jaiva

I have lesbian friends and I'm not bi or lesbian. I call my lesbian friends and one of them spends the night at times when we go out. Just because she calls her female friends all the time and just because they hang out doesn't make her a lesbian. If you want to know if she's also interested in females just ask her. Don't assume. I attempted to break up the word assume into 3 different words so that you'll get my point but they blocked it out. So don't make a butt of yourself by assuming.

Jaiva

Yeah but doesn't that statement work both ways? And who's to say who bends to much. Because I think I bend too much as it is and he thinks he bends too much.

But that's the thing we've broken up and for the past month we've been trying to make it work or at least figure out all the pieces to the puzzle. And when were just enjoying each other there were no problems however when we actually attempted to talk and figure things out we fight and argue and can't figure anything out. If we were to just ignore everything but how we feel about each other then things work but when we try to figure out how we fit into this world things never pan out or make sense. We can never agree on anything. And it's frustrating and hurtful and disappointing. And I'm tired of it but I love him and want it to work. So I'm just so darn confused....... that's all.

Why is it so difficult to love someone? Why can't you stop loving the one you love even when it hurts so bad and never seems to work out? Why can't I control my emotions and free myself from all this hurt? Why do I keep going into the same thing blindfolded knowing that I'm not in control of any of it? I guess I'm just stupid. Who knows.....

Have you ever heard the phrase, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink?" You can give him all the things he need to be a better person but if you doesn't want to do it he won't and you will continue to be dragged down with him. Don't stay with someone that you are not happy with it is not worth it.

Jaiva

We have tried to work things out. We've tried to talk things out but it only seems to get worse the more we talk. And we only talk when he wants to talk so he'll contact me and then when he can't deal with the conversation anymore he'll end the conversation and then we'll talk 2 weeks later once he initiates conversation. And I can't deal with that either. Either we're going to talk about it or we're not. I can't do it on his schedule when he's ready to talk and just not talk when he doesn't want to. But as more time passes it just gets easier and easier to just let it all go. I love him but we just don't see eye to eye anymore.

About the funeral. I wouldn't be going for him. I'd be going for me. And his family still claims me. So his family would embrace me even if he didn't. After I called him and he gave me the whatever attitude his sister called me less than 2 mins afterwards so that she could talk to me.

Jaiva

Long distance relationships really are hard to do. However, now that you know what it feels like to care for someone you now know what it is you are looking for. You know kinda how it feels and believe me it gets better than that. It is never too late to learn anything, because you do learn it you can make changes in your life. You will find someone that you like just give it time. And now that you have dated this girl you know that people are willing to date you and people do like you so that should boost your self-confidence.

Jaiva

Long story short. I broke up w/ my boyfriend, of 2 years and a couple months, about 2 months ago now. Look at previous threads I started to get most of the story. We've been going back and forth on this whole NC thing. I still love him I just can't be in a relationship with someone who makes things more important than me. I can't be with someone who blows me off on important events. etc. etc.

So we broke up.

Yesterday, I told him that it would be a lot easier for me if he would just leave me alone. I didn't exist in his world so he shouldn't exist in mine. He asked if that was my final answer and I told him he finalized my answer when he made his dance team more important than me.

Well he just called me about an hour ago to tell me that his grandfather passed today. He said that he told me, a while back, that if something was going on w/ his family then he would let me know and he hung up. Well after talking to my sister and my mom who both told me to call him and tell him that I'm available if he needs me to be. I called him. I let him know that my prayers are with him and his family and that if he needs to talk then I'm available. And of course I got the whatever response that I expected, which was why I didn't want to call back in the first place. I didn't want what I had to say to seem superficial or that I was just saying it b/c that's "what ur supposed to say". I really do care. I will grately miss his grandfather.

But another thing is that there was a loss in my family just 2 days ago. My little cousin's baby passed from SIDS. And that kinda hit home because my twin died from SIDS. My grandmother had a child that died from SIDS and My cousin's mom had a child who died from SIDS. And I found out earlier today that one of my close friend's grandfather died yesterday.

So like the title says. I'm so lost and confused... Don't know what to say or how to say it. And I know that if I lost my nana no one could say anything that would make a difference. So I don't want to just be letting out hot air by trying to be caring. I don't want to waste my breath.

And I want to go to the funeral. But I don't want to have that weird feeling because I'm his ex. I just don't know. I can use some advice.

Jaiva

Hey chillins

 

I can sympathize with your feelings. have you thought about moving to a new city? Get a fresh start? Sometimes its nice to go somewhere where you can start over. It might be just the thing you need.

 

LeAnn

Well the thing about that is if he goes with the same mind set he has then he'll bring his troubles with him. Yes, there will be new people and new jobs but he'll still be the same him. You can't run away from your problems. They always seem to follow.

Jaiva

You don't just have to like yourself in order to get other people to like you; you have to be whole by yourself in order for you to be attractive. If you think you NEED to have a significant other in order for you to have better life then everyone will sense that and it will turn them off. You have to have self-confidence in order to attract people. You have to be accepting of where you are, physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually and spiritually in order to have self-confidence. You have to be grateful for the things that you have and work harder to reach the things that you would like to have. Once you are happy within yourself and with all the things that you have whether it is a fancy mansion in L.A. or a one room shack in the worst place on earth, then people will be attracted to you. People meaning male and females, they'll want to befriend you and find out who this self-confident person is.

Jaiva

You are not a waste. Nobody is a waste. You have only learned what does not work. Now that you know what does not work you can try new things to see what does work. Just don't continue to do the things that you have been doing because it will get you exactly where you are.

Don't go back to school (university) just yet, because apparently that is not for you. Try a trade school or something. That way you have to spend less time there and you can get a job from it. However you have to make sure that it is something that you like to do.

Marijuana is not something that is for your advantage. It kills brain cells, it makes you tired and lazy; you can't be productive if you continue to smoke.

Just try new things. Learn from your mistakes and try not to repeat them again.

it increases your face value.

Jaiva

Wow G44 you sound so much like me now. About a month or 2 ago I ended a 2 year relationship, which I have been posting about for a while. And I have finally been able to forgive him for all the things that he did. I've learned not to charge it to his heart but to his mind b/c he wasn't/isn't mentally mature enough to be in a relationship with me and that's not his fault. Not trying to dis him just tryna say that we don't connect anymore and that's not necesarily his fault and since I realized that I was able to move on and learn a very valuable lesson in return.

Jaiva

Wow G44 that's an interesting piece.

Jaiva

Playing constantly non-stop

In my head, ringing in my ears

What a sweet, sweet sound

I LOVE YOU

Bringing tears of sadness and joy

The ending of one life,

The beginning of another

The joining of two worlds,

Colliding of two ideas

Two minds becoming one.

I DO

The two words that follow

The never ending promises

Sealed with a kiss

I vow to you

My heart, my mind, my soul, and my body

My compassion, my understanding, my empathy

I vow to cherish your every word

I vow to be yours and yours alone

Until death do us part.

But not even death can take away my soul

Our souls

or our love

So my love to you and you only I will say,

I do.

Jaiva

I think this poem rocks. Honestly. It really conveys what most adolescents feel towards their parents. Continue to write.

Jaiva

Can we switch problems? I wish I had a high metabolism. However, yeah I agree with the rest. Talk 2 the doctor and a nutritionist about it. Don't worry too much though because if you're healthy, you're healthy. Know what I mean?

Jaiva

Well I look at my life as an example for those who will and have experienced the same things that I have. By continuing to succeed and strive for more success I am in a way showing that it can be done. You can have life after death, in some way.

Thank you all for reading.

Jaiva

Thank you very much.

Jaiva

Well one thing that I can say is that both women and men will/can disappoint you in a relationship. So don't just go start dating women because you think men suck.

Jaiva

Well I have never been raped per say however I have been sexually molested on numerous occasions by family members. And yeah in the beginning you begin to think it's your fault because you couldn't make it end. However, after learning that it wasn't my fault and that I was the victim I begin to realize that the people who molested me had to have been molested themselves because they would not have known about sexual activities because they were only like 5 years older than me at the time. So sexual assault/molestation/ and rape are epidemics and will continue on until everyone that who been hurt has been helped. So as a survivor you have to help those who you know have been hurt.

Jaiva

Moving in with some1 is a very big step and if you guys do break up you will be the one who will have to find somewhere to move to. And for that reason I'm not a big fan of co-habitation before marriage. But I definitely don't think you should move in if you guys are having problems/doubts because then you won't be able to have time away from each other to think things through because you'll be together in the same house.

Jaiva

I am happy for you because you have committed to getting rid of your addiction. But you must know that people only choose to remember or see things that they want to see. So even though your mother took you to your meetings she chose to forget because she wanted to. And more likely then not she might be blaming herself for your addiction and that might be another reason why she doesn't want to associate herself w/ you because she's upset with herself.

Jaiva

Many sights and many sounds

Many hope that I'll be found

A collage of words that swirl in me

I just wish they'd let me free

The fear the insecurities

The tears and the enmities

I've been abused physically, mentally and sexually

Oh I how I wish I could be free

From the thoughts and emotions that control my mind

That keep me from sharing and letting the world know me

Jaiva

You have to figure out what is causing you to want to cut. Most cutters cut because they are under great emotional distress and the pain helps them to temporarily 4get about what is causing them to be upset but they will always feel the need to cut again once the physical pain resides.

Jaiva

Thank you Babydoll!

Jaiva