sex starved lazy hubby

As every one writes i will try to keep this short, i have been married for over 12 yrs, we have generaly got on well although i feel that he is trying to undermime my confidence. At the beginning if things went wrong he would leave or tell me he would i soon got fed up (2yrs) and said go on then. we had a kid and things settled for a while.

He was always lazy but got worse and for the last 9/10 years sex has been an issue, he does absolutely nothing to help even when i was working. He lost his job and done the basics which ment on my 1 day off i was tearing around trying to get up to date with things. He cannot understand why i dont feel like sex (sex goes on for a few hours each time) he wants to talk about it all the time, keeps grabbing "bits" and thats supposed to make me get turned on i think.

He said he'd had enough and i should get councelling, the 1st session i was told he was to write a list of good and bad points he refused counciller said she could not help! Apparently further down the line i lied and had never been. i tried to explain i need to feel loved and he said Bulls**t. i was then informed if it wasnt for our kid he would have left ages ago we went without sex for 6 months. I couldn't do it his comment hurt! We decided to try again but i explained to him certain things i need help with like decorating etc. he agreed!

He would help (decorate, prune the big tree in garden, built a pond) and would then expect sex. I feel so pressured! next day he would be tired he'd sit in his chair smoking spliffs and i would cook clean etc he would then do something the next week, have sex here we go again. I tried to explain my body/sex is not a bargaining tool he then demanded i go see a counciller again ( i didnt want sex!)as there was something wrong as i had a hang up with sex or a v. low sex drive. a marriage is all about sex - no sex no marriage. During this time i had done a social work course, during this we had a test to do on 2 people so we both done one, my tutor asked whoever filled this form see him after, it was my hubbies. the form indicated someone with disorder possibly Psychopathic tendancies! Actually it does fit!!!

The sexual counciller tried to get him to do a few things he never came to sessions but he was amased there were no books etc (was it the pictures?) she eventually after 6 hour long sessions told me the only problem i had was a direct result of his actions as i fancied other men and sex just not with him she thought it was time for him to see someone! he told me i had to fix up an appointment, this cannot be done through me. He is a liar and has lied about many things even when caught he still denies it and finds it funny.

I don't know what to do, i still think he can be so sweet and kind, i enjoy his company and would really miss him, how can i deal with this...

I have only dealt with women and he said they are biased.

He says he shouldnt have to work all week and then all weekend, his hrs are 8-6 mon-fri about 20 mins away but he leaves the house 6.15-6.30 gets home 5.45-6.30. The only f/male is awful so no affair! Other men who take a pride in their homes decorate and diy stuff at weekends, i dont expect every weekend for him to do diy.

I resent i have to do everything even clear up after him, (he does put his dirty clothes in the basket now!!!!)

This is a sad situation really. Of course, based on your description it would be easy to dismiss him as a monster and tell you to leave him, but I don't think that's the first solution here, and neither is it one that you are readily seeking.

The plain fact is, both of you feel unloved in this marriage, and this is the origin of the sex problem *from both sides*. From your side, you say, in common with most women, that you need to feel loved to have sex, and that his rather low performance in other areas of his life combined with his apparent lack of respect and affection for you is the reason you are turned off by him. From his side, in common with many men, he would say that he needs to have sex to feel loved, and undoubtedly the persistent sexual rejection is crushing him on a daily basis.

You will perhaps not like me saying this, but if things are going to improve, there needs to be a concerted effort on both sides. Clearly, he has to improve, not only in practical terms around the house, but in his attitude towards you, which may be reflected by him helping more, but also being more loving, tender, respectful etc.. Similarly, though, you have to accept that he is what he is at present, and that any improvement (such as putting his dirty clothes in the laundry basket) has taken him quite an effort, and he should be encouraged. Telling him, after he's done what you required and tried to help out, that sex is not a bargaining tool, is hardly conducive to making things better even if it's true.

My point, in short, is that while he certainly doesn't respect you at the moment, I don't think you respect him either, and both of you need to change your attitudes to each other for things to work out. Substantial change on one side (his) cannot be sustained without substantial change on the other (yours). Just as you get to say what you need from him (respect, help and through that, love), he gets to say what he needs from you (sex, and through that, love), and both of you need to try and be accommodating. If you don't want to, then you shouldn't remain together.

I know that's probably not quite what you wanted to hear, but it is an honest opinion about the only way I think things can succeed.

There's a book you simply must read. It's called "Babyproofing Your Marriage". It's all about the whole sex/chores thing.

karvala, thanx and your right it isnt what i want to hear as i heard this about 5 years ago, i acted on the advice similar to yours and we talked, we started having sex regularly but after only 4 weeks he slowely slid back. he wouls bang away until 3-5am, id get up with the kids about 7amhe'd stay in bed till 10-11am and then wonder why i was tired. He would then sulk and immediately presume it was going back again. Then i was told i was boring but i was so tired. i couldnt nap as he would then decide that he would have to do that leaving the kids on their own. Guess what i continued for a further 2 weeks cuddles etc, but told him to shut up when we sat in the lounge from 10am - 3pm with him going on about what he wants us to do and other sex related issues. this was becomeing a bore every sun he wants to sit smoke spliffs and discuss fantasy world. i have kids and other chores. i cant handle this. sex therepist said he has severe sex mental probs and to try it his way - who's f**king body is this? i tried but after 2 weeks (no long talks and sex times limited for 2 hrs (under her advice)) once again he was sullen and totaly unhelpful. if your interested i will try this again, he has offered to help on sat - i will let you know what happens coz normaly on sunday he is feeling ok after (His words) ok sex so can relax and do nothing and i get kids saying y is dad grumpy have i done something else. for the purpose of this i will try my hardest to make it really easy for him to be cheerfull and loving. back on mon......

cheers im on benifits and am struggling financialy so this is why i have gone online to try and find a way. i rely do not have the money for books.

i have honestly tried several ways i have been 2x to sex counciling 1st time ha said i lied 2nd time he took none of the advice y is it me trying and him not? i dont wanna loose him but im not sure i can go on.. i think he is hoping i will be given a female form of viagra he has suggested the date rape drug he loves pills and potions and thinks they are the answers to all problems. i have recently explained despite my feelings i think it would be better to split coz there must be a guy who would enjoy a relationship with me and sex and may take an interest in his home

Unless it is your wish to be the reward and punisher using your own pleasure as the tool of punishment.

There has to be another way.

During the baby years you have to schedule time together. Sponteneity is not going to work.

Hire a sitter and a gardener.

If you can't afford them, well, some things can slip a bit, ya know?

Stay connected to your husband if you love him. Stop trying to think of every way he is bad to you. He loves you and seems sex obsessed because he wants and loves you and is showing his affection in the way most men do--not in a female way.

You are not understanding him.

Yes, yes, yes, before you get annoyed at my comments, he is not understanding you.

So you can either continue to be mad at him and punish him for it by not even trying to change things between you two, or you can make the first move to solve this romantic impasse.

BTW, it is not pills and potions that will solve this.