Don't reach out to her at this point until you hear from her. When she does reach out, have her come to your place for dinner and she has to bring the wine or contribute to the meal in some way, shape or form. No taking her to a restaurant, movies, clubs or doing things with friends. If she does reach out via text, tell her you'd rather speak to her on the phone. Be nice and congenial....but be mindful of her non-verbal behavior on the phone. If she doesn't really sound like she's interested in the plan, tell her to let you know if there's a better time for her to do it and then walk away as if you're never going to see or hear from her again. And BTW, you don't "need her back". There's plenty of women that are emotionally available that are everything that she isn't.
  19. From what you've told us about the situation, I don't think you've done anything wrong at all at this point. I wouldn't push the questions on his feelings at this point. It will come off as weak and needy and will annoy him that you need constant reassurance that you are loved. He probably realizes that this is a byproduct of your experience in relationships at this point in your life. I would give it a few months and let things progress without pressing an agenda with him. Enjoy the relationship for what it is now but be aware of his behaviors. Don't let your fear-based anxiety drive your behavior or communication either. If he loves you, he'll let you know. Don't demand to know what his feelings are on Valentine's Day either. That will drive him straight out the door. I had a relationship that I didn't really place a lot of effort or value on when it started (near the end of college) and I ended up with her for four more years and was a very good relationship. My feelings grew over the first year and I did fall in love with her. Instead of wondering what his feelings are, now that you know where he stands and what he sees on the horizon, how does this make you feel about your place in the relationship?
  20. She's a flake or toying with you. Next time she suggests you hang out, tell her where you'll be and if she flakes with some excuse, you respond "Ok" and never talk with her again.
  21. Cat feeder, boltnrun and MissCanuck are right on the money. If she was attracted to you to the point where she wanted a relationship with you over this guy, she'd find a way. For the time being, she's into him or has some form of attachment to him and she ain't ready to leave at this time. You should disappear like a fart in the wind on her. If this situation is so complicated for her, it will unravel when it runs its course.
  22. Why would you take a woman back who CHOSE her ex over you? Your last fight is irrelevant with the exception that you've learned not to share intimate details of relationships with others. I think you're misinterpreting her hanging around all the time. She could go back to her ex (and don't be surprised if she's talking to him on a regular basis) at any time. If you discover that she is, you have everything you need to know about her. Like Sportster says, you ARE setting yourself up to get hurt again. Run, don't walk from this woman.
  23. He's probably forgotten the pic. I ran across a forgotten pic of an ex the other day. I'm going through the last of the boxes from my move last year. If I'd had it in my nightstand, I probably would have forgotten that it was there too. Yes, I threw it away because I wouldn't want to answer any emotionally-charged questions about it.
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