Was I sexually abused as a child?

I have no memory of it, but lately i’ve been wondering if i was sexually abused a kid.. I don’t really remember most of my childhood, but what i do remember is very sexual. I masturbated a lot as a child with our pool jets (as well as friends) without knowing what i was doing. My mom would have to yell at me to stop all the time, but i could not figure out why, i thought what i was doing felt great and even showed a friend. I would also heavily flirt with my friend when she would spend the night and with another while we swam in her pool, even though i knew it was wrong. And during my preteen years I spent most of my time in my room masturbating and and fantasized about being sexually touched as a child (i liked the innocence), rough sex, rape, and developed a curiosity for beastiality. It’s embarrassing to admit, because as an adult i find all of this disgusting. I started watching a lot of lesbian porn, at first because it turned me on, but i later started to realize that i did not like looking at men’s genitals. To clarify, i am straight. I don’t find women attractive nor do i picture myself with one, but to this day i still watch lesbian porn. I have had sexual relationships (which i have enjoyed) with men, but never any real relationships.

I also grew up with extremely low self confidence and social anxiety (i still can’t overcome it today), and have been depressed as long as i can remember. I have also been told by numerous therapists that i have BDD (Body Dimorphic Disorder) and have battled Anorexia, Bulimia, and overeating since my freshmen year at high school.

Although all of this points towards sexual abuse, i am confused by two factors; i have no memory of the alleged abuse (as i mentioned before), and i did not have the best childhood (so all my issues could come from that). My parents divorce was very messy and the police were called to my house a lot. I saw my father being arrested numerous times and my mother rarely showed me (or my sister) any affection. My mother has asked me if my father ever touched me (after he revealed he was sexually abused by his mother), but i truthfully answered no because my father is not the type. Although he does have mental issues that he keeps well hidden (he has two restraining orders.. one against my mom and another against his ex girlfriend who was also my mother’s best friend), he would never do that to me so it has to be someone else.

I have never told anyone any of this before, and despite years of therapy i not dare mention my concern because i fear i’m overanalyzing and overreacting. I feel safer revealing this to a complete stranger. Can anyone help me?

My daughter is 6. She experiments on herself sexually, and "rocks" herself to sleep using masterbation. She also experimented with a male friend once in an "I'll show you mine, you show me yours" fashion. Theyre both 6.

I do not dismiss her sexuality, as she is a person and has the right to her own body. I DO explain that whatever she does is private, and it's inappropriate to show other people your privates.

I have explained, when she is trying to fall asleep in the living room, that she is touching private parts of her body and that shoudl ONLY be done in private, so she shuold excuse hrself to her bedroom.

You probably used the pool jets to masterbate because it FEELS good. Even toddlers ad young children masterbate. It isn't sexual to them- it just feels good!

By your account, everyone has ben sexuall abused, if that's the case.

I do think you are overanalyzing....and probably overreacting as well.

I uderstand your fear, trust me, I do. But I think you should probably just let it go. You have no memory of the event, and specific behaviors don't always indicate sexual abuse. In your case, it really seems unlikely.

That’s great, i wish my mother had done the same for me. Her case seems to be different from mine, but it’s hard for me to accept that my actions were normal considering how i am now as an adult. Your daughter will most likely grow out of her habit, mine stayed with me until a few years ago. I’m 22 now. I felt disgusted with myself and still feel ashamed and unappealing when i masturbate and fantasize about rape and other horrible things. I thought i would feel happy if someone told me i was overreacting... but i feel worse.

I don't think that anyone here could diagnose you as an sexual abuse survivor. Especially since you have no memories of it. While there are some therapists who will try to bring those memories up, that form of therapy has been pretty much totally debunked (although only after it did a lot of damage).

Fantasies about rough sex and rape are actually fairly common. I recall it being thought that for some women who weren't brought up to feel ok about sex is was a way of allowing sexual thoughts without actually having to feel responsible for them.

Your best bet would be to talk this through with soeone who is qualified though.

I doubt shell grow out of the habit. BUT hopefully I am teaching her that sex is normal.

I think maybe some of the issue is really ur own discomfort.with sexuality.

Rape fantasies are normal. I have them. Most women do.

it may be, at this point I’m not sure. I research a lot, and i’ve noticed that every situation is different. It may all be from my low confidence and a discomfort with sexuality, and i’m aware that a lot of woman fantasize about rape... so there is a very good chance you are right. I also want to thank you and apologize for assuming. I don’t know you or you’r daughter, but it makes me so happy you actually did something instead of awkwardly avoiding the situation.

I also agree with agent, there’s no way of telling until i see a professional.

please make sure your professional is qualified, and not one of those hypnoquacks that actually TRICK people into thinking thei were molested.