Kary

the weight could be an issue. I lost my job due to a perm. layoff last may...then he lost his because of a wrongful termination after he injured himself on the job. He's going through a lawsuit right now. We've both gained weight...he's more noticeable. I think this may be some of it...but I wonder if he just doesn't hvae the drive. Maybe it's because he's not been in such a long relationship before..only very very short-lived ones? and now that it's getting serious, for some reason, in his brain--the sexual part is gettign less and less. I don't know. It may be partially the weight...i try to get him to eat healthy with me a take walks with the dog, but he can't stick to a regiment like that....

Beelzebubmilk...I agree. I think it's just immature and a coverup for their own issues! You go! Kommandant...I'm not sure if the satisfying thing is it. Although an obvious thought, I[/b] never thought of it! I don't think that's it...not sure though. In the beginning we were going strong, then about a year later it started to dwindle. We moved in together so he could move out of his mom's and save cash and I wanted to save too. Then he would disappear all night, sometimes till the next day...then the "going strong" went to not at all or only when he wanted something. It got to the point of us breaking it off for a bit. I moved out and then after everything blew over, we were back together, living separately--the sex was normal at that point from what I can remember. But then it became shorter...each time that is. He used to say "sorry" or the like, but now if the moment seems to need a comment or not, I'll let him know how satified I am. To be honest, and I'm sure other women agree: as long as we're both satisfied, personally, I don't care HOW long it is. So maybe or maybe not--satisfying--being the issue. Maybe he thinks it's not good enough, but acts like it's okay on the outside. I can't say/do anymore to show my satifaction. the comment on gay...look back on this post of mine. I discussed the issue at hand there. Long story, short, I'm 90% sure that's not it. 98%. The lingerie thing: I've done it and gotten absolutely NO response...only once, it was a gift from him for xmas, never was used again. I've ended up sleeping in any of it adn that's it. But on the other hand, he points out stuff in the stores and comments that I should buy something--but then I think, "why?" it didn't work before. He's into the more "sexy" then "feminine" if you get my drift. Fine with me on that...but the moments don't seem to "arise" too often, so it's hard to plan. you know, this is something i may just not get, but H20 turns him on...mornings are an absolute "no", nights he seems tired, unless we're out and about in the apartment and HE'S in the mood. I guess I'm just still confused. I'm happy when it does happen, but at the same time, it's on his call. Not that I'm "settling" but, I'm almost to the point of being okay with it if it doesn't happen unless he initiates. So, in a way, it's okay, but you'd think that he'd like it if I encouraged it. Maybe I can figure out a different approach, for when I'm in need. The damn kid is just tired all of hte time!!!!! Any ideas????

This last post is not the issue. He has some childhood issues that ARE following him to adulthood. He has stress in his "social" life that has been driving him nuts. It's not smell or bi-sexuality. And I HAVE asked him. He of course, like any other man would like a 3-some--with another woman. But not another man. We're open, we can talk like that and be honest. I'm not blaming him. I'm concerned for his mental health. He's got problems beyond what you can comprehend, trust me. Now though, he has simplified his social life to an absolute minimum. He's a ton better. And hey, guess what, our intimate life is back up to par. Not 100%, but almost. He's been going with me to my "shrink", we've been talking and the like. Communication, communication, communication. No blaming, lying, etc. Just plain old communication. It's the breakthrough that's the tough part--and he's a tough one.

What you're saying makes so much sense. My only problem is that I've exhausted my savings. My dad (and mom in a sense, even though she brings in no income) is my financial income. I love him and what he's done for me since I've lost my job. You know this has gone on before, when I was making a very good income. She's just relentless. I think I need to just suck it up and go get a job anywhere, so I can be on my own financially, and then take action like you're saying. That's the only answer--I need a job! Then I can cut her off. Most of the help given to me by all of you guys has helped quite a bit. I'm getting through to her. The visiting and phone calls are now on my terms. The conversations are done when I want them to be done, so the fighting's not happening! Thank you all! I will update when something happens!

Yup, legal action sounds like the step to take. If she doesn't respect me soon, I'll seriously have to do that. I just cut her off just an hour ago. She tried to claw her way into conversation and started a fight, but I CUT HER OFF!!!! Now, to just follow through every day until she gets it.

I hear ya! I'm in the process of doing exactly what you stated. With her, it's very hard. She pushes the subjects and if I say I have things to do or the like she repeats her conversation or starts in on the guilt trips. It's extremely hard to get her to just hang up. I've even just interrupted and said the above and followed through with: "I'm hanging up now" and she goes beserck! She calls me back 3-5 times thinking I'll answer. It's sooo stressful. Not to get too personal here or anything, but her calls and visits affect me to the point of having physical "responses"--let's just say I have to run to the bathroom even if I'm still on the phone! It's pretty bad!

I agree, the "smell" person's post IS off the subject. In my case at least, the gay thing was a huge concern at first, but after I concluded (with facts) that it was not the issue, I found out about the molestation as a child, by his stepfather. You know, we had a normal sex life for the first 6 months or so, and now after 2.5 years, it's dwendled off like you're saying: once a month or less! I know that my boyfriend has anxiety issues and addiction problems--like obsessive cleaning, fidgeting, and so on. He says that with the stress and such in his life that he cannot, even when he wants to. By cannot, I mean perform. He enjoys the act and foreplay, I can testify to that, but they are few and far between. I now agree with him after we've talked, that the stress level in his life is affecting performance. Without giving your b-friend suggestions (which may lead to his excuses), maybe ask him if he's stressed out on a daily basis or notice if he's OCD or the like. Without bringing up your intimate life, of course, so he's not led on by the subject. I feel the same way. My body almost feels achy and/or numb when I get rejected. It hurts, like you said. I've backed off of pursuing because it gets me no where--it seems to change the experience when it does happen. I've read before that asking or encouraging more sex to a man will turn them off in our situation. It adds to the fire in a sense. I think maybe this is a process that we cannot expect to happen overnight. If you have a lead on the issue, go from there like I am. I never thought in my wildest dreams that he was abused...but then again, it's a fact that 1 out of so many men/women are walking past us daily, that have been abused or are being abused, we just dont' know it. it's something that is rarely, if ever brought up or discussed. I know my b-friend has pride like you wouldn't believe and is very private--so it was an experience and a half when it came up finally. Just check it out...see what's up with him, and make sure before you talk marriage. Sex isn't everything, but it is a bonding part of a relationship. What my doctor once said was, "if you can stick by him for the process of solutions, then go for it. If it's something nagging at your brain constantly and it's running your life, then re-evaluate." Let me know if anything "arises"!

I've tried the cut-off thing and that just makes her worse. She and my dad are only an hour-an-a-half away and she just comes to my home if I don't talk to her on the phone. I think maybe it's this (let me know if you guys--all replies from the above--think this makes sense, I found it on the web): Will the mother accept you her daughter as a grown-up? Does she have faith in you to be self-sufficient on small issues as well as large-who have you become , how do you express your sexuality, what about your job, what do you do with your money? Allowing daughters be their own woman is a universal problem for mothers emerging out of mother daughter relationships. Mothers and daughters, who have difficulty with their mother daughter relationships as adults, often duplicate the old patterns of control and upheaval from childhood. They still can't hear each other. The daughter will hear the mother make a remark and she'll think, 'She wants to be in charge still.' And the mother will inadvertently say something that is totalling controlling, but was not meant to be. In the meantime, when the daughter responds, the mother hears nothing but anger-in a remark that does indeed convey anger but another message as well: "I love you, and aren't we able to do this differently?" Most mothers are encouraging of their daughters within their mother daughter relationships, they want to be helpful to their daughters, and feel very bewildered by them. One of the things observed quite regularly is that the mother knows so very little about her own self, that she's giving too much importance on how her daughter turns out rather than, 'What do I know about myself and how do I feel about myself?' Daughters can model a great deal from a mother who is self-aware of herself." This is just a snip-net, if you feel "adventurous" or whatever the term is, here's the article: yourpurelife.co.uk/articles/mother_daughter.html I think she basically doesn't know her boundaries. I've been a normal daughter--rebelling and the like, but no drug abuse or drinking. I started drinking when I went to college and now if I'm saying that I'm going out with a friend when we're talking, she starts in on how I shouldn't drink so much. There's a rare occasion when I drink, and her comments are not necessary--AT ALL! I just had an afternoon with her in my city--she wanted to go shopping and walk through galleries downtown. We had a decent day..but that's very rare. I sent that article above to my dad to have him print it off for her. Told her not to take it as mean or the like, just some good advice. We'll see what happens today when she reads it. I think maybe she's got too much time on her hands. She doesn't and hasn't worked for years, my brother's home working P/T, my dad's a workaholic so not home much...now I'm "alone", in her mind, in a different city. huh. Well, I just don't know. Maybe I should just let her call and when she calls my friends and such or yells at me or guilts me for not answering, I'll just have to say: I want this to work, but it can't be only what you want--just stand my ground. I fell for the "i just needed to talk to my daughter..." act and "i told you to answer when i call..." crap. Now I just need to say "NO". I love her dearly, but cannot DO THIS!!!! While out of work right now, it's hard to stand my ground with her--I'm out of savings, and need them for finacial support...but does that mean that I have to give up my wants/needs because they're supporting my for the time being? How about with a job: she still does this stuff...do I just stand ground with the phone/visits and let HER deal with it? Plain and simple, I feel like I don't have a choice. Like I'm an awful person. Like I never do anything right. I'm just learning like everyone else in the world. I told her that. And that I will take in their advice, but I need to do things on my own. You know, there just seems to be no way out. I'm always cornered by her.

ok. I'm at my wit's end. My "shrink" is even out of options! My mom and I were great friends about 7 years back, but then I went to college. I think that it's because (even though I went to college in my small hometown) she couldn't respect or handle me not being around or at home anymore. Then, I moved to a city about an hour away after college and things are even worse. My older brother (he's twenty-eight) went to college ahead of me and when I was ready to go to college, he ended up moving back home and going to the same university. I've figured out that he relies on her and my dad too much and my mom enables him like you wouldn't believe. He's just sucking it all up! So now for the past 3 years, I've been living in a city an hour away and she calls between 2-5 times a day on my cell and at work. She won't stop. I've gone through different methods with my doctor, then my mom to see if they'll make her quit, but nothing works. She just won't respect my independence or privacy or needs. I am like any other daughter, I call her, visit, etc. I give what any normal daughter would give. Other notes: my grandma, although she gets bugged sometimes too, and my mom talk every day (several times), my dad's a workaholic and isn't home alot, my brother obviously doesn't have a problem with my mom's enabling--so she must think she just has to keep pushing me... I have tried the task of not answering the phone, telling her I'm eating or busy, cutting the conversation short, reacting in anger, reacting in yes's and no's and then cutting it short, tellign her how I feel in a nice way and the list goes on. If I don't answer my cell, she'll call my friends and such and try to figure out where I am. She's even come to my city and sat outside my apartment home and waited until I showed, also she's had my manager unlock my door, again, the list goes on. I'm to the point of having a break down or just cutting her off (phone-wise). I wished she'd just listen to my request to only call once a week or every two weeks. When she calls, it's never pleasent. This is why I can't stand it. She'll tell me how she doesn't like this or that that my friend's do, she doesn't like my current boyfriend or past ones (perfect partners or not 100%), I'm not spending money wisely, I'm not talkign to her enough, I don't have the job I deserve, now that I've been laid-off from my past job I'm not looking hard enough or the jobs i'm being interviewed for aren't good enough...list goes on. This is litteraly all I hear. I am doing everything in my power to make my life the best I can. My friends are just fine, boyfriend, past jobs, job hunting/interviewing, conversations with her are plenty, etc. My doc and friends/boyfriend are all telling me I'm fine, my mom's just overbearing and needy. Is there ANYONE out there with some advice!? I've gone from dealing with her (which makes ME unhappy and stressed out) to tellign her honestly how I feel, and NOTHING works! Maybe I should just answer when I want and then deal with her being upset or callings others to find me? But I feel like this may just make things worse in the mother/daughter relationship department. Oh yeah, she's also made my grandma call me when I don't answer and called my "shrink" to set up an appointment to talk about MY sessions with him!!!! This is insane! And I'm going insane! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm new to this site and just happened upon your issue and found it scary that i have and am in this situation almost to a tee. considering 90% of your situation is like mine...let's go from there. i am 26, dating a 26 year old. the 10% difference between us is that i was not a virgin when i started dating him--and maybe acouple little things in your posting here and there. so anyways, we had a normal sexual relationship, but then out of no where, it begin to dwindle away. now, if i'm lucky, we make love 1-2 times a month. this hurts. off-track here for a second, i was raped at age 16 by an ex, had no boyfriends for years and then didn't have sex again until college (age 19ish), was almost married to a man...and all along never had an orgasm...well with my present boyfriend, for the first time EVER, i am having them. so my point, it hurts because for the first time it's right. now keep in mind our very very similar situations: jealousy, mean comments, etc. about a year and a half ago (1 yr. into relationship), he confided in me about his past--his stepdad had sexually abused him from the age of 9 to the age of 13. no one else knows this, he's embarrassed. he has no good or any memories of that time period, even general thoughts or memories--nothing. i've been seeing my "shrink" that has been in my life since i was raped, and he strongly believes that my present boyfriend is having intimate issues because of the past sexual abuse. he said maybe our sexual relationship was normal in the beginning, but now that he's in a serious relationship for the first time, he's backing off because of the closeness, the intimacey is hitting home with the bad memories of the abuse. does that make sense? it's like intimacy scares him--the serious, settle-down parts. i thought he was gay, like the other member suggested, but found out this abuse information and have definitely ruled it out. his jealousy, whether ridiculous or not, has no part in this (for me at least)... oh, and something personal here, he on a regular basis likes to "receive" sexual things, but not give often...and then the lack of sex comes in. "hunt" around for feelings or information from his past, through him. although it may be hard to hear, see if he's had healthy relationships, sexual or not...what is his relationship with his father like? his mother? his siblings? that tells alot. on my end, his mom and sister were the only regulars living in the home (the father passed away 10 years after the divorce, the stepfather bolted because he's a worthless human being), and he's always felt out-numbered or not understood...so when it comes to him and i, it's like i am receiving the memories of his past as a woman...his jealousy, his telling me i have a problem with being obsessed with sex and settling down and so forth, then comes in with the abuse memories. one last point: our relationship was perfect at first and then, besides this issue, he has an addiction--so things are tough now, but getting under control with some professional help. i will seriously suggest that you find out about his past, family, relationships, etc. if you hear "red flags" in anything he says, consider that as maybe a clue. i think the other member posting replies to you is really on the right track...just consider the abuse subject into this. i thought it was me too, but at least in my situation, i realized on my own it wasn't and by some act of someone out there, the abuse came up and things became more clear. now please don't go and bring up abuse or be too blunt, it will put him on guard like you wouldn't believe, i'm sure. just dig a little and see what you find. good luck!

the overview i'm here for a friend. i've been searching for help topics online and have not found the right key words for search engines to find a direct topic of help for her. i have been friends with her for about 2 years. in the beginning of our friendship, i noticed her boyfriend would abuse drinking at any chance. now i'm aware that he's an alcoholic and has done treatment, AA, etc. with no positive end in sight. she seemed to handle it fine and i didn't know her well enough to communicate personal feelings about this with her. well, long story-sort-of-short: she has been cheated on about 30 times (for a fact) in the 4-year relationship and has acquired 3 stds--one that doesn't have a cure and also has been in the unfortunate situation of havign to be present with him for blood tests because two women have said he may be the father of their newborns (he's not, but it's an awful experience, i'm sure). she loved him so much and tried so hard to help him and now with my help recently too--she has realized that no matter how much she cares for him and how much she wants a family, that it's not worth it. she's 37 now and just wants to settle down (divorced once, no children, civil breakup there). so, she moved out of their apt. approx. 5 months ago, which went okay, but she was still "seeing" him. then she moved into her mother's, straightened her head out and now broke it off for good. the problem he's obsessing. he's very emotional, aggressive and well, obsessed. he calls her cell once, she won't answer and i've been there to see at least 10-20 calls one after another. he finds us if we go out for just social chatting, he calls the business she owns and the PT job on the side that she has--so much now that her employees, partner, boss, co-workers are all questioning the issue of the obsessive calling. he'll call crying like a mad-man, begging for her to come back, begging for just a friendship (no way!) and the like. it's over, but it's not. not for him. she has fully moved on now and has taken up a relationship that had been a friendship prior (the ex doesn't know--and won't the new one lives states away). now he has a court hearing this morning in a different county for his 7th DUI/after revocation and of course he can't drive to it or catch a ride for that matter. she has consulted her new boyfriend and he's ok with her driving him to the hearing as long as i go with. of course i am. i'm afraid for her. he has physically and obviously mentally harmed her in the past and is now practically stalking her. i've asked her why not threaten a restraining order, but she said he won't listen. she's right. also, his job is directly accross the street from her PT job, so i'm not sure even if she did get one if it could be in effect because they "have" to work so near each other. he is a desperate man and will litterally do anything to constantly attempt to get her back. he has not threatened her or himself with physical harm yet, but it may get to that point. oh, another thing: he's relied on her for rides to and from work when it works for her because of his revocation--so now when he goes to hueber (jail with allowances to continue present job) or gets the bracelet, he's goign to be more obsessed with begging her to pick him up and drop him off. it's just never ends with him and i feel like i have no more advice or solutions to help her. she's very cornered right now and i just want to help. is there anyone online tonight that could give me some help? one other thing: she's selling her business but it doesn't look too near in the future--she's going to move to where her current boyfriend lives. so for the time being, what can i do to help her so things don't get worse and also so she can just live in peace?!