leftalone

oh boy. when i ran into my ex last week in the deli he asked if i still wanted him to make a picture CD of all of our photos for me (something i had asked about awhile before). I said sure, and mentioned that I still needed my good earrings for a (fake) wedding... Anyway, he just got back into town and called from the airport to see when i wanted to come get the earrings before he leaves town again on Friday for two weeks. I suggested this evening at around 7ish, he said sure, we spoke very briefly. he mentioned that he's tired from his trip to New Orleans, and I know him well - he is noncommunicative, pouty and generally overtaken when he's tired. Should I wait until tomorrow? When maybe he's been back for a day, gotten a good night's sleep maybe? Because what I was hoping was that once I went over there we could catch up over a beer or something. If he's wiped out, he just might want to hand me the earrings and decompress from his trip... Please help!!! I have forty-five minutes before leaving work to get input...these stupid details seem so small but i keep thinking they'll be significant...

I was absolutely shocked when my I found out one week after we broke up that my boyfriend was seeing someone else. They started going out literally the night we broke up, and considered themselves 'serious' right off the bat. She even came in for a visit from San Francisco (we're in New York) and stayed for five days two weeks after they got together. I was checking his email during that time and oh lord the things they wrote to each other - it was masochistic for me to read it, but i couldn't NOT. Torture. He told me to my face when I found out about her that he was 'falling in love with her'. I spent the next four weeks or so absolutely convinced they would be living together within two months, or worse, engaged. I was bowled over with shock and agony. EVERYONE told me it wouldnt' last, and I thought they were just being nice. ONe month into his new 'relationship', it was over. He ended it, came off looking like a real immature idiot to her, and to everyone else who knew them (and us). He was just grabbing for anything that wouldnt' make him realize what he had done as far as he and I were concerned and she right away filled that void. And then the void must have still been there, because she's history, and he set himself back a whole month of dealing with what happened with us. Granted, he and I are not back together like I'd hoped, but he tiptoed shyly back once and then got cold feet, so all hope is not lost for me. I'm now doing NC - he had her, and still contact with me, all those weeks. Now, third month in, he's got neither. Anyway, I ramble. My belief is, unless it is just some cosmic, meant-to-be, twist of fate, they do not last. And they are not real. They are replacement attempts.

skynet, I'm right there with you, too. Almost to the day. I have been doing NC for the first time since our break-up in March, and have gone 21 days. Unfortunately, the whole thing almost came crashing down on me when i ran into him a week ago in a deli, but I'm still kicking. What has been the worst thing for me about NC has been in those moments when I feel proud of myself and sort of self-righteous by thinking 'he probably wonders why i haven't contacted him', another moment will hit me where I'll go "but he hasn't contacted me". And in the last few days of my NC streak, there has been some new grief hitting me - the realization that I am losing hope and starting to accept as reality that this relationship is over. I shake that out of my head when it hits me, it's just too hard to get my head around. I admit that basically I haven't done what you're supposed to be doing during NC, which is to not use it as a tool to get that person to come back, but to use it to work on your own healing. The idea of 'healing' has been basically unacceptable to me thus far, only because with it comes the fact that that means I would have gotten over him. And truthfully, I don't know if I'm ready to get over him, as self-torturous as that sounds. I still love him. But the physical anxiety, the panic, the collapsing grief that would make me literally have to hide in the bathroom at work...with or without my effort, those things are easing. A few weeks ago I would think about one year down the line, and saw myself experiencing all of this wrenching pain just as I was in that moment. And here it is, three weeks later, and my life is one tiny fraction more bearable. Hang in there, skynet, when you think you're really just going to keel over and can't stand one more minute, just remember all of us walking around feeling just as you do. Remember that somewhere in this world, there are people who understand...we'll all get by...

please give me advice...it's been a few days since we ran into each other after two weeks of NC, and I was doing a lot better, but ever since the run-in i feel like i've taken ten steps back. he's back in town for two days this week before going away again for two weeks - i am planning to arrange to go by there one of those evenings that he's home to pick up my earrings and a photo CD of us that HE mentioned during our run-in. I've been so good at playing it cool lately and disappearing from sight - would it be a bad idea when i go by there for my things to invite him to get a beer or take a walk for an ice cream or something, and maybe bring "us" up? (i.e. how small our problems seem after so much hindsight). Will I just come off as pathetic, can't get over him? would it be better for me to continue to look as if I'm doing fine without him? I'm not fine, not at all...

I've read this thread with a lot of interest because my meetings with the ex have gone so similarly. Every meeting requires so much energy of me, to tiptoe around what I really wanted to say, and try and take his lead when it seemed like something of substance was coming to the surface. Anyway, my impulse would be to do the same thing you are considering, which is to drop a quick, casual email thanking her for the fun evening. Maybe it's from that instinct people in our position have to say just one more thing…anyway, it won't harm anything for you to do it, but from several "casual thank you" emails I've dropped after a pleasant get together, my experience is she probably won't respond. She'll take it as "oh, that was nice of him to thank me for the evening". So, she won't see it as heavy handed or anything, but also if you're hoping she responds to it, she probably won't. But you know the encounter will be on her mind regardless of if you follow it up with a thank you message, so maybe leave it up to her to address the night…

Oh jeez. So I'm feeling pretty empowered by this whole NC thing, when I have needed to get stuff off my chest this week I've written letters I won't send or have left voicemails on my own work phone then deleted (I know, pathetic, but better my own voicemail than his). I'm doing okay, getting by, letting myself think he must be wondering why I suddenly dropped off the map, when I walk into the deli this morning on my way to the subway for my coffee and I hear a 'hey' behind me. Of course, it's him. We talked for about five minutes, totally casual chit chat. I played it really cool, didn't even mention the last time we spoke which is when I told him that I loved him etc. He said "wow, I haven't seen you in awhile" and also asked if I still wanted him to put all of our digital pics of us onto a CD for me to keep (we stored all of them on his computer). He mentioned I left some jeans there, and I included my earrings and said I needed them soon for a wedding I'm going to (a lie, but i had to SOUND like I had some interesting things coming up). He had a strange look on his face while we talked, I guess surprised to see me? Maybe a little longing? Dammit, coincidental run in and now I'm thinking he got a chance to reaffirm that he's happier single...shoud I have said something about us?

OK, so today is two weeks since we had the last conversation where he said he was thinking he wanted to be single. I did tell him during that conversation that I loved him, and that I was not confused. We left it at me saying i need to pick up my good earrings at some point. And then, nothing. We haven't spoken since. Can't I just wait until he returns from a five day business trip to New Orleans (he will be gone Friday thru next Wed), and then go get my earrings and say something to him about everything that's happened, how i feel? Or maybe at least let him know that I'm sorry if I pressured him and I am able to take it slow if that's what he needs? The first night he came around and we were together again, i told him 'you can't just try me on for size here', and he said 'i dont' have to - I already know that you fit'. After New Orleans, he's back for two or three days, then going on a two week trip to Canada for fishing w/extended family. So I feel all this pressure to see him and break my NC in between his trips HELP!!!!!!!!!!

It really was strong. And SO loving, so much kindness towards each other, and teamwork. Best friends, on top of being a couple. We had literally the occasional argument (who was going to get the bagels on a Sunday, etc.). He's from a family that was ripped apart by divorce, and the only strange problem we had was that he was absolutely terrified of conflict - he literally could not engage in a healthy argument without getting totally spooked and letting his flight instinct kick in (whcih i know was finally the catalyst for him to call it quits). He recognized this problem, even apologized for his inability to have healthy discussions when an issue arose when we returned from vacation. It's like as soon as there was work and personal growth to go through, he threw in the towel. This is what serious relationships go through, everyone has fights about stupid stuff, everyone has their own kinks. Ours were SO minor...

My ex and I returned from a trip to the Caribbean in March where we had a pretty serious argument (based on stupid issues that have come up before in the past). We were together two years, and really rarely argued, had a very strong loving relationship. Were at the moving-in together stage when we returned and, after a week of cooling off from the fight, he ended it. I found out one week after he ended it that that same night he had gotten together with a friend of his sister's visiting from San Francisco. He told me was "falling in love with her" when I confronted him about it. The shock literally just ravaged me; for two months I could hardly breathe, couldn't eat, just totally decimated. I can't believe I wasn' fired from my job during that time...Turns out they started a ridiculous long distance relationship over the next month; I played my cards well, didn't let him see me desperate and devastated; he and i got together a few times for coffee, etc. and talked sporadically during that time - of course, his thing with her cooled off, he ended it. Then, three weeks ago after NC for a week or so, he calls me up and asks to go for dinner. He tells me there that he's really missed me, etc. and how sorry he is. That he made a mistake about the other girl, it was just an idea he was in love with. I'm sitting there thinking this is his big pitch to get back together and I was just elated - well during that week, he flip flops all over the place. Since the other girl ended he was now thinking he wanted to "be single" for now, etc. He was confused, and maybe just wanted to start dating slowly (each other) again. I was SO CAREFUL not to push him, not to drag up issues that are moot by now, all that week i just let him guide what was happening. And then I wanted to know though if we were working towards something, and he tells me he does just want to be single right now and is concerned about 'the repurcussions with family and friends' if we got back together. So I said "so I guess you're not confused" about wanting to stay single, and he said "no, I guess not" What the hell does that mean? That he doesn't want to come down off his single empowerment phase and admit to people around him that he messed up and made a mistake? In that week we were 'back together' we never even discussed what happened to us to end it in the first place. I still love him so much, and I feel like I want him to know that I just want to pick up where he left off. Since the last time we talked on the phone (two weeks ago tomorrow), I have established a NC for myself, because I feel like I kept myself around and waited and was patient all during the other girl, then for him to come back and flip flop again just about killed me. Should I just let him be? Shouldn't I fight for this, and explain to him that if you love someone it doesn't matter what explanation you might have to give to others? He's 26 and we were so happy together, so successful as a couple until the end - why would he just want to 'be single'? How long does that impulse last? The weird thing is HE was the one pushing for me to move in, more eagerly than me. He moved here to NY from the midwest for us, and we really had it so wonderful... I don't know what to do - I feel like I still have hope for this, I don't want to just turn my back on it. It's been 10 weeks and I feel all this pressure, like so much time has passed maybe he's just totally forgotten about me...the NC is killing me, but i'm hanging in there (barely). Of course, he just shuts himself off, is not a communicator, and so I haven't heard from him at all. HELP! Maybe a guy could weigh in here??????