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Good day, I think I have a bit of an idea how Ed is feeling. There is an obsessive-compulsive component here that should be recognized. This could be observed through Ed's fixation on the damage he had done to the fridge for his entire stay at the previous apartment. I am much the same way. If I do something wrong, or somebody wrongs me, I think about it constantly. I keep thinking about things that happened to me ten years ago or more, even seemingly small things and they haunt me. Like getting turned down by a woman, or getting fired from a job. And it spills over into my day to day life in the form of obsessions and compulsions. For example I have trouble crossing over the threshold into my bedroom because I am afraid I will be thinking the wrong thoughts while crossing. Or if I look at something the wrong way I find myself going back to look at it again. Or if I see a bottle cap or something on the street I will feel like I have to either touch it, or pick it up and throw it out, or make sure a stick is pointed the right way. Or what have you. Lately, because sometimes the pressure feels unbearable, I have begun to yell inside my vehicle alone and pound the top of the roof. I feel like I am in prison, but I am not. I might as well be in prison it seems sometimes because my mind is my prison. Again, I am not sure that Ed is obsessive-compulsive, but the similarity I can see is his fixation on something seemingly small, and the feelings of anger that this generates inside. Cheers, Dan

Jer 20:14 Cursed be the day when I was born; Let the day not be blessed when my mother bore me! Jer 20:15 Cursed be the man who brought the news To my father, saying, "A baby boy has been born to you!" And made him very happy. Jer 20:16 But let that man be like the cities Which the LORD overthrew without relenting, And let him hear an outcry in the morning And a shout of alarm at noon; Jer 20:17 Because he did not kill me before birth, So that my mother would have been my grave, And her womb ever pregnant. Jer 20:18 Why did I ever come forth from the womb To look on trouble and sorrow, So that my days have been spent in shame? ==================================== I feel like this a lot. I feel empty and everything seems meaningless. There was a time however, that I used to try to remedy my problems with elicit drug use. It seems that I felt so good on cocaine that I actually felt there was a purpose to life. On cocaine I felt good, and although it would be impossible to adequately answer a metaphysical question on the meaning of life, if something made me feel good - what did it matter why? Who needed a meaning? I believe a lot of people lead their lives that way. They feel happy. So who needs a meaning. The following letter is to a man who inscribed words on a fridge magnet. This served the pivotal role in my ending drug use. -------------------- Dear Roy Lessin, I want to share something with you that has had an enormous impact on my life, and will continue to do so in the years ahead. On July 25, 2001 early in the morning I was smoking crack cocaine by myself in my house. I had not finished all that I had purchased and there was still a large chunk left, but I knew that I had already gone altogether too far. I heart was racing and I was afraid and distraught. I lay down on my mattress on the floor and just burst out in tears to God, and kept asking "Please God Please; Please send someone with a message for me. Please send someone by the hand of whom you may!!" I remembered the parable of the woman in the Bible who continually wearied the king with her petitioning, and Jesus promise. So I kept crying and praying "I know you hear me Lord, I know you do." And I knew that He did. I was so convinced that He was going to answer my prayer exactly as I had expected that I kept going to the window, looking out for someone to arrive. I waited for hours and no one arrived. Finally I said "Lord, in your time" and realized that I should not be setting time limits on God. I went to sleep and when I awoke I kind of felt like maybe I was just being crazy with all my petitioning, and with all I had imagined. This depressed me. Nevertheless, by the grace of God I was still committed to His timing, and prayerfully tossed the last chunk in the toilet and flushed it. The same day I went to meet family at a restaurant for my brothers birthday. As soon as I stepped out of my truck my sister greeted me and indicated that she had something for me. Hmmm, something for me on my brothers birthday? When I opened the package and read the words on the fridge magnet I turned my head trying to hold back all the emotion that wanted to pour out. "Whatever God asks you to lift, He gives you the grace to carry" Thank you, Roy, for being a channel through which God answered my cry in such an amazing way. To know that the living God, who made heaven and earth - spoke to me, and cares for me! Love in Christ, Dan