7 Years: Tired of going at this alone, but terrified of loneliness?

About a year ago I looked in the mirror and realized I had become nothing. I hadn't finished school. I had no confidence. I was a doormat. I was a hopeless romantic- too sensitive. A coward. I decided to go through basic training to push my limits and find myself. I finally grew a back bone. It was hard and scary. My husband seemed indifferent thru-ought the process. He thought it was a joke. He's active duty and I was becoming part of another branches reserve component. I lacked support. He went on deployment shortly after I left for training. He hardly wrote me at all. However, his deployment was non combatant. I know with 100% certainty he had downtime. He just doesn't feel motivated to do anything (it's an ongoing theme). I was angry at first for a long time but then I was just sad. I cried. My battle buddies saw what was going on from the outside looking in as I sat through multiple mail calls with no letters for me.. and upon returning to the bay broke down sobbing. I wrote my husband every day, sometimes multiple times a day, when he went through training after training. I had always assumed he would return the favor but hurtful more is the fact I actually talked to him about the support I needed before I left.

I came home. He came home shortly after. It was blissful of course because one I'm a hopeless romantic, and two because for some unknown reason I think I thought buying a house with him would help us feel more like a couple. Financially speaking in our area it's cheaper to buy than rent so that was a motivator too; as well as, distance does make the heart grow fonder ...we're just terrible at being together. I became very ill once he returned home. I went to the ER multiple times before they knew what was wrong. Each time we went he picked on me. Saying I was just looking for attention and doubting that there was anything actually wrong with me. Then I was hospitalized for major surgery. He was there by my side through it all during that stressful time but once death wasn't knocking on my door he returned back to his old ways. Although a little thing: His ball was a week after I was discharged and I was excited to go. I had a dress and everything. He used me being in the hospital as an excuse to his command why he didn't have his uniform ready for the ball and couldn't go although he had ample opportunity to get it together.

Enough with specifics for now because going in to great detail will take all day. Let me get to the big stuff:

He makes condescending remarks at my expense all of the time. If I have friends around he finds things to pick on them about either behind their backs while they're around or to their face. I've lost so many friends because of the way he treats people. I realized recently when he made the remark, "you don't have any friends" that I had stopped bringing anyone around. I keep all of my friends at a distance.. Partly because of how he acts but also because I can't fathom having anyone over to our filthy home. We recently had one of his friends move in with us temporarily and my husband will pick up- if his friend asks or makes a comment about something being a mess or broken... or he will fix it himself.

Husband doesn't clean up after himself -ever- I am full time at multiple jobs and in school. I don't have time to "Play House Wife". Yet- every time I try to talk to him about sharing responsibilities he makes remarks like "you're the wife... It's your job!" Makes my blood boil. I do try to clean as much as I can but it is physically impossible to keep up because he tears things apart so fast. Our yard and the inside of our home is constantly cluttered with trash and dirty clothes all over the place... empty spit cups, soda cans, tools, hunting supplies and trash. I can have my car immaculate and he won't respect it. He'll borrow it to go to town for an errand and it comes back TRASHED. I hate living in filth but with my schedule being 4am to 7Pm with overnight training I. Just. Can't.

He said we would go to counseling but that was months ago. It's free for him to set it up through a resource at work. However he still hasn't done it. I've been trying to get him to do counseling for three years. I've set up get away vacations for marriage retreats (one he actually went to and seemed to enjoy BUT STILL made hurtful comments the whole time).. even marriage support groups through church with friends (which I attended alone weekly for 6 months). I'm tired of pushing for change and to make things better and he just doesn't care except for one genuine response I got a few weeks ago when I lost my temper and snapped screaming "I hate our marriage".

Let me explain that one... Family was invited to come to the end of our training day to take part in a family dinner of sorts. My command actually said he could come early to meet everyone so it wouldn't interfere with his active duty work hours. He agreed to go but the next morning wouldn't get out of bed. He started making comments about how it was all just a joke and not important. I left the house and a few hours later called him to tell him I realized I forgot my medication so no matter what I needed him to run it up to me even if he didn't want to stay or come to the dinner. I had exams the next day in almost the opposite direction and if I doubled back I would lose four hours of my review time and was already getting to the college late (staying with my parents nearby for the night instead of commuting). He exploded. Then he went on to say "No. You think you're such a f*ing HARD ASS-" *click* I just hung up. I couldn't take it. I was about to have a crying mental breakdown in my armory parking lot. He has resentment of me getting a combat arms position when he is stuck behind a desk (It's an ongoing complaint of his). So I then called the roommate who said of course and headed that way. He knows how my husband can be... I think that's half the reason he backs me up by making suggestions to my husband to do things he's already heard me ask him to do. My husband later yelled about his friend bringing up my meds. I wasn't shocked to say the least.

He's had similar breakdowns when I try to go to church. He doesn't want to go and gets hateful towards me if I go without him with friends. Then he mocks the friends. Then he mocks religion. He gets a laugh at my expense, and a knock down on my confidence and faith. I actually went full time over the last year when I was gone for training. I always imagined raising my future kids in a church environment. I had a rough childhood and faith was the only thing that got me through. I know it's not for everyone but my husband and I were married in a church. Heck, we even broke up once when I first left for college and got back together building a relationship on putting God first. Even attending services together. Once we got married he just stopped. I tried pushing him to go but received so much backlash I would end up in tears going alone, or sick to my stomach ill. It's hard to stand in church alone. It's hard to go through life alone.

I've realized recently that I've just given up hope. As of this week I realized I don't even want to have sex with him. I think it's because I'm just not attracted to him at all... He makes excuses not to go to the gym, or clean, or be nice... His attitude all around is unbearable. When we first met he was a motivated, sweet, hard working, and godly man. He kept that attitude for years. It's like once we got married everything started going down hill. Now he expects everyone to do everything for him except wipe his own butt.

I'm desperate. I just want peace. I feel unfulfilled. His ways are kicking my motivation in the face. He goes on and on about a ridiculously elaborate fishing boat he wants but all he talks about is getting out of the military and "staying home all day as a house husband like you do". I get no recognition but he likes to rub in my face how he plans to spend my money once I finish my degree. All of the selfish fantasies and the treatment are really getting to me. I always said I could not understand why someone would cheat but I'm beginning to see and it kills me inside... because people like me are too helpless. Too much of a coward to end it. Knowing in my heart it's over. I always swore I would never be divorced like my parents but I cannot shake the feeling that there is someone better out there in this world for me. I got the numbers for a couple counselors I can start seeing alone about this but I doubt he will go.

I found myself joining the service. I realized there was more to life than being a doormat to a husband like this. I realized I was capable. I realized I deserve better and could make a better life on my own if I had to... I just don't have the courage or the direction to know what to do from here. I am an analyzer and can't help thinking of the domino affect of what will happen to our pets, our home, our car, our life? What if I miss this? What about my husband? I might not have a desire to be with him anymore but I don't want to see him hurt. I would never actually cheat on him but I can't shake the nudge that I need to cut my losses and move on. I'm just oh so terrified of being alone. The logical side of my mind and heart just keeps reminding me: What does it matter? You already are.

help.

One of the reasons women stay with emotionally abusive men is that they are systematically broken down. This keeps them from gaining the self-esteem and confidence to get out of a bad situation. Your military training, however, has taught you to be strong. I think your strength and fear are warring with each other.

It's hard to leave the comfort of a relationship, even an unstable one, and set out on your own. There's no telling how your husband will react or what the fallout will look like when you are done. However, I can guarantee one thing: if you leave him, you'll be free from his emotional abuse. What risks are you willing to take to achieve that outcome?

Where will you be five years from now if you stay in this relationship? Exactly where you are right now. Or perhaps things will get even worse.

Where will you be five years from now if you get yourself out? It's hard to say, isn't it? Maybe you'll be lonely. Maybe you'll be poor. But maybe you'll be confident, happy, successful and loved.

There's no possibility for happiness in this relationship. He isn't going to change (except for the worse), and you know it. Yet you seem to prefer a guarantee of misery to a possibility of happiness.

I think counseling is going to be a powerful experience for you, because it will give you a new perspective on this situation. I think it will help you overcome your fears, and I think you'll find the power to create a new life for yourself. It won't be easy, but if you've found the strength to endure this hell for so long, you can find the strength to end it.

You're a warrior. You can win this fight.

You get to decide how long you'll want to keep racking up things to complain about. I'd consider two steps that don't need to hold any obvious impacts unless and until you're ready to initiate them: 1) I'd meet with a lawyer to learn the matrimonial laws in my location, what my options are, and the best steps to take should I decide on that option, and 2) I'd meet with a therapist on my own to learn my hidden strengths regardless of my current complaints--along with how little those complaints 'must' impact me going forward should I decide to either shift my focus--or my actions.

It's a new year, and I'd make it a private goal to surprise myself with my resilience and ability to operate in my own best interests. Should those align amicably with husband's great, but if not, then he's a grown man, and he's perfectly capable of reaching for resources of his own.

Head high, and I hope you'll make 2017 into your best year ever.

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