Lobster
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Shocked, I am printing this out as I type, and plan on keeping copies next to the 'phone, in my purse, and next to the pc (incase of online contact). Thanks for the good luck wishes too... right back atchya!
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Thanks to you both for the input once again (and Shocked, of course I don't mind you replying in my thread we're all one big family here). Shocked - I think the reason I am hoping not to hear that is because I'm not sure I'd be able to make him understand why I couldn't do that right now without him being his usual stubborn self and saying "ok, fair enough, bye then" ... however, if he does say something along those lines, I shall be ready to say what you have suggested, ie, that I suppose I could try, and also ask him what he would do about making things better. Good point about the privacy thing too... I have mentioned before that I feel I have been too accessible to him at times; this will have to stop! muneca, I think he has (we have) figured out that we both still enjoy each other's company. It's comfortable, easy, familiar. So shoo I shall! If he wants to spend time with me, why should I have to sit in the house watching TV with him, when we could be having a nice meal or a drink, or even having a walk on the beach? I am hoping there is going to be some kind of "date" invitation soon... if there is none forthcoming, should I initiate it? I am getting a bit disillusioned with the same old same old. That was one of the things I had a problem with before he left... the only time we spent together was in the house... any "going out" was him with his friends, while I stayed in... bad habit! I think that may have been one of the things about me he didn't like. That I was happy to stay in while he went out with his friends. At the time, I thought if it as giving him his "away time"; not trying to "control" him. I think he interpreteted it as "she doesn't care". In fact, before I started NC and we were trying to work things out before it all went wrong again, I even said that to him. That at the time, I had thought I was doing the right thing; that I did it because I loved him and always knew he'd be coming home to me at the end of the night. I think I shall just keep on the way I am going, with slight changes. I will still let him initiate contact (I think NC has served it's purpose for me so far) however, I will make it clear that I am not too keen on unannounced visits; also that I am not available at just any time to see him (even though in reality I may be); and that I am not exactly enamoured with spending our "quality time" together sitting on a sofa staring at a box in the corner of the room! Hope I am understanding things a bit better. I'm sure either/both of you (or any other interested party) will let me know if not Big love!
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Thanks, shocked . I haven't really given much thought to the "talk", and what might happen after that... possibly because I still get the feeling it's a way off yet; but I will keep in mind what you have said and continue to work on myself. In all honesty (and I for one never thought I'd hear myself say this), I am hoping that when the "talk" does come, it won't be a "I want you back right now" talk. I will not jump straight back into a full-blown relationship with him, because how do I know he has been working on himself, like I have been? How will I know he has acknowledged that he's not perfect either? That is something that he will have to show me over time, should we decide to work on things. It is unthinkable for me right now to share this house with him again... and that's a really strange thing to feel, but it's not something I could do so quickly again. We were together for over a year before we moved in together; and as far as I'm concerned, should we take the route of working things out together, it will be a fresh start, and definitely a good length of time before it happens again. I hope things get better for you soon, shocked. It sounds very wearing for you, and not at all pleasant. I agree; our exes don't realise how tiring it all is for us - too much thinking does sap energy. Hang in there, and keep flexing those mental muscles! I'll be rooting for you .
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Thanks once again for your take on things muneca. I do feel alot more stable these days, and I know that's all down to NC. It was hard, but I kept at it, kept reading/posting on here to keep my spirits up, and it's definitely paid off for me. I know it doesn't always work for everyone; but in my own situation, I felt I had nothing else to lose by doing it... I also feel more able to cope with whatever may come my way in the future; be it trying things again with him, or going it alone. Of course I would prefer the former, but whatever happens now I know I can get through it, because I have already had a dress rehearsal! I will just take each day/situation/meeting as it comes, do whatever I think is best at that time, and see what happens. I intend to remain firm - I will not give in to him, however tempting it may be. Like you say; he hurt me once, and he could do it again. This time around though, I am armed with knowledge and strength I did not have before. Maybe he should beware? I am Lobster! Hear me roar!
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Thanks so much for your input, Shocked. When he does call by (announced/arranged or not), I get the feeling he is trying to make me feel like he's doing me some sort of favour; that I'm somehow honoured by his presense... ooh, lucky me! I have not exactly done my best to show him I am not at his beck and call... that's why I thought about doing NC again. I had it all set straight in my head last night to do that, then tonight happened... I want to be somewhat 'accessible', but at the same time, not appear like I am 'waiting' for his every contact; ie I want to see him when it's convenient for ME. That's why I think it would be too hard to go back to complete NC... although I do think minimal contact may be good for me for a while. I have to show him I am not 'waiting around' for him... I am still waiting for some kind of 'breakthrough' - good or bad. I just will not be the one to initiate it. I'm hanging in there! Thanks again to everyone... keep the advice/views/pm's coming! I get alot more help from each and every reply! You are all such an inspiration!
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Argh! Why does everything get so complicated again?! So I'm sitting in my bathrobe, having a quick chat to a friend online before having a shower, when the doorbell goes... guess who? Called to see 'if there was any post'. I put kettle on and go and put clothes on... do NOT want to be sitting around in bathrobe when he's round... not good idea. Things a bit cooler tonight. No advances, etc. I am pleased, but at the same time, puzzled. He stayed for about an hour, gave me a quick kiss and hug before leaving... What the hell is going on? Now I can't even do NC 'cos he turns up unannounced... how rude and inconsiderate! Short of closing all the blinds etc, how am I supposed to make out like I'm not here? Maybe the fact that my car is on the drive is a bit of a giveaway... If it weren't for the garage being clogged full of bloody motorbike(s) and related paraphernalia, maybe I could actually put the car away... I am worried about sounding off about this to him incase it scares him off for good - I know I should not care, but like I keep saying, I refuse to give up on 9 years of my life... not yet anyway. NC is fine; I can do that, I know I can because I have done it already... but... what about when I have no choice in the matter ie him turning up out of the blue?? I want to run away! But I know 'it' will all still be here, or follow me anyway. I am running out of ideas, and fast... Help!
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Thanks for the advice and input again, Muneca. I never thought of the 'making me feel guilty' thing... you are most likely right there. Why should I feel guilty? He left... he said he didn't love me any more... he didn't want to try again... now 4 months later I am supposed to fall into his arms/our bed? No way! I think the only 'good' things that have come of this are that he has seen how good I can still look (like when we met), that I can indeed survive without him, that he still finds me attractive, that I can be friendly, funny and happy. The other stuff... not so good. He kind of invites himself over; however I am not helping matters by agreeing to it every time, am I? Being alone together is also not helping, not if it's at home anyway. I can't avoid being online as it is my only point of contact with my friends around the country; however this does not mean I have to answer him when he contacts me I suppose. I think NC again for a while. To get my head straight again. I will think of this as a momentary lapse in my recovery. Will update again as usual when there's anything to report. Who invented 'love' anyway? I would like a long talk with them I think...
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Sorry folks - another long one... Oh God. This is getting worse, not better, and I don't think there's a damned thing I can do about it... He called over yesterday morning (Sunday) for the bike. Everything ok. Everything pleasant and friendly. Came back. Had cuppa. Watched TV. Kissed a bit; mistake. He wanted more... again. He persued the intention also... I stopped us and explained again that it would not be a good idea for anything to happen... for either of us (even though I meant 'me' - as far as he's concerned, I am a woman, not his wife I think, and that hurts). Again we parted on good terms, but he was frustrated... in that way. He contacted me online later... He mentioned being frustrated. I couldn't help myself.... I asked if he thought I was only here for sex. He evaded answering the question. He repeated that I still have my home (just after saying "it's ok for you... I get to live in a room"). He disappeared. Texted to say he'd got cut off, again. I have seriously had enough now. I will not be used like this. He can tell how I feel, ie I still have feelings. Big mistake to show that, even though I tried so hard to keep my feelings under wraps. I can also tell how he feels... ie that he thinks I am here for sex (even though there would be no chance of that); that I am at his beck and call; that I am still waiting for him... I cannot go on like this. I am starting to feel like I did when he left, and I will NOT go back to feeling like that again. I think I need to do NC again for a while... but after what has happened in the last 2 weeks or so, will I be able to make it work? He contacts me most nights aleady... he would know I was ignoring him... I might as well just give up on our 9 years now, I think. I have seriously had enough. Any input whatsoever will be VERY welcome
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Sorry, this is a bit of a long post... Surprisingly enough he texted on Saturday morning about the bike... He called over early (9am). The battery was flat (again). Put it on charge, went to his guitar lessons/teaching for the day. He rang at around 5.30pm but I wasn't in. He left a message. I called him back. He came back over at around 6.30pm... Everything started off fine. Cup of tea as usual, sat in the garden for a while, watched TV, light flirting (more on his part, but I did reciprocate when I felt I could/should). Then he got more persistent... kissing, trying to touch me . I can't say it wasn't a nice feeling, but I had to keep stopping him... I didn't want things to go further; and besides it was making me feel uncomfortable. I mentioned his visit earlier in the week when my guests were staying; when he mentioned that it might have been nice to do something together. I asked him what he would have suggested doing had they not been there. He said "I dunno... just... hang?" I calmly explained in the best way I could that although it (the physical stuff) may feel great at the time for both of us, afterwards I would not feel good about myself... that I would be taking a step back... that I didn't want to feel like that about myself... that if he wanted that, it should be for the right reasons... He even wanted to stay the night! No, no, no! He apologised. I know that he meant it too. We hugged for a while. We parted on good terms. He held my face while he kissed me and was very gentle (not sure if it will help to know this but he's 6'2" and I'm 5'4", so he's a bit of a giant; or am I tiny?). He's calling again in the morning to put the battery back on the bike... He msn'd me tonight again. Happy and friendly on both sides. Was only on for a few minutes. Nothing said about his visit earlier. So, the realisation/dilemma now for me is... I cannot go on seeing him like this. I feel like he wants me physically, but nothing else. It's hard thinking that, but that's how I feel. The physical attraction is still there for me too, but I feel more than he does by the looks of things. I have not mentioned anything about 'us'; I have not questioned him in any way; I have not made any 'moves'. If the only time he ever wants to see me is in my (our) home, how am I ever going to get away from this situation of him trying things on with me? If we still find each other attractive (which is obvious from our last few meetings), and we still think the other is funny, good to be around, happy etc, what is the problem? After 9 years together, you'd think I may be able to fathom all this out. I wish I could get my head around it all... I am getting the distinct feeling that him asking me out is something that's getting more and more remote. I cannot be 'busy' when he calls - my friends are all over the country, I have a few within a 20 mile radius that I see every other week or so; I have no money to afford a new hobby that would get me out of the house; he knows I am always here or at work... what do I do now?? Please, any suggestions, bar going AWOL? Argh! It is all so frustrating! I need red, and fast!
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I have to admit, reading back through some of my posts on here, it does sound a bit like a soap opera... but it's good that I can see it too I suppose! Something sprang to mind earlier that he said when he called last Sunday about the bike (when my guests were here), he asked if I had watched the last 'Friends' and the start of 'Big Brother' on the Friday night (we always watched them together). I said I was too busy but had taped them to watch later. He had this kind of wistful look on his face and said "I saw them. It felt really strange watching them... you know... without you". I think maybe he is realising that I was not the whole problem all along; that I was just part of why he was unhappy, and that now I am not around and he's still unhappy (or seems to be from what he's said), maybe he's really thinking about things now that he hadn't thought about before, while we were together... like you said, "figuring out what he has to do". We are forecast good weather for the weekend (ie the kind of weather bikers love ). Maybe he will be getting in touch "about the bike" again over the weekend... maybe even tonight? Who knows? Tune in next time... etc etc
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muneca, you're right. He probably did kiss me just because he wanted to kiss me. It's hard to not read into things that maybe should be taken just as they are; at face value. I will bear that in mind if it happens again. You're also right about the bedroom being right here... which is exactly why I maybe panicked a bit too much! I'm glad I did the right thing biting my tongue when he mentioned me still having my (ours, really) home. The last thing I want to do is scare him off by being nasty and confrontational. I hope I surprised him by not snapping back at him. I actually feel proud of myself at how far I seem to have come; how much I've learned about myself during the last (almost) 4 months since he left. That I can survive on my own (even though the money part is a bit of a struggle). That I took a step back and let him have space when all I wanted was for him to come home. That I don't feel bitterness towards him and what happened. I wonder what the next instalment will bring?
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He's actually contacted me tonight (in fact he's still here) and mentioned 'things' in a very general way... he said things were getting to him... "us, work, living here" (ie his parents'). Then he said "at least you have your home". I had to bite my tongue so hard when he said that; I just wanted to say "and whose fault's that?" Shocked... don't worry that I might get carried away... I have thought about the consequences of that and it's not something I want happening. Even though it would feel great at the time, the feelings afterwards would be far from great, so it would be a big no-no. I just don't understand why he's being like this. Is he testing the waters (ie, my response/lack of)? Reminding himself of how it felt to kiss me? It's so confusing. If he at least asked me out I would know what his intentions may be, but if all he wants is physical stuff then I'll have to back off, and fast. That's not what I want, or indeed need. I don't want to bring anything up with him either... I wouldn't know where to start; also I think he should be the one to bring things up. I think I just have to keep on the way I have been - looks like it's going to be a long haul journey!
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Had a great weekend with my friends... and guess who happened to phone on Sunday? I hadn't been online since Thursday night, so he was probably wondering what I was up to, haha! Anyway, he asked if he could call over to do something to his motorbike, I said ok, I'm in, pop over. Didn't tell him about my guests (not until he arrived, that is)... he was all kind of "oh... I was hoping we might be able to do something together", so I replied with "well it would be nice, but I can't really leave my guests, that would be rude". He left after about half an hour looking a bit dejected... He rang again last night, asked if it was a "convenient" time (sarcasm?) to call over again. He called over, we had a cuppa, chatted, watched TV for a while. He kissed me. I let him... it was nice. Very nice. Too nice. I made sure it went no further... He's online right now. I have not contacted him and don't intend to. I am a bit concerned though about letting him kiss me last night. Have I made a big mistake? Or reminded him of how nice it feels? This is harder than starting No Contact was! Argh! Any suggestions?
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Thanks for the replies The funny thing that strikes me about this development is the timing of it... which may work in my favour. I have some friends visiting this weekend for a few days (it was all planned when I was feeling alot lower, and they wanted to come and cheer me up), so if he is planning on asking me out or something, I will have to politely decline and tell him I have other plans... maybe that would reinforce with him that I am ok now and he would have to work on getting another chance with me? He didn't contact me last night - one of my friends I also chat to online said he may be panicking; thinking he's moved too fast and is giving me space, haha! Talk about the tables turning... I feel in a good position right now. He has seen me face to face a few times now and has seen that I am happy, confident, and getting on with my life. If he does ask me out I will go out with him; but if there are any 'moves' to be made, he will be the one to make them. I will not put myself up for a fall again - I have come too far. I still love him, but now it's up to him to prove he is worth my love for him, and it will take time for that to happen.
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So, on msn the other night I told him there was mail and that I'd send it on as usual (he contacts me almost every night now...). He said, it's ok I can call round for it... so last night he did. I was chatty and friendly, showed him all the gardening I've been doing, we had a cuppa, the usual things friends might do. He stayed for about an hour. I noticed he was looking at me alot... When he left, he pecked me on the lips. I was not expecting it so didn't really have time to think about how to react. Then he did it again, for a second or two longer. The third time he leaned towards me, I laughed (tried to sound lighthearted though, not sarcastic or whatever), and offered my cheek instead. I don't want to lose/undo all the self confidence and strength I have gained since the breakup, so why do I think I gave off the wrong signals last night? It was lovely to feel his lips on mine, even though it was brief... my friends at work think he may be trying to hint that he would like to try again but is scared to say out loud? Any thoughts on this anyone? And did I react in the wrong/right way? Aargh! I am so confused .
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Hi again ascen, in my situation, I have been replying when he contacts me (not straight away), but I have not initiated contact with him. I have always been friendly but neutral in any replies and most of all, brief. No Contact is to heal yourself from the breakup, get stronger, and concentrate on you. It is a long process, and I know my own situation is far from sorted out by any means, but after he saw that I could indeed 'live without' him, it seemed to spark some sort of interest again. No-one knows the best course of action in all cases, as every breakup is different, but just do what you feel is right and hopefully soon things will take a turn for the better. Take care, and let us know how you get on.
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Thanks for the reply Stingseed... I was getting a little worried that I may have been lost in amongst all the other lonely hearts here . Will just keep doing what I'm doing then, and see what happens. I can't say I never think about us trying again, but I'm not going to make it my 'goal'. He hurt me so badly, he would have to show me through his actions if he wanted another shot at things... and right now I'm in no hurry after getting myself this far. I would be disappointed in myself if I allowed any rejection by him to undo all the good things I've accomplished since all this happened, so I shall not be seeking anything from him; it is up to him to decide what is going to happen with 'us'. I won't put myself in any situation that could lead to a fall, because I know it would be worse the second time around. Meanwhile, I will keep on keeping on; I have to. Thanks again for your input, much appreciated .
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Does anyone have any advice? I haven't had any feedback for 16 days now, and I was getting so much help from everyone... please?
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Hi ascen, it obviously bothers her in some way, or she wouldn't have mailed you in the first place, as far as I see it. I would tell her you have been busy, and that you haven't had the time, and remain friendly but neutral (ie no 'relationship' talk). I myself am in NC of around 5 weeks now, after my husband left in February (tried all the begging etc... didn't work for me either). He had to call over recently for some stuff, and as soon as he saw I wasn't an emotional wreck anymore... he has been emailing, texting (and contacting me online... every night since the weekend now). I have not made myself 'available' every time he wants to talk etc, so maybe trying that would be a course of action for you also. Reading posts on this forum has helped me immensely too; I have gained a better understanding of myself and my situation through this place, so have a good look around and you'll get alot of useful advice. Hang in there!
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He has now contacted me online for the last 3 nights... last night he was there for almost 2 hours... not a constant conversation, but he kept chipping in with little questions, sending links and jokes again. I remained friendly, but neutral in my responses (also didn't respond immediately at every comment - I was busy and made sure he knew that). I have not mentioned 'us' at all, not even in a roundabout way. Should I just let things go on the way they are? Please could anyone share their thoughts on this... I feel a little lost as I haven't had much feedback of late... Apart from that, I feel good in myself. I don't think about him alot, and when I do find myself doing that I just busy myself with something else. I am still in line for more interviews for better jobs (in fact hope to have one in the bag very soon so that's all helped me feel alot more confident. I am still working out, going to my friends (when I find the time ), and... living. I still miss him, though I wouldn't ever let him see that or God forbid, tell him. Does it sound like things are going ok? I feel like they are...
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Hi everyone He signed into msn again tonight; I was on 'away'. He didn't contact me. He went 'offline' after about 15 minutes. He signed back in about 10 minutes later. I waited for 10 minutes or so (discussing with my friend what I should do ), then changed to 'online'. Kept chatting to my friend while I waited to see if anything happened... After a few minutes, he contacted me... started chatting about what he/I had been doing today. About trivial things... funny links and stuff again (like last week). Chatted for about half an hour, about nothing of any consequence really. Asked about his parents/brother/sister/dog, the normal friendly stuff anyone might do. Would I be right in thinking that now he's seen me at the weekend (see prev post/s), and that I am probably going to be offered a new job, been working out, lost weight, and look and feel better and am cheerful and funny again... he is starting to maybe see things in me he thought had gone? Or am I reading too much into things? I always had ambition for my professional life/career when we met. I was slim, attractive, funny, happy, and good to be around. I sort of lost most of those things (for whatever reason) along the way in the 9 years we've been together, before he left in February... and now I'm getting it all back, he seems to be taking notice. And I haven't contacted him... he's always come to me. Right now, I feel good about myself. I never thought it would be this soon, if at all, so I am mildly worried about this, even though I should probably be pleased. I don't have any friends I can go out with to a bar/club or whatever, but it was never my kind of thing anyway, so I don't think I'd feel comfortable doing that. I have kept busy working out at home (lack of funds), decorating, getting new job in the bag, eating healthily... spending time on me. I know I still love him (I felt it again the moment I set eyes on him on Saturday), but I don't feel like I need him, or for him/his presense to 'validate me' in any way. I still find him attractive, funny, witty, and intelligent... am I moving on or not? I don't know what to think now. I would love another shot at our marriage, but I know even considering talking about that is still a long way off, never mind trying it; so I feel a little stuck right now. Do I continue the way things are going, ie still focus on me and my self recovery/discovery, whilst maintaining no/little contact (from this side, anyway)? Do I try and take a step further... I'm not sure. Any advice/input would be greatly welcomed... I have always trusted and repsected the replies I have received here... and by God I really need some of that right now... Please let me know your views/thoughts on what to do/not to do...
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Anyone?
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Things seem to have really hotted up this week... He contacted me online again, the night after his last contact. He was sending me links and jokes, asking again what I'd been up to. Then the day of the interview he texted "good luck". The day after that, he texted asking if there was any news, so I updated him. He texted back "Cool! Ok if I call round tonight around 6?" . I was working overtime that night, so replied "Won't be in until after 7.30, working late", he then said "No matter"... so I said "Some other time, maybe". Then yesterday, he texted "Ok if I call round for bike later?" (his motorbike's still in the garage, no room for it at his folks' house). I texted "I will be in after 2pm". He called over around 2.30pm for the bike, but the battery was flat, so he couldn't really do anything (except charge the battery that is ). He stayed till around 7.30pm... we talked (not about us though, last thing I wanted to talk about), we ate, we watched tv for a while... and I was ok the whole time he was there. Yesterday was the first time I have seen him since April 20th! He called again today for the bike, went off for his guitar lesson, and stayed for about an hour when he came back. Does anyone think he may start to think he could be with me again, seeing as how I'm not clingy and weepy anymore? Am I sending out the right vibes to him, or will he think I'm over him completely and don't ever think about trying again with him? Should I ask him if he wants to go out sometime? Good as it was to see him, I am confused about all this... any ideas?
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Hi again . He contacted me online last night (first contact for 2 weeks). Asked how I was, what I'd been up to etc. I kept it friendly and light, no mention of anything about our situation etc. He asked after my parents, I asked after his (and the dog ). He said he'd been receiving his mail ok, and thanked me for sending it on. I mentioned about my job hunt, also said I'd been working out (I found the dumb-bells at last!). All in all, quite a nice conversation; it was nice to speak to him again after so long without any contact. The conversation was left sort of open ended ie I didn't ask when I'd hear from him again, or what was happening next, so will just continue the way I have been going and see what happens next. I still miss him like mad... On the subject of jobs... I have an interview tomorrow (for the job I mentioned in last post, the one with the big money ), so fingers crossed it will come up trumps. It's all helping me feel the self-worth that I have been lacking of late, so hopefully it will be a big confidence boost for me. Even if I don't get it, I have more in the pipeline, so will not get too disheartened. I hope everyone is bearing up with their current situations; remember we are all worth it, and we can get through this together! Well... must go and prepare for interview... I hope I've got what it takes .
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Hi everyone, hope you're all ok . I've been feeling alot better since Tuesday, hopefully that will continue! Well, on Thursday I applied (online) for 12, yes 12!! jobs. For several reasons... 1) I need to be bringing more money in now that I am running everything on my wage alone (apart from the little amount he transfers every month); I have found it very hard keeping afloat and need to do something about it 2) I like the idea of meeting new people who have no idea about what has happened to me, and how depressed and messed up I was - this means they will not constantly be asking 'are you ok?', 'have you heard from him?' etc etc (I know people are only showing their concern, but it doesn't really help that they keep reminding me about it ) 3) Hopefully I will make some new friends, and in turn get out and about a bit more, making even more of them! 4) More money = more chance of being able to start that new hobby/be able to afford to join a gym, one of my biggest goals! So far, I have had replies about 2 of them - I had a call on Friday morning, and the agency are going to forward my details on to the company, so fingers crossed for that... another (and this is even better news) sent me an email on Friday, asking me to call them on Monday... they said they didn't feel I was suitable for the position I had applied for however, they had another in a different office (that just happens to pay £3k a year more than the other position they have), and would I be interested in applying for that one? Would I? Think I'll be ringing first thing tomorrow on that one, yes? I will let you all know what happens... Something else I did the other night; sounds a bit odd and I don't know why I did it, but it seems to be helping me... I stuck post-it notes in various places around the house, reminding me stuff like 'HE left', 'you don't NEED him', 'you ARE worth it!', etc (I even have one stuck to my monitor right now!). Now when I go in a cupboard, empty the bin, turn the house alarm on, go to the medicine cabinet etc, I have these things reminding me of why I have to keep going and stay positive. I know it sounds a bit bizarre, but it seems to have cheered me up so thought I'd share incase it helped anyone else. Well, that's my ramble over for today... hope everyone's staying positive, and feeling good. We are all in this together, and I just want to say HUGE thanks to everyone for all your help so far! I would't be feeling like this right now without the people here; and I'm starting to feel a little stronger every day!