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Everything posted by ShatteredMan

  1. He's probably smart enough to know that he borderline emotionally cheating on his girlfriend with you or has been advised by someone (who he thinks is wise) to cut ties with you before the situation wrecks him emotionally and professionally. I had a situation like this at about the same age as you. The girl was definitely emotionally cheating on her boyfriend with me because she didn't feel valued but since she was living with him, she kept me in what was essentially an elevated friendzone. I knew if I started messing around with this coworker, that I would probably have to face her boyfriend as well as the end of my career at the company. I took a job with another company and never looked back. Its painful but he's not your boyfriend or husband. You need to find a way past this fantasy and get a real boyfriend who you can have a real future with.
  2. Completely agree with Shiner. As you said, she knows that you're open to seeing her again. The ball is in her court. You'll push her away if you pursue. Also, let her behaviors and decisions tell you everything you need to know about her interest in getting back together. If she doesn't reach out or you discover that she's with someone else, then what does that tell you? Its not the advice that you want to hear (and I've been where you are) but once you reach a place in your heart and mind that says, "You know...I'm going to be fine without her being in my life because there's plenty of other women that would kill to have a man like me in their lives", you won't care. You'll be able to have her walk past you on the street and you'll think about how lucky you were to have her in your life for a short while. However, you'll also think about how great it is not have to deal with her negatives. In the meantime, keep dating. You may meet someone that exceeds all of the expectations you have of your ex and may have greater potential for being a long-term relationship. Good luck, stay strong and this too shall pass.
  3. Completely agree with DanZee. This guy could become a major problem in your life. End it ASAP. Go no contact and never look back.
  4. Believe it or not, last night, a friend of mine (who has no idea how to approach women) was talking to me in the gym and (ala this thread) pointed out a cute girl that he revealed that he hasn't had the courage to talk to. He said he was thinking of catching as she was leaving and introducing himself. His plan was to wait until she came out of the locker room where he would be waiting strategically. I told him that he should first introduce himself to the gym's management so they could expedite his membership cancellation upon her reporting how he sprung this trap of a plan on her outside the ladies locker room. I also told him to not catch her coming to or from her car in order to avoid being arrested or on a police watch list. What was really funny is that he thought that I was just being a jerk by telling him that his plan was not a good idea. He was definitely crestfallen but I told him that there are these things called "dating sites" where he can advertise his availability through the power of the internet, creative writing and photoshop and that women can actually indicate clearly that they are either interested in how he presents himself or would pass. While he was dismissive, I asked if he had a dating profile. The answer was a long explanation/rationalization that summed up to "no". That story aside, I hope the OP has a run-in with this girl and things unfold through natural chemistry.
  5. There is no magical time frame that you can assign to the process of healing. I must have gone through several mental goals of "I will not think about her after X date/time". Take your time so you can learn more, grow more and be more when the process is done. I'm glad that you have taken a positive step by choosing to get help. It takes far more strength to admit you need help than to try and wallow through the quagmire of pain on your own without any direction or guidance. Keep up the good work.
  6. I dated a "figure competitor" several years ago who looked unreal around contest time (despite the fact that it reeked havoc on her body) but in the off season, only looked slightly more muscular (typically in the delts, quads) than most women who frequently work out. However, she had a pretty petite frame and could drop weight easily due to her years of cutting down and her fanatical adherence to a strict training regimen and diet. Her best friend was competitive in "fitness" divisions but had a bigger frame, carried a significantly larger amount of muscle (almost like a high school outside linebacker) due to the requirements of that type of competition. I will admit that a lot of guys were turned off by her muscularity and she struggled in finding guys to date because they all thought that she was only into women. She also got hit on by women frequently as well which added to her frustration.
  7. Exactly. Texting is for setting dates and appointments. Set a date the next time she texts. Until then, go on with your life and quit worrying about it.
  8. Quit staring back at her when you're lifting and finish the set! One of the great things about the gym is that there's no shortage of people who have no idea what they're doing or "create their own exercises" when they clearly have no clue. I've met girls there in a situation where we'll be lifting near each other and some clown starts doing something weird that he invented or starts grunting like he's passing a kidney stone because he is doing too much weight on an exercise (typically standing cheat curls) while using terrible form. After the show is over, I've looked at girl in the mirror and said something like, "I was wondering what his next act was going to be..." or "That was impressive...whatever it was.." It may sound cheesy but I've used that as an opener and it has led to conversations before. If they don't giggle or engage in conversation, let them go and get ready for the next exercise or set. What's funny about this thread was that the other night, I was on a Roman chair doing hammer curls or something and there was a cute girl (not my age bracket or demographic) next to me doing something while watching her form in the mirror. Some young guy came up and the following conversation went down: Young guy: "Hey how you doin' girl? I saw you and I thought I'd come over and introduce myself, I'm (whatever)" Girl: "Hi" Young guy: "Well I was wondering where you live so I could take you out to dinner or to a club or something" (I'm starting to roll my eyes and smirk) Girl: "I don't live around here and I have a boyfriend." (Continues her set. Discontinues eye contact including in the mirror) Young guy: "Oh, I have a girlfriend, too. I was just thinking we could just hang out or something" Girl: "Thanks but I don't think so..." Young guy: "That's cool. Here's my business card. I have a mobile car wash business and I'm always all over the city, but I'm trying to get into producing jams..." or something to the effect. Girl: "That's nice but I'm going to finish my workout." Young guy walks off with the "I just got humiliated but I've still got to look like a player" swagger. I ask her why she didn't go for that. We had a good laugh together and now say hello in passing in the gym regularly. I teased her the next night asking if she now had a shiny car and a new album dropping soon. I'm just sharing this because I've seen this scenario a few times over the years. I'm not saying that the OP doesn't have a stronger game or whatever, but I would wait for a situation where you can start an easy conversation where you think she might laugh and sometimes the gym might not be that place. Definitely don't corner her in the parking lot to avoid maximum creep factor. I've seen this happen too.
  9. This has disaster written all over it. The guy is rebounding and using her as a free therapist, may have an issue with alcoholism and is about to create a real $hit$torm of a situation in terms of her workplace....and word WILL get out about this little situation around the office. OP: He's dragging you into something you don't need in your life. Its okay to cut him out. Stop any communication outside of essential work-related information. Don't respond to anything from him. Don't worry about his feelings, his problems or "being a friend" at this point.
  10. Agree with Gotham. Sounds like she's looking for an opportunity to monkeybranch to you from her boyfriend that she's not that attracted to anymore. Even if they have broken up recently, you need to progress with caution if it is recent. More than likely, there's still some communication between them, the exchange of things left at each other's place, etc.... There's also a high probability that she could be having the same text-based conversations with other guys as well....so hold off on flowers for a while until you get more intel on what's going on with her. If you're also on the dating market and not involved with someone (you've made no mention of this so I assume you're not), continue to date other women so that you realize that if she hasn't completely severed ties with the ex (or is playing the field herself), you will have options if she reveals things that indicate she's not 100% emotionally available and over her breakup. When you have options, you don't make emotionally-driven mistakes in the early stages of dating and the processes of getting to know others. Good luck with it....and if she isn't what you think she is, there's a lot of women out there that are available and have qualities that you value that you may not find in this woman.
  11. Keep it up, Dan. The gym is the cheapest therapist you can use. Delete her from every form of social media you use (or get off of it completely like I did!) because it will be nothing but a trigger for pain.
  12. Agree with FigureItOut on the notion that a professional counselor is probably a good idea. I also had a similar realization that Saluk did about my ex as well: When you stop trying to figure out why your ex came to a rationalization that they are better with someone else than you, you can just focus on yourself, your responsibilities (family, work) and growing in new ways that (eventually) will attract someone new. Of course, what sucks is that you hear this advice over and over (and give it to others), but until your heart and mind get to the "acceptance stage" of grief/anger over the loss of what this person meant to you and the space that you gave to them in your life, its incredibly painful to take that step to reach out to a counselor or doing things that will move your life forward in a positive way. It took me 1.5 years to accept what I had lost, acknowledge what other historical factors (from the past and present) were compounding the situation and to start really healing from my personal hell. However, once I accepted that the door to my ex was closed forever, all of a sudden, I realized that I had moved the needle on my life in terms of growth in many ways.....but I made it a longer process by trying to figure out why she moved on, what did I do wrong, etc. and by not getting help sooner. Don't be me. Get help sooner than later. If your medical benefits will pay for it, take advantage of it immediately. You will get through this. It won't be tomorrow or next week, but you will get there by taking the right steps.
  13. Agree with Wiseman. He's keeping the door and his options open in case your relationship fails. If you're not tied to him through mutual ownership of anything of significance, you need to question whether or not you will accept this behavior from him and then decide if he's worth the investment of your time and emotion. I can only assume that since you didn't ask, he didn't tell you this until you "discovered" this was going on..... I've dated women that kept the door open to exes, swore up and down that they had nothing but friendship with them now that it was over but were still communicating with them and their families. Personally, I won't accept this in a romantic relationship and I promptly ended the relationship each time and was glad that I did.
  14. I'm going to respectfully disagree with SweetGirl on this one. (Note: I typically agree with and value her advice and she always has everyone's best interest in her posts.) Hopeful7, I think that if you tough it out a while, you WILL find someone else that is going to be everything that your ex is not. If you're heart and mind are not in the right place to start a new relationship with a new guy, then take yourself off the market for a while until you realize that your life is going to be fine regardless of whether or not you have a guy in it or not....because it will. I say this as someone who had an ex that monkeybranched onward and in my pain/misery/grief, went on a "dating rampage" where I tried to date half of this city. It was ridiculous because, like you, my heart and mind were still stuck on my ex. Long story short, I wish I'd taken a year off from dating until I settled down, accepted what had happened and was then truly open to someone new. Sure enough, she IS everything my ex is not and never will be. SweetGirl is completely correct in her stance on not rushing into this if you choose to roll the dice again on this guy. She's also right to point out that he monkeybranched onward and now it crashed and burned on him. He'll probably do it again. Plus, why do you want someone who "runs when things get tough"? Life's tough....
  15. You need some professional counseling. Its a hard thing to admit that you need help (it certainly was for me) and takes some real strength to open up to someone you don't know. However, once you get a non-biased (not your friends, family, religious counseling) professional who can help you arrange the situational information, your feelings, your current situation (activities, interests, work, etc.), other past events that may be affecting how you react to your world, they can help you understand why your mind and heart seem to be attacking each other. I learned how to recognize how our fear-based anxiety and our choices to process and control it either helps or hurts us based on how we react. Now that I see what triggers anxiety in my life, whether it is related to relationships, work situations, perceived emotional or physical danger, etc....I'm now able to take a step back, control my anxiety in a better way...which ultimately has led to a much better quality of life. I hope that you choose to do this because I think it will help. Your healthcare provider may be able to offer or pay for some or all of these resources. Be well, friends.
  16. Here's some that I read in my "dark days" while trying to make sense of my world when it lay in ruins around me: "How to Fix a Broken Heart" by Guy Winch "Deleting Ur Ex" by Matt Borer (Very Good) "F*ck Feelings" by Michael Bennett "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" by Mark Manson "If He Only Knew" by Gary Smalley "Think Forward to Thrive" by Jennice Vilhauer "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan J. Elliott I will admit that a lot of the material is anything that you haven't heard or known already, but sometimes hearing it again, thinking about how it matters in your situation will help you get through the "acceptance" stage of grief and into the next one. If anything, the list probably just illustrates the process that I went through to finally close the door on the pointless hope of reunifying with my ex, accepting what happened for what it was and that it was up to me to move myself forward to find peace without any definitive closure. I hope some of this material may help someone who's moving through heartbreak and toward that light at the end of the tunnel. (If anything, you may realize that you're moving along when you're tired of reading "self-help" books and just want to read something funny!)
  17. I don't know if this exactly what you meant to say. If it is, there's where this whole situation went wrong.....
  18. Your world must seem absolutely out of control. But you can take it back, one step at a time. In addition to the suggestions above, every day set a goal that you're going to take a step toward moving the needle in a positive way in each of these problem areas for you: 1) Financial planning - ala Wiseman's advice. You'll reduce some serious stress by taking this step. 2) See a doctor and get a physical with a full blood workup done. Pay special attention to your testosterone and blood sugar levels. If they're out of whack, use the goal of correcting them as your second step. 3) Take control of what you eat. Cut the sugar, carbs, salt and fat. You know that eating what ever you want and as much as you want probably gives you a sense of psychological control. Now you need to really exercise real control over them. 4) Get professional therapy if you know you need it. There's no shame in it. 5) Once you get control of your diet, get a trainer in the gym Good luck with this. Keep us posted.
  19. I'm sorry to hear about so many people that are hurting in the same way I did a couple of years ago. It was the worst time of my life - period. But eventually, things got better. It's taken about 2 years to get over her but just the other day, I heard news from a mutual friend that she's got a new guy and a new house, etc. I will admit that I've been ruminating on her, but only briefly and none of the heartburn or insomnia, or urges to creep her on social media have returned. I'm going to take this as a sign of progress. Just remember that what you're going through is normal. But don't think that hurting yourself or others in any way will help ease your pain or make people understand what you're going through. A lot of you are looking for a "quick fix" to move past this painful process but it doesn't work this way. However, if you take the time to read and learn about people and relationships, positively change negative things in your life (physical, mental, emotional) through various means, you'll move through this ish faster than you think. When I really was at the bottom of the recovery bell curve, I chose to learn something new every day about relationships or some other topic - as sort of a small daily goal. I had always been a gym rat, so hitting the gym really wasn't anything new in my life. However, after trying to date half of the age appropriate women in my city (and after seeing it wasn't helping) I did start setting a goal of trying to find an event every weekend that I would go to on my own that was something I hadn't experienced before. I went to art galleries, our aquariums and zoos, went to cooking classes, took some advanced guitar lessons, high performance driving schools (awesome), etc. In a weird way, I realized I was really learning a lot about myself through these experiences and through therapy. Essentially, I gave myself the time and space to start "moving the needle" in a positive way. I won't lie. I still think about my ex but the self-inflicted pain that came from the false hope of reconciliation began to subside after about a year or so. After a while, I found that I really felt good about sharing my sad little story but even more, trying to give hope to those that are hurting out here. Be good to yourselves. The light at the end of the tunnel is closer than you think.
  20. Heard about your new house and your new boyfriend. I'm really surprised that you made it out of the old apartment complex finally. It only took you shy of 20 years...... As for the new guy, well he doesn't really sound like a winner but then again you've never been a good judge of character. I doubt you'll realize what you lost in terms of a future with me but what the hell.....I'm just venting and none of this would hurt you if I was saying to your face anyway. As for the house, I'm sure you bought right where I told you I never would. Guess what? I'll make more money on my place in terms of value than you will in the next three to four years. Good move.
  21. You did the right thing and do not reach out to her. Its funny how no contact works like this.... She gave you up as a resource as part of the break up and as far as you should be concerned, your time and life are off limits to her unless she indicates that she's ready for another try at a romantic relationship. Do not accept friend zone with her.
  22. Everyone thinks like this after a breakup until they can clear their heads and hearts of their ex. Here's the thing: By you getting as much time and space from her, eventually you will be able to start seeing positive things in your daily life. It may not be tomorrow or next week, but it will start to happen. Once your head starts to clear from this traumatic event, you'll also recognize that a lot of people that you would classify as "all the good people that are taken/in relationships" aren't always happy either. Also, this statement (that we all use during recover) is indicative of wanting a "quick fix" to the pain that we are in. Sorry man, there ain't no quick fix. The question is whether or not you can find the strength to make yourself a better, stronger man in every way so that when you come across a woman (who checks more boxes than your ex did) that is available, is interested because she sees value in who and what your are, you'll be ready emotionally to deliver on what her initial impressions are. Right now, you're not there. Take as much time as you can before trying to find someone new. As someone who dated every available woman on the market immediately after a breakup in the hopes of being able to accelerate my recovery through a rebound relationship, I can tell you that its a waste of time, money and energy. Congrats on quitting drinking and smoking. These are big victories and you should be proud of this. Keep up on the good work and let us know how you're doing.
  23. I'm very sorry to hear this, Miss Y. Breaking no contact isn't a sin but it usually has negative consequences in that your false hope of reconciliation gets smashed through the continued confirmation that your ex has no intention of coming back. So what is the next move that you're going to take to recover from this?
  24. There's probably more to this story....but nonetheless, you've weakened your position with her through the begging and pleading. As for her words, they mean nothing. Her behavior speaks volumes. I strongly suspect that there may be another guy or another reason why she's made a conscious decision to take her stuff and leave. As for her reaching back out to you after "no contact", I wouldn't put any value in what she said. There's a strong possibility that she's opening the door in case a move to a new guy doesn't work out and she'll have you as "Plan B". I wouldn't accept this at all....... Regardless of whether or not she's "monkeybranching" to a new guy or not, you're out and that's clear. Do not try to reach her in any way shape or form.
  25. I'm so sorry that you're in the situation. I can't imagine the amount of anger and pain you're in. Please don't do anything that will result in you going to jail or worse. You will get through this. This is happened to other guys out here as well. I do agree with the assertion of preparing to "lawyer up".
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