S.Ken

I broke up and got back together with a girl three times within a 6 year period. Now we don't even talk to each other and I have trouble remembering her face. So yeah... technically getting back together really does happen.

Having time to think, I can actually accept the fact that my romantic gestures weren't enough for you. I can accept that you chose to be with another man you had been stringing along for months. I can also come to terms with the fact that I had more emotionally invested in us than you did. However, one thing I cannot overlook is the fact that you used me as a distraction as you tried to work out your feelings for another man. I gave you so many opportunities in the most articulate and eloquent way I could to own up to your actions after I admitted to my own wrong doings and faults, but you never did. In fact you actually justified them by saying you did not promise me anything or commit to me anyway. This may be true, but you KNEW how I felt about you. If I didn't express it through words I did so with actions, at the very least you KNEW how much emotionally involved I was to you. However, you made the decision to use me as an emotional and physical surrogate as you tried reopening communications with ****. This is wrong on a fundamental level. You do not use people you claim you "love" and care about and while knowing how deeply they care about you as a tool of distraction. You also did the same thing to the other guy when you slept with him after he made it clear to you he wanted to be more than friends, but you justified your actions by telling him "you weren't ready for a relationship." Yet you were shocked and surprised when he got pissed at you for refusing to start a romantic relationship with him after sleeping with him for weeks. Newsflash, you do NOT have sex with someone who clearly is in love with you and not expect some sort of emotional backlash. For someone who claims to be so nurturing and caring, you have almost NO empathy for the emotional ramifications your actions have upon people. The most disconcerting aspect of this situation is that I actually think you believe what you did wasn't wrong. You made no effort to apologize while painting yourself as some sort of figure of integrity and honesty. If you had simply acknowledged what you did was wrong, as I had admitted to my own wrongdoings then I firmly believe we would have a decent foundation to begin building a friendship, but that didn't happen. After that revelation, I had two choices: Continue trying to convince you that you were wrong and force an acknowledgement that would only escalate into something ugly and pointless or just walk away from the situation entirely. Actually, that wasn't much of a choice at all.

Ah, go ahead and cry. It won't do you any good keeping that crap bottled up inside. Just don't tell the ex or anyone he knows about it.

I believe this is Day 7 of NC since I ignored her last self-absorbed text message about her wearing bright "happy" colors. Obviously some days are worse than others. I almost had a setback on facebook yesterday, but quickly came back to my senses.

I've been wondering if you have been thinking about me as much as I have been thinking about you. I wonder while you're lying with your current bf who is clearly beneath you, if you reminiscence about the times when we would just talk and laugh for hours before getting out of bed. If you called me right now and said you wanted me to take you back, I would do it in a heartbeat and I would be thrilled to do so. I would do everything in my power to make up for all the shortcomings in the past and be the best partner that you and your kids deserve. I'd like to think those impersonal distant texts are just a defense mechanism to shield yourself from the strong feelings you still have for me. Deep down you WANT to be with me, but you feel compelled to stay with him because you promised to give him an earnest effort even though just a month ago you were telling me how much of a failure at life at was and said you were too good for him. I practically threw you into this guy's arms and I think we both know you are just settling with him. The dude is almost 40 years old and used to sleep on a mattress in a friend's room for crying out loud! His greatest aspiration is to work at Publix or Costco; do you really want to be with someone like THAT?? When this future train wreck of a relationship inevitably crashes and burns, give me a call. *I am sooooo glad I did not send this to her!*

Cool Thread! I'll play! The one thing I don't think you will ever understand is that you are so were so incredibly self-absorbed in your own wants and happiness, that you didn't seem to consider the emotional impact your actions would have on someone who is obviously emotionally attached to you. You can't just use that person to fufill your physical and emotional needs as you sort out your feelings for another man. If you never had those kinds of feelings for me-- fine, but you could have at least, out of common respect have told me so I wouldn't continue wasting my time with you. Had you have done that, then this wouldn't be an issue. Yes, I would be hurt and disappointed, but at least I would be informed and let you go to pursue your decision and would still be friends with you because of that one gesture of respect. Instead, you continued to use me to fill your emotional and physical void as you pined to start a relationship with another because you lacked the courage to be truly alone. You knew I was in love with you. I told you and and more importantly, showed you as much every time I was with you. The way you chose to inform me of your decision (which came out of nowhere) shows that you either knew and didn't care or you didn't notice because you were emotionally focused on someone else. In either case, it shows me that you aren't the person I thought you were and I can do better than that.

Day: I have no idea. It's been awhile since I've been on here since I've really haven't had a reason to do so. Ever since the ex responded to a pre-NC email I sent her, all of my thoughts of wanting her back have vanished since the way she answered the email pretty much summed up the reasons why she's my ex. I'm not saying I don't think about her, I think it would be impossible to do so with someone whom I've dated for 2 years, but they are just regular thoughts, unemcumbered by the usual gut twisting pain and anxiety that accompanied them only a few months ago and they aren't CONSTANT or draining either. I haven't even attempted to make contact with her and couldn't if I wanted to since I've forgotten her cell number and email address long ago. Anyway, just wanted to pop in and encourage everyone with their NC... it really does help you in the long run. Hmmm... looking at my post, it probably didn't help any of you who want to get back together with the ex, but hopefully you'll somehow be encouraged!

In that case definitely do NOT send the letter! I don't know what she did, but if she's begging her friend not to tell you then she either cheated on you or stole your money. Since I don't hear you complaining about your depleted bank account, that kinda narrows it down. Take it from me, everyone goes through these 'clingy' states right after the break up no matter how $hitty the ex may have been. Just keep hanging in there. Sooner or later you'll start coming to your senses and start seeing her for what she is. That's exactly what happened with me.

Who dumped who? If she dumped you then I strongly suggest you refrain from sending that letter until you can think clearly again. Take as long as you want. Believe me it will make a difference... I speak from bitter experience.

You're absolutely right. Her response vividly illustrates what she's always done--barely acknowledging my wants or needs and immediately goes on about herself that's why I wasn't surprised by it at all. 3 months ago, I wanted more than anything to reconcile with her, to be with her, there was nobody else I wanted to be with and blah blah blah, which prompted me to write the email in the first place. I definitely had put her on a pedestal. Now that I'm back to my old RATIONAL, slightly cynical, but always lovable self and I can't help but shake my head for investing all that time and energy into a dead end relationship. I think I've finally had my "light switch" moment and ironically enough all it took was my ex to act like... well... herself. None of this would have been possible without NC. Btw, I'm still not sending her a happy birthday email... nothing personal really... I just don't care. [-(

Day 33 Woke up this morning without having insane thoughts about the ex for the first time since the split. Ever since she responded to my email, my thoughts about her have been a lot less intense. In fact, they haven't been intense at all. Her response was friendly yet still detached and didn't really get into the details of the email (typical of her) itself so at least that tells me that she isn't interested in giving it another try which is what I wanted at the time I wrote the email, but now after having time to calm down and think about things rationally, I don't want that at all. Doing NC gave me a chance to reevaluate the relationship and her as a person and now I know i don't want her back anymore. She was just too self-centered and has too many pathological insecurity issues. Seems like she's open for the friend thing, but I'm not sure I even want her as a friend. The only real connection we had was the sex and without that, what good is she to me? The only thoughts I'm having of her now is whether or not I should respond to her email. What would I say? What should I say? Things like that.

Puckdog: I'm aware of this. My opening statement was blatant sarcasm. It's obvious that she's not interested in resuming the relationship in a non plutonic regard and I'm fine with that. I'm more relieved than anything that she finally responded to my email. At least now I don't have to drive myself crazy with wild speculations anymore. Do you see something I don't?

Day 32 Got a email at the office today from my ex who finally responded to the infamous sappy email I sent to her back in late April. Here's what she had to say: S.Ken- No apology necessary. I did not leave our relationship with bad feelings, just the feeling that it wasn’t meant to be. I’ve felt remiss at not having answered your last letter. It was a combination of not knowing what to say, and since it arrived here at the school not really having the access to reread and respond, nor the time lately. I almost called you to have lunch the other day, but again I was feeling guilty about not answering your first letter so I decided against it. Remember when I said I wouldn’t do the German exchange program because the organization didn’t seem to have their * * * * together? I wish I had remembered my own sage observation, because they don’t. I get nothing but mixed messages and vague directives concerning how to proceed. Not to mention cramming a 4 month prep period into 4 weeks. So, so, so much to do! Can’t wait to get on that plane, then I’ll feel like I can enjoy it, instead of worrying about presentations and forms and goody bags. Have a good summer, and always remember that regret is fruitless and draining! Miss ya, I do. Envision whirled peas. -C OMG!! she said she missed mee!!! Do you think she wants to get back together??? Just kidding! Seriously, about a month ago I probably would've thought like that, but my reaction has been surprisingly low key. I guess NC did its job in helping me think rationally because I realize a lot of my anxiety stemmed from the fact that she did not respond to my email for so long and now that she has responded, I don't feel so anxious anymore. I don't feel overjoyed either, just.... meh. Kind of anti-climatic really. As I've said, I'd rather have any response than none at all.

Yeah, after 30 days my mind is still coming up with all these thoughts and revelations about the relationship and I often imagine sitting down with the ex somewhere and sharing these with her and then we'll both reach that magical point of understanding one another and rededicate ourselves to each other. The romantic in me wants to believe that, but the realist in me knows that it's never going to happen. As you said, it's best to process those revelations within and use it to better yourself as a person. One of the things that have improved with the 30 day NC is that I no longer "rehearse" what I'm going to say to the ex on that 'faithful' day when I see her again. I would lay in bed for hours and just repeat my lines over and over again, often acting like my own director. If anyone saw me, they would think I was quite insane.

Day 31 I dodged a HUUUUGE bullet last night. I had convinced myself to write a letter to my ex, apologizing for everything I had done that wronged her in the reationship, not only that, but I had planned on contructing a hand made elaborate bday card for her with the letter attached inside, afterwards I would stick it in her mailbox in the dead of night. Fortunately my friend called me up and invited me to a keg party. I met a lotta cool people there and soon the idea of the whole bday card/apology letter drifted out of my head and NO I was not drunk. When I woke up this morning I realized that I had already aknowledged and apologized for my actions in the last pathetic post-break up email I sent to her months ago. That was close! I just realized that all this happened on Day 30 of my NC and I didn't even notice. Overall, I'm still doing the rollercoaster thing, but it's been a lot less intense lately. This morning I had no interest in anything about the ex whatsoever and it felt great! I know that it will probably change, in fact I found myself thinking about her this afternoon, but I'm really looking forward to the day when I will feel the same way, everday about her as i did this morning.