Batya33

Of course and it's not a stage-simply one person feeling insecure about whether she's interested. To define it -to give it such emphasis -to me is a bad idea for someone who is interested in dating in general. I certainly talked to men where I wouldn't have said yes on the spot to a date because we were strangers. If a man started flirting with me or talking to me and I thought he might be interested in asking me out he was completely off my radar until he did. And if he did and I wasn't ready to say yes for whatever reason I might say - how about we meet up with our group of friends or I'd invite him to a group event. I'd have no dating connection to him at all -because we weren't yet dating and might never go on a date. "Nothing to see here!" I once asked a man I was interested in dating to meet up for lunch during the work day and he said yes -it was not meant as a date. A quick lunch. Where I learned that he had a dealbreaker fact about himself such that I would never date him. He told me later he realized I likely wouldn't date him and we had never been anything but friendly so we stayed friends for about 4 years and now we're just FB connected. To me he was a guy I met at a high school reunion (not my school), we had the same career so we stayed in touch, I thought he was kinda cute and figured lunch would be a good neutral way to get to know him. OP - there are many ways as people wrote to attract interest from men and what I wrote above is one way -if you meet a man you might be interested in suggest a casual lunch so you're not full on asking him out but it's a good way to get to know him -or a walk in the park etc.

I was referring to the non-semantic part -the part that to me will negatively affect a 27 year old who is just getting started with dating and wanting to meet suitable men. If I were the OP I'd not try to define anything at all in an interaction with a man until he asks her on a date or accepts her invitation for a date. If she's not interested in dating but simply wants male attention, to flirt, to be hit on, perhaps to hook up then that's something I can't really comment on - and anyway that sort of interaction has no structure akin to going on dates -then it's just two people interacting in a flirty or sexual way and it's all individual.

Yes we can agree to disagree that it should be a stage. I've heard "talking" for years and I have felt the same about it from the beginning -way too many downsides especially for someone in the OPs situation. I've been in talking stages apparently many times over when I was exclusively dating and married to my wonderful husband and I'm sure he has too lol. I'm sure the definition you quoted is one of many. To me if two people want to date they go on a date. If they want to express romantic interest in each other without going on a date and take it to a deeper level then that's fine but it's not dating, it's not a relationship and if either has a goal of dating people to see if there's a potential relationship they either should avoid this "talk" (talk is cheap after all) or hope that this expression of romantic interest doesn't get in the way of actually going on dates with people who want to date them. Mostly I've heard women say "so I'm talking to this guy" and typically it ends with somehow that guy loved to talk but didn't walk the walk. If a man talked to me and expressed romantic interest in me to see if we should take it to a deeper level -when I was single I would have said "that sounds good -thanks for letting me know." I then would have seen if he planned a proper date in advance and would have minimized "talking" further unless he followed up by asking me out on a date. I knew a man had romantic interest that translated to dating interest when he --- asked me out on a date. That was the action and effort that told me he wanted to get to know me better. The preamble stuff is sweet I guess in certain situations but I never counted it as any stage or let it give me pause as far as pursuing men who were asking me out on dates. I think people who want this stage very often are not in a headspace to actually date or are not that into the other person other than fun flirting talk and perhaps some sexting thrown in. In the late 90s my friend met his future wife through a dating site. She once said to me- that in her opinion the first two months of dating were irrelevant as to whether there was potential for the long term. I loved that attitude and with rare exception she was right. She was in her late 20s at the time as was my male friend. This way she managed her expectations and didn't get caught up early on.

Love talking about books! Just finished Midnight Library -you might like it!

Yes I think it's a bad idea to define it as any sort of "stage" of dating -because it leads to expectations and rules and who should initiate - some people like to talk to talk, some people like to flirt to flirt, some people ask out right away some don't -there's no stage IMO. And it also leads people to feel bad about themselves like the OP -a man talking to a woman means nothing as far as interest in dating. A person is interested in dating another person when that person either asks the person for a date or accepts a date invitation enthusiastically. The OP is even bemoaning that other women she knows are "talking" to men. To me the downsides of defining even more pre-dating activity as some sort of stage is obvious. When I contacted or was contacted by men through dating sites the only reason for the contact was to see if we should meet in person to see if we should go on a date. I had no "talking stage" even then nor would I have been up for any "talking stage" with a stranger. The reason for talking before meeting was to see if we had enough in common to meet in person for hopefully a pleasant, fun convo for about an hour or so then see if we should go on a real date. Optimally that meant exchanging one or two messages, one phone call, meeting within the week. I met men everywhere -at work, at the gym, at volunteer work, at singles events in my apartment building. I talked to many men and flirted with many men. Some wanted to date me and some didn't -I wanted to date some of them and some I didn't. Sometimes it was one and done convo, sometimes there were more conversations, sometimes flirting sometimes not. I never let myself have expectations that a man I wanted to date wanted to date me because he was flirting with me -had I told myself oh cool this is the talking stage -he's flirting -he's going to ask me out or he'll of course agree if I ask him -that would be setting myself up for unrealistic expectations as if it was a done deal. To me there's no sign to read that is interest in dating other than the person asks you out/agrees with enthusiasm to go out with you. Much better IMO for developing the thick skin that is so often needed in the front lines of dating.

She seems to want a specific kind of male attention from specific males. In the 1990s one of my coworkers- very beautiful looking and a great person- told me this story-she was shopping with her mother at a department store. Her mother said - you keep looking down and you do not realize how many men are noticing you! My friend was very tall if that matters. So my friend said - she took her mother's advice -started looking up more. One day a man across the street from where she was walking sort of waved and said hi. Somehow someone crossed over to the other side -she thought he seemed/looked nice. They got married a few years later (hopefully they still are!)

When you say you are "honest" with these women before meeting them do you mean you share a lot of personal stuff about your past -and what is it that you choose to share early on?

Way too much drama for only one month of dating and way too much analysis/playing at therapist. I'd move on.

Definitely -I never actually have but so many of my friends have and do!

What the heck is a "talking stage"? Also why do you care who initiates and if your purpose in dating is finding a potential match for the long term who cares if men who won't be a good fit for you notice you or not? If you're interested in flirting and then dating casually that's a bit different -then I can see why you're so needy for being flattered/ego stroking but otherwise who cares who starts a conversation first? I get that many women prefer the man to do the asking out for the first couple dates or the first date -I sure did - but there is no talking stage - it's not a stage. Two people who have a conversation might decide to then go on a date. Two people who flirt might decide to go on a date. The way I upped the chances of that happening especially at your age was by being out there and proactive in environments where single people -or people who could introduce me to suitable single people-were likely to be. I did get my share of attention from men and in some cases part of that was because I looked attractive but only a small part -I carried myself with confidence (particularly important since I am 5"2), I started conversations with people especially where it was normal to do so (and sometimes where it wasn't lol -I was socially pretty bold and extroverted!), I asked friends and coworkers to set me up with suitable guys and I returned the favor -and still do (I am 57, been setting people up on dates for over 40 years) - I took an interest in people in general - made people feel comfortable in their own skin - because I like doing that, it feels good - just standing there looking all pretty is kind of -self-absorbed IMHO. What do you bring to the table except thinking you are a 7? Do you do any volunteer work? Do you belong to any activities where people meet -any professional networking groups, a book club, a gym, a hiking or biking group? Why do you want to be "hit on?" How about instead being in an environment where you talk with people especially related to why you are there (i.e. not a bar as a steady thing) - and come to a mutual sense that you'd like to meet again one on one including maybe for a date? No "stage" needed - "talking" is simply two people flirting perhaps sussing out whether there is interest before asking the person out on a date -it's not a stage because in some cases two friends are platonic for years and "talk" and then poof it's friendship caught on fire and in other cases they meet, click and one asks the other out. Typically if there's some sort of "talking" stage it's because one person is more interested in flirting than actually dating or can't be bothered to put in the effort to plan a proper date in advance. I approached my future husband first. Crossed a crowded room at a work breakfast for new employees. HIs first day, my 42nd. I knew he knew no one and was very shy. No flirting and he asked me out first 8-9 months later. We got married 14 years and 5 weeks after meeting that day but that's another story I've written about separately. Had I not crossed the room it's likely we'd never have met or met in any meaningful way for him to ask me out.

I wouldn't have for a hangover unless she told me someone forced her to drink/put something in a drink. I wouldn't have needed or wanted to show concern for someone who made a poor choice involving getting drunk especially knowing we had a plan. If she shared she was an alcoholic I would have showed concern and moved on from being involved in a dating context. I once had a work deadline where my coworker- junior to me -had to come in on a Sunday as I did to put in a full days work. She didn't look well and I showed concern and asked if she needed anything. She glibly told me she had a hangover, I was done trusting that coworker to show up reliably ready to work -our work was very detail oriented and time sensitive. She obviously didn't care enough about her work, the project or being part of a team. It's a lack of respect, it's thoughtlessness and -no -I'm not going to show concern for someone who deliberately harms themselves with alcohol in that situation even if we'd had a good time in the past or I saw potential for a friendship or dating situation. For sure some people prioritize that initial chemistry or clicking over the person's values, respect for them, etc - and that might work out fine for a fling - then it's less of an issue because it's not for long term purposes.

Same -also if I had to teach an adult basic manners or why it was disrespectful to cancel last minute/show up very late without an emergency - that was a dealbreaker for dating with potential for a serious relationship and if it was someone I was getting to know as a friend I then had boundaries as far as not risking my sparse free time making plans again to meet in person - I'd limit it to a group situation, a situation where I had to be there anyway, etc.

One of my relatives lost his wife to Alzheimers when he was close to 80 and she in her 70s. His son introduced his dad to a woman they knew from their community who was probably 20 years younger. They fell madly in love -it was amazing to hear about. They were married about 10 years -he developed alzheimers at the end. She's written with love and fondness about their time together. When I was in my 30s/40s I likely would have avoided dating a man that much older as with the OP for the practical reason that I wanted the opportunity to have a family and the risks and downsides of starting a family with a man then in his 60s would have given me pause. As older parents (42 when son was born) we experienced how hard it was to care for our aging parents while being newlywed parents of a newborn.

Wow I had no idea about the film!

I did that once on FB by mistake and walked away and completely and unintentionally offended someone -no it was not a post that was sad -she thought I was laughing at her. I apologized - it was a matter of minutes.