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ShatteredMan

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Everything posted by ShatteredMan

  1. As usual, Wiseman and MissCanuck are right on the money. Also agree with Andrina, no one is worth "fighting for". Reread what you've written as if you're the one being solicited for advice on someone else's situation. You'll notice the first sentence in the third paragraph. Matter of fact, the more that you "fight for her" by finding ways to get her attention, you will probably push her away at a faster rate than she is already moving toward this new guy or others. The strongest move you can pull is to disappear and make yourself scarce. I had a similar situation a few years ago and I understand where you are. Its tough to accept that she has all the power in this situation which you thought you had more control over but didn't. You are also dealing with a "narcissistic injury" (doesn't mean you're a narcissist -look it up) and you can't face the truth of fact that she has chosen someone else to move on with. Been there, done that. By your own admittance, she is sending you every signal that she has no intention of coming back and wants you to move on. Do you really want to share her with Mr. +18 years older than her? I assume not. This may take some time and some distance from her but you have to make this happen in order to move on. Once you do, you'll see there's plenty of women out there that have more to offer than she did and will love you for who you are.
  2. ^^Definitely. I'm glad that you've considered going to your GP for counseling. Definitely do this through a professional and don't discuss this with family and friends - its not their job to be your counselor. It takes a lot of strength to admit that you need help and to take the positive steps forward to start healing yourself. Please be patient with the process and "do the work" in terms of what your therapist asks you to do. It is a long, painful road (I know this first hand) but no one can do it but you. Also, take care of yourself physically. If you don't work out, go start exercising every day in some way shape or form. You've undoubtedly heard all the health benefits but if you work out hard enough, you'll be so tired that you'll sleep through the night rather than staring at the ceiling trying to mentally figure out what went wrong, how you could have stopped this situation from happening, etc. I had to do this when I was recovering from a similar situation. Also, lawyer up immediately!!! Document the timeline of what happened before you consult with them. It is not "playing dirty". It is about protecting your rights as a father in a system that is rigged against you. I'm so sorry you're going through this but taking positive steps forward everyday will get you toward that light at the end of this dark tunnel.
  3. Break it off with her. Its the best thing for both of you.
  4. Like your friends and family are telling (and rightfully so), you do need to move on. She's been gone a year. She's not coming back and is probably with someone else now. You're 23 and lonely. You don't have PTSD. That girl is gone and you're choosing to dwell on the things that made you happy when you were with her. But here's the thing, you're probably not putting yourself in a position to get attention from other women due to this case of "oneitis" where you start believing the fantasy of the "one true love of a lifetime" BS that you were programmed to think from Disney movies, TV shows and fairytales. You fantasized about losing your virginity together like some romance novel. Well, so much for that. Moving on..... The truth is that relationships work and grow because men cultivate, grow and maintain attraction from women...not by chasing them, buying them candy/flowers/gifts or walk with to/from school or wherever thinking that's all it takes to maintain their interest levels. How does that balance of male/female gender roles and power within the relationship? When you start throwing gifts out at her, you essentially turn yourself into a vending machine. Do you think they'll respect you because you're handing out undeserved rewards? Do you want that? No. You should know that you attract women because you communicate that you have direction and a purpose in your life and career and seem to understand what you want to do with yourself in this world and have an idea where you want to be down the road. The likely answer to your problem is that you either don't have a direction in other forms of your life which are giving you time and mental/emotional bandwidth to keep playing those old fantasies like reruns of old tv shows. I know because I had a similar situation (like others) and I didn't have enough going on in my life to make me focus on something in terms of personal or professional growth that would use up that bandwidth and give me the mental focus on what was coming around the corner rather that some girl who walked out of my life and into some else's. And the "one" that I fantasized about? She (like your ex) didn't give a damn about my fantasies of marriage and children and all those other things that I'd been programmed to believe that I needed to "complete" me. Just like you, I beat myself up for a year or so, every unfocused moment trying to solve the mystery of "if I'd seen this sign and done xyz, would we still be together?" It ruined me (just ask Wiseman -many thanks!) Guess what? We're not so different are we? So quit this talk about your feelings and either go get some counseling (if you have healthcare, they probably will provide it) or get books written about healing your busted heart (highly recommend "Mating in Captivity" by Ester Perel), read as many books about relationships that you can and focus your mind on what you need to do to make yourself a man that is better than anything your ex ever deserved. Go to the gym or do something physically to improve yourself. Lay off any booze or drugs and do a social media detox (one of the best things you could every do for yourself) and start paying attention to what makes you happy and moves the needle in your life. Big tip: Do not work on anything that you think would re-attract your ex if you magically run into her. It won't. She doesn't care. She is done and gone. Know this. It won't happen today, tomorrow or maybe in the next several months but it will eventually: You will notice that through learning about relationships, working out, focusing on your professional development, personal goal setting and achievement - you will notice that the time you think about her will start being shorter and shorter stints in your daily stream of consciousness. You'll care more about getting a certification, bench pressing or squatting a certain goal weight, running a marathon, learning to play an instrument, hitting a certain amount of money in your savings or paying off every credit card you have - whatever you realize is something you need to do for your self-improvement. Bit by bit. Step by step. Day after day make choices that move the needle forward for you! This will reduce your current anxiety levels. You'll start sleeping through the night. Instead of wondering what your ex is doing now, you'll start seeing girls sending non-verbal signals that they're interested in you and you'll be thinking about them instead. It. Will. Happen. So when will you be ready to make that choice? Are you happy fantasizing about a woman who's long gone? Are you going to do that for another year of your life? Is today the day that you're going step out from under the dark shadow of that shattered fantasy that you wear like a cape over your life and step toward that distant, hopeful light on the horizon where stronger, better "you" exists?
  5. Stop forgiving anyone that treats you like crap, regardless of whether they are women or men. Unless you have to deal with them for work and they control your career path, don't respond to them until they behave differently. As Holly says, you've got low self-worth and you need to make choices that will change this mindset. As Cherylyn has said, stay away from abnormal people. If a girl is cute but has personal problems, do not get into the mode of "I think I can fix her and she will love me for it". Unless you're a professional therapist and she's been referred to you for therapy, this ain't your job, man. Been there. Done that. It doesn't end in some Disney-esque "and they lived happily ever after" BS that we've been programmed to think. It good that you're open to new channels to meet people but don't talk about this situation/backstory with anyone new that you meet. It will communicate low value and you don't want this. Be careful of sharing this information especially if you meet someone that you're attracted to and you start to want sharing things (goes double if you're drinking with them). Sharing is not always caring. It will send up red flags and you'll soon see that they're unavailable to hang out. That aside, get out there and meet some new girls. The woman that really want is out there and she's not going to be this nut case that you've left behind. You may not meet her this tomorrow or this weekend, but she's out there and she's looking for a guy just like you.
  6. This is your answer. Do the right thing and find some distance some way from this woman. This situation will not end well for anyone and will probably have dire consequences on multiple fronts for your life.
  7. You should treat him like the ex that he is and move on. I once thrived on the fantasy of rekindling a romance with an ex who (despite my desires) hurt me badly and by not choosing to move on in a healthy, productive way, it ruined my life for at least a year. Don't do what I did. Accept the fact the past is the past and if you choose to relive it, you'll never move forward in a positive way and be in good place when someone who is going to be a far better person for you comes into your life.
  8. Its my impression that she initially thought you were a nice guy and she appreciated your interest and attention. You thought she was interested as well. It sounds like she hooked you based on her words and non-verbal behavior. They mean nothing. You shouldn't have bought the painting or the gifts. Those were beta male behaviors and you thought that it was the way to demonstrate to her that you would do anything for her attention. It also may have suggested to her that you were trying to "buy" her attention and future loyalty. She probably interpreted this as you were weak and needy and no woman likes that. She might have a guy. It doesn't matter. Every guy has done this and had to learn lessons like this. Her current behavior suggests that she isn't interested in you enough (or suspicious enough) that she isn't reaching out for whatever reason. She could be playing the field and this game with other guys too. Who knows? It doesn't matter now. What should you do? Do you think reaching out to her repeatedly is going to change her mind? Probably not. Let her go. Don't reach out or find ways to run into her. Don't follow her on social media, matter of fact, unfriend her. Learn from your mistakes and don't repeat them. Next time you meet a girl that you're interested in, don't even buy her anything unless you are on a date. She should be interested in you enough that you don't need to buy her anything in order for her to spend her time getting to know you because she's genuinely attracted to and interested in you. There's a lot of women out there probably are hoping to meet a guy like you and when that happens, you will take a different approach vector with them. Keep your emotions in check and pay attention to how they behave when interacting with you. And if they get turned off or distracted by someone else, move on again. Rinse and repeat.
  9. Truth. At this point, you're a "side chick" to him. Don't you feel that you deserve more than this from a relationship? Don't you think that there's someone out there on this planet of billions of people that will not treat you this way? I'm willing to bet that the minute you cut him off, he'll come calling because you're "plan B" to him. Do not let him back into your life at this point. This will be very hard but you need to make the decision to do this and stick to it. This means shutting down all means that you both can "check up" on each other electronically. Stay away from mutual friends as well. If you have to interact with them, your social status information is off limits to them.
  10. This is a total "C'mon man!!!" situation. This woman is a dumpster fire. Never talk to her again. You're welcome.
  11. Break up with him. Something tells me he's going to have a massive shift in his schedule once you do and he'll be calling or texting all the time once you're gone. I had a similar situation with a girl about a year ago. We've been dating about three months and all of a sudden she started working 15 hour days. She was never available on weekends and so therefore I stopped dating her. She was "amazed that I could make such a decision". I didn't know if she was seeing someone else or whatever. However, I had neither the time or the inclination to find out the hard way. So I left. It was easy and I don't regret it. Neither will you.
  12. Truth. And you're not the first guy to be going through what you are because you thought she'd see you as knight in white shining armor and that she'd know in a heartbeat that "you're different from the other guys" or whoever is in her orbit. You were a rebound (as many of us have been), chose to ignore signs that showed how she was operating (done that too), which led to where you are now. So she has voted to be with someone else and is telling this to you through her actions. Having been there, it is very tough to accept and you're scheming about how she'll come to her senses and reach out once you do X,Y,Z or whatever. This. Will. NOT. Work..... At this point you can't think like this. What you can do (when you're ready) is to choose to use the power of time and distance to give yourself the bandwidth in your mind, heart and life to set yourself up for a woman that is going to be everything that girl isn't and never will be. This is your choice and only you can do it. It takes a lot of strength and humility to accept the situation for what it is and was, your role in it and that it cannot be whatever you fantasized that would end up as. (I respectfully disagree with the notion that the time away from her will allow her to sort herself out. It doesn't matter. She's no longer part of the equation. You no longer care if she ever sorts herself out, handles her demons, whatever) It also takes a lot of strength to use that time and distance to collect yourself, read about relationships, choose new avenues of self improvement (gym, school, take up a new hobby, etc.), change old habits and to develop yourself into a man that has a higher value in the future in terms of the sexual market place by which you can attract a woman of higher value than the one that you are leaving behind. Good luck with this. It's painful and sucks when you're going through it, but once you do and you learn from it (if you don't, well that's your problem), this will be something that may still bother you somewhere in the back of your mind but you'll know that it won't happen ever again or you'll walk away before going too far down the rabbit hole.
  13. This girl is breadcrumbing you, man. She tells you to go pick up some food and then refuses to spend time with you? That sounds like she thinks you'll do her bidding because she knows you want her back. I wouldn't give her that satisfaction. She has all the power in this situation and she knows it. Go No Contact. If she reaches out, you respond when its convenient for you (ie. not immediately) and unless she is bringing dinner over to your place with the intention of some form of a romantic situation, you don't have any reason to see her at this point. If you do choose to respond (I wouldn't at this point) and she has no intention of what I just described, you politely tell her to reach out if she changes her mind. Don't beg, bargain or compromise so you can see her again. Its not worth it. There's plenty of other girls out there that would love to have you in their lives and won't disrespect you by jerking you around like this.
  14. Its time for you to continue your self improvement efforts for your interests entirely. This situation is done and over, man. As for the statement about you "not being man enough/laziness"....unless you truly agree with these statements, you should cut her off and never look back. Speaking as someone who once wasted far too much time and effort on the fantasy of reconciling with an ex once, do yourself a favor and get time and distance away from her so you can start making yourself into a stronger man in every way for someone who truly sees you as an investment for their future. Good luck.
  15. Completely agree. I had an ex's family reach out to me occasionally despite the fact that she was engaged to another guy. It didn't bother me because I no longer had any emotional attachment to her but I think her sister had hoped that we would get back together one day. If I still had any emotional attachment at that point, it might have been difficult....
  16. http://www.indeed.com Stick with the new job until you get another offer and decide to take it.
  17. So he basically set a date and broke it with you. Imagine if you had never known him before and this was a first date. What would you do to a guy who broke the first date? You'd never give him a second chance probably.....why would do give this guy a break? I tried to set a date with my ex. She broke it with a litany of excuses. I replied, "Ok, I understand...".........and that will be the last thing I ever communicate to her. It sucked at the time but today I'm glad I never went back for leftovers.
  18. You got nervous. It happens. You're not a wuss. You built up the romantic tension but this sounds like it was your first attempt at this. She's probably pretty confused too, which is why her arms were crossed. I'd try again the next chance you get.....but don't pounce on or force yourself on her. Just take the same approach again and see where it goes. If she pulls away, I'd open up the subject with her. Tell her that you weren't sure and you didn't want to force yourself on her and make her think you were a jerk. If she doesn't forgive you for misinterpreting the situation, this will not be the last woman that you ever will kiss etc. Don't go beating yourself up over this. You're 15 and rarely does this go the way that its portrayed in the movies.
  19. As usual, I agree with Wiseman. You gotta put in the effort to maintain attraction and "keep dating your woman" even after you're married. However, I would lawyer up and get your financial arranged/secured as soon and as quietly as possible. If she turns angry or violent, make sure your cell phone is handy to record it. (or vice versa for women that are dealing with the opposite situation) A buddy of mine had a similar situation a while ago and his wife got very nasty during the divorce. Luckily, he recorded her throwing things at him and berating him in front of their kids. It made a significant impact when it came time to deal with child custody. She may not be this way now, but if things go south, its always good to be prepared....
  20. I've never understood why people question why LDR's have such a high failure rate. People should assume and accept the risk of infidelity upon entry. It's hard enough to cultivate and maintain a healthy and positive relationship with relatively close proximity to a partner in the age of social media and electronic dating options. I know I sound like a heartless d*** for saying this but it's tough for me to have empathy in situations like this. However, I've been heartbroken and shattered over the end of a relationship and later seen signs of emotional cheating. For that, I'm respectfully sorry for the pain that the OP is going through and wish her the best in her positive recovery and growth.
  21. You're taking the right approach by severing ties completely. You're still hurting and probably still hoping he is coming back. We all go through this and it rarely happens just once. Go back and reread your post. If they are making you feel like a criminal, why would you accept this as your future? You'd never be able to escape from this situation, especially if you were married, had kids and then wanted a divorce from him. I've seen this happen and it is hell. Stay the course, stay NC, find a way to forward a little bit each day in a small way. This is a planet of 6 billion people and once you're healed and your mind and heart are ready, there's a high probability that some one who is more more compatible socioeconomically and culturally will cross your path.
  22. This is emotional cheating. She knows it but wants to do it without feeling guilty.
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