Ask For Advice
Results 1 to 9 of 9

Thread: Men with low self-esteem

  1. #1
    missklew
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    62

    Men with low self-esteem

    How do I deal with a man with low self-esteem? Should I even bother?

    My bf seems to have pretty low self-esteem. He is very negative about himself. I don't think it affected me at first but now it is really starting to bring me down.

    I'm more successful than he is and I didn't think it was a problem before but now I think he is jealous and resentful that I do well.

    He had an incident where he is doing something on his job that he is very unhappy with and he gives me the silent treatment. Of course it took 2 days for him to tell me what was up and now I haven't heard from him anymore.

    I am ticked off that he is taking stuff out on me and that is what he is doing with his mood swings and silent treatment. He seems to thrive on negative attention too.

    Before I really knew him he always said that no girl would ever give him a chance and that he would never have a girlfriend. This is a frequent thing I hear on forums from very shy men and those with low self-esteem. I also hear that because he doesn't think anyone could like him there must be something wrong with anyone who does like him.

    Well I gave him a chance and now this is what I get?

    I suspect he will be silent for a few days to a week or whatever and then contact me like nothing's wrong and I am just supposed to accept that?

    I feel like saying what am I supposed to do hop up and down because you feel like speaking to me again?

  2. #2
    Batya33
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    43,115
    Thanked
    3085
    No - you're not "supposed to" accept anything - you accept what is compatible with your values and consistent with your boundaries. Sounds like you knew about his negativity from the beginning so the thing to do is, think about what attracted you to him in the first place and see if those attributes make up for the negativity.

  3. #3
    missklew
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    62
    Batya33, I think you give wonderful advice on here for many different situations.

    Do you think I should just wait until he contacts me to say something or do you think I should say something to him now? What would you say?

    Yes I did realize his negative thinking but he hadn't taken things out on me before. He would come to me and gripe about bad things that happened to him. I would rather hear him gripe about stuff than him taking it out on me with the silent treatment.

    Another thing I didn't mention was I had some cosmetic surgery and I am wondering if he is insecure about that? He was very very sweet before and after the surgery.

  4. #4
    Batya33
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    43,115
    Thanked
    3085
    I would simply tell him that it's fine to be disappointed/upset/negative but it's not fine to take it out on you by giving you the silent treatment. If he tells you respectfully that he needs some space that is fine unless of course it is a weekly thing (or monthly, or whatever would be "too much") and unless you had specific plans, etc - then it's fine once in a blue moon but not as a steady diet. He can't use the "negativity/low self esteem" excuse to treat you badly. Then, if he still continues to behave that way you can decide at that time whether it's going to work.

    As far as the cosmetic surgery - he is an adult and part of being in a relationship is to try to avoid the other person having to guess "why" you are acting in a certain way. You can ask him if that is the reason.

    Thanks for your compliment! I try.

  5. #5
    missklew
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    62
    Thank you. That is what I will do then.

    I suspect he will deny he is taking it out on me. He will say he doesn't have a problem.

    Well if he doesn't have a problem then why is he sulking and not speaking to me for days?

  6. #6
    Samedy
    Platinum Member Samedy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Calgary
    Posts
    1,937
    Gender
    Male
    It sounds like he's issues are more than just self-esteem/self-confidence. To me, it sounds like he dislikes himself so much, he won't give the outside a chance to get in. This might be the result of low self-esteem, but there seems to be something else going on there. There are plenty of nice/happy shy people out there....

  7. #7
    edjuvreason
    Member edjuvreason's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Age
    30
    Posts
    26
    Gender
    Female
    I dated a guy who was SO backward he could not even conceive of me being nice to him ... and when I was, he automatically assumed I was being fake and interpreted everything I said as a lie.

    It can be extremely hard to accept that, especially considering that people can be reached ... some of them don't WANT to be reached.
    Some of them WANT to be miserable and WANT to have people be mean to them. They enjoy being mistreated ... but only because then they have more excuse to be miserable.
    (That might seem mean and unkind, but I grew up in a family of people like that, and have known a few -- and dated a few! -- since.)

    I hope your boyfriend is not one of them. But if you find he is, you absolutely must get out of the situation before you get sucked into the same cycle of misery.
    Keep us posted ... ! Good luck.

  8. #8
    missklew
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    62
    I suppose some people do want to be mistreated, the whole dominant submissive thing.

    I think he feels he gets a lot more sympathy and attention from talking about how bad things are plus it is a good excuse not to do things or be held accountable for things. If you are a pathetic loser then people feel sorry for you and you don't have to live up to any expectations.

    It may work at first but after awhile people get tired of it and think geez just get up off your lazy butt and do something.

    I think he tends to exaggerate too. His problems are the absolute worst of anyone. If someone says they are poor then he is 10 times as poor as they are.

    He seems to forget or not mention all the good things he does have going on in his life.

  9. #9
    MissIndigo
    Gold Member MissIndigo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    where I always wanted to be!
    Posts
    581
    I know people like this as well as dated someone with the characteristics you've described here.

    In the case of a particular friend of mine, her low self-esteem manifests itself as aggression and blame towards others when she cannot mesh well with her team at work. Miscommunication abounds, because the work is all about her and oh my god it's so tragic when she can't get what she wants. (You know the tone of how people express their discord in circumstances like these.) Then she'll try to compensate for her feelings by making jokes, when honestly don't come accross as all that funny. I'm looking for my distance from said friend; it should happen soon naturally.

    When I first read your post I wondered if perhaps your BF came accross at first as a confident, sociable person (the friend I'm describing above also did). An old BF of mine acted this way as we were getting to know each other, and once he had me hooked, then his neediness and low opinions of himself came out, also aggressively in the way he would word his concerns to me. Eventually I got fatigued and left the relationship as what attracted him to me no longer held up.

  10.  

Top Threads
Should I pay?
My girlfriend and I broke up in February. We've managed to stay good friends since then despite it being quite difficult at times. When we were
Should I be concerned about my GF and her friday night "business" meetings?
I am wondering what to think here. Without going into many details, I'm dating a girl I used to date years ago. She was unfaithful then. We did not
Looking for a Birthday present for my bf, connected to the modern tech
Hi, guys I'm quite lost as my bf is turning 29 soon and I have no idea what to get him. He is into modern technology, we have VR headset at home
He doesn't know when to leave...literally
My boyfriend of about six months is a great guy, but he is not great on picking up unspoken cues, and this particularly comes out when it is time to
Boyfriend got another woman pregnant
Hi, I'm new here, not posted before so hopefully this is in the right place (and I can figure out how to read responses!) I'm in a really
Problems after threesome
I could really do with some advise as unfortunately my go to gal for this type of thing is involved so don't know where else to turn I have been
Can't seem to stop thinking about (emotionally abusive?) ex.
Ok so long story, but im struggling. I ended up dating someone I met online for around 4-5 months. It was a long distance (sort of relationship)

Expert Advice
Featured Threads
I love you, but I'm not in love with you.
So my fiancÚ of 7.5 years has decided she isn't in love with me anymore so has broken up with me. Our situation is very complicated we have a 2.5
How far should I go with unfriending/blocking on social media?
Hi all, I'm going hard no contact. She originally unfriended me on Snap and Twitter. I recently unfriended her on FB and IG. I also went a step
missing atm
I think what I miss at the moment is having a friend to talk to like we used to. She became the only person I really talked to for the better part
Mum boyfriend inapropriate
Hi everyone, thought i would share an update on whats happened so far. Thankyou all for helping me out yesterday, everything you all said was really
Girlfriend always mad at me
Me and my girlfriend have been togetehr for almost a year. I love her more than anything and i know shes not cheating on me or anything like that
I [F/26] found underwear in my boyfriend's [M/30] pocket.
I've been with my boyfriend for over a year. Recently, my boyfriend asked me to look for some money, so I looked everywhere and I couldn't find it. I
Ex gf text me out of the blue
I guess I just want some feedback and honest replies as my head is completely gone again. Me and my ex gf have been in no contact for a few months
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •