Gently declining a co worker?

Hi, I have been at my company for over 5 years. I just got promoted and I love my position a lot! A new person was hired recently and she wants to be friends and I have had some trouble with co workers in the past so I feel most comfortable distancing myself and just focusing on my work. She stated she wants to eat lunch together and she has been pressuring me for awhile and I have the hardest time saying no :( I keep putting it off. I would rather not do this because I don't want it to turn into anything at all. Am I making any sense? lol I just prefer to keep my work life only doing work. No lunching or friendships or anything. She just keeps saying we need to go to lunch and we have so much in common we are going to be such good friends and I just laugh nervously because I feel so bad. I'm not a very social person you can probably tell and since my promotion I have been buried in work. I just don't know how to handle this. I feel so dumb.

I'm dealing with something similar. A coworker keeps telling me "We have to go to Europe together! We have to go to France together! We have to go to the Caribbean together! Let me know if you're going to be in my area, we can meet up! Let me know the next time you go visit your kids, I'll drive out and meet you there!"

He's getting very pushy and insistent. I plan to tell him, "Thanks for asking, but no". If he demands an explanation, I'll tell him that I prefer to keep work and personal life separate. If he still keeps asking, I'll let him know that his insistence is making me uncomfortable.

I would tell her what you told us...you prefer to keep interactions with coworkers professional rather than personal.

I personally find it strange when coworkers don’t want to be friends. When I was new at my company, I leaned on my colleagues a lot to be friends - and I don’t regret it at all.

She’s new. Possibly even to the city. She sees something in you that clicked with her and she’s trying to build friendships.

I recommend you go to lunch and explain your stance. But don’t blow her off.

I personally find it strange when coworkers don’t want to be friends. When I was new at my company, I leaned on my colleagues a lot to be friends - and I don’t regret it at all.

 

She’s new. Possibly even to the city. She sees something in you that clicked with her and she’s trying to build friendships.

 

I recommend you go to lunch and explain your stance. But don’t blow her off.

I used to be friends with everyone in my office. Once I was on the verge of being promoted they all lied on me to my manager and I got written up. I told HR that I would like to keep all interaction professional going forward. I felt it was racial but I just left it alone. I am happy now and I don't think I will ever go back to being friends with co workers again BUT I don't want to upset her at all. Its not her fault.

See, I'm the opposite. I like to choose my friends, not feel like I have to be friends with someone just because we happen to be employed by the same company.

So, again, I'd just politely explain what you've written here...that you're more comfortable keeping work separate from your personal life.

See, I'm the opposite. I like to choose my friends, not feel like I have to be friends with someone just because we happen to be employed by the same company.

 

So, again, I'd just politely explain what you've written here...that you're more comfortable keeping work separate from your personal life.

I never said they have to be my friends. I just was proactive with trying to hang out with them and friendships grew from there. I also never said OP has to be forced to being friends. But it’s rude for him to blow her off, so at least going to lunch (a thing professionals do) is a good solution.

I feel like the conversation will turn too personal and/or gossipy and I'm not into that. It was not good for me last year when all of my other co workers lied on me. I have a real hard time telling her no. smh

Are you in a position where she is subordinate to you?

hmmmm I would say more lateral? We are in totally different "departments" so I don't think so.

I feel like the conversation will turn too personal and/or gossipy and I'm not into that. It was not good for me last year when all of my other co workers lied on me. I have a real hard time telling her no. smh

I went back to work over a year ago. In total I've worked in office settings nearly 20 years. I've made three-four "friends" at work -work friends. None of them is gossipy and I am very careful not to get too personal. We talk about work but not in a gossipy way, about places we plan to go on vacation or travel in general, about our neighborhoods, etc -it's nice to get out to lunch every few months and eat together, enjoy a good convo. When I started looking to go back to work I was very, very glad I'd made work friends over the years and stayed in touch -they were a major resource of networking, referrals, interviews, job leads. By contrast I have a friend who worked from home for many years and didn't network much or stay in touch and when she had to look for a job she started calling old friends etc and it was very challenging to get those connections revived (and not typically successful).

I don't mean to "use" people- I'm simply providing another reason work friends are important. I've certainly crossed the line or been in that uncomfortable situation where lines were crossed in offices but there are ways to avoid that and still get the benefit of work friendships.

Also I originally met my husband at work and he met one of his best friends at work. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater IMHO.