Batya33

Also I think she deserves someone who admires and respects her achievements since she is so into it.

For me that lie was always a dealbreaker. I was always honest including when I was in my late 30s and looked much much younger Because I was honest I know for sure I didn't come up in certain men's searches. Two of my friends married people who lied on dating sites. I also didn't date men who lied on the profile to come up in younger people's searches then "confessed". Totally fine if it's not a dealbreaker for others! I also have heard it's more acceptable to lie as a woman -I don't buy that either. I have a friend who lies. Another friend of mine -male -messaged me realizing I knew her and said he was thinking of meeting her. I know he doesn't date women older than he is -he is 59 - and I didn't want to be involved in her lie -so I simply said I hadn't been in touch with her in a very long time and didn't feel comfortable advising him on whether to meet her. I don't think they met -he probably googled and figured out her lie. I think it's different to lie when it's not on a profile -I believe in being factually honest on a dating profile -or leaving blank. I am referring to marital status, educational degrees, occupation, where you live. In real life I can see where a woman might say she doesn't want to say her age or give a younger age especially if she's not looking to get serious etc (or a man!).

You misread what I wrote and wrote an odd response and I am sorry for offending you -although how you read it is .... odd!. Enjoy your next meeting with him! I personally would not have felt rejected as a person if I were him from how you behaved before you texted him to let him know you saw him at the mall and then agreed to meet up. I agree with Jaunty - he was content to not reach you or contact you if the "format" didn't work - that's not a person who is into seeing another person enough IMO.

What closure do you think you will get or what closure do you need? Isn't it closed and done -she is seeing her ex. She doesn't want what you want. Isn't that -done? I'm sorry you're upset. You can decrease the risks of being even more upset if you start being honest with yourself about your interactions with this woman.

It's not gender related -the actions might differ but there are women and men who seek out this sort of power dynamic to feel superior, or pretend to be helpless or use it to manipulate -I've seen female "friendships" like this. I'm getting a vibe maybe of an attempt to male bash and it's not my cup of tea. Honestly I could have used a bit more pampering by men and women alike when I was noticeably pregnant and working full time and really hard -I took off one day to work from home when I felt really ill and actually had to do a complicated assignment. I had one instance when I was loudly criticized at a UPS store where I went just to get passport photos taken because I was annoyed with a man who let a heavy box drop on my foot and didn't think it was a big deal (obviously can't hurt baby except who wants to start messing with pain meds etc from an injury while pregnant). Another where a maintenance person made fun of me for walking up stairs too slowly (before I was noticeably pregnant but very tired and elevator was broken), and a 2 hour dinner with a female friend who not once asked me just basically "how are you feeling?" But went on about how her life was going (she did not have children -and this shouldn't have mattered -it's common sense to ask your pregnant friend how she's feeling). Obviously, some of this is bad manners but I can say -as the OP seems to be speculating -that it's part of a bigger problem of thinking we're all supposed to feel and act strong and independent, not need others help or protection so it leads to not even asking or expecting someone to suck it up. I would have appreciated more damsel treatment when I had a 10 month old and was entertaining 3 other adults two of whom were related to my baby who watched me make sure the crawling baby wasn't crawling into an unsafe place while making sure everyone had lunch and -oh no worries I'll sit on the floor when I finally get my plate ready since we ran out of seats. Yes a little overprotection in the manner of "no no here let me get you a chair - wait - don't sit yet - do you need a refill on your drink?" And you know what who the heck cares where it's coming from at that point -I'm not going to get into the weeds and question all motives especially if it comes from a bias against the non-fairer gender lol. Why not default to - good manners/common sense and if it comes across as patronizing or self-serving once in awhile -ok cool let it go if it's not that way other times. Sometimes people do this out of a sense of obligation or are in a mood where they do want attention for going the extra mile -you know what -let it go and try to look at the whole picture. And fine if there's a set up that works for a couple where one person acts all helpless so the other person can strut around and be all powerful - fine if it works for them and no abuse, cool. Wouldn't be for me at all but I know for sure it's not some widespread gender-related issue.

It's not gender related -the actions might differ but there are women and men who seek out this sort of power dynamic to feel superior, or pretend to be helpless or use it to manipulate -I've seen female "friendships" like this.

I think you showed your strong interest by using the mall sighting as an excuse to text him so this is not about you being standoffish at this point or "rejecting" him. Your focus on what others think of his looks and popularity is -odd but kind of consistent with a teenage crush or a "fan" of a former celebrity kind of. And also what you looked like - I mean of course you cleaned up nice for a date lol. I would find it really immature that he blamed technology -people who want to get in touch with you will do so -I mean you stopped socializing with your friend to text him just because you saw him at a mall. I think if you want to see him again -sure why not -but it doesn't sound like you do want to know the real him because you have a lot of baggage -understandably -from how flaky he has behaved and my sense is you're not seeing his popularity as an upside other than maybe arm candy -not an upside for a future serious relationship. No harm in having another fun evening with him!

Yes- I vaguely remembered it being some sort of religious reason but wasn't sure. I guess I was partially remembering right. I don't like having my photo taken and don't like being forced to smile either.

All the time is not the standard - it depends what the issue is and how much of the time it is an issue - there's no set in stone "well if my partner isn't nagging me not to get therapy or getting all judgey/controlling about my therapy ALL the time I'll put up with it." I'd judge it by - is this issue outweighing the fun and good times especially since I go to therapy regularly so it's like waiting for the other shoe to drop? I think Boltnrun's analogies to other health-affirming/health-improving activities --and the partner's reactions/support or lack thereof- were right on point.

From what I understand people typically looked serious in photos back then - I forgot the reasons why -

Sounds like fun!

Great decision -what are you going to do today to start making that change? Do you want to be less of a pushover or not at all a pushover?

Has therapy motivated you to choose to make changes?

None of this sounds healthy on her part. She might be educated but seems to me she missed that day in kindergarten when basic manners/playing nicely in the sandbox were taught.

Yes it can result in you making choices to change your behavior. Therapy doesn't cause a change -that's your choice. Is she willing to change her controlling behaviors? Also do you think the changes you've made are beneficial? Have you made changes?