"She doesn't like us" : Exploring Catastrophic Thinking

Day One:

"She doesn't like us", she says half-joking and half-seriously.

I look to the source of the voice. Five sitting in a group.

Me accross the room. Standing alone drinking my drink. Glancing from the ones at the table, glancing at the ones at the counter.

Half in and half out of two conversations.

Half in and half out of two points of contact.

"Why don't you come sit down with us? We won't bite. You don't have to stand there"

I know that. Did you ever think that I don't want to sit so close to all of you? It's not that I don't like you, it's that it scares the pants off me. Damn. There is no way to explain all of this without looking like a freak. Well, at least this is better than being called a snot. It's an outright invitation.

.............

When he leans in casually to see, as anyone would do, my body pulls away without me even realizing it.

Then I see what I have done, lean back, cross my arms, and made a bad joke.

Laugh nervously.

Oh man, I blew it.

He thinks I'm nervous and stupid now.

Maybe I am, but it's not because of what you think.

...............

I'm frightened to let anyone close to me. Physically. Emotionally. Is it any wonder I get lonely?

There. Now I can work on it.

...............

I joined them.

I tried to put myself in their shoes.

I told myself "hey, maybe they aren't thinking what you think they are thinking. Maybe they are, and it doesn't matter unless you make it matter.

Maybe they just don't care one way or another."

I asked questions. I tried to make someone else comfortable for once. Even forgot my own discomfort sometimes.

I don't understand why; but there's always been a division. Those who are safe, and those who aren't safe.

Those who are safe usually seem to be in need in some way. There is no awkwardness there, no risk.

They are in need, or they are vulnerable, or they are predictable as a calendar in their responses.

Someone who is not safe;

That'd be someone who doesn't seem to be in need at all. And that'd be someone who puts a lot of focus on me. Asking questions, listening, or trying to get close.

Those who are not safe, those would be the ones where there is little practice in me in empathizing and identifying as.

Strength, Largeness, Relaxed, Successful, Satiated, Whole, Happy, Sociable, Funny, Entertaining, Vigorous, Worldly.

That'd also be where the threat can overload my own thinking to the point where I begin to let myself off the hook, and ME is all that is important. The world collapses, and decisions suddenly become fused with fear.

Today was marvelous.

Face everything and recover.

It's as simple as that.

So strange. Lately have been feeling detached. Not in the usual way. Not in the apathetic, out of this world and body, disturbed and dis dis dis way.

No.

In a "take a moment and look around you first" kind of way.

There is no rush.

The sky is not falling.

This is my time to focus on me. Once and for all, it is time. I can be me and I can take it without feeling guilty.

Clip:

We can heal from the original trauma, and we can heal from the PTSD conditions that have plagued us since the trauma. The basic steps of PTSD recovery programs provide helpful guidelines:

1. an environment that is physically and emotionally safe

2. treatment for addictive behaviors

3. patience: PTSD recovery takes time

4. caring attachments

5. restore sense of mastery

6. rest and relaxation

7. recall the traumatic event(s) in small steps

8. gradually assimilate painful feelings and memories

9. fully experience fear, anger, shame, guilt, depression

10. grieve one’s losses

1) Check

2) Yes. Check.

3) Tell me about it! Check mostly.

4) Sort of. They exist, but they could be stronger, more satisfying, and more of them.

5) That is at what I'd consider a 4 out of 10. Working on that at present.

6) Ditto to number 5. The anxiety and other neg thinking often has me compromising this as a priority.

7) Superficially. And I feel it coming on and wanting to come out now. Quite insistently.

I feel that rush, that mind flood of memories coming on again. Another round is surely coming up. I can feel it in every part of me.

Core, core, stuff. Real. It here.

8) Been doing that all along, haven't I?! Ooof. Probably a 2 out of 10 on that one.

9) Not yet. Know it's coming around the bend. The difference this time is that I have more ability to face it. More awareness. More coping skills so that it does not need to be an unhealthy experience. I can feel it as it is this time round.

10) I will be very happy to see you.

...................

I still am not sure why Saturdays are so hard for me. It's been so as long as I can remember now, since well all of this.

No matter what. Consistent as a clock. Weird. How did I not notice it so simply before.

Something must have happened. I have a feeling I'm going to find out real soon.

...................

I'm worried about my little brother. I'm worried and I'm scared for him right now.

I hope I can do this. I want it so, so bad.

Scared that I'm gonna be abandoned again.

Scared that I'm gonna lose it all too fast again.

Scared that I'm resigned to coping instead of living. Always having to fight.

F that! Sick of fighting. Give me a cradle, build me a cradle. That's why boredom is luxury to me.

"Why do you give up so much?"

Fie. Fie! Fie!

I've never given up my will to live. Not once. Did you ever hear me saying suicide was an option? Cheating? Lying?

NO.

Never has been, never will.

You did, babies, you did. Loser.

So excuse me if somewhere along the way, yes, I did give up on HAVING IT ALL.

MY DREAMS.

MY HOPES.

MY FUTURE.

Was trying to survive, and you told me you'd be there for me. Help me learn all about living again. Share with me, walk with me, fight with me, love with me, stay with me.

Perhaps, just perhaps, you know you son of a /, I was telling the truth when I told ya I didn't expect to live this long??!!

I was telling the truth!! I didn't plan for this. I didn't think I'd make it this far.

Then. Only to have you look upon me as someone who GIVES UP?!

You have got to be kidding me.

You. You who sits there in terminal boredom from the day you met this world. "give me excitement" "show me I am alive" "make life interesting for me" "ohhhh, the whole world is out to imprison me and tell me how to live! "

"ohhhhh, waaaaahhh, they want me to follow rules and to do things a certain way"

wahhh wahhh little baby. waah wahhh .

It's cause you know nothing about mortality. You still think you are going to live forever, that all this is gonna be around forever. Oh, unless you decide to resist it and change things.

Oh yeah right. The world revolves around you. Nobody and nothing changes, it's an institution, one big mass instituion with nothing better to do than oppress you and be working agianst you.

Wake up. It's aint' so. And I ain't the one who gave up!

You were the one who never started. Loser. No tolerance for anything, no attnetion span, no focus, no vision, ...not even a nightmare vision.

Ha! You're a joke and you dare to tell me I'm the one who was rolling over?

You don't get it . And you won't, until real pain and chance comes down upon your life like lighting and you see once and for all that it all isn't up to you. It isn't a game. It's LIFE. Loser.

You take it all for granted.

I do savour every little bit I get. And guess what...ha!....I am choosing to no longer abandon myself as my experience has told me that anyone can do, any one has the ability to abandon...

Nope. I'm here and I'm here to stay. And I won't abandon myself this time.

You're screwed. Nothing can stop me when I am present. Even death.

As "promised" and my gut told me would happen, the memories are visiting.

I'm trying hard to be welcoming. Gee, thanks for stopping by. I'm listening. You are wanted here.

But it's not exactly my idea of fun.

Places have power. Now having to go back to those places. Feel moved to do it. Like I don't really have the choice.

I know I have the choice, but feel it is something I have to do.

Do you remember me? I am a woman now. See my face. Is there anything there you recognize about me? Have I changed or have I stayed too much the same?

I remember. I remember the people. The places. What happened. The truth.

I may have only been young, but I was never stupid.

The blood never does completely leave a person's skin. The hate, it changes them, it changes them forever. The loss. It's forever.

Perhaps I've grown stronger, or perhaps I just know it better now. The strength I always had.

Does it even matter?

Does it make it worth it? No. I'm sorry, to me, it doesn't.

I lived it and I will have my peace with it. It is the only thing to do.

I really want to share it all now. And make something beautiful come of it. Or help somebody else. Mostly, I want to share it and put it in perspective and memorialize it and have something to look at and say "See. I told you it was real. I told you. It was important. It changed my life. See. "

And to visit, and cry once in a while, and to not be forgotten but not be lived every day, to not dictate the now.

The past is the past, and part of today, and parts of the future ,but it's a confusion to think it IS today, it is the Future.

I can't pretend anymore, and I don't see the point. I am no longer ashamed.

So be it.

Man, going through a tough spot right now. :sad:

So sad, so sad and not knowing what to do with it, so there is so much anger.

This is weird. I'm not getting angry the way I used to. I get irritated, sure. I get frustrated. Very frustrated.

I feel over welmed a lot.

The old hostility is breaking up. I don't really want to hurt people, myself included.

I don't want to, but I do. And now I can see it a bit better.

How I push people away, and pull them in tight, and swivel and swirl and space out and black out for periods of time.

I can imagine being someone else interacting with me. I'm not sure how others do it. Really.

It perplexes and intrigues me how it has been done. How anyone has come to care for me, get close to me, be happy with me. Anything.

Even, tolerate me.

There's that lady with the squinty eyes. Ready to pounce on me if I slip up.

First time we met, we were both in a huff. Ready to blow.

Well, that lady sure let me have it.

Damn, I thought, why did you have to go and do that? It's true I was irritated when I first spoke, but it was not especially rude what I said. In fact, it wasn't rude at all except that you had worn my patience even further by overlooking me.

A simple acknowledgement, yes, that is what I wanted.

Ok, you wanted it too.

Yet I helt my tongue, I didn't throw back in kind, I held back and tried to be kind. Tried to be patient, to understand it from your point of view.

Now when I see those squinty eyes, I see the hurt and I see the fear and I see the wariness like you are just waiting to be hurt.

Let me at them. I know they are after me. I'll get you first, they say.

And now you talk to me. Bending over backwards. How did this happen? I'm laughing with joy every single time.

But I gotta be so careful. I gotta watch myself.

First slip or irritation from me, I know you will on me again.

And it made me think of myself. So this is what it must be like getting close to me.

So scared and ready to bite. So willing and desperate to please. To be pleased. Deeply.

The anger now I see is the trap. It is the place where my head hits the wall. NO ENTRY. Not for you. No no no.

I have been feeling deficient and somewhere along the line there even convinced myself I was deficient. As a person. As a human being.

Whoooooshh! Like cold air beating down and through me. I feel so damn exposed.

So damn exposed. But no one is paying attention. There is no audience. There is no one seeing me naked. There is no one touching me. I feel as though I touch no one else.

Only me.

What in the hell. This is very new. So I get to longing for everything and everyone that I've ever known.

I want to share, yet I don't. It could go both ways.

It is so weird. I don't even know how to describe it.

I feel the heavy weight of reservation. Saying this that and the other. There are things to do, things we practice, ways things work, laws, there is the futility of dying on those hills.

I feel my own limitations. They weigh so heavily.

I feel the stupid joy of being alive. It makes no sense. Honest to god joy.

Food.

Dance.

Music.

Big sky, leaves falling, the prospect of snow, water coursing down my skin.

Ants and flies and fur balls and all these living beings. So beautiful. Hello! How did I miss all that we can share. I don't know. I don't know.

I feel lust and the restlessness of my body for another.

How it all comes together, I don't know.

I can now sit and be with someone and not feel the urge or need to tell it all. To want to share it all. To decide how things will go.

I feel greater intimacy and strange distances. What I want to do and say isn't exactly clear. I'm on hollow ground. Ground zero. Start over. Make something out of this.

I feel curiosity and passion and motivation, with little clear direction. Little plan or organization.

I feel somehow neutralized and gutted. Something has been neutralized. Peace is coming down on me.

I don't feel the need to perpetuate all the anxious old habits.

Yet I'm not quite there , I'm not quite here. Where am I?

I miss someone from long ago, and feel I should have moved on, expected to be moved on, and if he only knew, would he laugh at me or turn me away and if he didn't , would that even be healthy.

Can I see him again?

Is it ridiculous? Crazy?

I ache for him and it's not left me yet. Will it ever. Do I want it to. A big part of me, doesn't.

I want to be known. Remember that. Deeply known. Again. Let's again. I want to love and know again.

How?

Weeeee..I feel as though I am coming close to full circle. Strange.

That moment when you are suspended, already made the jump and falling in free air enjoying the ride. Waiting for feet to hit that new ground.

Yes!

Full circle. Part obituary, part love song, part scream to life. Part dedication.

I came down

But my head went up

I had no doubts

And hope there was not

Break it loose

Spread the news

Get it loud

Make it loud

Sing it!

I got it comin´ there is nothing that can stop me

I feel it comin´ there´s no limit to the free me

The sky is open and the angels sing it so clear

I am the winner over all these hidden fears

Be true to yourself!

I have found

I once was lost

I came round

To see what it costs

Kick it up

To the top

There´s a lot

That I got!

Hear it!

Don´t wanna look back, got to start to see the future

Don´t wanna hold back got to let it out and to ya

The bomb is ticking, I know it´s gonna blow up

Right now there´s nothing, no one,

nowhere that can make it stop!

Be true to yourself

I haven't felt this f/ed in a long time. My stomach hurts, cramping up, feel numbed out and freaked out.

And I gotta go to work .

I just totally left my body tonight. Something snapped inside. I feel dead inside.

Oh lord please, please let this pass quickly! Let it be only very temporary.

I feel like I might throw up, faint, or pass out tonight. Almost want to call in sick. But what am I sick with? I dunno what the hell is happening.

Maybe I should go to the doctor tomorrow. This isn't normal.

That wasn't fun. It calmed down, somewhat, after lying down and resting for half an hour or so and just breathing.

I noticed it hurt more and was worse if I was thinking of how much it hurt, how much it wasn't normal.

I think it's possible that it was a panic attack or something similiar.

It helped to talk to someone, that's what I did next before walking into work. Gabbered for about half an hour. I could tell it upset him, but I had to talk about it. I knew it would get worse if I tried to keep it all inside and pretend like everything was all ok like usual. This time I needed to talk. And that old habit of the shaking hands and body was going. So, I really do think it was probably anxiety gone very bad.

Work was alright. Nothing out of the ordinary.

My mind was going a hundred miles an hour today with a mix of anxiety and enthusiasm. Wanna do this, wanna do that, isn't this great/interesting, isn't this a bummer.

I'm still not real sure why that happened last night. Maybe from the little trip out, and realizing we are all getting older, and once again what I haven't done and so want to do, and what I wish I was doing but things aren't working out as I want right now.

I won't give up, but i sure hope that doesn't happen again.

I'm feeling a bit better. I'm taking that ^^ ickiness as a message to make some changes, mix things up, get down to business, have some fun, stimulate and challenge myself.

Now is as good a time as any.

My new mantra " Are you giving arbitrary deadlines so that you can avoid this again? Why a few months from now, a year? Live it now. Now is all you know you have."

Annie's words on my other thread stuck. Just go out there and act 'as if'.

Thanks Annie. I love it.

As if...I were happy.

As if...all were going great.

As if...I could do anything.

I'm having a good time. Let's see what happens next.

Well, I've been crying and thinking about dad a lot.

It suddenly hit me while I was crying in bed, that I'm finally grieving for him. !4 years later.

I think it's not a coincidence that it's happening now, with all the health problems of you know who.

I can feel myself moving in a deep way. Letting the past go. Feeling and grieving for that stuff once and for all right where it counts.

But it really does feel to me like dad was gone just yesterday, again. It's like I blocked that out so completely. It's kinda spooky how I did that.

It's starting to make sense. I'm starting to feel better. But this week, I really miss my daddy.

Ohh, now I'm just tired and lonely. Not horribly lonely, and not even unhappy lonely.

Simply lonely. There are some places in my life that need some attention.

I just don't want to have to explain things for a while.

A few days ago, there was an incident that kinda shook me up. Ok, I was humiliated but at the same time, it honestly got me thinking. I wanted to let go, but didn't quite know how, didn't quite know how to accept something given.

My friends have had to fight and withstand some real harshness, stubborness, and negativity (you are out to get me! type of thinking You are only out to use this against me, later! type of thinking. You look down on me! Type of thinking).

Anyhow, I knew when she was here and helping me - as I sat and tried to compose myself, tried to express myself, told her 'don't, please. Don't insult me. Leave it alone. Don't help - I can do it myself! It makes me feel like you are taking over and it isn't mine. I need things to be mine! Can't you understand?"

something inside went off and I knew how unreasonable and scared I was.

Yes, sometimes I need help.

Yes, there are people who are willing to give it to me.

And more often than not, I won't let them. I close people out.

I'm scared bc I know if I don't fix this, it will only get worse. The older I get, the more I want these good deep friendships, the more I feel I need them too. And I want to give. I want to.

I just don't always want to.....share.

So I guess I need to deal with this.

How and where would a man even fit in my life right now, as it stands? Nowhere, not even a man of gold.

I wouldn't even let him in to my own place, and besides, there is nothing here for a man. I've gotten used to, maybe too used to, the way things are as they are with me. Running the show, not having to balance at all.

I sort of feel like a failure. Failure to..be open enough, gentle enough, work with others in partnerships enough.

It's disheartening. I just want to be loved, and have the good things in life, like most other people, but can't seem to ever get my act together enough to make it all work.

When? How long.

So. The arrangements have been made so that I can go and have a real private service with dad. It'll be the few of us, and I'm almost done his letter.

Then, I can go visit the other cemetery and make my peace there. I haven't gone yet, and it is time I do. I have that letter to write yet.

I'm doing good. The fatalism and catastrophic ways are falling away from me now.

I think he might be proud of me. I am proud of me.

To note: I've realized lately that bro seems to think of me as much of as a mother as a sister. Our relationship is a strange and strong one.

Well, there are certain things that need straightening out there. And I've started the ball rolling.

The initial resistance is strong! But I can tell that somewhere inside he understands how it is necessary and healthy. The first fights are strong but there is already evidence that he wants a lot of the same things I want.

But I have this sense the little bugger was indeed waiting and wanting me to lead the way.

Life will be a whole lot difference and better once this is all settled. I'm looking forward to it. For me. For him. For all of us.

It's a new chapter. Hoorah.