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Thread: Boyfriend's pushing me away during a rough time.

  1. #11
    Member Suri's Avatar
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    "I'm worried about future tragedies that we will undoubtly experience if we are able to keep our relationship strong in the long run as we've always talked about. I feel like it's crucial that I learn what to do and not do for him in times like these so that when something tragic happens in the future we won't have to go through this again."

    Exactly. That's why a situation like this can either beneficial or destructive. There will always be rough times and future tragedies. If you can get through this it will strengthen your relationship tremendously.

    jimmyh speaks many words of truth as well. What he may need most is just listening. Listen to his stories about his brother. Don't press for anything. Just listen to what he wants to say. And be aware of the fact that his pain may be displaced onto you.

  2. #12
    Bronze Member EricaNicole's Avatar
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    I know what you can learn about somebody through 3-4 months of letter writing. I do want to get to know him further. After all, he's likely to be the uncle of my children one day. I understand your point, though. I don't have the childhood memories like they do. I care about his brother a lot, but I don't know him like he does. Regardless, I'm still going to do what I can. Whether that be speaking to him about completely unrelated topics, leaving him alone for a little while, or just sitting with him in silence. Whatever he needs, I'll do it. The only thing I won't do is accept that his way of making me useful is by causing me emotional pain. I know that he doesn't like hurting me and he probably feels terrible about it.

    I think he came to terms with what his brother did a long time ago. Like I said, he's been in jail for three years, so he's accepted it by now. I think what he's really upset about is the fact that he has to walk through life without him and there's no other option.

    You've all given me really great advice. I feel slightly better and more prepared for future conversations with him. Thank you so much.

  3. #13
    Member Suri's Avatar
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    You're very welcome EricaNicole. Glad we could help! If you need anything further just send me or jimmyh a PM.

  4. #14
    Bronze Member jimmyh's Avatar
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    Best luck EricaNicole. Don't hesitate to post when you think you can't find your way. Post your story, post details, send PMs. Someone will be here to listen and give advice.

    One last thing. You didn't say much of your own family. They could be a good source of advice if your relationship is good (even if it isn't in some cases). Also, other older friends who went through similar things.

    And try to read what other people post in in this category or in the grief-loss section. It is not advise for you, but there could be similar situations and you could end up seeing things we didn't even think about.

    I cannot stress enough how not taking abuse is important. Your mind has to stay clear and sharp if you want to be able to handle this. Don't resent, try to understand. Also, this experience will change you a lot. I cross my fingers that it will be a positive change.

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  6. #15
    Bronze Member EricaNicole's Avatar
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    Though I love my family, I'm not nearly as close to them as my boyfriend and I are, not really close enough to talk to about such personal things, unfortunately. He's the bulk of my support system.

    I don't think I've ever been on a support forum where I've been welcomed with such kindness. I'm happy to be here.

  7. #16
    Bronze Member jimmyh's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by EricaNicole
    Though I love my family, I'm not nearly as close to them as my boyfriend and I are, not really close enough to talk to about such personal things, unfortunately. He's the bulk of my support system.
    You should reach out to them. Slowly, tactfully, whatever way makes you comfortable. You have a tough time and your boyfriend is simply unable to offer you the support right now. But you need it just as he does. Once you feel you found a way to deal with the situation for the short term (days, weeks), reach out to family and friends. I would not be too open to male friends, if I were you, though. No need to stir anything with your boyfriend in the state he is.

    I'm happy on the forum, too. I got some "tough love" but everyone was nice so far.

  8. #17
    Bronze Member EricaNicole's Avatar
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    Surprise, surprise...

    He texted me and offered to make the hour drive tonight just to be here for three hours or so, which is something else I like about him. He wants to see me enough to go through that trouble.

    Anyway, I plan to implement some of all your advice and attempt to have a open, non-accusing conversation with him tonight. I hope it goes well. I'll tell you all how it goes.

  9. #18
    Bronze Member EricaNicole's Avatar
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    Wow! What a night...

    If you're interested, here's the progress on this problem:

    He came over tonight, and we argued for a good twenty minutes. I did try to remain calm and did a decent job of it. We went for a long walk and eventually stopped fighting and started talking. He explained that he thought we should take a break, which at first I was fuming angry about because I felt strongly that taking a break, especially during a problem this big was the worst thing we could do, and I've always believed that things of that nature were the reason most couples don't make it. I was especially worried about us developing terrible problem-solving skills from this.

    He went on to explain that he wanted to take the time apart to work on himself so he could be better for me. He said that he knew the way he was treating me was wrong and that he needed to "figure some things out on [his] own". Though I didn't feel good about it at all, I trust him very, very much. He was sweet and loving about it, and assured me over and over that this wasn't goodbye. He also made sure to tell me that he wasn't leaving me, that we'd still be best friends. He also told me that, in time, he felt like he could learn to open up to me and be the boyfriend I needed him to be. I told him I trust him and when he left I felt at peace with it and, despite us deciding to not officially be together for some time, I felt better about our relationship than I have since all this began.

    About five minutes after he left, he texted me and asked if he could come back over. I let him, and he walked in obviously close to tears. He said that he realized that he doesn't need to be away from me and that we'll get through his depression together, which is what I'd wanted all along.

    I wasn't testing him or anything, and even though I was at peace with the decision after he left, him coming back meant the world to me and confirmed even further that he's a wonderful guy.

    I just thought that I'd let all you kind people who assisted me with this problem would like to know that I feel a million times better and thank you once more.


    I'm so proud of him for being so open and honest tonight. I'm even prouder for him admitting that he had things to work on and wanting to work on them for us.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member -Sanguine-'s Avatar
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    That's great to hear, EricaNicole. I am happy for you two that you were able to work something out and he sounds like he's made some awesome progress. I wish the best for you and hope everything works out well! Good luck.

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