10 year gap, REALLY feeling the diff in life stages

Hi everyone,

I'm new here, and thanks in advance for reading this! It's a bit twisted here and there, so please bear with me.

I'm 17 and my boyfriend is 26. We met about a year ago and clicked immediately. I knew my parents (very traditional, asian) were not going to be happy with this relationship, so we kept it underground for about half a year until my mother found out and had a fit. She's finally beginning to soften up a bit, but here lies the real problem.

I'm only 17, I study my *** off at school, and I have dreams of going to well-known schools like UBC, UofT, and McGill and later go into dental school to become a dentist.

My boyfriend is 26, does not have his high school diploma, has been a chef for 6, 7 years. He tried going back to school about half a year ago, but lost his license because he failed an awareness test when stopped by the police (it's about a 40 min drive from his place to the school, and he hates the bus).

I really love this guy, but it seems that whenever I try to move forward, he just takes a step back. He talks about dreams of getting rich, having a family and what not, and I hold back, wanting to tell him he's not going to get there with the kind of schooling he has. He's tried going back to school, but he was failing in most of the courses he took. During the period when he lost his license, I encouraged him to go get a job and just take a 15 minute bus into town and he refused, saying that he doesn't want to work a minimum wage job anymore/doesn't want to ride the bus/will do it when school starts.

I think I already know what most of your replies will be. It just seems like our feelings are strong for each other, but our roads aren't meant to cross. I just keep hoping that he's going to suddenly click and get it together - but I always wonder if I'm just going down a dead end.

Thanks guys,

L

Fellow Canadian, I'm assuming

That's a sucky situation you're in, relationship itself is great but it doesn't sound like he's willing to change and if a person doesn't want to change, they aren't going to. I don't think you'll be happy in the long run being with someone who isn't going anywhere and having to support him, since you sound determined and ambitious with clear career goals.

Do yourself a favor and get rid of this guy. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but any guy who is 26 years old and is dating a high school student has some serious maturity issues, especially since you seem to be the more mature and ambitious partner. I am not trying to put down high school kids, but your life experience and understanding of the world is far removed from what most 26 year-olds have experienced--living on your own, working a full-time job, traveling, attending college, owning a home, etc. I am your boyfriend's age and what his peers would call him? A loser. You are clearly attracted to some of the qualities that he possesses that are age appropriate (for him), which is most likely because you are beyond maturity for your age group--which is not a bad thing! Put yourself first and make that maturity work in your favor: focus on your studies, go to college, get a job and find a mate who can treat you as an equal, not a crutch or a bank account.

There's one huge part which you have not arrived at yet.

The college stage.

And that is pretty much behind him.

So are you going to base the relationship on his career?

What your peers say?

Or solely on love between you two?

Or does a decent paying job and qualifications part of how much you love?

EDIT

Yes there is the stage at where you two are as well.

If you were in your early-mid 20's then there may be a greater chance than now of you two working out.

What is an awareness test?

You sound to be very mature and have very high goals. The mismatch in aspirations sounds like it's going to be a continuing problem. Can you see yourself as a dentist later on with a partner that doesn't have a high school diploma or a good job? Personally, diplomas and such mean little to me--despite the fact that I'll be going far in my own formal education--but my partner's job is definitely important (he can't be working at Subway while I'm setting up my own private counselling practice, for example). So I do understand your concern.

But the other thing to keep in mind is that dentistry, marriage, house, kids, etc. are all years and years in the future. Is it good enough that your boyfriend is showing the desire to change and taking the steps to start upgrading his life, or do you need it to happen instantly? I don't see why you are looking at this like it's a "dead-end." It sounds like he's trying--he even went back to school. After 7 years of being a chef, maybe it will just take him a little longer to get used to academia again, whereas you've been surrounded by school everyday for most of your life and probably don't see what's so difficult about applying yourself. And maybe in the end going back for general schooling won't suit him, but he can still find a good career, maybe take a 2 year program of some sort, work in the trades, whatever.

About what others have said about the age gap, without knowing you or him, it's ridiculous to assume that he's immature or a loser because he's 26 and dating a high school student. You sound bright to me, maybe YOU are the one with the mentality of a 26 year old, rather than him being the one with the mentality of a 17 year old.

What is an awareness test?

About what others have said about the age gap, without knowing you or him, it's ridiculous to assume that he's immature or a loser because he's 26 and dating a high school student. You sound bright to me, maybe YOU are the one with the mentality of a 26 year old, rather than him being the one with the mentality of a 17 year old.

Your last line is exactly what I was saying--she is clearly mature for her age and most likely attracted to the qualities in him that time has imbued upon him. However, despite him "going back to school" he has failed, thus he is not applying himself. And to be careless and accrue tickets and these sorts of things? This is all evidence of someone who has no respect for himself or how his actions affect and effect those around him. Sometimes it does take a while for someone to figure out what path is best for them to take in life, but there are ways to go about figuring it out that are not reckless and apathetic. OP, I just hope that his careless tendencies do not end up dragging you down because you care about him--because that does happen. Love for another is important, but love for oneself is most important. Put yourself first in this situation.

I don't think the problem here is the age gap, but the fact that the OP and her boyfriend have different ambitions and levels of motivation. She's ambitious and he's not! Heck this happens all the time with people who are the same age.

OP, don't let this guy drag you down...

I'd really think about the qualities you like in him and see if they can outweigh the other problems. The problems of him going back to school, etc., can all be fixed, but you have to decide if it's worth it to stick around.

Hey guys,

Thanks a lot for all your replies. I will take them to heart.

L

I think this guy will just drag you down and hold you back. You can do much better.