All over the place...

Sooo.. felt like writing about how I'm feeling.

Don't really know how to describe it. I'm not happy, I'm not upset. I just am?

Last night was kind of hard. My ex texted me.. and basically the conversation ended with him suggesting that we stop talking completely. I know he is right but it was hard to hear that. He said it felt like he was just working for a while and then he would be home to see me and it was a tease. I felt the same way. There really was no point in talking to him anymore.. we both know we weren't going to be together anymore.. well unless I would have agreed to having sex with him but I didn't. So he deleted my bbm from his phone. I can still text him regularily, but I won't. And neither will he.

I am okay. I am moving on. I know I will be fine and I don't think about him too often. Sometimes things will remind me of him and I will feel a little sad.. but I no longer question why we aren't together or try to analyze it. It just didn't work for various reasons. But I came to the conclusion that the main reason was that he needed to sort out his own life before he should be in a relationship. I think this also gave me an opportunity to become okay with being alone.

I feel like I am slowly evolving into the person I want to be. The only obstacle is my lack of friends, really. It's not that I don't make friends easily.. it's just that I work every day 8 hours with people who are much older than me so I don't really hang out with them outside work unless it's a work function. And I don't have a car, so going to different activities is very limited not to mention expensive. Most of the friends I have met were through other friends, which is good. But they are all very busy. I just wish I had a closer group of friends in this city that I could rely on and hang out with.

My best friend just moved today. It hasn't really hit me yet that she is gone. I'm sure it will after my break is over when I'm alone again on the weekend..

What I really want right now is to just meet new people. I feel like everything else in my life is good besides that fact. I am just lonely. Before I start dating again, it would be nice if I had a REAL life.. a busier one. If not, I will end up making that person my everything and I don't want that again.

I feel like I'm becoming more confident as time passes. I don't really know where it's coming from. My opinion on my looks is so weird.. I mean, sometimes I think I am pretty but sometimes I don't. I am told I am good looking a lot. And I believe it, but I don't.

Haha, like this weekend.. I met my friends mom and she said that she wouldn't want me near her son because I'm so cute. Jeez, I just don't really see it but it's nice to hear. And my ex.. he said that he was worried I would get hurt because 90% of the guys in the city are going to think I'm gorgeous and he doesn't want anyone to play me. Hmmm.. I don't know.

I feel like I have the confidence to go up to a guy and just start talking. But I don't want to do that. I find that it takes my interest out of dating. I like to be pursued in the beginning. Once we have established a bond and are somewhat exclusive, then I will feel more comfortable making the first moves. I don't want to play all the cards right away. I know it's a double standard because maybe guys shouldn't have to do that either.. but I am old fashioned and traditional and I want to be asked out on a date and approached by HIM. Not the other way around.

There's this guy I kind of have my eye on. He works with one of my good friends. She told me he's really nice and is like an older brother to her, he's been very supportive of her and some stuff she's been going through. He's 23. He's going to university to become a teacher and I think that is so great. I can't explain how happy it would make me to be with someone who has their life on track and knows what they want. He would be ready to settle down soon. I don't understand why he is single. He is verrry good looking. I've talked to him once.. unfortunately I was drunk. And I had made out with a random guy (first and last time I hope) that night and I think he heard me talking about it. So I hope he doesn't think I'm just some immature 19 year old.. because that's probably how I came off but I'm so not like that. If I could be engaged in 2 years and get married that would make me extremely happy. Unlike most people my age, I do not plan on getting with anyone random or having flings. I want the real thing. If the next guy I date is the one I marry.. well that's what I want. I want to get my friend to set me up with him in the new year.. once I feel completely ready. I'm just worried I'll miss my chance. I saw him yesterday because I was at the restaurant where my friend and he work. We made eye contact a few times. I should have smiled at him or something. The thing that makes me feel conceited is that I'm quite positive I could get him to like me very easily if I just had the chance. I could make him fall hard for me. I don't mean to sound over confident, but I just feel good about my girlfriend/dating skills. I want to fall hard for someone again.

I'm so glad I'm open to that again. I didn't think I would be for a longer time. It's been 2 months since the break up. By the time my break is over for Christmas, it will almost be three months. Doesn't seem like it's been that long but time is flying and I am getting much better. I do feel bad for the other guy though.. the one I talked to 5 days after my break up and ended up sharing a really nice weekend with and hooking up. I was vulnerable and thought that's what I wanted. But I think I was just lonely. Don't get me wrong.. we have an amazing emotional connection. But just as friends, I think. I am not as attracted to him as I'd like to be. I wish I was because we could have a great relationship.. that's not the only obstacle though. We would be long distance and that is not something I want again. So I feel bad because we haven't spoken in 2 weeks.. I feel like I should text him to be nice, but I don't really feel the need to and I don't want to lead him on again.

Wow, I am really rambling. Anyway, I cannot wait to go home for a week! It will be so nice to see my family. The older I get.. the more I feel I fit in with them. Being youngest by 9 years was harder before. But now I feel like they want to include me and take me more seriously.

I really like who I am. Is that bad to say? Oh well, it's my journal, I guess. I just wish I could stop worrying about stupid things. Right now I have nothing to worry about, but I keep going back to stupid things that used to bother me or I make issues about stuff where there isn't an issue..

WOW, this is really all over the place. I guess I should go and clean up the apt before my roomie comes home. Man, I'm glad to have a roomie.

Goooodnight.. here's hoping for a good week.