My He-tox

Day 1 - I need to stop wasting so much energy on him. Why does he have this hold over me? I love the bones of him and I want nothing more than to marry him and have his children. We were so happy together. But I have to stop focussing on what was.

I shouldn't have been with him at the weekend. I was doing so well and then *bam* I was back there again and it felt like nothing had changed. It was so safe and comfortable and nice.

But inevitably the rejection followed. He isn't seeing anyone else, he cares about me.....but he doesn't know what he wants, it's all too much, he needs to sort himself out, he doesn't know what's wrong with him.

But you know what? What about ME??? After all I have been through since we met, why is it all about him? Why do I love him more than I love myself? I am pretty, I am funny, friendly and kind. I'm loved as a mother, a daughter, a sister and a friend. When people ask me if I'm single and I say yes, they ask "why?". Why indeed?

I spoke to him this morning and he gave his usual spiel about how he's just "not able". So now I need to accept what is and forget about what was.

And what is...is nothing. There are still feelings there, from both of us. But no relationship. I think it's time to let it go. Or to at least try.

So this evening I am going to do one thing that is not "usual" for me. Bake maybe? Or walk to the library? Something. Anything to take my mind off it.

Day 2 - feeling really positive. While the rejection totally sucked I actually think it was just what I needed. I'm still feeling a little sad but overall way more positive. I can't change him but I can change myself. And I need to accept it's over and start moving forward.

Had a lovely evening yesterday. Went to see my friend after work, the kids played and we had tea and a chat. And for once the chat wasn't all about the ex.

Went to bed and slept like a log and woke up this morning feeling a little resigned but very very positive.

I've worked out that 8 weeks from yesterday brings me up to a day or two before his birthday so that's what I'm going to do. If or when he contacts me in the meantime, I am going to say I need space.

I'll see how I feel after 8 weeks in terms of getting back in contact. I'm going to have a busy fun-filled summer in the meantime.

Time to start browsing some holidays!

Day 3 - Not feeling nearly as positive and upbeat as I was yesterday. But I'm home alone today so that always makes me feel low. Time to get lost in a book for an hour or two and free up some headspace.

Day 4 - All is good today. Have spoken to my friend and we're going to book a holiday for September so that's exciting. Weekend is over....the weekend is always the hardest especially when I'm on my own. Yesterday I called over to a friend and had a good chin wag and then last night I just relaxed and enjoyed my own company. Time to snap out of this "breakup" mentality and get my life back in order.

I have friends, I have family and I have a good job. My life is fulfilling and easily filled. He did leave a gap and I've been struggling to fill it but there's been no reason, other than I haven't wanted to. I wanted to leave it open for him.

Time to get back to my single life which was actually pretty awesome.

Day 5.....all is good. Only thought of him a little today. The anxious feeling is gone. I don't expect him or want him to contact me. Well, obviously I'd like if he contacted me begging for me back lol. But I know if he contacts me it will be only to offer me friendship. So I don't want him to contact me.

Day 6 - usually by now I am itching to contact him. Not now though. He is still in my thoughts, usually when I wake and before I sleep. But for the most part during the day I'm not thinking of him.

Maybe the habit is broken. Only time will tell. The most I've done in terms of NC was 13 days. I think I can easily get passed that now.

Day 7 - thinking about him a bit more today but overall still extremely positive and happy. Am loving being over him. I'm afraid of jinxing it but I really genuinely feel that the empty ache and pain is well diminished.

Day 8 - all is still good. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop but maybe I've cried my tears and pined enough for him. It would make sense really. We were only together for 10 months and we've been apart for 5 months apart from the one night we spent together.

There is only so much mourning one can do for a relationship.

Day 10 - had a dream about him last night so he was on my mind today. Still had a good day though and no urge to contact him at all. Looking forward to some time with my family next week and a good night out next weekend.....might even try flirting again

Day 11 - today I am angry. 11 days since I lasy bared my soul to him and all he could say at the time was that he was confused and needed to sort out his life. The usual crap he always spouts. He hasn't bothered, not once, to see if I'm ok. I know he is up to his eyes in work but does he really just not care? Not wonder how I am. Obviously not.

So I'm angry. Not in a smashing plates and shaking my fist kinda way.

More a small annoyance kind of angry.

So I'll rephrase it. I'm not angry. I'm disgruntled.

Day 13 - had to count up there to see. I'm fine again today. Bit of PMT so I could end up feeling a bit low at some point. But I'm going to be really busy with family for the next few days so that should get me over the 2 week mark.

I would love to know how he is. I assume he is fine. He's clearly not missing me anyway

Day........em.....18 I think, yeah, 18.

This is the longest we have ever gone without speaking since we met. I thought I'd see him out last night. I probably would have had we gone to the usual place but best that we didn't I guess. I had a few drinks and came very close to texting him but gave up mid way through. Thank god. I missed him terribly when I woke up this morning. It just hit me like a tonne of bricks. I was thinking about the Sunday mornings we used to spend together and I missed him.

It's been a bad week with loads of bad things happening and I miss having him there to talk with about stuff. He is so kind and reassuring and I came to rely on him a lot. I miss the secure feeling I had when I was with him.

I love him. I think I always will. I miss him and I think I always will. I truly thought that he was "the one" and I'm kind of at a loss as to what to do about that.

Day 19 - I'm really struggling. People(friends) keep asking me if I've heard from him. And keep telling me not to contact him. And I know I shouldn't but I want to and sometimes the need to see him and speak to him is overwhelming.

I miss him so much. I miss hearing about his day. How can he not care about how I am after all we have been through. I can't fathom it. Not so much as a "how's things?" in almost 3 weeks.

Day 20 - exactly 3 weeks to the day since I last spoke to him and I caved this morning and sent him a text just asking how he was. I'm such a dope.

He replied yesterday but it made me feel worse if anything. Quite frankly the lack of interest there was embarrassing. He just couldn't care less.

Back to day 1 again.