Self Identification: How do you go about it?

About 2 months ago, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was fed up with the arguments that we always had -- mainly due to my jealousy. Well, in this time that we're apart, she's telling me that she wants to find herself and she wants me to find myself as well. We're both willing to come back to each other as friends with an open mind to growth together again, but we're aware of the fact that it may not happen. It's hard to grasp that concept that we may not be back together some day -- or that it may take a LOT of time. But my main problem is that without her, I feel really bored and empty and I need to find myself to fill this emptiness. I really want to figure out what it is that will improve myself so that I can feel good about myself and feel like I'm worth something to myself. I know all she sees now is me trying to grab her every minute of the day without truly thinking about things and this will NEVER lead to us getting back together -- but more importantly, it will never lead to either one of us independently feeling good about each other even as friends. Can anyone suggest what might help in the process of finding myself, where I can get ideas about what it is I might want to do with my life? I feel like I'm growing up, and growing up sucks because video games just aren't what they used to be, and I can only do so much walking around outside in the nice weather to be kind to myself. I'm on the virge of depression I fear and I all I want to do is find myself so I can learn what kind of person it is that I can love. I thought I loved my girlfriend so much, but the love is slowly fading because I can't place exactly what it was about her that I loved. I think that it was her down to earth attitude and the sincerity in her consolation and comfort with me, but do you think those are shallow things to love someone for? But most importantly is my need to identify what it is I want in this period of time. It's tough, but I need to go about doing it.

I think you have hit the nail on the head there! If you ever find out exactly what you are doing, let me know, I'd like to do that too.

The truth is that each relationship creates its own identity. We are drawn to people who are like us, but not too much like us or there will be no room for growth.

Think about what you were missing before you met this girl and how she has added to your sense of self.

How can that be wrong? It isn't when you both wanted it equally. The problem is that when you both don't want the relationship to continue, there is a very big balancing act to perform, and people often end relationships prematurely. The other problem is when one wants it to continue and the other doesn't.

Here I think that both of you are searching for something, and I don't know what will make you happy exactly, you will find that soon. I would say that you could read a book called Excess Baggage, by Juduth Silles.

This is an excellent book to explain how people are attracted to opposites.

I would look into professions like psychology and teaching, where you get to know others deeply and profoundly.

I too am in a position where I must find myself. My girl left me (I wrote about it in the post "another break-up post by a new member"). It's going to be hard to create a new identity, that's for sure.

The way I'm going about it is, I'm trying to think of things I wanted to do, but never could because of the relationship, for example -my girl never wanted me to get involved with no-holds-barred type fighting events because she didn't want to see me get hurt, now I could do it if I choose -or- I'm of Japanese ethnicity and I could never leave my love for a long time to visit and explore my roots, now I have that choice -or- although I'm nowhere near ready to take this step, I was never able to be with any other attractive women besides my girl, now that option is also open, etc., etc. I'm trying to create a list in my mind, and also on paper, of all the things that I COULD do whether I choose to do them right now, later, or not at all.

I think you should ask yourself what you're interested in, art? music? extreme sports? etc. and then explore those worlds. Take classes, read books, visit events that do with what you like. If you don't like anything, get into things randomly and ditch'em when you find they aren't for you. I think most people have certain things that are suited to them though. Some people are active, some are mellow, some this, some that, and each type has a list of things that go with that type of individual.

Along with this task, I think it's a good idea to exercise or workout. Get good circulation of your blood, breathe, and eat well. You know, take care of yourself. You will feel better about yourself as you see improvements in your body and mental performance. This I know to be true from experience. I could feel like crap one minute, then get a good sweat along with getting my mind off of something bad by having to focus on the workout, and for some reason I will feel better. Now, I'm hurting from an ended relationship of 7 years, and I'm not saying one or two workouts are going to make all of my pain go away, but it does honestly help a tiny bit. Right now, I'll take anything I can get in terms of dealing with the pain. It's going to take a combination of things to make me or anyone else feel better, fill time, create or change a former identity, and become who we really want to be -(your name), not -(your name) bf or gf of (his/her name).

I know it's easy to say and hard to accept, believe me, I'm going through it right now and I have a long way to go. But the truth is the truth -take new classes, read new books, travel to places never been before, talk to different people, get ideas from them like you are here, take in the world like a sponge.

Again, hard to do, but we have no choice and the ones before us say it will get much better. Good hunting....

It is great to read what you did to feel better, it sounds like you are on the right track!

Keep it real!