savannahohsavannah

I still am reading a lot of confusion. You say you are one thing, and your words tell me you are another. I am telling you to slow down. I am also saying to forget this fella! It doesn't matter how or why it happened, he is no longer viewing you in the same way that he did when you two were in "love" and he may never see you the same way again. Our lives are often confused when we go through a break up, and you have a death to deal with on top of that. GO TO THERAPY!!!!!

I feel a strong push and pull in your relationship. As long as you were distant he wanted you and came after, but now that you are approaching him, he's backing away. It is important to note here that he is backing away after you did some pretty damaging and self-destructive behaviors. So you did this one to yourself. And there may be no damage control you can do to save this situation.

Quite frankly I'm amazed that you have not said one thing about therapy throughout all of your post. You MUST have thought at some point in time that therapy was the way to go to help you get over, or at least deal with some of the problems accompanying sudden unexpected death of a loved one. I don't sense much maturity in you right now. I don't know if that is because, as you said you were never alone and always had someone to rely on, or because of the trauma and drama associated with your hubby's death.

I'm not at all worried about this relationship, I am worried that you will continue to act out your unhappiness in self-damaging ways. Killing yourself is not an acceptable option. I find it good that your pals aren't letting you stay by yourself. You should not be at this point in time. But later, when you are feeling stronger, you should get out and do some more confidence building. For you, that may mean living on your own without a bf or hubby and having your own life. Learning what it means to stand on your own two feet. Once you do that, you will be able to face some losses a bit better.

Maybe she was just angry when she said she never wanted to speak to you again. And now that she is calmed down she'd like to at least be friends...or civil. I would give it no more thought. If you want to talk to her do. If you don't...do the rush off the phone number when she calls. She'll get the message soon enough.

Let the docs work with you to get this cured before you do anything else. The bad thing about Herpes is that you can get it from a person who has it without actually having to have penis to vagina penetration. An infected person who has no active lesions does have some small risk of transmitting it to you. But that does not mean that your life is over, nor does it mean that your sex life is over. Go to the docs and let them straighten it all out. And relax...

No, I didn't mean ask him about the date, I meant ask him about his mirroring body language behaviors.

It was NOT a good idea if you did. A woman has to keep some opinions/questions to herself and her pals, and let behaviors answer your questions, not lips that can lie.

You aren't out of line at all. But it's hard to do the friendship thing when you are still feeling love and you have to sit and watch his relationship blossom with someone else. What you have described, your close knit group, sounds fun. I see why you would not want to give it up. I think you will be okay if you simply say that you won't care if he goes out with other girls. Just develop ice water in your veins when it comes to his dating life. You will know when it's time to leave, if things go awry with your group because of your bf.

Okay, first I understand that you have been away from your ex for a year. This is a good thing to know...I think it may still be too soon for you to be friends with this guy. And yes, it does sound like your best friend and your ex are developing an interest in each other. And Guess What? You must not say one word. Not one. Because you know what? You would want the freedom to move on, if you wanted to move on. Anything else would be unfair. To him and you.

Jack....did you ask him?

I don't like reading your post because of all of your abbreviations. Would you go back and edit this to Standard English, please?

HE MIRRORED YOU! Watch body language! For a guy to mirror you on the first date can say many things. First, I'd watch him when he thinks he's not being observed and see if there was any contrivance in his body language? Is he the same or different? There are two ways to look at body language mirroring. Number one, someone who knows you are uncomfortable could do that to put you at ease. This is typically done by reporters and talk show hosts. Number two, it's the dating equivalent of saying everything a girl wants to hear. In other words it's bad news you are looking at. I know, I'm so negative, but there are so many players out there online! Wouldn't you rather be on a date with a guy who is going to be himself, so you can figure out whether you really like him for who he is or not?

It's interesting that the younger people on the board want to tell, and the older women don't. I still say it's too easy to make everyone mad, by telling. And they may not remember later why they were mad, just that they were angry at YOU.

Ditto.

Dump him now. This guy has you pegged as an easy mark that he can use whenever he feels like it. If you are up for that, whatever benefits you may get, sex, whatever, I spose that is fine. I don't get that from your post though. If you want a bf, stay away from A--holes...because he is.

OMG, I can't believe he rang you begging you to come back.... THE NERVE OF HIM!!! Some people just don't get it. What's wrong with him?

 

.. he has no one to blame but himself

It's simple. He's a playa, and he's playing a game. And the next part of his game is to see how much responsiblity for HIS bad actions he can get YOU to take responsibility of. This is the type of fella I'd pay money to keep out of my life.

Savannah

Don't go back with a woman whose life is going crap around her, as beec said. She has to be able to deal with life on her own. I've had the biggest messes in my life and I've never once held my bf's responsible to fix them for me. I've had the "I'm jealous about the mutual friends deal" it's bad because when people take sides, or when the ex is dating a friend of the friends the ex can look like the bad guy. And we know it's not true in this case. Be good to yourself. Let go of this chick for a while...make sure she knows she can't have you simply for the asking. If she does ask tell her she has to earn her way back into your life.

Plus, if he does kill himself, it's solved your problem and hers; plus she gets the insurance money to look after the boy.

 

Sorry, but I have no time for cheating liars.

Not a great joke here. More often that not a spouse who threatens suicide can quickly turn killer. This is nothing to sneeze at, sadly. But don't worry. Most guys don't go that far. And anyway, if his wife hasn't killed him, and you haven't killed him, the Iraqi's may! (VERY BAD JOKE!)

It's easy to see that you and your ex truly loved each other.

If she's okay with being friends I would do it. It's weird sometimes when a breakup happens because people literally cut each other out of their lives. Typically that happens during a messy breakup, like cheating, or when both partners don't agree.

I hear you though, that was truly thoughtful of you, helping your ex.

Savannah

He said that sometimes when people tell their significant others these things they do so with the intent to hurt them.

I responded on another thread as well, but I couldn't resist this one. I agree with what Empathy's shrink says. Telling is a knife in the back to someone. And actually, it's his wife who got it yesterday when you told. She's an INNOCENT victim here, just like you. My question is, to turn your own question around on you: Would you want to be told if a man had cheated on you, and had an LDR with someone for 2 1/2 years, when you had a 4 year old son with him? I don't always believe that women need to know, especially when it is an LDR. He may just think he's playing around on the intenet! Do you have significant face time with this man? That is the way he could see what he's doing, that he's not serious with you at all. Knowing that would hurt. I think it's hard to deal with some types of fellas and this is one of them It makes it easy to see why so many people aren't trusting.

Okay, so have you ever heard of Scott Peterson? The fella in the US who murdered his wife when she found out his affair. Some socio's respond violently when they are caught in their dirty nasty deeds. Your guy called you and cussed you out last nite. I would totally call the law and if he ever tries to get in your sphere, I'd go to family court and get a restraining order. After all you f&&ked this fellas game up. Sure, he deserved it, but now he has to find a new way to play. And I'm betting he's livid.

Also, anonther observation, it sounds like you are right about his wife being a gem, but I can tell you from experience that some men are such incredibly talented liars (socio types who seem to have this weird connection to others that makes people want to believe them) that what you did may not stand. He might do things to make you look like a huge liar. I'd love to hear how he tries to trash you, and he will do just that.

The thing for you to do now is move on. And if it were me, I would only go out into public with others, never alone for a while. I would not walk to my car alone. In short, I would make sure that I have people around me at all times for about a year, so I could frustrate him when/if he attempts to physically hurt me.

It sounds like it's too late to do that in this case. A transfer, if either of you wanted to do that route, should have been discussed right when she spoke of moving. I have a question: During all this do you remain silent and not say anything, asking them what will happen to you guys as a couple, and saying you'd like to continue as a couple? The woman might be waiting for you to say something to that effect, and when she doesn't hear that she may decide that you aren't that into her.

Just my .02 cents.

Interesting that the way you expressed yourself is so similar to my ex in one of his more peacable moods. But I can say that I would stay with NC for life here. I mean, what do you have to gain except to torment yoursefl? I do see that you are having communication troubles and that is worrisome! I'd get some books from the bookstore to read up on that, before I went out with anyone again. Start out with some simply stuff like Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray.

Should be available in the library.

Good luck.

Who are you hitting? Yourself? A sibling? Your friends? Boyfriend/girlfriend? Please go back. It really can't hurt you and may help tremendously.

It seems strange to me that you are meeting him somewhere that you have to wait in your car. To me that sounds kinda "hookupish" ? Is it your intention to have sex with this fella? And is this guy being straight up with you? He may not be with his Old gf, but he could already have someone else in the pipeline and you could be his backup in case that one doesn't work. That is another thing, sometimes guys who don't show aren't being honest about themselves. I would be thinking that this fella just likes to flirt when he sees me, but doesn't have any special interest in me.

Well I can see it's not just girls who get jerked around. I wouldn't worry so much about her. She has a new bf after all, and you are wise to question why she would say the things she said to you and still be with him. If it were me, I'd be wondering if this lady was ready to be a gf to anyone! I'd keep a nice safe distance and go out with other girls.