Building trust - coping strategies help please

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years. When we were first together he was quite secretive. It's getting better but I still have concerns he's up to something talking to other women behind my back. When I think about it I know I'm being silly but once my mind starts thinking that way it's hard to pull myself back. Does anyone have any coping strategies that might help? Thanks

What do you mean by "secretive"? Introverted? Shy? Good boundaries? A private person? Why do you suspect he's chatting up other women?

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years. When we were first together he was quite secretive.

Nobody wants to be the one who is with a cheater and doesn't realize what's happening. At the same time, nobody wants to be suspicious and skeptical for no reason. In fact, this behavior can create a problem when there wasn't one before.

Trust is the solution, and it can take time and effort to build and maintain trust. The recipe for increasing trust may include personal development work (therapy, self-help, confidence-building experiences). This can help you learn to discern between intuition and paranoia. Positive interactions with your significant other are also important, as well as ensuring healthy attachment. A co-dependent person believes that a happy life is only possible if their significant other is a part of it and if things are going well in the relationship. The smallest negative interaction can trigger fears, jealousy, and feelings of doom or inadequacy. A person who is attached to their partner in an emotionally healthy way appreciates what the other person brings to their life, but recognizes that it would be possible to heal and move on even if everything in the relationship went wrong.

What do you mean by "secretive"? Introverted? Shy? Good boundaries? A private person? Why do you suspect he's chatting up other women?

I suppose just not open with me and the feeling he's hiding things. E.g. He arranged to meet up with an ex gf for coffee. He didn't meet her in the end but didn't tell me about it. Also arranged to meet up with another woman for a coffee at her house on his own, again it didn't happen but he didn't tell me. These are the things that make me think he's talking to other women behind my back.

If he didn't tell you it sounds like your suspicions are leading you to go through his phone and find these plans? Why not work on the overall quality of your relationship? For example are you exclusive, how is communication overall? How the relationship otherwise?

He arranged to meet up with an ex gf for coffee. He didn't meet her in the end but didn't tell me about it. Also arranged to meet up with another woman for a coffee at her house on his own, again it didn't happen but he didn't tell me.

I suppose just not open with me and the feeling he's hiding things. E.g. He arranged to meet up with an ex gf for coffee. He didn't meet her in the end but didn't tell me about it. Also arranged to meet up with another woman for a coffee at her house on his own, again it didn't happen but he didn't tell me. These are the things that make me think he's talking to other women behind my back.

Well.....if he is arranging these things....even if he doesn't go through with them (how do you know any of this anyway?)...he IS talking to other women behind your back. You aren't just thinking it, you have presumably found the chats and plans, yes? So it's real and not imagined problem.

So the question is, how is the overall health of your relationship? Are things good between you and he is doing this or things are honestly just circling the drain and high time you pulled the plug on it.

You really can't trust someone who is cheating and otherwise behaving inappropriately within a relationship. You aren't supposed to trust them. The real question is do you want to continue in this kind of a toxic dysfunctional relationship or would it be healthier for you and your sanity to walk away.

Thank you that's helpful. I think a lot of these things are in my head because my ex husband who I was with for 17 years was not honest with me.

Things I think are good between us, but it's these initial instances that are causing issues in my head. He's a very calming influence and when I bring stuff up he does change the behaviours. I suppose I'm just constantly worried that bearing in mind he's done it in the past how do I know he's still not doing it?!

Well.....if he is arranging these things....even if he doesn't go through with them (how do you know any of this anyway?)...he IS talking to other women behind your back. You aren't just thinking it, you have presumably found the chats and plans, yes? So it's real and not imagined problem.

 

So the question is, how is the overall health of your relationship? Are things good between you and he is doing this or things are honestly just circling the drain and high time you pulled the plug on it.

 

You really can't trust someone who is cheating and otherwise behaving inappropriately within a relationship. You aren't supposed to trust them. The real question is do you want to continue in this kind of a toxic dysfunctional relationship or would it be healthier for you and your sanity to walk away.

The relationship is good otherwise. Just keep thinking that he's hidden things in the past so I'm obsessed that he's still hiding things now.

If he didn't tell you it sounds like your suspicions are leading you to go through his phone and find these plans? Why not work on the overall quality of your relationship? For example are you exclusive, how is communication overall? How the relationship otherwise?

Thank you that's helpful. I think a lot of these things are in my head because my ex husband who I was with for 17 years was not honest with me.

Nobody wants to be the one who is with a cheater and doesn't realize what's happening. At the same time, nobody wants to be suspicious and skeptical for no reason. In fact, this behavior can create a problem when there wasn't one before.

 

Trust is the solution, and it can take time and effort to build and maintain trust. The recipe for increasing trust may include personal development work (therapy, self-help, confidence-building experiences). This can help you learn to discern between intuition and paranoia. Positive interactions with your significant other are also important, as well as ensuring healthy attachment. A co-dependent person believes that a happy life is only possible if their significant other is a part of it and if things are going well in the relationship. The smallest negative interaction can trigger fears, jealousy, and feelings of doom or inadequacy. A person who is attached to their partner in an emotionally healthy way appreciates what the other person brings to their life, but recognizes that it would be possible to heal and move on even if everything in the relationship went wrong.

Just out of interest, had he been single for a while before you got together?

Address his "secrecy" separately from your past issues. What does he say about his exwife? Do they have kids? Are they friendly? Is this other coffee meet you found on his phone a coworker, classmate, real estate broker, his accountant?

Snooping through phones creates a lack of communication because admitting to it inhibits the open dialogue.

Allowing your past to recreate your future defeats the purpose of moving on, no?

Things I think are good between us, but it's these initial instances that are causing issues in my head. He's a very calming influence and when I bring stuff up he does change the behaviours. I suppose I'm just constantly worried that bearing in mind he's done it in the past how do I know he's still not doing it?!

I think he had for a little bit. I think his previous proper relationship had ended about a year prior

Just out of interest, had he been single for a while before you got together?

I think he had for a little bit. I think his previous proper relationship had ended about a year prior

It's just that when you've been on your own for a while, and are used to just doing your own thing without discussing it with anyone else, it can take a while before you think to share it. It isn't necessarily being deliberately secretive.

He may well be talking to other women behind your back, but this doesn't mean that he's doing anything other than having a chat over a coffee. We've moved now, but where we lived before my partner would often meet up with female friends; frankly I found most of them so boring that I was quite relieved he didn't talk about it!

This kind of suspicion can really eat you up if you let it; nobody on here can tell you if his intentions are OK or not. But either accept that everything's innocent, or leave - for your own sanity.

He doesn't have kids and now doesn't speak to his ex wife. The coffee meet one was an ex gf (between breaking up with his ex wife and meeting me). The other one was a friend who he had an emotional affair with in the run up to him getting married.

I see where you are coming from about the phone. It's like I feel like there is something and I'm looking for it.

I know I need to deal with my past as that I know is causing the issue, but I'm not sure how to deal with it.

Address his "secrecy" separately from your past issues. What does he say about his exwife? Do they have kids? Are they friendly? Is this other coffee meet you found on his phone a coworker, classmate, real estate broker, his accountant?

 

Snooping through phones creates a lack of communication because admitting to it inhibits the open dialogue.

 

Allowing your past to recreate your future defeats the purpose of moving on, no?