boltnrun

I can only imagine. I'm fortunate that while I live alone I am still pretty much able to get around and travel and see friends and attend events. My health isn't terrific but I can still do a lot. I can't imagine how I'd deal with being basically homebound. It must be so tough, and tough on you as well to not only witness it but to be the one she relies on for everything including human interaction.

I brought up about that man I was involved with and physical strength because he felt being physically stronger made him superior to women in ALL ways. And he looked down on women as "weak", overly emotional and completely helpless without a man. I'm not just talking about needing a man to move the fridge or change a flat tire or fight off an intruder. He thought his physical strength not only made him smarter and more capable than women but that it also gave him the right to treat women as objects and as existing only for his pleasure and convenience. I doubt anyone's husband who's physically stronger treats his wife as an inferior being unworthy of respect. Not in good marriages anyway.

That's too bad. And both sad and understandable. She doesn't know what to do with herself when she's not someone's wife or mothering a child. It can definitely be a difficult transition for sure. Are she and your son close? Most grandparents dote on their grandchildren. I for one would LOVE a grandchild 😌

Not old by any means but probably not described as a "younger person". Do these people approach you where you have no means of escape?

I see a lot of parents who struggle to let go. Or those who wistfully say "I wish my kids could go back to being babies again!" I find many of those people struggle with their identities or what to do with themselves after their children are adults and no longer need their parents to feed, clothe, house and guide them. I feel the opposite. My kids are functioning, productive adults and I couldn't be more proud. They don't need me to tell them how to do this or that. It frees me to do things I want to do without worrying how being away for a week or not feeling like cooking dinner will affect them.

Everything you expect of your husband also applies to you. Instead of expecting him to cower and bow before you, how about treating him like an equal and deserving of respect? How about loving him instead of trying to hold him down?

Side note, I have had men tell me they could never fathom giving birth or even having monthly periods. One man I knew whose wife had just had a baby told me he had a new respect for women and their strength and fortitude after watching her give birth. Can I lift heavy things or slam down a man? Probably not. But I went through twelve hours of labor and gave birth without a drop of anesthesia 🤷‍♀️ Annndddd...super off topic so my apologies, but I think it's marginally relevant to men respecting women (and some who do not).

My husband and I had our share of issues but I can't recall a single instance where I was aware of him checking out another woman in my presence. Did he do it? Sure, possibly. But I never noticed if he did. He was super, super into me for the first five or six years and I don't believe at that point he thought another woman had it over me. And even when things began to go south for us I still never observed him looking appreciatively at another woman.

That gross man I mentioned who would say offensive things about women's physical attributes while I was out in public with him and I did have that "click" (albeit mostly on a physical level) but he just didn't respect women. He felt women were great for sex and for things like cooking and doing his laundry for him but he didn't feel they were his equals as far as physical strength or ability to get things done or make decisions. He also saw women as helpless without a man. So his general lack of respect for women carried over into seeing them as objects or as something that exists solely for his pleasure. And that's why he felt free to comment loudly on their breasts or behinds. I can't say that this man you were out with feels the same way, but he certainly didn't behave respectfully.

Thank you. And yes, these flare-ups can come out of nowhere. Something I eat regularly suddenly sends my digestive system into a complete meltdown and it takes up to a week to settle down. I am in the office and am really having a hard time focusing. I don't want to ask my manager AGAIN to leave early but recent weeks have been pretty rough health-wise. As a funny side note, my company sent out an email announcing they now provide menopause support. What exactly are they trying to tell me 🤣 Anyway, my "meno" paused about five years ago. In fact it didn't pause, it stopped! And I'm so glad. My periods were epically awful. I couldn't even leave home the first two days.

My mother was clinically depressed and as a result was constantly trying to make herself the center of my attention (even when I literally had a newborn son). It was really hard to deal with. I hope your mom settles down and understands you can still love her without making her the center of your universe.

Yeah, oftentimes the "why" is irrelevant. Pondering whys just keep us stuck in untenable situations. Or we invent "whys" and then use them as excuses to stay in bad or dead end relationships. Basically, if what we want and what our current partner wants don't align and there's no possibility of compromise we have to conclude we're not a match. Even if we genuinely care for one another. And I can't caution enough against marriage by coercion.

My BIL flip flopped like crazy but it was deliberate. He wanted his girlfriend to stay but he didn't want to actually marry her. So he pretended to want marriage but never followed through. It wasn't out of fear but, frankly, out of selfishness. So if the OP' s boyfriend doesn't necessarily want to end the relationship but also doesn't want to get married he could pretend he wants marriage sometime in the future (after five years) but what he really wants is to stall. Possibly.

Please don't turn this around on yourself. That's a slippery slope into becoming morose and blaming yourself for not being "good enough". I was involved with a man who would literally turn his head around as far as he could to stare at women. He would even say "Look at that big t*tted one over there!" in a loud voice while continuing to stare. When I was sitting or standing right next to him. He did this too many times to count. And he was baffled when I dumped him for someone else 🙄 And yes, it is absolutely controllable. It's a choice, not a necessity.

As someone who was coerced into a marriage, I probably had some degree of resentment toward my husband, but ultimately I was and am responsible for making the decision to marry him instead of saying "stop" or "wait". However, the marriage was basically doomed from the start because it wasn't a case of two people in love who chose to get married but rather one who reluctantly went along with the other one's wishes. I feel bad because if I had stood my ground and said "wait", maybe things could have been different for the both of us. I am so grateful for my wonderful son while at the same time I feel guilt for putting the poor boy through a divorce. But it didn't make sense for the three of us to live in a miserable household. And it did get to be miserable. My point is, a marriage or engagement that's the result of one party giving in to the other has a very low chance of succeeding. Ideally he would come to you on his own saying he thought about it and realized he can't envision his future without you and he's planning to propose to you properly. But if he's digging in his heels and saying it's not what he really wants...