Can't forgive cheating alcoholic boyfriend

Hi All,

Im 31 and in a situation where I'm half torn between trying to move on in my relationship after my boyfriend cheated, and wanting to end the relationship. Wanting any advice here.

My boyfriend and I are both 31 and met 2.5 years ago when we were both drunk out and about. He's very goodlooking and fun to be around, and although he was only 6 weeks out of a 4 year relationship at the time, he said he was over his ex and ready for a relationship, I was smitten and we soon started a relationship. I should say he admitted he had drunkenly cheated on his ex a couple of times which ultimately ended their relationship. He was remorseful and I said if he ever cheated on me to let me know, as i value honesty the most.

Things proceeded very quickly and I enjoyed his gregarious company a lot, in hindsight we both drank a lot in the early months, we fell in love and he moved in with me 4 months into the relationship. A few months later we went to my friends party where he proceeded to get very drunk, which made me angry so I left the party without him. Feeling bad after Id left I returned to see him chatting up a woman on the porch. So I left again, this time in tears. He came home about 4 hours later and when he finally woke up said "did we come home together?". My friend later told me he chatted up half the girls at the party.

Needless to say I was very close to breaking up with him, but he begged me to give him another chance and I loved him so we stayed together.

In the weeks afterwards he was very attentive and caring, but the alcohol use would creep back in, and sure enough he would stay out allnight on benders, whether it start as a work function or catching up with his mates. Often times he would get home hours after the bars had closed and not recall where he had been. Or get so drunk when we visited his family that i would put him to bed, and on one occasion clean up his vomit.

After a few more incidents of this nature i told him to move out, and that Id consider a future together if he worked on his drinking. Again, he talked me out of it, instead he stayed in the house but stopped drinking cold turkey. He put so much effort in to it, including coming away with my family on xmas holidays without drinking any alcohol when everyone else was! I should say that I cancelled visiting his family over the holidays as I find it stressful being around his family, on top of feeling stressed about our situation, and just wanted a break. He was really disappointed about that. We are opposites socially; Im an introvert and enjoy reading, hanging out with my family n generally chilling out where as he is often the life of the party (at least when drinking, which is almost always at a party) and likes to be around people in general and always doing something.

Anyway, after a couple of months of no drinking it started to creep in again. Then ourflatmate, who is in his early 20s, had a house party. My bf was offered shots early in the piece and was drunk in no time. At this point drinking with my bf held no interest for me, as i usually ended up looking after him. So I went to bed around midnight, waking up the next day with bf beside me. A young woman was passed out on the lounge, having obviously drunk too much. As Id find out a week later, my bf and this young woman has slept together on that lounge after everyone else had left, and our flatmate and I were asleep.

The worst part was I found out by snooping through my bfs email. He was acting strangely all week after the party, so when he went out drinking the following wkend I searched his email and found her message. I was so angry I confronted him when he got home,but he was so drunk when he got home and he denied it.

The next day I was at work and texted him to tell me the truth, when i got home he had the courage to admit it was true, but that she had come on to him! I said it was about him taking responsibility for his actions.

Sorry its a long story, but basically i asked him to move out after that. It took him 3 months to, then by that stage i was confused as we'd been living like a couple again and believed i lived him, I gave up my lease, moved in with him for a week, got really upset one night when we were out drinking and he was flirting with other women, moved back in with my parents briefly, then joined my brother on the other side of the world to try to rebuild my life. I ended up getting depressed and moved back to my country 3 months later, only to move back in with my bf where Ive been for three months now.

I feel so lost within myself, like i dont know who i am anymore. My bf and I are fighting regularly now about his alcohol use, as he is really an alcoholic, and I find Im bringing up the cheating incident more and more. Only 2 weeks ago he came home at 8.30am in the morning with grass in his hair. Last week he agreed to stop drinking, and go on a diet promoting abstinence, but still "only had two drinks" with his mate at a pub afterwards...

I love him, but am starting to see im really just attached more than anything, and cant move on from the anger and bitterness i feel about the cheating as long as he continues to drink. He's told me he's sorry for the hurt he caused me, that its not my fault, and that he's serious now about not drinking, but Im beyond the point of wanting to stick around for it, as i just see him falling back into old ways again..

Has anyone had a similar experience? Or any words of encouragement for me to leave him as I feel weak in some ways, each time i try to end it i give in and get talked around. Feels like i started off stronger and have become weaker over the last 2.5 years!

Encouragement to leave. Are you kidding!!!

You knew what you were getting into. Hell, he admitted that he had repeatedly cheated on his ex. Why would you think it would be different with you?

He is a raging alcoholic. He doesn't sound like he is anywhere near changing, as he has shown you, time and again.

Even if he stops drinking, he is a cheat and liar. Don't understand why you continue to stick around for, other than chaos and drama.

Look into codependence.

As I said on another thread, everyone has the right to end a relationship.

I guess the opposite is also true: everyone has a right NOT to end it.

You also have the right to ignore my advice and do the opposite but this is my take on it:

1. Irrespective of whether you stay together or not, he needs help with his drinking

2. I would leave him and not consider getting back with him. You owe him nothing

3. Make sure his drink problem is solved, if you ignore #2

He is a full blown alcoholic and you mistook a few months of dry out for progress. Please read up on alcoholism - it never goes away. People who defeat it so to speak, first and foremost will tell you that the addiction is ALWAYS there, they just want other things in life more so they keep it under control. However, the problem with an alcoholic, even if they are currently dry, is that there is always a powerful possibility that something in life will push them quickly back over the edge. It's a problem without a cure.

Anyway, you were told point blank that he is a cheater and you knew he gets wasted. Basically, you walked into this with your eyes wide open.

So what advice do you want? You know already that you should never have gotten involved or at the very least had the self respect to dump him when you found out he was banging some other girl in your own living room with you pretty much right there.....I mean ....wow..... Do you really want to turn the other cheek and use the "I was drunk" excuse for that one? Guess what....he was sober enough to bang her, quite capable in fact - conscious decision, conscious act.

Throw him out and block him. Don't talk nonsense about he somehow comes back. You are letting him because you don't mean to dump him. In a way you have your own addiction, except yours is this drama. Only way to kick an addiction is to go cold turkey and mean it. Kick him out, no more contact, block him from everything and then read up on codependence. You've got a bad case of that.

StaceyT - I've been on both ends of what you are experiencing. I was the BF in your situation with my GF and I have been cheated on by the same person all in one relationship. 14 years and I am now 32... I've been lost for over 14 years, hoping and wishing for things to be different. I lost time precious time I probably could found someone who wouldn't hurt me. I wish my GF also had left me and you should leave because by her not leaving me I learned that it was ok to behave that way. You could possibly help him realize that he has a problem, it took me years until I was cheated on twice to wake up to my demons.

We loved each other very much and since last year I finally decided to leave but guess what i'm still searching for a place 1 year later. I feel lost and trapped but I've gone through the shame of people losing faith in me for being weak. I did what I thought was right but now 14 years later I realize I never did anything right. I should have left; I wish I could have left at your time in the relationship. Do what's right and leave because you'll be lost, you'll lose your values, your lose a sense of your self and you aren't helping him. If you love him let him go and if it's meant to be it will come back properly. Don't waste time because as I keep repeating you will lose yourself more then you are now and if you force and blind yourself to stay you will have resentment and this is going to get ugly.

Don't be where I am.... If you need someone to talk to and support message. I believe we are in the exact same place.

He needs help. You need just as much help. You each need to get the help separately and have no further contact.

It's up to him to get the help he needs.

It's up to you to get the help you need. You have hurt him during the time you have been together. You have been an enabler to his destructive behavior. And he has hurt you during the relationship and will continue to hurt you for as long as you stay in the relationship.

To me in this situation, the cheating is a minor issue. His alcoholism is destroying you because you are letting it. I encourage you to get out of the relationship today, and into counseling right away, and start straightening out your life. Please never believe anything he says to you ever again. This is not to excuse his behavior, but for most full-blown alcoholics, once he has a drink it's like he loses control of himself.