jesus, why do i have to deal with all this stuff??

I used to be one hell of an excessively happy teen. Now my life has changed so drastically...

I cant really spill to any of my friends, cause theyre all involved in my problems somehow...

So i will spill anonymously online! what better a solution could there be?

It started last month, my dad's mom died. My dad's family is so messed up... he has sorta a feud going on with his father, and he couldnt even go to his own mothers funeral. I went, but my mom (who is divorced from my dad) had to take me. It all upset me very much... I wrote an email to my close guy friend. That made me feel a little better.

Meantime, im falling in love with my close guy friend's best friend (um, ill give them names: D is my close guy friend, and E is his best friend) I ask D whether E is crushing on anyone, and it turns out he has a girlfriend (ugh) I am heartbroken.

I start to become closer and closer friends with D, and were trusting each other with more and more personal things. He tells me about his terrible father, i tell him the details of my parents divorce. Suddenly, i find myself in love with D. I tell him so, he has two objections:

1) hes not ready for a gf

2) his friend Alex still likes me (i went out with Alex for a week in the summer, and immediately dumped that jerk!)

I talk to D the next day, he confides that he just wanted to be friends all along (double ugh)

About a week later, my dad goes into emergency surgery. His bile duct is clogged, its serious. He has a tumor, but theyre not sure if its cancerous or not. He has to go in for major surgery to remove the tumor soon.

I had only one mental wall... one thing i would refuse to acknowledge... that my father was mortal. He was always my superman, invincible, immortal. This mental wall came tumbling immediately down, and it hurt me terribly. I wouldnt even let him talk about turning 50... i would start to cry and tell him to be quiet. I just couldnt deal with the fact that he was human, and he was sick, possibly terribly sick.

Again i turn to D, who has become a big part of my life lately... i cant even communicate how good of a friend he's been to me

There is another sticky situation, however. D tells me that he likes my friend (her name can be C) I have started to fall for E again at this point. D finds out that E also likes C. Neither D nor E can go out with C because they both like her and they are best friends. And neither of them like me... ... C tells me that she likes E, and i am heartbroken, but i tell C that i dont like E anymore, anyway. So, we are stuck in one freaky love-rectangle, and me and D are left lonely.

Tonight i was talking to D, and all of this stuff hit me: I am in a state of mental meltdown-mode, and i am so lonely i could die. I sorta had a mini nervous-breakdown on him, but it was ok, cause he was there. Im finding it hard not to fall in love with him.

Meantime, D wants to die too, cause he knows E and C like each other. He's as lonely and sad as i am...

But we have no chances, he is so stuck on C...

This whole thing about my dad is sorta driving me slowly insane, as well... I cant deal with it still... and its turning me from the happy-random-silly girl i used to be, to this sad and lonely girl that i call myself today.

HELP!!

I can empathize with you on many points. I had miserable family issues beginning when I was around fourteen, so you're not alone.

The double/triple whammy of having to suddenly to deal with issues of life and death and personal relationships all at the same time can be excruciating. These together are a big problem. The key here is to try to break this down in to more managable pieces.

This entire you-C-D-E issue is a can of worms that can do nothing but hurt you. I understand that 'D' offers you support, but the emotional ties that go beyond 'just friends' inflict as much pain, if not more, as talking as friends helps. Do you have any 'impartial' friends that will listen? It's really what you need right now. What about your mom? Surely she can help you. Talk to her. I'm sure she'll listen.

You more than anything else need to try and focus on your dad. Facing our parents mortality is a brutal issue. As much as anything, it would probably behoove you to learn as much about what is going on with him, and try to help him by being as positive as possible. Become a champion for his cause. As much as anything, it's the feeling of the unknown, being scared, and of being vulnerable right now that causes this to hurt so much. Knowing what he and by extension you are facing, will help make this whole thing a little less scary.

It's okay to worry, and okay to be scared, just don't give up.

I just read this and laughed my butt off. You have a charming girly way of expressing yourself on here that I am willing to bet comes out in real life too. Now what you need to is use it to the best effect. PLAY HARD TO GET. Try not to express your feelings to these guys. Be charming, but be the one to end conversations and not spend much time talking to these guys. definitely don't come off is desperate even if you don't think you are, your feelings will often show themselves. Watch yourself, try not to sweat ANYTHING (at least not where they can percieve it) pay attention to the signals you give off and try to keep them in check. I don't know how well this works for girls but I think it just might as long as you are decent looking and aren't ugly.