Who Can Understand a Woman?

Excerpted from
Light Her Fire: How to Ignite Passion, Joy and Excitement in the Woman You Love
By Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D

Ask a man what the perfect woman would be like, and often he will say, "I want her to be a lady during the day and a mistress at night." Ask that same man what he thinks a woman wants in a man, and his response most often is, "You've got me. Who can understand them? They're too complicated. She doesn't know what she wants!"

Henry Higgins, in My Fair Lady, could not understand Eliza, so he asked, ''Why can't a woman be more like a man?" Why can't a woman be more like a man, indeed. She can't be like a man because she is decidedly different from a man. This frustration is shared by many men who wish it weren't so.

A wonderful place to begin to unravel the mystery, to begin to understand the complexity of a woman's needs, is the following list:

• She wants to be your first priority.

• She wants you to consider her needs above everyone else's.

• She wants you to think that no other woman comes close to being as wonderful for you as she is.

• She wants you to brag about her to your friends and family.

• She wants you to feel proud that she's your mate.

• She wants you to prove your love.

• She wants you to think she's the most beautiful woman alive.

• She wants you to think that who she is and what she does is nothing short of miraculous.

• She wants tender, loving care at that special time every month when her emotions are ruled by her hormones.

• She needs and expects to have daily reminders of how much you love her.

From her point of view, she needs to believe that you are constantly thinking of her and that you are counting the moments until she will be in your arms again. This may be only a fantasy for her, but with a little effort from you, it can come true. You, too, can join the ranks of great lovers, those men who are able to turn a woman's fantasy into reality.

What Do Women Want?

She wants to be at the top of your list of priorities. She wants the number one position. She wants to mean more to you than your friends and co-workers, your clients, your secretary, or even your mother.

She constantly compares the amount of time you spend with her to the amount of time you spend with other people or activities.

She constantly compares the amount of energy you have with her to the amount of energy you have with other people.

She constantly compares the amount of respect you have for her feelings to the amount of respect you have for other people's feelings.

Bill volunteered that he was so involved with activities outside the home that Lois hardly ever saw him. He sat on every committee the community offered. "I am an insurance agent, and the only way I can build my business is to make as many contacts with people as I can," he said in defense of his actions.

I explained that unless he wanted to become a successful divorced insurance agent, he'd better spend some quality time with his wife; he'd have to find a balance between his desire for success and his love for her. What he didn't know at the time he enrolled in my class was that Lois was beginning to think about having an affair with someone in her exercise class.

She had confided in me, "I am so lonely. Bill is just never there, and along comes Tom, who I see at least three times a week. We've gone out for coffee twice, and I find I'm really attracted to him."

Soon after Bill took "Light Her Fire," Lois had changed gyms, and she and Bill were in an aerobics class together.

Milton finally understood why Maureen was constantly complaining. "I usually come home exhausted from work and became a couch potato. If Maureen asked me to do her a favor, I was usually too tired and found some excuse not to help her. But if a neighbor or friend stopped by, I always had the strength to talk and laugh and have a few beers. I somehow found the energy to go out drinking with my buddies on Friday night, but not to take my wife out on Saturday night. I realize now how unfair I've been. Maureen deserves more than I have been giving. I was spending quality time with everyone except the woman I love."

Jack explained the hostility his wife felt toward his mother. "I'll admit that my mother is a very controlling woman. She expects me to jump whenever she says so. It's always been that way. I'm her oldest son, and somehow I feel responsible for her. No matter what time, day or night, when she wants something, I usually drop what I'm doing so I can take care of whatever she needs. I am ashamed to say that one time when my wife and I were making love, my mother called, telling me that her kitchen sink was stopped up. Instead of saying, 'I'll call you back-or better yet, not answering the phone in the first place I sat there yessing her to death and ended up telling her I'd be there in about half an hour. Instead of telling her to call a plumber, I put her needs ahead of my wife's needs."