Hurt, Confused, Healing

Hello. My story is very long, but I'll really appreciate anyone who is willing to read it and share their thoughts... Thank you in advance.

My ex (25F) and I (23F) broke up a little over 4 months ago, at the very end of July. We were together for 3 years LDR and both each others first relationship, as we had never been too interested in dating before meeting each other. Things had gotten a bit difficult during the last month of our relationship, as I had gotten out of a job that I was miserable working in at the end of June. As a result of that, I went through a horrible depression and was clingy with her. We had many arguments in July regarding the future of our relationship, and where we were headed in it. I wanted to move in together, she wouldn't want to, then would, then wouldn't. She mentioned that she couldn't see a future for us, but then would say she wanted to spend her life with me. She also said at one point, that part of the reason why she couldn't see a future for us was because she couldn't even see a future for herself, and that she'd often think about driving her and her car into a wall.

In mid-July, she attended her aunt's wedding as a bridesmaid. She had not spoken to her aunt in years before the wedding, as the aunt held a grudge against her for moving away. My ex would often tell me about how the aunt would pretend she didn't exist. A week after the wedding, we were talking and she told me that I was her soulmate, and that she loved me more every day. Shortly after, her aunt reached out to her to chat and play video games online. When they were playing one night, I had gotten upset because we made plans to watch a show together after, and I ended up waiting two hours longer than the time she mentioned she'd be done. We got over it, apologized, and watched the show. The next night, she was playing with her aunt again. We had plans to play after she was done. When we played together that night, she got frustrated at me for small reasons such as my game character being too far from hers and letting her die in the game... A few nights after that, we broke up.

She took two days to think about it. In the end, her mind was already made up. She stated that she wanted to be single, to she wanted to focus on herself, "I love you but I'm not in love with you", that she still had feelings but it wasn't the same, the "spark" was gone, that she couldn't see a future. She mentioned that she didn't want to feel obligated to text me or talk to me all the time. She felt she lost connections with her friends because she focused too much on us, and that she wanted to go out more with coworkers... to which I told her I always encouraged her to talk to her friends more or to plan hang-outs with her coworkers. Her responses were always along the lines of, "I don't want to do that", "I don't care to talk to friends, they never last anyway", "We haven't talked in a while, it'd be weird." If she was out with her coworkers, I'd ask her if she was having fun, and she'd say, "Yeah but I want to go home now." She mentioned wanting to reconnect with her club/hobby group and to make new friends. She said that at her aunt's wedding, she saw her family with their S/Os and thought to herself, "I've been in a 3 year relationship with a girl, how much longer can I keep lying to them? They probably think I'm some 25 y/o loser who's never been in a relationship." She continued on how important it was to have her family's approval, how she couldn't bring herself to tell them about me cause they're homophobic, and wasn't willing to take the heat cause she couldn't see a future for us. She said that she still couldn't see anyone else being right for her, even though we were breaking up.

Needless to say, I was crushed. We agreed it'd be too difficult for us to just completely cut each other out of our lives, but to slowly talk less each day. We also agreed that we were both willing to try again in the future if something were to happen between us. I asked her if there was anyone else, she said no, she just really wanted to be on her own to work on herself. She said it'd be difficult for her to move on, and that she wouldn't be ready to date again for a while, that she wouldn't want to and couldn't.

A week after the break up, I told my ex that I had a feeling that her aunt was trying to set her up with a friend of hers. My ex said she's only trying to make amends between them after the wedding. Her aunt has a very... peculiar hobby that involves dressing up and role-playing as animals, so I asked her if she would ever be interested if those were her aunt's intentions, as all of her friends share that hobby. My ex said no, since she's turned off by that hobby and would rather meet someone who shares the same interests if she were to move on. Curiously, I asked if she'd be interested in any of her aunt's friends if they had that hobby, but also had shared interests. She shut down what I said and insisted that she wanted to focus on herself. She recognized she had issues in our relationship that she needed to work on, and even thought about seeking therapy.

Well, a week after that, I started having dreams about her talking to a mystery guy. I messaged her asking if she was talking to anyone. Sure enough, she said yes, that she met him the week before, and that he's a friend of her aunts (same week she shut down what I was suggesting about her aunt.) She said she was slightly interested in him and they'd been flirting while gaming with her aunt and uncle-in-law. She realized that her aunt was trying to set her up with someone when she started making suggestive comments about them in game. Her aunt also told another aunt, and that aunt told her. I asked about him and brought up that peculiar hobby. My ex said that he didn't seem "obsessively into it", and that as long as he respected she didn't want to be involved in it, it'd be okay. She said that she was more willing to talk to the guy because he's a friend of her aunts, and that her aunt wouldn't try to set her up with a bad guy. Over the next two weeks that we continued to speak (albeit less frequently), I would ask about him. She continued to insist that she didn't want a relationship, but that she was willing to get into something casual. I told her I was shocked to hear she was willing to try something casual, considering she doesn't trust men at all and just met the guy two weeks ago, and never had that mindset on dating before. She stated that she wanted to change a lot about herself, and that she shouldn't be how she is. She was also telling me how conflicted, lonely and lost she still was over the breakup, that she wasn't eating and had lost 15 lbs in less than a month because of it, that she didn't know what to do with herself? But she was flirting with the new guy and considering casually dating him. Yet all she could say about him was that he seemed "pretty decent" and "actually wants to get to know me and not just f**k". The guy asked her about her previous relationships, and I told her it'd be unfair if she didn't mention to him that we had just broken up. She agreed and said she'd tell him when she "gets the chance". She mentioned at the end of August, she was opening up more to coworkers and speaking to her friends more as well.

Soon after, a mutual friend of ours messaged me and we got to talking. I mentioned the break up to her, as the friend is also my ex's club/hobby group leader, and her response was, "I'm so sorry... I didn't even know you guys dated but you two seemed really close." I was shocked and hurt, as my ex always considered her a good friend. But a part of me also found it believable, as my ex never really opened up to anyone else but me. I suppose at that point I didn't realize until then, to what extent. I brought up to our mutual friend on how my ex mentioned that she's been spending more time with them and that made me happy for her, to which the friend said, "I'm glad she thinks that, but she barely talks to us. We try to reach out to her but she just says one thing and disappears." I was confused, so in early September, I brought it up to her. She mentioned that because she doesn't talk much in general, she was taking baby steps in talking to people again. But with the new guy, she was talking to him a lot more. At that point, curiosity got me, and I had looked up his Facebook to find out what kind of person he was. He had political views that went against hers, and was vocal about how he negatively viewed our "side", he wanted marriage + kids (which she never did) he seemed very sex-crazed and focused on it (which isn't a bad thing, just that we both had low sex drives and it wasn't big for us), and had a site dedicated to following dozens of porn blogs of his animal dress-up hobby. I told her that I honestly thought she could do better, physically and mentally. Her response was, "Well, I don't care much about the physical aspect... and mentally, the porn is definitely weird, but it matters more how he talks to me. And so far he hasn't given me any creeper vibes."

I told her it was getting too difficult to try and be her friend. We agreed to give each other space, until the end of September when I told myself I needed to delete her off of social media. I wanted to end things on a positive note, so I started off and told her that she seemed happier, but that I hope she understood I needed to think about my own happiness as well. She responded by saying she understood, but wanted to be friends. I told her that we couldn't. She repeated herself again, to which I repeated myself again. She said the same thing repeatedly until I got frustrated and told her that I could not be her friend with the new guy in the picture, that she turned her back on herself and her own values just to talk to him. She said that's how she was taught growing up, and that she does look past anything as long as her own views are respected. It made me sick, but I kept calm and just told her that I hope he treats her well and makes her happy. She then revealed that they were at that point a "thing", but that it was too early to tell if it was serious. Only a little after a month after we broke up! I asked her if she ever told him when we broke up, and she said, "I did tell him it was more recent but I'm still cautious and haven't opened up to him about stuff yet." I flipped out. I thought at that point, she'd had two chances to tell him and didn't. I called her a liar. She couldn't be honest with me, him, or anyone. She asked how she was lying, and I told her that's what her problem was, that she couldn't even recognize when she's not being completely honest. In the end, I told her I wanted nothing to do with her anymore, and all she said was, "Well if we're not going to be friends then I'm done talking."

One month later, I heard she was Facebook official with the guy! She never once wanted to be "Facebook official" with me, and if I ever asked, she would tell me she's a private person and didn't feel comfortable sharing her relationship publicly on FB that way.

After that, I just continued on working on myself and improving my life, this time completely focused on it. Over the past few months, I reconnected with so many friends, made new and amazing friendships, started a new job that I really enjoy, and am spending lots of time with the people I love and care about. I can honestly say that I've gotten over the break up, I learned what I did wrong, what my mistakes were, what to improve from it, but I just can't shake everything that happened with it. Weeks after they became "FB official", our mutual friend (the club leader) felt she had to message me to inform me that she was kicking my ex out of the group. I was surprised, thinking that maybe my ex really was taking baby steps to try to talk to everyone again. Turns out it wasn't true, and she just stopped talking and participating with them over those weeks. Her response to our friend telling her that she was getting removed was, "Ok I understand", and it just angers me that my ex can just so easily hurt these people that care about her. All to just be with a guy she met 3 months before that. I was feeling so much better about myself, even thought about getting into dating to get out and have some fun, and even having a romantic interest in people again. Then this past weekend I started to have dreams about them together... and now I just feel sad and angry again (though thankfully, not intensely as I felt before).

Still, I can't wrap my head around everything that happened, and how she so easily threw herself away. I've learned I won't ever be able to. It hurts. I still want the best for her, but I know I need to just leave it alone. My friends have told me it isn't about me, but her insecurities regarding her sexuality and herself in general. That she's changing herself to become more acceptable in the eyes of the people she surrounds herself with, instead of coming to terms with herself. Sometimes, though, I just feel like it was me, and that I wasn't important at all. Or that I was just some fling, and the guy she's with now is the real deal since she's so public with him. That I was a secret because she was so ashamed of being with me, because I'm a female.

Getting over everything that happened after the break up has been a lot tougher than getting over the actual break up... I did and do want to start trying to meet new people romantically, now I don't know again if I'm ready?