Hello,
I can't believe I'm posting on this board. If someone told me this morning that I would be been searching Google for a suicide forum, I would have thought they were nuts.
I'm 37 years old. And I'm disgusted with myself. And when I tell you what I did just about an hour ago that made me go online and start searching the words "I want to kill myself," you're going to feel disgusted with me too.
I've read through a few of these posts and it seems like many of the people here feeling hopeless and suicidal are young. And that makes sense to me. Because I remember feeling that way when I was seventeen.
But now I'm a grown man.
And when I tell you what caused me to get online and find this board, you're going to think me ridiculous, especially when there are so many people here in so much real pain.
About a month ago we moved into this new apartment. And I was glad to get out of the other one. So many things in my life seemed to be building up and creating a pressure that has been becoming almost unbearable.
One of the things about the other place that always weighed on my mind was the fact that I had damaged a few of the things in the apartment. I threw a coffee cup at the refrigerator one night and it left two dents. Ridiculously enough that damaged fridge weighed on my mind for the entire four years I lived there. I caused the damage because I was in a rage one night.
I was constantly terrified being that the place wasn't ours, yet I had damaged it. I was always thinking about what I had done and about what the landlord was going to do when the time came that we were going to eventually move out.
This sounds so ridiculous to me as I'm writing it, but on top of the other things in my life, it really was a relief a month ago when I was able to leave behind the damage that I had caused.
Well, I've been in this new apartment for about a month. And today in a rage, I cut through a piece of chicken on the counter with a big butcher knife, so hard, that I put a huge gash in the counter top, which had absolutely no damage before this. It's a huge and deep gash and it has completely ruined the entire counter.
Once again it happened because I was angry. And the instant I saw that gash, I almost threw up. I told you this would sound ridiculous, but for some crazy reason I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown, and then started thinking about how I hated being alive with all the pressures in my life... plus this damage crap again.
I hope a few of you can see past such a seemingly small event that brought me to this board today. I can't believe at 37 years old I'm having thoughts about how things would be if I would just end it all. And especially over something so stupid as what I'm feeling about the damage that I've done once again.
I wish I could just go out and buy a new counter. Of course I cant. And I know this is going to eat me up. Today it brought me to a suicide forum for the first time in my life, and I can only pray that I'm having a ridiculous moment, and that later on I'll feel differently.
ed
