Talking with Confidence for the Painfully Shy

Excerpted from
Talking with Confidence for the Painfully Shy
By Don Gabor

Changing the Way You Talk to Yourself

Mark Twain was considered one of America's wittiest writers and lecturers, but when it came to talking, even he didn't always know what to say. During a long-awaited meeting with General Ulysses S. Grant, Twain found himself at a loss for words. Grant, who was known for his unemotional demeanor, simply sat with an unsmiling Cue and waited for the country's most popular author to say something - funny or otherwise. As the silent seconds passed, Mark Twain's discomfort grew. Then inspiration struck and the comic genius said, "General, I seem to be a little embarrassed. Are you?"

Stop Reinforcing Your Shy Behavior

Everyone has embarrassing moments at one time or another. Think of how you feel when you meet a new person in a social or business situation. Do you get uncomfortable, tongue-tied, and nervous? Do your palms sweat and do you blush, giggle, or say ridiculous things? Is it pure agony to make small talk and carry on a conversation? Are you afraid of sounding foolish or offending the other person? Do you want to escape from the situation as quickly as possible? If responses such as these occur on a regular basis when you meet people, then you probably describe yourself as "shy"

Although you have been reserved for most of your life, there is a way to kick the shyness habit. You may not realize it, but how you talk to yourself plays a significant role in your level of shyness. When that little voice inside your head starts planting those old seeds of doubt, your nervous reactions are not far behind. This deflating "self-talk" depletes your confidence and reinforces shy behavior.

Replace Inhibiting "Self-Talk" with Confidence-Building Statements

The first step in breaking your pattern of shy behavior is to change how you talk to yourself. By replacing shy and often detrimental self-talk with confidence-building statements, you can initiate the process of changing how you feel. Whenever you hear that destructive voice in your head start to undermine your confidence, say to yourself, "Stop!" Then decide to replace subverting self-talk with constructive statements that build your self-esteem. The following chart shows typical shy self-talk and the words you can say instead to elevate your confidence.

Three Steps to Rehearse Constructive Self-Talk

You can do three things to make constructive self-talk easier.

Step 1: Find a Quiet Time and Location Where Others Won't Interrupt You

First, establish a daily routine in which you can practice how you talk to yourself. Find a few quiet times and places during the day where you can spend a few tranquil minutes alone. Good times to rehearse are before breakfast, while you exercise, on breaks, after work, on walks, while you relax in the evening, or just before you go to sleep. The more you practice constructive self-talk, the faster you can change your shy behavior.

Step 2: Visualize a Specific Situation

Second, consider an upcoming situation in which you probably will feel inhibited. For example, perhaps you always get tongue-tied at your departments weekly meeting. Now use your imagination to visualize the situation as clearly as possible. See your coworkers making small talk while they wait for your supervisor to start the meeting. Notice where people sit and imagine what they say to each other. See how the meeting progresses and imagine what everyone says and does. The secret to effective visualizations is to fill in as many minute details as possible, including the time, room temperature, what people are wearing, and even their facial expressions.

Step 3: Picture and Describe Your Constructive Actions, Attitudes, and Feelings in the Situation

Imagine yourself interacting in a more outgoing manner with your coworkers and supervisor under these circumstances. Meticulously describe your actions, attitudes, and feelings in constructive terms and in the present tense. If a negative thought creeps in, acknowledge it as a confidence-buster and swiftly substitute it with positive self-talk. While visualizing a staff meeting, you might say to yourself:

"I want to ask an important question during the meeting."

"I can help other people in my department he more efficient."

"These weekly meetings are much more interesting when I share my ideas."

"My confidence shows when I actively participate and help solve problems."

"I feel like part of our team when I cooperate and contribute during the meeting."

Changing the Way You Talk to Yourself Creates a More Positive Self-image

In the past, your shy self-talk resulted in shy behavior, but now you are starting to learn how to use constructive self-talk to create a more confident and outgoing manner. To overcome your shyness, you can write a new self-talk script and then practice it before each situation in which you expect to feel uncomfortable. By describing the positive actions, attitudes, and feelings you want to experience before they occur, you will gain confidence and poise.

You might be surprised at how quickly you can shatter that old pattern of shyness and become a more outspoken individual. You'll know that your constructive self-talk is working when in social and business situations you sit tall, walk tall, and seem self-assured. You will feel your confidence grow as your conversation becomes more creative and spontaneous. It all starts with the way you talk to yourself. Constructive self-talk changes the way you feel about yourself and sets the stage for kicking the shyness habit.

Fifteen Ways to Overcome Shyness

1. Stop depending on others to communicate for you in social or business situations.

2. Expand your social life outside the family.

3. Visualize yourself as an active, interested, and interesting conversationalist.

4. Find and emulate good conversationalists.

5. Use relaxation techniques before you go into social and business situations.

6. Gain conversational momentum by always practicing your communication skills.

7. Identify your conversational successes and pat yourself on the back.

8. Create a socializing schedule for yourself and stick to it.

9. Avoid judging yourself too harshly if you make a mistake or say the wrong thing.

10. Identify how others respond to you and keep doing what gets positive results.

11. Validate others by acknowledging their achievements and self- worth.

12. Graciously accept compliments by saying/'Thanks for saying so. I appreciate hearing that."

13. Talk to people who make you feel good about yourself.

14. Focus more on the other person than on yourself.

15. Give others the benefit of the doubt and they will do the same for you.