Infidelity, Passion, Destructive relationship???

My partner and I have been seeing each other for over three years now. Unfortunately, when we started seeing each other, we were both in mutually unhappy marriages and, for ethnical and religious reasons too long and complicated to get into here, separatation from our respective partners was not at that stage an option. When we started seeing each other, he and his wife had no children and I had a 6 year old girl. She adores him and he loves her like his own. At the early stages of our relationship, i believe that I was more committed than he was. I love him with all my heart and cannot imagine life without him. I am 39 years of age and have had the experience of a few relationships, including 19 years of marriage to my husband, but I only discovered with my partner what it means to love, and be loved. He fulfills me in every way possible, and for the first time I felt alive. I never understood any of this before him in my life. However, only three months into the relationship he told me that his wife was pregnant. This came as a numbing shock to me, particularly given he told me this is not what he had wanted, and particularly given that he told me he was NOT sleeping with this wife at that time. It was ironic that I too at that stage was pregnant but aborted the baby to save embarrassement and further complication to what I believed was the beginning of a long term beautiful relationship. I told him I didnt think I was going to be able to cope due to the jealousy I was trying to come to terms with, and I certaintly didnt believe I would ever be able to accept his baby as one would do in any healthy relationship. But he reassured me that it was me he wanted a future with and that nothing would change and that he would be there with me and for me during those moments of despair. Needless to say, following the birth of his baby, my emotional state of mind was not sound and I fell into deep depression. Anyway, to cut a VERY long story short, in the meantime, he has separated from his wife, who has moved abroad and taken the baby with her. This saddens him very much and it pains me to see him going through this. He loves his baby tremendously and is a brilliant father. He visits her at every given opportunity. I understand this, and yet "my" feelings about all this are terribly confused. There are good days and there are very very bad days. During moments of madness and desperation, I have been just awful to him about even the existence of his baby who, in my mind, was been the beginning of all our problems. Our relationship was not helped when his wife, after being told about our affair, decided to broadcast truths and untruths to our entire community, eventhough a divorce was something she declared to the very same community she had wanted for many years. All of this has caused terrible chaos in our relationship. We both want this to work and yet when we go through our irrational moments of jealousy, we both say and do things to each other that are tremendously hurtful that they are truly very difficult to get over, let alone forget. It feels as if we are constantly trying to pick up the pieces and get over the last episode of outbreak and very little time in developing this relationship. I can see in re-reading this how inconsistent all this sounds, but I cannot imagine life without him. These thoughts can bring about to me physical illness. He does not want this to end either. We have tried to stop seeing each other many many times and yet somehow the desperation for each other brings us back together again every time. I am at the end of my tether as I am permanently stressed out. I am angry and hurt - about him lying to me; about him putting me in a situation where I have "no choice" but to accept his baby; about feeling guilty that I cant get excited about his trips to see his baby; about the awful and hurtful things he has said to me during his moments of anger; involving friends and family into our relationship (iincluding my husband) all without my knowledge and approval... He cant understand how he is able to accept and love my daughter as his own and I thereforeeee why cant I do the same. He does not understand me when I tell him that my daughter and I came as a package when we started the relationship and had HAD the choice of whether he wanted this or not, but that choice was NOT given to me. I now have a list as long as the M25 with all the insecurities I suffer as a result of the cruel things he has said to me, eventhough he has reassured me that these were said in moments of madness and should be ignored. I dont know what to do anymore but I need help. I feel all of this has affected me as a good mum, and I have removed myself from nearly all of my friends (most of whom do not like him as a result of him involving them during our low moments).. Please help..Tell me what to do... I will do it... Please...I feel like I am on the edge of a breakdown...[/url]

Wow that was long and very complicated, may you need to get a divorce from your husband so you can sort out this realtionship.

Hi sorry to hear about your situation.........its funny how love can be so complicated at times.Have you suggested going to relationship counceling with your man?...there is some heavy duty problems what need to be sorted out here.You have been hurt in the past and there are alot of things that needs fixing.Sometimes we need that extra bit of help from others.