My girlfriend getting comfort/advice from another man?

Im not sure where to start this. Ill do my best.

My girlfriend and I have recently moved back to her hometown. In the first week of being back, i had made a huge mistake. I wont get into the nasty details. The aftermath of this mistake has been horrifying in so many different ways to me. My girlfriend has lost trust for me, and is also in a state of stress and hurt. Of course, apologizing profusely cant fix a big mistake, but i tried and tried. The issues are these.

She started voicing that she needs attention, that i dont give enough of it. Of course, i started trying to pay more attention to her and be around her more, have more conversations with her. But in time, with no gain, and more loss to the health of the bond, i was beginning to get frustrated. I voiced this, telling her i did not know what to do to make her feel better about my mistake. She began going into more details about how i should give her attention. Examples: Little notes, Dates, surprises etc etc.

Now this is one of my first adult relationships, and these things have been heard of before by me, but never attempted because i never was in a relationship long enough to know NOT dong them was a problem! After hearing these things i started trying harder and harder to figure out what types of things she might like, and trying to do them. This seemed to help a small bit. But nonetheless, she was still unhappy, and always upset with me. I finally got her to admit another of her problems with me. Apparently i whine. I had started getting into the habit of whining and complaining that i didnt know how to fix this problem i had started. Which made the spiral bigger and more deadly to me.

During this time she mentioned once or twice about this guy she knew. She told me that years ago she had told him she was jealous of his fiance. She told me that he was now not with his fiance, and was now telling my girlfriend that he was jealous of HER. I did not know anything about the guy at the time, so i took no notice of this story. Oh, and she asked me once where Michigan was.

Now, one day she asked me to grab her laptop from downstairs. Her facebook messages were up. I couldnt help but read what was on the screen. I did not think this was a problem, because she had no problem reading what was on my screen when she was sitting next to me and i was facebooking. What i fould made me a bit jealous. she was talking to a guy friend, and in the messages i found the comment of his where he said he was jealous of her being engaged, to which she replied "dont be, its rocky right now" This struck me a bit harsh I also read him saying that she would have to come and visit him in Michigan sometime. He replied that her Fiance (me) probably would like that, because he might steal her away from me (jk jk). She replied to him flirting by ignoring, but continuing to carry on an in depth conversation with him. I was jealous of this whole thing, even though i knew she had never done any harm to me and i could trust her always. But i was going through the stress of the problem of making up what i had done a couple weeks before, and i was afraid i would lose her. So this conversation hit me a bit harder than it maybe should have.

I later confronted her about this whole thing. Maybe not a good thing, but what i thought i should do at the time. She was first livid that i had read her conversation, and went on to tell me he was just a friend from a long time ago. I would just have to get over this for now.

A week or so passed, and i saw her IMing him once in awhile, watching his videos, etc etc. I would get slightly jealous, but hold it in. And we were still having our problems working out our issues from before. Since then i had moved into a friends apartment to give her her space. There seemed to be no short in love from her, so i accepted this shortly and thought the space would be good for both of us. And it was for the first few days. Coming up to yesterday. We were both on Windows live messenger chatting, when she sent me a link to her profile, telling me she wanted to play a game. I saw no game, but i did see that she had added Roman to her friends. I clicked his profile, and saw that he had ONE friend, and it was her. I started asking her questions. I asked her how often they talked. I could tell she was choosing her words carefully because she was typing, stopping, typing, stopping. She finally printed "He's the only one i can talk to about the stress thats been going on"

I was livid. I couldnt explain it, but knowing that a man that who was obviously attracted to my Fiance, and giving her comfort and advice about ME and OUR relationship, really got me going. In my anger i made contact with him and told him in a message to stay away from my Fiance, and that i knew what they talked about and that he was stealing nothing.

at the same time, the fight between my Fiance and i started and ended quickly, with both of us telling each other it was over at the same exact time. We had been through this before in rocky times, and had gotten past the faux breakups. But this time it was over jealousy, and it had never been before. She blocked me, and wouldnt talk to me. This was the most mad i had been in a long time to her. And i dont even know if its right of me. I walked 2 miles from my apartment to her house, to get some of my stuff, and maybe see if i could figure things out. Mainly i just had to get out of the house to walk because i COULDNT sleep with all this on my mind. The walk in the rain helped. But when i got there she had a girlfriend over. I couldnt quite start telling her i loved her and we should talk about things, for her friend had just gotten there and was completely in the dark. But of course, throughout my brief stay, we started arguing about the subject of Roman.

I left in a hurry with my stuff with both of us hurt and mad. When i got back, there was a message she had sent to me that said "i will not have you ruin this friendship for me" in a few more words than that. I dont have the exact print. She also said "Why cant you just calm down and be understanding about my stress like Roman??"

This hurt. Alot. I was having alot of stress during these weeks also. i know i was the one to blame for the problem in the start, but knowing i had to fix it and that she was talking to this guy was really starting to stress me out too!

The only one i was deeply connected enough with to talk about all this with was me Ex, who i was FORBIDDEN to chat with, but was a really good friend. This didnt seem fair to me either, because i had promised my ex way before i met my Fiance that i would be her friend and we would always help each other out if we needed it. Well, this was my fiances hometown. not mine. i had noone to talk to after i was forbidden from chatting online with my ex. I was worn. stressed. maybe as much as she was. maybe not.

But back to the ending of the main story. It was after she said that about me not being calm and understanding that she told me we were just friends for now, and that she still loved me. I was devastated from the night, and was telling her i loved her. I asked her if she thought there was still a chance for us in the future. She told me yes, but for now we were friends. I told her i still wanted her to be the one at the alter with me. She surprised me by then making me promise that she WOULD be the one at the alter with me someday.

It was at this point that i got Roman's cocky reply, telling me that My Fiance had contacted HIM, and that she wasnt with me anymore, and that she didnt want to talk to me. Which had been true a couple hours ago. it got me going nonetheless.

That was a few short hours ago from when im writing this. Now im just as confused and i cant stop thinking about this Roman guy, who lives in another state.

Now im hear asking for advice on any and all of what i have wrote in this thread. Im here to tell you that i want the relationship to continue, and that i admit that i Have no idea what im doing at this point. i have no idea which of my decisions were bad, or which were good. This is why im here. Please, tell me im not alone! Help me with advice about what Shes feeling, and maybe help straighten things out in my head!

Thank you so much in advance.

It seems that whatever happened to initially cause a problem--sent her looking for emotional support in Roman.

As opposed to seeing counseling or support from friends--she sought that support from another man--which was very counter-productive....a healthy decision would have been counseling--or couples counseling...maybe even giving each other space for a bit--until things settled down....NOT what she has done...

IMO you should tell her this & that you would be willing to seek a productive route at mending the rlshp--but that excludes advice from a third party who has their own agenda....

If she doesn't understand that & still tries to defend her rlshp with Roman--then give her this scenario:

I (you) walk into a bar tonight and are approached by a gal, you start chatting and she's clearly coming onto you...she asks if your available and you tell her abt what's been going on....will this gal try and make you reconcile with you fiance'--or tell you to forget abt her and offer you her number?...I think the answer is pretty clear on that one--ppl offer the advice that suits their own agenda, period!

I hope this helps?

Okay....I definetly think that you two are having commitment issues. The fact that she is talking to another guy and telling him

yalls intimant information is a Red Flag...The fact that she can't stop talking to him is a even bigger Red Flag...The nice things about it

is this guy is out of state and they most likely will only ever be friends. Long distance relationships are a huge no no for many statistics say so...

But I also think she still loves you, she needs space and maybe even more time to think if she wants to get married yet. How old are the 2 of you?

How long have you been dating for?

Nanscense makes a lot of since!, so go with that and think about that as well..

Its not that she doesn't love you anymore or even doesn't care, its prob that shes thrown back

and whatever "mistake" you did may have definetly caused a make or break in her mind which caused her to seek out advise and maybe even bash on yalls relationship to another man....I am guilty of similar actions, and yes all of the men I have ever talked like this to wanted me to end it with the man I was bantering about... Give her space and plently of it...do not text her, email her, facebook her...nothing!...Don't even bring up counceling until weeks later...she needs time to think...So do you...

It seems that you have wandered into a relationship that you are not mature enough to handle. You made this huge mistake and now she is thinking that she can do much better than you. I am sorry but nothing kills the romance like the woman having to "tell you" how to be romantic. If you do not understand the value and power of notes, messages, small gestures of affection than you are in deep trouble.

This guy has set his sights on her and yes, she is considering it. I really do not think you can change her opinion of you. You appear clueless and desperate in her eyes. Perhaps time to learn and move on?

Being a woman...You do not seem clueless and desperate, well maybe a little clueless especially if you didn'r romance her after the mistake you made...

what was this mistake though, might help with everyone giving you advice to know what exactly led up to this. I still think you need to give her space...

My relationship went into turmoil, I moved out after living and being with him for almost 2.5 years....It hurt like hell to try to move on but at the end....

and I mean literally almost a yr later, Im coming to terms that him and I weren't very compatible and would of been miserable had he not ended it...

I continued to email, txt, call him and he first changed his number and 2nd emailed me back telling me he has a fiance now, they have a kid on the way and we have no reason to ever talk again....and asked me politely to not contact him again...Im pretty sure its because of my gazillion amounts of emails----so don't do what I did....try to keep busy and if you wanna contact her, post here instead or start a journal....Helped me a whole lot...

Ps. If you end up back together, give her roses or at least some arranged flowers...=)

It sounds like whatever you did was so bad that she felt like she could no longer trust you and that is why she is going astray. Your desperate hopes of reconciling the relationship are failing because she apparently believes that perhaps she can do better. But without you providing what happened and what exactly caused the relationship to expire up to the end, it's difficult to give any solid advice. However, I have to assume that whatever it was that you did must have been devastating.

Did you cheat on her?

Sounds like she wants to explore things with this guy before coming back home (Hence the be Friends now bit).

Go NC on her ass.....let her see what things are like without you.

First of all, thank you for your advice now matter how dire it may seem. Ill tell what the mistake was.

The week after we landed, we had a small three person party with her best friend. We got drunk and ended up having multiple threesome sessions. Later that night we ended up going to her friends boat. After being there for a few hours, My Fiance and her other girl friend had fallen asleep in the back of the boat. I was in the middle of the boat, and as the sun started coming up outside. the boat walls started closing in slightley in my head, and i HAD to get out, so i stepped out onto the docks. After a few minutes i realized that there wasnt enough room in the boat for us all to sleep. The other girl we had slept with the night before came out and told me she was having the same issues with the claustrophobia. we both went back inside and woke up my Fiance, telling her that we were going home to sleep. Both of us individually said we were going home to sleep, and she looked at us individually and said ok, and then laid her head back down to sleep. Take in mind that we were all still fairly tipsy. Well, we got into our Designated Driver's car and when back home without her. We both laid in bed and snuggled up just like we had a couple hours before when we were all sleeping together, thinking it was no big deal. (This happens to be my Fiances best friend by the way). In the first few minutes she started moving into me, and squirming slightly. She was getting turned on by just touching me! we were both not in our right minds, and started making out at the same time. In my head, i thought that My Fiance didnt mind sharing because of the threesomes we had before. I thought it being her best friend, she wouldnt mind at all. Well one thing hot and heavily led to another and we had sex and fell asleep afterwards. After a couple hours, we went back to the boat to pick up my Fiance, who after a couple minutes, asked cheerily, in the tone that i THOUGHT it should have been, and asked "Did you do anything with *****?" well, since she was so carefree and cheery about it, i thought it was just how it had been in my mind! That she was sharing and didnt care! I told her happily that we had done things together, and the day went on as normal until her friend left. And then my Fiance broke down and told me she was terribly hurt.

I know now that no matter how tipsy i was, i shouldnt have done this without my Fiance there. I know i made a huge mistake. I was in the wrong mindset and thought i was thinking the right thing. Obviously i wasnt.

Oh! also, i am just 20, and she is 19. We have been living together since we first started dating 11 months ago.

And do you think it might be a good idea after giving her some space to just show her NANsense's Reply? It seems to me that maybe she would see it and see something different coming from a third person? Or would this be the totally wrong thing to do?

Did you cheat on her?

 

Go NC on her ass.....let her see what things are like without you.

What does NC mean please?

NC = no contact

IMO if you wish to show it to her feel free....but you will have to disclose the entire thread so she sees what info the response was based on....if you've presented everything fairly (which it seems you have) then no worries....

the again--if you feel what I wrote was the right path--there's no need to say it came from a third party....up to you

I have to ask--are three-somes something that the two of you have done in the past? I'm not passing judgement here--and get that many ppl/couples do this....but I'm also aware that many, many times it costs them the rlshp as a result....I hope you're aware of the risks involved & by that I don't simply mean STD's and all that--but moreso just what has happened to you.....it seems there's a fine line between sharing & sharing out of view....IMO sharing is sharing, period....but ppl usually have this "rule" that when present it's allowed.....in the end I still have heard story after story of couples who think it sound like innocent play--and find out otherwise....

PS....I'm not getting how she feels she is being fair??? Being angry at you is one thing....but it sounds as though you broke rules that were unspoken and unclear (possibly) meanwhile she has gone behind your back and deliberately is carrying on an emotional affair (of sorts) with another guy...

Maybe this is payback in her mind?...

You, the fiancee and the girl next door need to sit down and have a talk.

Yes, we had one threesome before. It was our first one, and it was a week before the last one. It happened, it was enjoyable to all parties, and there were no bad feelings from it.

She told me after i had read the first messages that she did it to make me jealous, but at the same time, she was livid that i had read her private messages? Then she goes back and forth in our arguments how she wasnt trying to make me jealous, just to say later that she did it because she was angry at me.

Whenever i confront her about this emotional affair, she says that he is just a friend. What do i say against that? I dont know about their relationship other than they are obviously attracted to each other....

Yes, we had one threesome before. It was our first one, and it was a week before the last one. It happened, it was enjoyable to all parties, and there were no bad feelings from it.

She told me after i had read the first messages that she did it to make me jealous, but at the same time, she was livid that i had read her private messages? Then she goes back and forth in our arguments how she wasnt trying to make me jealous, just to say later that she did it because she was angry at me.

Whenever i confront her about this emotional affair, she says that he is just a friend. What do i say against that? I dont know about their relationship other than they are obviously attracted to each other....

If it was simply a friendship they would not be discussing attraction....it's really as simple as that....not sure how anyone could or would try to argue that point?

I have to say....and I have my fingers crossed that you will take this as constructive criticism--as I understand that people explore & try out new adventures sexually....I hold no judgement on those who do so--and actually feel that it's healthy....BUT there is a time and place for everything--and IMO exploring sexually should and would be better done prior to making a commitment to one person....there are far to many rules, jealousy issues, cheating and trust issues that arise....and the reason I believe this is...well, look at where you're at right now....in hindsight, was this worth it?

I really do believe that you & your partner were playing with fire & the rlshp got burned.....I'm not saying I feel it's beyond repair--but that this is a teachable moment...ya, it was fun, exciting, etc....you could try and outwit the system (by that I mean not being exclusive) or you could decide outwitting--for a moments excitement is a fools game...

what I mean is--you could take what has happened & you two could chalk up to growing pains and move forward...or continue to play "you hurt me & I'll hurt you" (which it seems she's doing now)...does this make sense?

Yes this all makes sense to me. No it was not worth it. If i could go back i would not have done any of it. our relationship would be perfectly fine right now if it wasnt for that.

I think that i will try the not being exclusive route. I will not contact her in any way. My next question is: If she tries to contact me within two days, should i ignore her? or should i not be phased and talk to her like a friend? I feel like we shouldnt be in contact for less than a week. This being because i believe she really start to miss me, and realize im worth it to her to try to work past this. She has been telling me all throughout this that she doesnt know how to feel or think about what iv done, and she keeps trying to figure it out. I feel like i should help her do this by giving her more time than she may think she needs. Thoughts?

I think you could have a point in having a bit of space and distance to think this through....I don't think I would outright ignore her--but say just what you have here-- "I think we both have a lot to think about & to sort out-- but really feel we should talk when things cool down--can I call you in a week?"

I agree the week may also give enough time for the anger to settle and missing you to take it's place....

another factor that hasn't been mentioned....you said this gal was her best friend....this could complicate matters a bit as well...right now she may be feeling betrayed by not only her partner--but best friend as well....just something to consider & IMO another reason not to ignore her--but to let her know you're here and love her--but are hoping things cool down & you two can discuss what to do next...

Yeah shes pretty upset because apparently her friend and her cant be along together without it being awkward now. which is sad.

This morning i went to her house to talk to her parents. she ended up talking to me, and i left with both of us knowing we are friends now. I asked for a hug before i left and she gave it. We sat and talked for a couple minutes, and then i told her i was going to walk home. She looked really sad but didnt say anything. I told her i loved her and goodbye.

I left her this note for her to find before i left her house this morning. Handwritten, which means alot coming from me cause i hate writing things out by hand.

Miranda,

I'm going to make this short. I want you to be with me forever. I know that im the right one for you. I know that im worth it. I want the best for you, and i think im the best.

But Im human and i make mistakes. We all do. Im trying to do the best that i know how.

I told myself when we were having a hard time in Washington that no matter how hard it got, i would work through anything to make OUR lives better, together. I made myself promise that i would always work as hard as i could to make this relationship work. I hope that you come to the same conclusion for yourself.

"Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

Love always,

Israel

Now im home, and im talking to her brother (who was my friend and set us up last summer) and he is telling me she is acting very sad and crying. hmmm. Should i keep you updated?

Dear Israel,

I have been thinking to myself a lot lately over what went wrong and what makes me feel worthless/unappreciated. I have to accept that being angry and not talking to you won't lead me anywhere. I'm just so deeply in love with you! I might have said many stupid things but I just couldn't help trying to win back your attention.

I really went through a lot trying to prove a point, because lately I have just wanted everything to go back to the way it use to be. Im scared that it never will be okay again. I am not sure, but I hope that my feeling is wrong. I should have been giving some reasons for what I feel. Whenever we chat, I just want to have the best of it, the best of you and the best of us. I hate it when we end conversations still fighting, not getting anywhere..

I know that I have hurt you for what I've done/said and I am asking for your forgiveness and hoping that we could start all over again. completely. from before we started dating. I really cherish those moments when everything was going great. I could hardly take the reality of losing you. I really want you back, but things need to change and certain things need to be fixed before anything happens. I would like apologies all around.

I would like a date i would like you to sweep me off my feet.

If loving you was wrong, I don't want to be right and if living without you is right, I would rather be wrong all my life. I love you and I always will.

Love always,

Miranda

Thank you for all your help! I will be staying with this forum, hopefully i can help everyone the same depth i got!

I DO need help with the little things that show her i love her, so i will be asking for advice on that, in a different thread, in the future.

Thank you again!

I'm very happy for the two of you

Im glad you guys are working through this. I personally do not think three somes are healthy for long term relationships...I am curious about them though...But yeah...with someone from another state or even country that my boyfriend has no way of meeting up with later...lol