Article on Relationships and spirituality. What do you think ?

Spirituality And Relationships

by Bruce Crapuchettes

Printed in the journal called, "Psychotherapy In Australia" Vol 4 No 1

November 1997

In a survey of spirituality through the ages, Bruce Crapuchettes

suggests its main contemporary use is to heal the wounded self through

the committed relationship.

A mature man . . . that is what I want to become. But what exactly is

a mature man? How will I know when I have arrived? What will it feel

like? I have a hunch that maturity is one of the outward

manifestations of something much deeper - spirituality.

WHAT IS SPIRITUALITY?

There seems to be some agreement among the world¹s great thinkers that

we are all on a journey, whose objective is described in many ways: to

become whole, mature, centred, grounded, integrated, aware, conscious,

fully human, God-like. Words like soul, spirit, heart, and mind

describe those deepest parts of our being which most excite and

disturb us.

Harville Hendrix (1988) says that human beings yearn for their

original essense and wholeness, that they long to become healed, to

feel fully alive, to have access to all their functions (sensing,

acting, feeling, thinking), and to have a sense of relaxed joyfulness,

something he calls "spiritual."

When embarking on a spiritual path, we often start by creating a

mental image of our intended destination. Slaves in the old south sang

about heaven because they believed they would never find bliss on this

earth, never, it seemed, become "real human beings" in their lifetime.

Heaven, the sweet bye and bye, was where some day their spirits would

be free, whole and alive. But while they believed that their hearts

sang of a distant future, I am guessing that their inspiration came

from a long-forgotten past, a faint memory from deep within. They felt

an innate yearning to recapture their birthright - the original

essense with which they, and all of us, were born, that of full

aliveness and wholeness.

Here is my definition: Spirituality is the process of transcending the

self, transcending the limitations of our evolutionary and learned

reactivities, and creating meaning for ourselves through attunement to

the structure of the world (which consists of matter, energy and

interconnectedness). Engaging in love (agape) is the spiritual

discipline that puts us on the spiritual path.

When we approach the world from a spiritually unevolved place, we see

ourselves as all important in the universe and come from an egocentric

perspective which we need in order to experience meaning. But as a

result of our spiritual quest, we can derive our meaning as part of

the whole, not the centre of it, we are able to see ourselves as a

minute particle of the universe, yet fully important because we are

part of the whole, ie. if we were missing, the whole would not be

complete. We move from egocentric to interconnected.

In the religious tradition this act of transcendence was accomplished

by surrendering to God, the centre, who thus forced us off centre

stage. As physicists and cosmologists have grown in their knowledge

and understanding of the universe, we moderns have come to realize

there is no centre of the universe. The first law of thermodynamics

says that everything is moving toward disorder, randomness rules.

While this realization could precipitate an existential depression in

some, others, who choose to live intentional lives and become more and

more conscious, can instead create meaning from their relatedness to

the whole. The process of transcending the self brings about an

awareness of belonging to the whole and makes it possible to create

meaning of every moment of our lives, even in a universe where there

may be no inherent meaning. We can daily create meaning if we choose.

But in order to do this, we must first experience healing.

THE PLACE OF HEALING HAS SHIFTED THROUGH HISTORY

Many significant shifts have developed throughout the course of

history as to the cultural "place of healing." In America, the most

traditional place of healing has been within religion. Christian

theologians say we are created in the image of God but fell into sin

by rejecting His invitation to remain in communion with Him. God

"forgave us our sins" and invites us to rejoin Him and regain our

original God-like image. The Christian path is a call to original

wholeness through "loving God . . . and loving your neighbour as

yourself." Although some religious leaders have fallen sorrowfully

short of demonstrating unconditional love for all people, Christian

scholars agree that a community of believers - the church - is the

place where all are acceptable in the eyes of God and of each other.

The idea is to feel the unconditional love and acceptance of God, and

through His acceptance, to find self- and other-acceptance.

Using a psychological perspective to explain religious language (which

I do not presume is the only or "right" perspective), God can be seen

as the "good parent." He is reliably present, warm, loving, accepting,

patient, guiding, and appropriately angry. In other words, God offers

the ideal parenting that we needed, but never experienced as children.

In ancient Times, God was too holy for the likes of us to speak

directly with him, so "mediators" emerged. Priests and other religious

leaders became the mediators between ordinary people and God¹s grace;

they, representing God, became the instruments of our healing.

The political winds of self-ownership, individualism and democracy

blew strongly in the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries, and in the

nineteenth, Sigmund Freud ushered in a shift in our thoughts about

emotional/ spiritual healing. Many people wanted to discuss their woes

with a "real" human being who could relate to their life issues and

respond with timely wisdom and understanding. The place of healing

gradually shifted from the church to the couch. Psycho-therapists

became the secular priests for our society, the new "good parents" our

wounded souls had been searching for. Now we could sit in a room with

someone, face to face, and experience the kind of connection that

would bring us closer to feeling alive. This was an exciting shift for

a society feeling increasingly untouched by the people and

institutions its parents and grandparents had looked to for healing.

But society never remains static and new shifts are ever unfolding.

Many have come to believe that the place of healing is within the

self. Meditation is very popular as a spiritual discipline. While this

has always been true in the Eastern tradition, it represents a

significant shift in Western thought development. Like prayer, it is a

process of quieting the mind, body, and spirit so that one might

connect with a "higher power" or "universal intelligence."

Faced with the limitations of religion, psychotherapy, meditation, and

other paths, along with the emergence of self-ownership,

individualism, democracy, and free-choice marriages, the history of

social and spiritual evolution may be making yet another shift in the

place of healing. Hendrix (1988) postulates that the ultimate crucible

for healing and growth is the committed, intimate dyad, the modern

marriage, where the intimate partner becomes the "good parent." First

the priest, then the psychotherapist, and now the intimate other.

RELATIONSHIP TERROR

The disciplines of philosophy, theology, religion, and psychology all

recognize that there is a serious human problem, and are concerned

with finding a solution. Contrary to the conservative theological view

that man had fallen into sin, Freud (1933), Paul Tillich inThe Courage

to Be (1958), and others, concluded that the fundamental disturbance

of being is anxiety brought about by our fear of death. Martin Buber

in I and Thou (1952) identified the anxiety that Freud and Tillich

were talking about as basically a relational fear; the ultimate terror

is not the fear of death per se, but the terror of the ³other,² and

the associated terror of annihilation. If we let the other fully into

our presense, we would lose ourselves and essentially disappear.

Hendrix (1994) says that the single most tragic loss to the human race

is the loss of empathy that this "other-terror" engenders; when we

experience physical or emotional pain, we automatically react by

turning our attention inward and focus our energy on trying to

overcome or relieve it. In other words, we become self-absorbed and

become the centre of our world because of the pressing demands of our

pain. This creates an illusion of separateness: them and me, in fact,

them against me. They don't feel my pain, my hurt, my anxiety, my

terror! So we experience alienation from the other and consequently

lose our capacity for empathy, we come to fear others and treat them

as if they were objects. As long as we remain in pain, our deepest

terror is that of allowing the other¹s reality into our presense

because, in doing so, we fear we will disappear, lose our own

perspective, become extinct.

We have had good training in that often parents convey to their

children that there is only one reality, theirs! Children, in order to

remain connected with their parents and become acceptable family

members, must surrender themselves and their reality. Forced to take

on our parents' reality to please them, we began to split the world

into "me" and "them", into good and bad, right and wrong. We worked

hard as children to present a facade of what we thought was acceptable

(good) and to hide what we thought was unacceptable (bad) in us. This

intense desire to please our parents with the ultimate practical goal

of surviving left us often full of rage or profoundly depressed

because of the loss of our real "Self." We became hurt and wounded

children, and our potential goodness, our original wholeness was

chipped away, dismantled.

This damaged relationship with our parents can be called an

object-subject relationship. And later, just as we were subjected, so

will we "subject" others to a reduction of their self to being an

object, in an attempt to protect ourselves from further injury the way

our parents once objectified us. The only solution to the human

condition, Buber claims, is to reach a place where we psychologically

bring the other into equality with ourselves and develop what he calls

a subject-subject relationship, an I-Thou relationship.

The spiritual journey is about bringing healing and wholeness to our

damaged, split selves. To venture purposefully down this road is to

make a commitment to transcend our woundedness, because out of our

pain, we do things that are hurtful and unloving. It is almost

impossible to separate what is hurtful to others from what is hurtful

to the self, because, ultimately, they are one and the same. The goal

of the journey, then, is to find a way to heal the hurts we

experienced as children and move beyond them and make space to

accommodate the reality of the other. This is love (agape).

TWO KINDS OF WORK

On the journey toward wholeness and aliveness, there are two kinds of

work: growth work and healing work. Hendrix (1992) describes growth

work as modifying our character defenses, and healing work as getting

our emotional needs met (i.e., get our childhood wounds healed).

Because the intimate other triggers our terror of annihilation most,

it is in their presense that the deepest level of growth and healing

can occur. The actual growth and healing potential will be in direct

proportion to the level of commitment and intimacy in the

relationship. This concept of healing through relationship is so

important, that Hendrix recommends that individual clients who are not

in a committed relationship work within the context of a group so that

the "work" will remain relational among equals.

In the adult intimate relationship, partners act as mirrors to one

another. As a result of our childhood pain, we often do not feel good

about ourselves and subsequently, we do not like what we see when our

partner holds up the mirror. We look for an escape from the awful

truth that is staring us in the face. We want our masks back. We want

to run behind our fortress again, to bulldoze and "kill".

The committed, intimate relationship brings on the most intense

experience of the mirror because, once we¹ve committed ourselves,

we¹re essentially force fed a daily diet of cold, hard reality,

there¹s no escape unless we abandon the relationship. Here is where

commitment becomes the absolute cornerstone of growth and healing. We

could opt to run away by filing for divorce, having affairs,

committing suicide, or even losing ourselves in work, TV, or children.

The spiritual journey is to move into a process of closing the escape

routes, a far more difficult, yet infinitely more rewarding choice,

for it propels us toward the full aliveness and relaxed joyfulness we

ultimately seek, and what a laborious process it is! What an

agonizing, terrifying experience to face the most hated parts of

ourselves in our partner and choose to remain rather than run! It

demands a desire and commitment to personal growth and evolution; the

spiritual awakening is the growing awareness that instead of focusing

on what our partner has to do to change, it is all about what we have

to do. Our growth work is to search for our contribution to our

problems, and take our share of the responsibility.

As Imago therapists, we begin with "other-reflection", asking each

partner to take his or her best guess as to what it is about

themselves that upsets their partner. This starts a couple on an

amazing path of realization that there are (at least) two independent

and equally valid realities! Next, we work on modifying our own

character structure in ways that free us to become a healer for our

partner, especially by learning to become "safe" for our partner so

they can relax in our presense and let us in emotionally. This is

indeed a spiritual awakening.

In the religious tradition, spirituality means transcending the Self

by worshipping God. For Hendrix spirituality means transcending the

Self by giving the partner's reality equal validity to ours, pushing

through the terror of annihilation and making room for the other's

existence and point of view.

ALIVENESS VERSUS MEANING

There has been much philosophical and theological attention on

discovering the meaning of our existence, of death, and getting into

relationship with the ultimate. In Hendrix' opinion, this is an

interesting academic exercise, but what our souls really thirst for is

to feel alive!

He points out that Madison Avenue is light years ahead of philosophers

and theologians, for it has discovered the way to sell everything from

soap and toothpaste to cars is to tell us that owning these things

will make us feel more alive. "Your scalp will tingle!" "Your mouth

will feel like a refreshing winter breeze!" "Toyota - oh, what a

feeling!" They don¹t try to tell us how these products will bring more

meaning to our lives. That¹s not what our souls are thirsting for.

What we ultimately yearn for is aliveness, energy, the feeling that

the powers of the very heavens are coursing through our veins!

In fact, aliveness feels so good that we can easily become addicted to

whatever brings us those feelings for even a few moments. Sex.

Chocolate. Business deals. Alcohol. Cocaine. Money. What happens is

that when we experience that aliveness for a moment, we may conclude,

"Good sex - that's the answer!" or "Money - that's the answer!" LSD

can break through the mind's defenses and leave one sitting in the

presense of the core. How thrilling! To be connected with our core

energy is truly a moment of ecstasy. So we may conclude, as Timothy

Leary, that LSD is the answer. Meditation can sometimes give us this

feeling as well, because it can actually alter the chemistry of the

brain. So too can such activities as long distance running, aerobics

and Zen, because endorphins are dumped into the brain.

A "conversion experience" is a similarly powerful and energizing

experience. Recently, an older gentleman, a wealthy businessman, was

dragged reluctantly by his wife to the workshop I regularly lead.

Their marriage was in a state of collapse and they were there as a

last ditch effort. The man introduced himself as skeptical and being

there "only by a thread." During the first part of the workshop, he

remained very quiet and distant, as one would expect under the

circumstances. By the end of day one he had posed a question or two.

On the second day, to my surprise and delight, the couple volunteered

to help demonstrate how to handle anger and rage constructively. After

thinking of something in the relationship that he was feeling

frustrated about, he was able to use my coaching to get into very

energized expressions of anger. Suddenly he got in touch with the deep

sadness behind his rage. Finally, during the last stage of the

exercise where the couple is instructed how to hold each other, he

fell into his wife¹s arms in convulsive sobs and remained there like a

baby to be comforted by her.

Truly a conversion experience for this staid businessman. He was so

excited and energized, he had just tasted a kind of aliveness that he

had never experienced before. As with most converts, it was difficult

for him to stop talking about it.

A conversion experience can feel so powerful that it truly can become

life transforming. It can happen through a near death experience,

during a Billy Graham meeting, or with a drug experience. It is so

energizing to the system that we become convinced for the first time

that "the journey" is really worth traveling. Wow, there is life!

Where we once felt hopeless or lifeless, we now have drunk from the

fountain of life itself. And that delicious taste gives us the energy

to get on with the journey to finding lasting aliveness. A conversion

experience is not healing, it is energizing and gives us the

conviction and a cognitive understanding that there is a path, there

is life. Now we know it and we want it!

It is easy to confuse the thing that induces the feeling with the

actual source of aliveness. Peck (1993) writes that "with alcohol, pot

or coke, for a few minutes or a few hours we may regain temporarily

that lost sense of oneness with the universe. We recapture that

deliciously warm and fuzzy sense of being one with nature once again."

A possible explanation is that we, at our essense, are addicted to our

original aliveness. There is an innate craving inside that draws us to

the feeling.

Rather than settling for aliveness in the transient form however, the

ultimate way to achieve lasting aliveness is to become an integrated

human being, a mature person. We need to eradicate the split inside us

by learning to honour the other and withdraw our projections. Nature

supports this agenda via the chemistry of romantic love, the perfect

catalyst to thrust us hearts first into the ultimate crucible for

growth and healing: the committed, intimate relationship with someone

who, contrary to our first impressions, turns out to be incompatible

and least able to meet our needs!

DIALOGUE: THE MECHANISM FOR REGAINING EMPATHY, EQUALITY, WHOLENESS AND ALIVENESS

For Christian fundamentalists, being "born again" is the mechanism for

regaining wholeness. For Tillich (1952), it is "absolute faith", for

Freud "psychoanalysis." And for many new age thinkers, it may be

"meditation," "holistic medicine" or various forms of "body work."

Hendrix (1988) suggests that the ideal mechanism for achieving

wholeness, and thus experience spiritual evolution, is the

"Intentional Dialogue", a specific way of being in the presense of

another such that one listens fully to the other's reality (by

reflecting back - "mirroring" - what is heard) and validates its worth

as being equal to the worth of their own (usually opposing) reality.

The dialogue takes place within a blanket of warmth and empathy, thus

Mirroring, Validation and Empathy. It is a simple structure, but must

be adhered to carefully to provide a feeling of safety and validation.

Dialogue is the spiritual discipline needed for the journey.

The fear, of course, is that if we validate our partner's reality, we

may devalue our own. Is there really room for both our realities? Dare

we take that chance? Can we really co-exist with full respect and

equal honouring? The dialogue places us face to face with our

vulnerability, our terror of the other, and our bottom-line belief

that there can be only one truth, one reality, ours!

In their acceptance speeches for the Nobel Peace Prize on December 10,

1994, both Arafat and Perez each mentioned they had discovered that

"the only way to find peace in the middle east is through dialogue."

Not "negotiation," but dialogue. Food for the soul, dialogue may be

the new way to truly transcend our selves and our terror of the other.

It brings about our emotional and spiritual evolution so that when we

encounter the "enemy," we can be mature and centred enough to drop the

need to annihilate, nor fall into the terror of being annihilated.

A NEW PATH

Possibly, with our ability for abstract thinking and self-reflection,

we human beings are nature¹s most complex, wondrous, and sophisticated

creatures, the very apex of all creation. Also, perhaps we are the

most wounded and thereforeeee the most harmful creatures to our ecology.

If there is any hope for this planet, nature needs to figure out how

to make mature men and women out of us and guide us to fulfilling our

birthright, that of becoming whole and complete. This might not only

stop damage to our environment, but might put us in constructive

harmony with it.

The goal of the spiritual journey is not to become saved, perfect, or

even good, it is to become integrated. The only way to become "whole"

and to tap into our core energy and feel fully alive, is to withdraw

the projections we put onto others and become one with ourselves, at

ease with ourselves. As we learn to unconditionally accept the

other(s) in our lives, then we become able to unconditionally accept

ourselves. As we are healed by the unconditional love of another, we

become energized to fulfill our dreams and our potential as mature

adults and our creativity will abound unfettered by our childhood

wounds.

Hopefully this is an attainable goal. I am very aware that other

theorists believe that suffering and anguish is often the dynamic that

nourishes creativity, and that we would not have a Van Gogh or a

Nietzsche without their pain. But imagine what these men could have

given the world if their early wounds had been healed and their

creativity not fettered by their pain. Healing, wholeness, and

integration of the psyche are an attainable goal. It may take five or

ten years of conscious work with a committed intimate partner, but it

is attainable in this lifetime.

Possibly our dreams and visions of eternal bliss are not about some

future day in heaven, but are memories, memories of the original

blissful essense with which we enter this world. It is our original

wholeness that our psyches yearn for. We dream of re-finding ourselves

and of re-becoming who we truly are. Sadly, most of us manage only to

get periodic glimpses, tiny tastes of who we really are, and when we

do it is indeed exhilarating. But alas, the "doorway to heaven" swings

shut, and we become lost once again in the search.

To make room for the "other" as being equally worthy and deserving of

our total respect, to transcend our fear of the others with whom we

share this planet starting with our intimate partner, to honour their

existence without fearing our own annihilation, this is the spiritual

journey into maturity.

I think its way too long to read and there are way too many "god" references for my tastes....thanks for asking!

well if you had read the article you might have noticed that the author was giving a history of healing where people in the past thought that healing came from god or religion but the author himself doesn't think that