Would you consider this cheating??

My girlfriend broke up with me about three weeks ago. The day we broke up, things didnt feel as if we were apart. She stated she needed time alone, and couldnt deal with a long Distance relationship. The weekend before we brokeup , I told her that I may not be able to relocate up to her home town within the near future.

The one year anniversary of her sisters death will be August 28th. She said that she didnt want the stress of a long distance relationship, and she was having a difficult time dealing with her sisters death, therfore she couldnt be with me.

The following weekend she told me she met someone, and that she was hooking up with him for two weeks. I asked her how she could do that , she said she needed to get over me somehow. I asked her if she loved me, she said yes and that she couldnt live without me in her life.

During those two weeks she left me a voice mail saying that she was thinking of me and that she loved me and that she wanted to work things out. That was on Thursday. The very next day was when she had sex with the other guy. She said she doesnt considering it cheating because we werent together. But that doesnt make sense, because if she did love me , then how could she ever do this to me. All your thoughts are appreciatted. Thanks guys!

Ah technicalities. How many people have tried to get off on technicalities? Unfortunately in the court of love and relationships, things aren't black and white. You can't get off on technicalities. Is this cheating? Well it all depends on what you feel. You see cheating is a betrayal, just like any other betrayal. She hurt you, was it intentional? Probably not, she is trying to "get over you". However he actions and her words are different.

You are broken up, yes so this is not about ending a relationship this is about validating the relationship that you had and healing. You might be saying "If she loved me she would have grieved for a while before moving on". This is the proper way to show that you did care for the relationship and that you are taking the time you need to heal.

Of course she didn't do this, was it to spite you? No it was to fulfill her own needs. She is clearly selfish and only lives in the world of her own desires. She obviously didn't think twice about the consequence of her actions. She says she wants to work things out, but this action will make is very hard for you to trust her and want to be with her no?

My question to you is this. Do you want to be with someone who is clearly very selfish and disrespectful towards you?

Simply put this is not a cut and dry case of "cheating", but she did betray you and disrespect your relationship. Can you forgive her? Do you want to be with her? These are questions you will have to answer now. Remember this is how she will act in the future, she doesn't deal properly with grief and doesn't think about the other person.

I'm sorry for your pain, we will be here for you.

Swing and Crook Thanks for the words of wisdom you are right.

The problem I am having is that I want her to feel the pain that I am experiencing. Even though I love her, I want her to hurt , I want her to beg for forgiveness. Its not fair that we are the ones that are hurting, yet the hurters get to go off on their mary way.

Will they ever realize what they have done?

First of all, I commend you for being so brave in admitting your true feelings of wanting revenge but then you love her as well. Let me explain you another situation that may help yousee things from her point of view. I was with a man for a long time, and I never cheated, never even thought about it, then I caught him emailing some girl back and forth flirting and what not. I was crushed, and I dumped him. The whole week he was gone, I was hurt, so one day my Ex came in town and I hooked up with him. I didn't even love him, but I did it to be revengeful. Things went a little too far and then I wanted to stop. My boyfriend will never believe me when I tell him, that i kicked the guy out, but i realized how much i loved him, now that we are together again......But it also took him to know about this other man to realize what he almost lost in that others man's arms?? Think about that . Maybe she was feeling neglected? I want to hear your response on this..ok!

Karma my friend, karma. Do you believe in it? Well it doesn't really matter. The world still spins whether you believe it is flat or round. Karma is the universal and ultimate justice. All actions no matter how small or great, how wonderful or terrible will be rewarded and punished accordingly.

Please read this earlier post on Karma and getting even.

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You find some interest in it. Understand that every action you take and others take will be revisited upon you. Every good thing in your life you have earned. As well every bad thing that has happened to you is due to your own karma. Thus you are ultimately responsible for your own sadness. Do not forget that.

Rest assured however that even though you may have earned a negative action, the person who is fulfilling your karma is in turn creating there own negative karma. Nothing is without effect.

Think about this for a while, maybe pondering this will give you some needed reprieve from dwelling on your ex.

Thanks crookster, that definitely put a different spin on this.

The reason this is hurting as much as it is. Well because I treated her so well. We lived about 4 hours away from eachother, in all honesty I would drive up there, even if it meant sitting in traffic. We do some pretty special things together. For our recent anniversairy I surprised her by taking her wine tasting and horsepack riding. Another time I setup a weekend in the city, we went to a five start restaurant ( which I could barely afford lol) went to a broadway play and even stayed at the Grand Hyatt. THe list goes on and on. I made her so many personal things. I made her a little chest which reflected things that we did, I wrote her little poems and left them in her car or somewhere she could find them when I would leave on SUnday. I was affectionatte to her when we were together, I loved her more then anyone on this earth. One time, when I was sleeping right next to her, I awoke from a horrible nightmare, the nightmare was terrible. It was the death of my girlfriend. When I woke up from this, I started crying and couldnt let go of her. I wouldnt be as upset if I had done something terrible in the relationship. But honeslty I was an all around great guy. Whenever we were together we would talk about marriage, where we would hold the cermony, who we would invite. Its too difficult to type this, its absolutely ripping me apart inside. I find myself walking around like a zombie during the day, my job is suffering, so is my health. THis is so paionful and now I understand what people go through. THe thing that is so hard , is that I love her still. I still want to be with her, even after she put me through this. I wish I could stop loving her and just forget about her, but I cant. I want to pick up the phone and tell her I love her, but I know I cant, because she cant think that she can constantly do this to me. I just think it hasnt fully hit me yet that I will never be with her again.

You want her to hurt so that it validates the relationship, no? By her hurting she is showing you that she does care and that the relationship was real. Chances are she is hurting, however she is dealing with it differently (i.e. rebounding). I'm sure she is wondering how much you are hurting too. This is natural; don't let it worry you so much. In all honesty it's not important if she is hurting, all that matters is that you are hurting.

It sounds like you were a great boyfriend in a lot of ways… That being said, I have to tell you that you appear to be rather dependent on her. This is bad, no one what's someone extremely dependent on them. It can be very smothering and oppressive. I know that you don't think you are that bad, or that you are being oppressive, but for most people you could appear that way. (This is just an observation from your few posts. Take it for what you will)

You need to restructure your life. You need to be more independent. A partner should be just that a partner, someone who COMPLIMENTS you not completes you. Do you understand? I fear your dependency upon her drove her away and left you feeling very empty.

You need to focus on healing yourself, on doing things that will bolster your self-confidence and self worth. Try being more active, workout, run, start new activities that you enjoy (I started to golf, I love it now). Do things for you and only you. It is okay to be selfish once and a while. Put yourself first. These are just some things I am suggesting from your post. Tell me does any of this hit home?

In some ways you are correct. We were both dependent upon eachother. I gave up many things for her, and she gave up things for me. But then again we were in a relationship. I pretty much always wanted to be by her side. She thought the same way. After about a year or so, we couldnt be apart, that is one part of the relationship I loved. The way we always spent our weekends together.

Thanks for the insight crookster

I understand where you are coming from and think it must be hard as I am going through something simliar, but she seems to have been through a rough time, and with the long distance and her sisters death, thing will be hard and hence she is looking for as much attention as possible. But you should be the one she is spending time with.. can you not through caution to the wind and spend some time with her. fight fro her...or else you will have to move on.

I think it maybe too much hard work and painful for you. there is no real right or wrong... you know what is best.

I you looking for her needs. I know that before I split with my girlfriend I was asking her for some space... so I could grieve..and I wasnt 100% commited to her, but I loved her dearly... see it that way that she needs you but is confused and does need space... if you can show her you are willing to show her some understanding(not that you have been totally the opposite) she may realise what she needs...YOU... not some other short term relatonship with someone else.

Thanks Grant.

I guess I will just have to give her some space. Let her realize what she has lost. I will give her time to think, to relfect on our relationship, to see how much we loved eachother.

That is the hard part, it is so difficult for me to not call her, to not write her emails, and to not send her letters. How did you guys get through the difficult time of no contact?

I am still struggling big time..I just emailed a clousure esque email to my ex today... she played mind games with me called me.. emailed me.. gave me running comentry on her new guy etc... It tore me apart. the best advice I was given is that if it is ment to be then you guys will get back together... but give it time just now.. you both can begin to build yourselves up and learn. When you do meet or contact each other under different circumstances then you will be much more attractive to each other..not giving you false hope, but beginning to distance yourself is the best way..I dont believe in time limits do what you think is best and read the situation with a clear head (very hard to do I know)

Wow Grant I am sorry to hear about your situation, looks like you and I are in the same boat. I am having one hell of a week, just got into a damn accident, some guy ran a red light and just hit my brand new car.. lol.. things are looking up huh.

I called her today, I gave in. She was the first person I called after the accident happen. She was nice about it, was willing to talk. She says she is going to talk tonight. I will ask her what the deal is and what not. Well see. You are so right, if its meant to